The Legend of Zelda: Ganondorf on Deck
Main Characters:
Gonzo
Nudge
Senza
Mako
Ganon
Niko
Deep within the vast sprawling ocean that is the Great Sea, a pirate ship slowly drifts across the calm, rippled ocean. It's not known what they are actually searching for. Its been 3 days without Miss Tetra and already things are beginning to get out of hand with who's in charge etc. But along the way they shall come to discover something quite extraordinary
A gull flies secretly behind the ship, unknown to the inhabitants of the device of transport, the gull is actually communication using an ultra-sound device that humans can not see or hear. The gull is merely saying...
Gull: I'm going in boys!
The gull starts to fly towards the ship and carefully, but not too noticeably, lets one go...the discrete blob of excretion flies down on its journey towards the ship, perfectly aimed and...
Nudge: So what I'm saying is that the maps quite simply need re-doing, they are old!
Senza: Yeah...but whose gonna do that?
Nudge: I'm thinking Niko, obviously right?
Senza: Right?
Niko walks out of the cabin and towards the table where Senza and Nudge are sitting
Niko: Hello losers! Enjoying your day?
Niko sighs as a cold, wet, horrible gooey substance runs down his left cheek
Senza: Go gulls!
Niko: Oh great, I've been shat on again...
Niko slowly drags himself away to get washed
Mako bursts through the door from the bottom cabin
Mako: Hey! Guys do you mind, I am reading the latest addition of how to tame and understand Gull behavior
Senza: blinks Is...That so? Well we seem to have a gull situation at this very moment coincidently
Niko: Yeh one of 'em proper dolloped on me, literally and it was hard to come off, man! Some of it is still in my ears sticks fingers in ear gross
Nudge: Oh my! Do you hear that?
Senza: Hear what?
Nudge: The sound of the ocean, its gentle waves that lap against our beautiful boat, the smell of the sea air, so...sniff intoxicating! YUK! Who was that, my my that is foul covers nose
Senza: Niko you aint done one again have you? If you have...! Its walk the plank for the 10th time
Niko: Oh no! Not that darn plank again I always lose something when I go in that freezing cold water! And it wasn't me by the way so dont dare to blame the horrid smell on me
Mako: I say that smells worst than you're underwear Niko
Niko: You've been smelling my underwear...?
Mako: That smell is disgusting, Senza get the plank ready!
Senza: The plank is always ready, it's already decapitated the heads of seventeen people on other ships trying to get bye and it's even caught a few pet beavers
Nudge: Beavers!
They look at the plank and see a few beavers molded to it
Senza: My point exactly
Niko: I swear that smell wasn't me though! How dare you accuse me of such a vastly criminally unaccepted deed!
Ganon just climbs onto the ship deck from the side and puffs and wheezes, holding his knees and leaning down
Everyone: Blinks
Niko: Why is it that every time something like this happens, everyone blinks? It's typical
Senza: Huh? Who's that guy, does he have permission to just sneak on board our ship for his safety?
Nudge: Oh my! He looks ill!
Ganon: Wher...where am I?
Niko: Must have been some party what were you drinking...? Rum?
Senza: Drop it Niko we dont know the guy, it's not good to say things like that to people you dont know
Mako: What if we told him he was on born the Titanic? Would he believe us...? Actually probably not, just a thought though just incase he is drunk
Ganon: Who are you? What the...? Damn I am fatigued, that was some swim, I'm not use to swimming in such a trash can of an ocean
Nudge: Did you insult the ocean? You...!
Senza: Leave it Nudge, so then who might you be and what brings you to our humble abode?
Ganon: I...am Ganon, the great king of evil!
Ganon wheezes and splutters
Senza: Ganon, you mean...the Ganon?
Nudge: The one who was locked away in the sacred realm?
Mako: I thought you were just a legend...a story of old
Niko: Ahh relax guys he's just a poser! A fake, trying to scare us
Niko turns his back and is blasted off the side of the ship by an energy ball
Niko: What the bloody HELL!
Splash
Senza: Well thats done the job! claps hands
Ganon: NEVER! Do I take such deplorable remarks from such an insolent, pathetic little brat!
Senza: Well said Ganon? If that is you're real name
Ganon: looks towards Senza in an evil, eye-lingering way Well what would you suspect my name would be?
Senza: Umm...Ganon?
Ganon: Hmph! So then this is a pirate ship, a tiny, insignificant piece of assembled wood to form one large structural piece of floating garbage, with the addition trash that's on board it
Nudge: That would include you then master Ganon would it not?
Ganon: Do not attempt to defy me for I shall shoot something very powerful and in the form of sphere towards you're direction! Now then, who is the captain of this crap-bucket of a ship?
Mako: Miss Tetra I believe but she has been missing for quite some time now, I've read that...
Ganon: Do you think I care what you read? Books are mere garbage that pathetic humans learn from to claim greater knowledge; ultimate power is the path in which I see
Mako: Books are very interesting, and contain vast knowledge of many neat subjects
Senza: Umm Mako...shut up already!
Ganon: Go dance in the desert while I blow up the sunshine, pathetic mortal
Mako: I read about a desert once...
