/In Pains Wake/

- lawless priest -

04 - choices

Misato had left with Kaji sometime ago and I was once again left on my own. It's not like it was really any different than before. Even when they were here I was still alone. It was better this way, though. I didn't want to see them and I didn't want to talk. It was time that I needed. Time to think, time to plan, time to... choose.

So I left. I couldn't stay there in that apartment. Every time I closed my eyes those visions of Asuka kept coming back. I had to get out or that place was going swallow me.

Swearing revenge and actually being able to do it are far from simple and even more so for me. Part of my mind kept telling me I was responsible and that I was no different than the ones who hurt Asuka. Another said otherwise. It was the one screaming for revenge.

Revenge... another word that didn't fit in my vocabulary.

Silently I strode down the street, oblivious to my surroundings, contemplating the meaning of the word and how it applied to me.

It was ironic. Here I was walking down a busy afternoon side walk with the sun shinning brightly in stark contrast to the chaos running through my head as I tried to reason out why it was acceptable for me to hurt others because they had harmed someone I cared about.

The guilt was holding me back.

I couldn't do this alone. I could barely make the choice itself. I wanted to hurt them. I wanted to see them suffer, but a part of me cried out against it. I wished that there was someone to talk to.

'Not Kaji, not Misato, they would only get in the way. They would say I was too young, that it was wrong, No, not them.'

'Toji... No! How could I ever speak to Toji again after... after what I did. It was my EVA and it was my fault. No, I could never ask Toji.'

I didn't even consider Rei. Speaking to her was the last thing that I wanted to do. I doubt she'd understand anyway.

'Sigh'

"What am I going to do. Every time I say I'll do it, the guilt comes back. I'm just too weak."

I think it was then that I noticed that I had stopped, and with that, the realization of where I had ended up stopped all thought. The hospital... Asuka.

/IPW/

She hadn't changed. If anything, she looked weaker than before. The view through the glass was poor but I didn't question it. One of the nurses had told me that she was awake, but she had not said one word since. That was a lie, they just weren't around to here it.

'Why am I here again? It's not like it had helped any last time. Did she even recognize me? Not likely. So why am I here?'

I don't know how long I stood there in front of her door. It must have been awhile. The doctors and nurses that passed by all gave me weird looks, but I didn't notice and probably wouldn't have cared either way. I wouldn't have been surprised if rust had started to form on metal of the doorknob. Sometimes, I can just get lost in things, especially when there was a choice involved.

'Asuka.'

I took that step.

Nothing changed when I came in. Nothing happened. Nothing happened at all. She didn't even look up.

"Asuka? I..." Couldn't finish. I really didn't know what to say. What could I? What would have changed if I did? I felt useless again, just standing there, head down, fist clenched into a tight ball.

Seconds passed, minutes, for too many to count. I had nowhere to go, nothing to do. Why leave? Why stay? Nothing mattered. That was probably how it started, why I did what I did. One minute I was standing there at a lost as to... everything, and the next I was in a seat, pulled up close to the side of her bed and spilling my guts.

I told her everything, from finding her that night, listening to what the Section 2 agents had said, to my vow that night. I told her about Kaoru and what happened with Dr. Akagi and the Rei clones. I told her about Misato crying every night and Kaji and his people looking for the ones responsible. Within the space of half an hour I told her everything, even the visions I had had and how I felt. My anger, my frustration, how useless I felt and how guilty I was that I couldn't have been there for her.

Of course I cried during all of this, just like the weak little boy she had always accused me of being. Ok, I didn't cry, I balled. The faucets had opened and the damn broke free. Through it all, she said nothing. Like the nurse said, not one word. It didn't matter. I didn't care. I barely had the strength required to breath let alone care whether or not Asuka had actually heard a damn thing I had said. It was just like her. I could pour out my soul and she wouldn't even listen even if I had shouted.

'Sigh...'

There was a pause, a long one. Finally my little emotional torrent had ended and I took this time to reclaim what my lungs had lost and salvage what little dignity I had left. Even if I was the only witness, the experience had been as embarrassing as it had been draining.

