( A u t h o r's N o t e ) Sorry it's been a while. But it was only a two month wait this time! In other news, I love BFG because she sent me an awesome song that totally fits with the story, and was encouraging when I didn't feel like writing anymore. Also, much love to Kirate and all of my reviewers.
In other news, this fic seems to be accumulating its own soundtrack. I have a whole list of songs that fit the story so well. You can find them all at a post in my livejournal. The link to my livejournal is in my userinfo.
Anyway, this chapter is depressing, shorter than usual, and probably sucky. Deal. And feel free to email me. I like emails.
"Change if you want,
But don't you go and change for me,
I can love you as you are,
I didn't mean to make you want to leave.
In the fight between my heart and mind,
No one really wins this time.
No one really wins this time."
- Copeland (No one really wins)
After three hours at the library, Davis came to a conclusion.
Studying was hard.
And boring.
What exactly did Kari see in it anyways?
Sighing, he rubbed at his eyes and slammed the book shut with positively no reservations at all.
He yawned and half-consciously collected his things, shoving them haphazardly into his bag, pulling the zipper closed quickly.
Trying to restrain the thrill of finally being able to leave, he stalked gloomily past the old librarian and out the door. Around the corner, he breathed a sigh of relief, and skipped the rest of the way down the street.
However, when his temporary library-escaping euphoria wore off a moment later, it was replaced with melancholy brimming on the edge of his consciousness, overshadowing any contentment, and stirring up a frustrating restlessness.
I want to see her, he thought.
But he couldn't possibly show up at her house after what she'd said this morning. Couldn't possibly. There was no conceivable way.
Except that he could. As he turned, and started walking towards her apartment, he found the laws of physics weren't exactly disallowing it. Yes, he was most certainly moving, one foot in front of the other, right, left, right, left.
It was late anyway; she couldn't possibly still be studying. Okay, well, she could be. But really, everyone needed a break once in a while.
As he ambled on, he couldn't help but feel more and more divided over his decision. On one hand, he'd get to see her. But on the other hand, he was totally betraying her wishes and trust and their friendship as a whole.
…But he was going to see her.
The combined effect of his conscience and common sense and collective obtained knowledge mixed with his irrational want made for an uneasy, ecstatic nervousness. When he reached the door, it was already dark, inky black seeping down over the sky, blanketing the dying light.
He stopped at the door, feeling edgy. He knew she wouldn't get mad, but this was the only responsible, adult-like thing she'd ever asked him to do. It was like she was acknowledging that he wasn't just the court jester. She was the only one that had any faith in him and his hidden maturity. He really didn't want to lose that by acting stupid.
…
But he still wanted to see her.
Hesitantly, pushing his reservations out of his mind, he rang the doorbell and waited. A second later, Mrs. Kamiya appeared at the doorway, smiling.
"Come in," she said warmly, wandering somewhat aimlessly into the kitchen, leaving him alone, "You're name's Davis, right?" she called, and he could hear banging of pots and pans, "Are you here to see Tai? He's in his room."
From somewhere in the hall, Davis could hear long, high-pitched wails, "Actually," he said, scratching the back of his head, and grinning awkwardly, "Is Kari home?"
Slowly, dramatically, an orange cat sauntered into the living room, and collapsed into its empty food dish, mewling miserably.
"No, sorry, she's not here" Mrs. Kamiya said, popping back into view, drying a dish with a towel, "She's studying with that adorable TK. He just called to let me know she was there. I'm not really the kind of mom that worries easily, but I was getting concerned with her running around all the time. But TK's such a good influence on her, don't you think?"
"Yeah," Davis agreed despondently, heart splintering into tiny, irretrievable pieces, watching the cat wallow pathetically, and desperately wanting to change the subject, "When was the last time this cat got fed?" he asked.
"Oh!" Mrs. Kamiya said, "I've no idea! I think Kari was in a rush this morning and forgot to feed her!"
You haven't heard her whining all day? Davis thought.