Nudge: Yeah Mako shut up now
Senza: Master Ganon, I see you are very powerful
Ganon: Don't you know it?
Senza: Would you like to join our ship?
Niko: Cough cough splutter, how dare you let that scumbag on board our humble abode
Niko flies off as a sphere bounces off his cretinous, annoying skull
Ganon blows his finger
Senza: Wow! Tell me what you do to form that sphere of energy in you're hand?
Ganon: Only possession of strong power can you be able to use it properly and effectively, a mortal such as you're self wouldn't understand the true nature of ultimate power
Senza: I suppose not...
Nudge: Senza, why are you so close to this guy he's a...
Ganon: Yes? Oh, please dont let me disrupt you to what you were about to say!
Nudge: Well to put it into simplified terms you're a very nice man who is so friendly that he fires masses amount of energy balls at our fellow crewmate!
Ganon: Yes I do get that impression of generosity towards others...Now then enough of you're stupid, unimportant remarks its time to get this piece of wooden garbage running, you there take the wheel! One slight misdirection and you will have the water to worry about literally, is that clear?
Senza: Umm yes of course runs straight to the wheel and accelerates slowly
Ganon: And you...the pathetic little cretin that reads books, you're dream has come true at last! I want you to dispose of all the junk that's destabilizing the ship, we need to run smoothly and can't with all you're junk on board.
Mako: Waaa! I am not getting rid of my books! No way! What about 101 ways to stroke a cat? And are you forgetting 1000 ways to peel a banana? And what about the Invasion of the Brabirds! That's my favorite read, or the Ocarina of Time, where an evil man gets put away...
Ganon: Heh...that's enough now...
Niko: Please don't blast that energy ball at me again; it's hard trying to grab the side of the ship every time you do
Mako: Ignore him
Ganon: Don't worry, I will
Niko gets blasted off the ship
Niko: I'll be back!
Gonzo then finally reveals himself as he climbs down the ladder from the crow's-nest
Gonzo: Well I couldn't find any nearby booty but I tell you what I have found, a distance island not far from here! So what are you waiting for get a move on you slobbering pus-buckets, I am in charge remember!
Ganon: I believe you are mistaken!
Gonzo looks behind him just realizing Ganon was on board
Gonzo: Huh? Who the hell are you! Did you receive permission to climb on board a pirate ship? Don't think so mate, so if you would like to kindly get off or i'll bloody boot you off
Ganon: Heh...is that so? Do you truly know who I am? The person you are speaking ill of and disrespectful to right now?
Gonzo: Yeh I do, some ponse wearing a robe thinking he can run my ship! Well sorry, but not on my ship! Now get you're hind off my ship already! I am losing patience
Senza: hits own head and whispers Gonzo you fool what are you doing!
Ganon: Heh...heh feigning ignorance will gain you nothing
Gonzo: That's it, how dare you, stupid fat ponse
Gonzo walks up to Ganon and punches him in the face, Ganon steps back with a smile on his face and then steps to his original position again
Gonzo is amazed
Ganon: I like you kid...you got...potential
Gonzo: But...what the?
Senza: He's Ganon, don't mess with him Gonzo
Gonzo: Ganon?
Everyone is silent
Niko: Phew! I'm up! I've done it! At last! I swam non stop but I made it back! I am officially faster than the ship!
Ganon walks up to Niko, and raises his leg backwards; he then lets it go and sends Niko flying off the back of the ship
Mako: I'm beginning to like this guy
Gonzo: So then...Ganon! What business to have on my ship?
Ganon: I believe you're misjudged my friend, I am not here to do business but to take full control of the ship and sail forth into the deep blue trash can that is the Great Sea! Within this trash can are spits of isolated islands, all yielding that same garbage principle! Yet despite that, I am looking for something, something far more worthy than what you bunch of pathetic losers have found!
Gonzo: What? You accusing me and my crew of amateurish treasure discovering! We have discovered many sacred, treasures!
Ganon: Oh really? Would they be bottle caps, valueless rupees, dead fish or even if you're lucky a map that indicates what the compass directions are? Honestly, you're taste in treasures are contemptuous and unworthy
Gonzo: We have found more than that...!
Ganon: Oh yeh, a ripped dolly claimed to belong to one of the crew with an eye missing an about as less stuffing as you would have with you're roast dinner!
Senza: Man that was harsh, we are good pirates
Ganon: Nah, just clowns in costumes
Senza: I have no problem with you taking control, you seem powerful and you dislike Niko
Mako: Good point Senza
Gonzo: But he insults our roast dinners!
Ganon: I am more powerful then you can ever imagine, more powerful then your average pet hamster that runs around in a wheel thinking it has divine power but really it doesn't its just a small, insignificant cretin that is not entirely unlike you band of thieving, horrible...scallywag, disgusting, crap password creating fools!
Niko: I'm back! Did I overhear? Crap password creating! But my passwords are fantastic!
Ganon: Pathetic excuse for a turd, oh wait sorry...that's a person, I beg my pardon. It calls itself Niko does it? Well then...Niko! First errand, go hang yourself
Senza: Nice...but about my dolly, how could you possibly know about that?