Standing up to leave, I felt an almost overwhelming sense of deja vu. I half expected her to tell me that she felt cold or empty, But no, she had something else to say.

I didn't get one step away from the bed before the red head had grabbed my arm like some kind of zombie in one of those pre-Second Impact films. You know the one, where the hero sees the dead creature and turns his back on it, then out of no where it snatches him back, effectively scaring the crap out of everyone in the theater. Yeah, this was one of those moments, except I'm not the hero and the zombie happened to be one of my teammates.

To say that I was afraid would have been a severe understatement. 'She's probably going to kick my ass for wasting her time and crying all in her room.' Secretly I was hoping she would. To see that spark back in her eyes I would have given anything, even myself. I couldn't stand being alone anymore. All of the problems and hurtful thoughts came back when no one was around. I couldn't hide from them in the dark.

In the darkness they come without mercy, pity or any sense of compassion. All of my failures and faults, all of the pain and hopelessness find me and there's nothing to stop the spiral down.

'Whatever she wants, I don't care, she can have it as long I'm not alone again.'

"You.. care?" The words confused me and I stood there unmoving for a moment.

Again with a voice strained with unshed tears that would never come, she asked me, "You care about me?"

"Of course Asuka, why wouldn't I. You're smart, strong, and beautiful. You're everything I'm not, everything I want to be. You're... you're my friend."

She did nothing to acknowledge the fact that she had heard me, which was starting to make me nervous.

"Are you lying? Do you just want to use me and leave me like papa, and mama?"

"No! I would never leave you Asuka! I'm not like that!" 'Did she really just ask me that?'

"Then do it."

"Do what?" I had no clue what she was talking about.

"Give me my justice. Avenge me, save me like you always do, Shinji. You're the only one who can, the only one who cares."

There was silence after that, but all I remember was that I was just standing there stunned. She sounded as if she were already dead. 'Avenge her? Give her, her justice. Could I really do it? Could I really pay them back?'

For a long time I stood there looking her in her eyes, trying to find the strength to go on, like I used to do so long ago. 'Yes, I can do this. I can do this for her. Only for her.'

"I will do it." my voice was barely above a whisper, but it rose and my conviction and determination with it. "I will do this for you. I won't fail you again Asuka." With my fists clenched tight, I gave her a determined yet sad nod.

"That's my Baka Shinji. Always saving the day." her voice was still week, and tired. You could hear the strain it took for her just to say those words. Yet all the same, there was a hint, just a hint of determination within those soft spoken words. It was nothing like it's previous fire, but compared to how it had been in the past few days, the past few weeks, it was something indeed.

"I'll finish this Asuka. I promise you." And with that, my little speech done, I left in search of father.

/IPW/

I thought to find him at the usually place, but that was not to be. The guards outside his office had said that he had left some time ago. They never said where to, though. So I wandered the catacombs of halls that was Nerv HQ. Father would eventually return to his office, to that room that sucked that the life out of everyone who entered it. He always did. It was where he belonged. Demons needed there lairs. They found comfort in the dark. I knew from experience. I met them every night in my room with only my SDAT player to fight them off.

My brief bravado was quickly fading, yet I was still committed to my mission. It was my mission, my purpose. It wasn't like EVA, which only gave me pain. No, this was personal, it held more value and the key to my happiness. No, I won't say happiness. I doubt I will ever be happy, but it did hold the key to my sanity. That was clear enough.

It was around then that I noticed where I had ended up, my aimless wandering cut short. I was in the EVA cages and standing before me was Unit 01.

"Mother..."

"Yes, Yui." Startled slightly by the sound, I turned toward it and was meet with a surprise. A little further down from where I stood with his hands clasped behind his back and those damn shades of his fixed on the purple behemoth before him, stood the devil himself.

"Father.."

The old hate came back strong, but I forced it away. I would need all of the anger I could get for later. I needed to be calm for this.