He waited, incredulous, as Mrs. Kamiya totally ignored the half-starved cat, and returned to her chores. Grudgingly, he retrieved the bowl, and strolled into the kitchen, feeling oddly at home. He moved to the counter where the food and can opener still lay, abandoned. The cat watched with hungry eyes as he divested the can of its top, and poured the contents into the dish. He smiled at the animal, and gave her the much-anticipated food.
Mrs. Kamiya watched appreciatively, with warm eyes. Apparently there was more to this ruffian than she thought. The cat finished, and lavished its affections on Davis's legs, purring like a diesel truck. He laughed, petting the happy little animal, and Mrs. Kamiya saw in that moment what was beautiful about Davis.
"Miko never liked TK," she said, eyes shining with badly veiled mischief and admiration.
Davis looked up from where he crouched on the floor, half-startled, and processed the words, "Miko, is it?" he said. He glanced at the cat and smiled, "That's a pretty name."
She meowed cheerfully in response.
"I'll tell Kari you stopped by," Mrs. Kamiya said, hiding her smile.
"Okay," he replied, pulling himself up away from the floor, "Thanks."
"No problem," she said cheerfully, watching him leave, the weight of melancholy settling back onto his shoulders.
You're a good kid, Davis, she thought, and you've got such a big heart.
Kari ran – ran like a madman. She ran like she'd never run before. Somehow, it seemed like there was so much at stake.
There was a feeling, anchored deep in her chest, so vital yet so ephemeral, like if she didn't grab it now, it'd slip away. Every second, Kari could feel it escaping her, and that hurt.
Finally she reached Davis's door, a sweaty, disheveled mess. But she didn't care, because she knew Davis wouldn't care. No one who really mattered would care.
Calming herself, she rang the doorbell, and drew back quickly, fidgeting with anticipation. A minute later, Jun appeared at the door, hair strewn every which way, and a pair of chopsticks hanging languidly from her fingers.
"Hey," she greeted casually, "… You're Davis's little gal pal, aren't you?"
"Uh," Kari replied uncomfortably, "I'm his friend, if that's what you mean."
Randomly, Jun about-faced, and strolled into her living room, picking up a half-eaten cup of instant noodles, and digging into it enthusiastically.
Kari took this as a sign for her to follow, and meandered somewhat nervously into the apartment, taking a seat near Jun. She sighed, and smoothed her hair, still breathing heavily from her run. As she surveyed her surroundings, and fully processed the image of Jun devouring ramen in her pajamas, Kari began to doubt if coming was a good idea or not. More than anything though, she just wanted to see Davis, even if it was only for little while. Hopefully he didn't hate her for what she'd said that morning.
"So," Jun said, finishing her soup with a satisfied grin, "If you're here to see Davis, he's not in."
Kari paled. Why hadn't she said that in the first place?
"He's been at the library all afternoon – studying – or something," her face contorted with disbelief, "Like I believe that one. He could have at least come up with a better excuse."
Studying? Kari started, and held back a gasp. So that's where he'd been this afternoon instead of walking home with everyone. A horrible feeling of guilt festered in her chest, rising up into her throat. With every inch of her being, Kari wanted to break out into tears. Why did he always have to be so selfless?
"Do you know when he'll be home?" Kari asked weakly, trying as best as she could to cover up her sadness.
"Nah," Jun said, and belched loudly, "He didn't tell me when he called."
"Okay," Kari replied, standing to leave, uncomfortable with feeling so wretched with a near stranger, "Could you just let him know I stopped by?"
"Sure!" Jun said with a very un-assuring smile.
Kari sighed, and retraced her steps to the door.
Time doesn't make anything better. At least, time spent alone doesn't. In solitude, people make their own company, dragging out painful memories, replaying them over and over.
In the darkness of the cool night, Kari watched herself build up bridges and burn them all down again. The empty street was so quiet, her footsteps echoed in the air. And that made sense, because the ghosts of regret pursuing her were dead silent.
Another thing about ghosts was that you couldn't check them at the door.
Tears, either.
"What's wrong?" Kari heard Mrs. Kamiya ask from above her. As soon as she'd let the door slip shut, she'd collapsed.