Ganon: Heh, I know more than you think I do! Knowing you this short time has lead me to understand each and every one of you precisely!
Gonzo: Man that stupid doll! How did it end up in the sea anyway, and to think we spent fully half the day tracking it down because the metal detector was vibrating! Yet bloody typical, the doll had one metal button! A waste of bloody time that was!
Ganon: Heh you're primitive methods of uncovering treasure is laughable!
Gonzo: Oh, and I suppose you have a better way?
Senza: Wait! What happened to Rosie after?
Gonzo: I threw it back in the bloody ocean, well not before completely ripping it apart! You named it "Rosie"?
Senza: You bastard! MY DEAR ROSIE! NOW SHE LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN! NO! I AM RUINED
Ganon: Heh, a grown man that cherishes and loves a dolly! Truly laughable, to think a man would be so affectionate towards a doll! Pah!
Senza: sobs But...I loved that doll
Gonzo: blinks Well you won't be seeing that again! That's for sure!
Niko: Niko will never hang himself!
Mako: Bit delayed there Niko?
Ganon: I put a spell on him that makes him exist in slow motion compared to our lives...wait; I compared us to the same comparison that is not good. For I am an individual god and no one is as powerful as me, what I mean is, his life is in slow motion compared to mine, and your lives...but my life is better
Gonzo: Right...
Senza: Ahh well, Rosie...Rest in Piece
Mako: Pieces, hahahahahahahahaha!
Ganon: So, we are headed towards that island, pathetic fools
Gonzo: Yeah...that one, right in front of us...
Mako: Bloody hell! Turn the wheel!
Ship veers off to the side of the island
Ganon: Wow, another piece of crap, floating like a fart in a trance on this lame excuse for a sea
Nudge: Whoa! Island ahoy!
Gonzo: Yeh I think I get that Nudge, geez, to think we almost crashed into it! Damaging this ship would be fatal to our very lives
Ganon: Pah! It's made by mere mortals you would expect it to be as about as unstable as a scale balancing a piece of iron and a flower petal! Come on think realistic here people it's a shit-bucket, to put it lightly
Mako: I say what a strange looking island! I wonder if I have read of this in many of my books
Ganon: Many of you're what? Sorry I overheard "books" there, I hope I didn't otherwise ones gunna have one shoved up there dark passageway
Nudge: Oh! A dark passageway! Please direct me there I love dark places
Silence takes place for a moment
Ganon: Right...I think the guy doesn't has an ass
Gonzo: Might explain his high-pitched voice and rather ponsey movements
Senza: Agreed! So where exactly are we?
Mako: At an island you thick piece of...
Ganon: Not an island, a piece of sputum that lies on the garbage can, merely a splat of vomit! The solid remains of faeces
Senza: I was about to eat my last leftover cheeseburger but I think I won't!
Ganon: My my, Hyrule really has turned into a disgusting, maggot infested vat of semi digested cow vomit mixed with some rat droppings and to top it off they threw in a bunch of stupid weasel pirate wannabe scumbags
Senza: Hyrule? Pardon, what is Hyrule?
Ganon: Oh did I slip something out, I'm sorry pathetic mortal that gets confused at everything that comes out of my mouth because you have such a small brain that even King Zora's face was bigger than it when I beat it to a pulp because he was moving too slowly whilst making an irritating sound that sounded remotely like a fish being squeezed very hard while it sat on a pin at the same time. Overall, your brain is very small.
All is silent
Gonzo: Okay, so we gonna get off and inspect the island?
Ganon: Get off? Get off? Stupid human, I don't want to set foot on a floating piece of crap, its embarrassing enough standing on this ill built transportation device that seems to run like a certain Zora King, very slowly!
Niko: Island ahead!
Nudge: He really is in slow motion isn't he?
Gonzo: On you're feet team we got exploring to do, we've discovered a mysterious island maybe treasure lurks within
Senza: I'll play cards on board if you dont mind, I aint going out there! As Master Ganon perfectly stated, so I am staying here! Nudge wanna play Poker?
Nudge: Sure! I dont know what that is but it sounds funny hooohohoho!
Ganon: Neither am I, if I must I am staying on this wooden creaking cranky Zora King-powered crap-floater!
Mako: Hmmm...Apart from crap-floater all those are spot on, well done!
Ganon: Shut it you! Go ram a book up you're behind and see if it comes out readable, I highly doubt it with the tablets you're on
Mako: Hey this guy knows everything
Niko frowns
Niko: I'm guessing it's going to be me whose going to go on that island and get supplies?
Ganon: Yes it is indeed you, the disgusting, absolutely flee-ridden little plop of useless life material and waste to the planet. The cretin on the ship, with the teeth that make him look like a rat that has just realised his grandmother had been thrown into a fire, but then he realised he doesn't care because he is a rat and rats don't have feelings. Off you go!
Senza: I really am beginning to like this guy...I really am
Niko gets booted off the ship
Mako: Erm does he know about those really vicious fish that are about to bite into his...oh...oh too late
END OF CHAPTER 1