There was an uncomfortable silence, or to me it was uncomfortable. No doubt he didn't care. I hadn't really planed this far ahead. Just more stuck on the fact that I was coming to him for help. I mean, he was a cold hearted bastard. If anybody knew how to help me get my revenge it would be him. He probably did stuff like this all the time.

Finally I got tired of the silence.

"Father I... I need your help." Besides the rocky start the rest all came out in a rush.

"I don't have ti..."

"I need help getting revenge." I cut in not letting him finish. This got his attention, not just what I said, I had interrupted him. No one did that to the Supreme Commander of Nerv. Nobody... who lived.

Once again there was silence, which was starting to irritate me. Opening my month to repeat what I had said, he began before the first words had come out.

"The Second Child." It was more of a statement rather than a question, but I nodded anyway.

"I know you can find them, they have to pay for what they did. I won't let them get away with it."

"They will be turned over to the authorities." he said simply in that dead tone of his.

"We are the authorities." I stated in the same tone. There was no answer, except his smirk, a very satisfied smirk, which was hidden by the shadows cast by Unit 01. It was fitting. I briefly wondered if she would approve, but I didn't ask. I really didn't want to know.

/In Pains Wake/

- lawless priest -

05 - Justice

Rain fell heavy on the deserted streets of Tokyo 3, clouding the world in a dreary gray mist. It was fitting. I would have smiled, but that would have been inappropriate, and it probably would have made me look like some sick fiend, especially with what was about to go down. So I didn't, but frankly I really wasn't in the mood for smiling anyway.

Footsteps sounded behind me, signaling the other's arrival. I didn't turn to look, I knew who it would be.

"Is it time?" I simply asked.

"Yes, Section - 2 has them and is awaiting us."

"I didn't expect you to come."

"She is an employee of Nerv, and a pilot at that."

"Is that the only reason?"

"No, there are things... people should not have to go through."

I looked over my shoulder with a grim smile, "Keep talking like that and you'll lose that 'Most well respected Bastard' title of yours.

He gave a even grimmer smile, with not a small amount of malice behind it. "When this is over, there won't be any doubt towards my title." and with that, he briskly walked away. His remark wiped my smile away. He was right and I knew it, but I'd be getting a title as well when this was over, but I didn't care. This moment was already decided the moment I found Asuka bleeding and bruised.

Wasting no time, I followed my father, the Commander of Nerv for the first time in my life, fully in agreement.

/IPW/

To say that the cells within the Geo-Front were dark was a serious understatement. I knew from experience how it felt to be stuck down in one of those dank featureless, desolate holes. So I knew how the kid in front of me felt. I say kid because he was just that, a kid, but it didn't bother me. He gave up those moral protectors like rights and innocence the moment him and his friends laid a hand on her.

Not a word had been said during the walk here, everyone involved was either too lost in their brooding or were just following orders. I did note that a few of the guards from before were present, the ones who had came when I found Asuka. Their faces were blank, but the moment we had the cell opened, I didn't miss the content look of approval on there faces.

Stepping into the room I noticed that I was serenely calm, as if this was some normal occasion. I was a little disturbed, but one look at the one in front of me pushed away any sense of doubt. I would finish this, I would make things right, just as I promised Asuka.

Justice.

I would show them justice and righteous fury as well.

Looking him over, I was quick to note his state, the bruises weren't all that hard to miss. Apparently Section 2 had shown him and his friends their disapproval on the ride over. It didn't matter. I walked up to him slowly, but with purpose. If it wasn't for his pathetic state you could say he was a handsome boy, a little older than me, probably in High School. He must have had gotten a lot of attention, maybe one of the popular kids with lots of friends. His defiant stare gave me the impression that he obviously thought highly of himself and almost certainly thought that he would be set free and that he would have our asses soon.

"Tetsuya Watanabe?" the guard called out.

"Yeah, I'm Tetsuya Watanabe ..." He was about to say more, but the guard interrupted him.

"Son of Takehito Watanabe of the Nippon Media Industries?"