"Did TK do something?" Mrs. Kamiya continued. It was useless though; her words were so unreal, little ripples on the edges of Kari's near tangible misery. Her world was in a haze; she couldn't see around the ache in her heart. She sobbed on the floor, raking her nails over the hardwood, and felt like vomiting up the grief caught in her throat until it was raw and red and empty and she could breathe again.
No, TK didn't do anything, she thought, except all the right things.
And I'm going to break his heart too.
"I'm going to bed," she said weakly, almost choking on her own voice.
Mrs. Kamiya opened her mouth, and tried to form a protest. Before she could, her eyes met the drained, but determined eyes of her daughter. Kari wiped at her tear-stained cheeks defiantly, and smiled a broken smile.
This is the part where I'm strong.
With everything she had left, Kari picked herself up, dragging her heavy heart behind her. Sleep was the only way to forget, if only for a little while.
Maybe she would hurt less in the morning.
Maybe not.
It didn't hurt any less in the morning.
"Worse before it gets better," she kept repeating to herself, "worse before better."
At least she'd managed to wake up on time, she realized with a bitter smile, stepping unenthusiastically into the shower. The solitude of the enclosed space, and the steam swallowing breathable air just made her feel worse. She cried quietly with her cheek resting against the cool tile wall, and scrubbed skin until it was pink.
Feeling as tired and worn as she was the night before, Kari snuck past her mother and out the door, mechanically slipping the barrette into her hair, scooping it up away from her eyes.
Stopping at a window near the end of the hall, she stared out of it, sinking into the wide blue sky, and wondered what the day would bring.
It's funny how things can change so quickly.
When Davis had gotten home the night before, he'd felt empty and defeated. Jun hadn't been much help either; she'd immediately gotten on his case, and started asking where he'd been, who he'd been with, why it'd taken him so long to get home.
He'd sighed, trying to block her out as she fretted and shoved things into his head like that he was breaking the rules, and he really shouldn't keep doing that, and why couldn't he be more responsible like normal people and, boy, was he lucky that she needed a favor from him the next day, because otherwise all bets were off.
And just when he'd felt he was about the break, she'd stopped and smirked and let out that sentence.
( "You know that Kari girl stopped by to see you while you were out." )
More words came after that, but he hadn't heard them. He'd smiled, and felt the air rush into his lungs like he'd relearned how to breathe.
Now he sat in the sun and let the crisp morning air fill his lungs. Tilting his head back, his eyes scanned the sky, and for the first time in a long time, he felt a little thing called hope.
She walked down the stairs slowly with tired limbs and a guilt-weighted heart.
Why do I feel this way?
Grasping the railing tightly, she leaned against the wall and coughed into her free hand.
And finals are still next week, she thought despairingly.
Forcing the pained grimace off of her face, she inched down the steps and tried to focus on just breathing.
Finally she reached the bottom of the stairs, and stepped into the blinding sunlight.
Sitting there reading a textbook, was Davis.
And her heart stopped.
He stood and smiled, eyes sparkling in the morning light.
"Hey," he said.
"Hi," she forced back, feeling weak. She had a thousand things she needed to say, and for him to hear. She wanted to apologize and take back all the awful things she'd said, and then apologize some more. All of it flowed through her, and she felt overwhelmed. There'd never be words enough to say everything and say it right, so that he would know.
With a slight start, he hid the book behind his back, but didn't avert his gaze, "This isn't, uh, what it looks like," he stammered, blushing, "I wasn't, um, studying or anything."
She smiled, and felt herself laugh. Inside, the guilt crumbled and fell, and her heart was free again.
I'd almost forgotten how this felt.
In that moment, Kari rediscovered what was beautiful about Davis.
She dropped her things at her feet, and scampered over to him, throwing her arms around his middle.
"Uh…" he replied automatically in surprise. Looking down at her brown head, he smiled; folding his arms around her, and felt her tremble against him in some crazy mixture of crying and laughing.
He was so warm and welcoming, just as she'd remembered him to be. Her words melted away; there was nothing she needed to say. She'd said it all.
"Davis," she said, grinning up at him like a madman, "Let's not go to school today."
It's funny how things can change so quickly.
To be continued.