"Yes, that's my father. You ignorant punks had better let me outta here.

I blocked out his rants. Months living with Asuka had helped me perfect that particular skill. A rich punk, fitting. He must have thought that he could get away with anything. He was so wrong, so wrong.

"Do you know why you're here." that was my father's deadpan voice cutting into his tirade. The boy looked a little frighten for a moment, my father voice could do that to people, but the instant passed and he shouted his ignorance.

"Some time ago you and your friends met a young girl, a young girl under Nerv's employment and protection. It was rather foolish of you to leave your 'spendings' on her person, and the fact that you didn't use any contraceptives, tracking you all down was fairly easy."

All the while he talked I watched the proud fool revert to a scared boy almost instantly and his reaction to hearing that she worked for Nerv was priceless. His eyes looked ready to bulge out of his head.

My father, Gendo Ikari, the Supreme Commander of Nerv's cold piercing stare left him frozen in terror. It must have dawned on him that this was beyond his father's sphere of influence and that he was in some serious shit.

Finally my father looked to me and with a stiff nod, and I stepped forward again. I don't know what the kid saw when he glanced at me, but his old haughty glare was replaced by one of confusion, and dread. Up until then I had kept a blank face, almost reminisce of the Commanders usual expression, but now all of the fury and the anguish from before, sitting beside Asuka's bed as she cried, knowing there was nothing I could do to stop the terrible sobs coming from her tortured throat. The feelings of hatred and disgust were almost blinding and it most have been written on my face, for the fool in front of me scrambled back as if scolded by intense flames.

He looked from me to the guards and back again, a pleading look in his eyes, as if asking them to do something, that he didn't deserve this, to do anything to him, just get me away from him. But they stood stoic and I advanced further, my hands clenching and unclenching at my sides.

Here was the moment, here was my enemy, now was the time and without preamble I begin to wail on him. To be clear, this wasn't like your typical fight by any means. I didn't give him a chance to act at all, blow after blow fell connecting with feral accuracy. I didn't swing blindly, ever blow was well placed, with the exception of the few that he managed to block. I aimed for the head, wanting to beat it into a senseless mass of pulp, pulverizing his nose and ears. When he began to blocked those I moved to his chest and stomach. Kicks to his shins and knee caps distracted him allowing access to his head again and I took the opportunity without hesitation.

His cries and whimpers went unnoticed by me for the most part, only when I hit something that seemed to make him scream out louder did I become aware. One such area was his groin. I am not a violent or cruel person by any means, so the thought of hitting anyone there never crossed my mind, but after months of fighting the angels and facing death so many times, attacking my opponent and hurting them was the only thing that appealed to me. Where I hit them didn't fit into the equation anymore, only that they bled, and he did.

I lost count of how many times I kicked him there, or anywhere for that matter, only the fact that he was still breathing kept me going.

He had to suffer, I would make him suffer for all of the pain that he had caused, all of the agony that he had put her through, all of the wounds that I couldn't fix, that the doctors couldn't heal, I would return to him ten fold.

"That's enough."

Those simple words cut through my blood lust like Asuka's sobs had cut through my heart. I stood, numb to what had transpired, my hand raised in the air, ready to fall on his unprotected face, my mind empty and disquietly peaceful. Turning to the others, my clothes soaked in blood, I must have been some site.

I said nothing as I stood. Not bothering to wipe off the blood, there was too much anyway, I walked out of the cell. The guards didn't look at me and I didn't look at them.

"Come."

That was all my father said as he lead our little trope towards the next victim. No, they weren't victims. They were scum, a cancerous disease and I was here to explain that to them, in detail.

And I did, repeatedly.

The others fell to similar circumstances as their previous comrade had. All of their high blown egos shattered by my fists and scattered by my kicks. Their torture only ending with my father's voice.

In the end they were left in their pitiful states, battered and broken, much like Asuka had been. I had to close my eyes as I was assaulted by images or her rape. I kick out at the last fool to block it out. His cry brought me back. Much of what happened next became a blur. I remember father telling me to come and I did. Somehow I ended up in some room while my wounds were tended to. Apparently I had broken a few fingers against their faces and in my blind rage I hadn't noticed. Some of my ribs were broken and there were cuts and bruises all over my body. Blood coated everything. My once white shirt was far from white now.

Not all of those scum had gone down easily, but down they had gone. They may have been angry at me for attacking them, but they had nothing on the passionate ferocity that burned in me at the site of them.

Truthfully, I didn't care about wounds. I knew it wasn't over. They were still alive and would be for sometime. Their suffering couldn't end that quickly. No, they had to suffer far more than just a mere physical beating and they would. But not now. I had to go see Asuka.

/IPW/

Section 2 dropped me off at the hospital and I made it up to her hospital room. I'd soon be in one of my own, but I had insisted on seeing her first. The guards understood and obliged.

It had been sometime since she had told me to avenge her and I had returned many times to inform her of my progress. Every time I came, even if it had nothing to do with my vow, I could see the life returning in her eyes, especially when I was giving her one of my progress reports.

I spent much of my time in her room or talking to Kaoru. I didn't tell him about my vow, everything else yes, but not that. That was only between me and Asuka. Even so, the white haired pilot and I were fast becoming friends. It was strange that I could actually be... not actually happy when I was with him, but certainly better than I had been. Kaoru's smile and charm could not chase away all of the old demons, but he did help push them away.

"You look like shit."

Asuka greeted me with a smile. I couldn't help but smile back or try. It hurt too much really. Non-the-less I was glad that she was doing well. She wasn't exactly as she used to be and I don't think she'd ever be. Things like this changed people and it changed Asuka. I just hoped it was for the better.

"Maybe, You weren't looking so good yourself not so long ago."

"Whatever, it's this hospital food. It's no better than Misato's. I swear I can't wait to get back home and have a real meal."

"So, you like my cooking?" the question was asked innocently. No ulterior motive evident.

"Like I'm really going to answer that." The German girl responded, but I saw the look in her eyes, bringing on another smile.

We didn't say anything for awhile. I sat in the chair by her bed much like before and we looked at anything but each other. Eventually she asked the question.

"So... how did it go?"

"It... it went well." How was I supposed to answer that. I'm not my father, I'm not used to this kind of thing. "They are still alive." I said.

She looked up at me confused for a second, then angry. All she asked was "Why?"

"When my hands heal up, I'm going back again."

Asuka didn't say anything after that for a long time. "Are you, I mean are they going to... torture them."

"Probably. Father said he'd tell, me. There are some other things, but..." I cut myself off. She didn't need to know those things. Asuka may have been mad, but she's not sadistic. She didn't need to here what else father and I had planed.

I could tell she knew there was something more, but she didn't ask and I wasn't going to tell. "Let's just say that, it isn't over."

"What isn't over?" I didn't even hear anyone come in the room, but there stood Misato in the entry way. Her face was full of confusion, but all of that disappeared when she saw me. "Oh, my god. Shinji!"

She all but crushed me to her, my ribs cried out in torture.

"You're going to kill him if you don't stop Misato!"

The lavender haired released me, only to immediately thrown a barrage of questions my way. "Shinji are you alright? Where have you been? What happened to you? Do I need to call a doctor? Oh, god, Shinji, don't you leave me too!"

"I'm fine Misato. I... I just got in a fight on the way over." I looked at her, she seemed to be on the brink of tears. 'She really cares. I thought... I thought she was just doing her job, but she really cares.'

"Oh, Shinji, Asuka. I've been so scared for you too. I don't want to lose you two. You're like the children I've never had." My commanding officer and guardian said all of this, sobbing the whole way. Asuka and I just looked at each other with similar stunned expressions on our faces. We never knew how she really felt. No one in our little dysfunction family really know how to express their feelings. It was no wonder why we got along so well, while others just looked on us as if we were crazy just to stay around each other. We were all the same; lonely, needy and afraid, afraid of ourselves and the past, but at that moment, none of us cared.