Title: How Do You Get That Lonely
Author: Daish
Rating M for language and references to suicide
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of CSI.
A/n This is based on the season finale this is how I think the post ep reaction should have gone. I hope you enjoy and on with the story
Summary: It was just another story written on the second page underneath the Tigers football score.
Calleigh stood in front of the employee board and stared at it for a second. Then she reached out and instead of moving her name to off duty she took it completely off and placed it into her pocket. Then she turned and headed out of CSI and got into her car even though she wasn't sure where she was going.
/ It was just another story printed on the second page
Underneath the Tiger's football score
Horatio put his sun glasses back on as he turned away from the hanger and climbed back into the hummer. It had been a very emotional day for him. He was just grateful that his brother and his family were reunited. Horatio wouldn't soon forget Yelina's face when she saw her husband that she believed to be dead was alive. He just hoped for their sake that they could be happy and remain safe. When he reached CSI he noticed that Calleigh's vehicle was gone. She must have gone home for the day Horatio thought as he walked in. Horatio couldn't blame her it had been a difficult day for her. He just wished he could have talked to her before she left. He wanted to make sure she was ok, and see what he could do for his Bullet Girl. Horatio's suspicions were confirmed but he was left concerned and confused when he saw that Calleigh's name wasn't on the off duty side of the board as it should have been if she was gone but had been removed. Horatio turned to talk to Claudia the receptionist.
"Claudia have you seen Calleigh?"
"Yah she left about an hour ago. Pour thing she looked so lost and empty even though she was trying to hide it."
"Do you have any idea of where she went?" Horatio asked. Claudia shook her head. "Ok thanks," Horatio replied as he turned away.
"Hey H, have you seen Calleigh? The lights were on in ballistics but I can't find her any where?" Eric asked.
"No and she took her name completely off the employee board instead of putting it on off duty. It isn't like Calleigh to leave lights on," Horatio said as a pang of concern formed in the pit of his stomach.
"Yah and there was also a gun left at the firing range and we all know how particular Calleigh is about putting the guns back properly," Eric finished with a smile.
"Yes we do. Tell you what Eric I will go look for her you get what you need to get done and then go home. I will call you when I find her ok?"
"Ok H," Eric replied as he turned and headed for the trace lab. Eric was just passing the door to ballistics when a peace of paper caught his eye. He bent down and recognized Calleigh's handwriting.
"To everyone please remember that I will always love you all. Eric you have been like a brother to me. You have always protected and supported me. Ryan, I am sorry that I haven't given you a fair chance you really are a good CSI. It has been a pleasure working with you. Alexx you are a dear friend. You help all of us more than you will ever know. John I am so sorry that I failed you. I wish I could have seen the signs sooner. Speed I should have checked to see if you were cleaning your gun. And last but most certainly not least Horatio you have been my rock. I wish I could have had the courage to tell you I love you before now. Because it is too late. I have no reason for living any more.
Love your Bullet Girl
PS I will give Speed a good smack upside the head and a hug for you all and Handsome please don't blame yourself.
Calleigh"
"Shit," Eric said as he took off at a dead run and didn't realize that their were tears in his eyes until he got to the receptionists desk and Horatio stopped him.
"Eric, what's the matter?" Horatio asked in alarm.
"It's Calleigh here read this," Eric said as he handed Horatio the note. Horatio read the note when he looked up Eric could see tears in his eyes.
"H, this is destroying her. I wish I knew why she couldn't talk to one of us," Eric said brokenly. Horatio reached out and put his hand on Eric's shoulder.
"I don't know but I have to go I think I may know where she is," Horatio said as he ran out of CSI and jumped into his hummer and took off with sirens wailing leaving a very distraught Eric behind to inform the others of this newest development. Eric gathered everyone into the break room before he would tell them all why they were their.
"Eric, what's going on?" Alexx asked with her eye brows raised.
"This isn't easy to say but when Calleigh left instead of putting her name on the off duty side of the board she removed it. Then I found this note in ballistics. Here I will read it to all of you." Eric read the note to everyone in the room.
"Oh god Calleigh please no," Alexx said as she began to sob. Eric came over and wrapped his arms around her and held her while she cried. Ryan came up and rubbed her back.
"Where's Horatio?" Ryan asked.
"He went off to find her and I pray for her sake as well as ours that he does before it is too late," Eric said as he began to rock Alexx gently back and forth to try and calm her down.
/ It said, he was only eighteen, a boy about my age
They found him face down on his bedroom floor There'll be services on Friday at the Lawrence Funeral Home
Then out on Mooresville highway, they'll lay him 'neath a stone
Calleigh wasn't sure how she had wound up at Speed's grave but she had. "Speed hey I am here to join you. John shot himself today. He came to me for help and I failed him. I should have seen it coming I should have seen that he was slipping."
/ Did his girlfriend break up with him, did he buy or steal that gun
Did he lose a fight with drugs or alcohol
Did his Mom and Daddy forget to say I love you son
"I guess I can add him to the list of people I have failed. Just like I failed you. I should have taken the two seconds it would have taken to ask you if you were cleaning your gun. Eric I should have tried to talk to him about your death. I should have given the new kid Ryan a chance. Pour Alexx was kidnapped and held at gun point and Horatio I have let him down the most." As Calleigh finished she picked up the gun that was sitting next to her and raised it to her right temple. "I have nothing left to live for any more. All I do is fail people and I am expecting more out of Horatio than I will ever get." Horatio slammed on the breaks and jumped out of the hummer. The sight he saw tore at his heart. His beloved Calleigh was kneeling next to Speed's grave and holding a gun to her temple. Horatio approached her slowly so as not to startle her.
"Calleigh, sweetheart please put the gun down you don't want to do this. I love you please come back to me to all of us," Horatio said as he knelt down beside Calleigh.
"Oh Horatio!" Calleigh cried as she dropped the gun and threw herself into his arms as she cried. Horatio just held her letting her cry and comforting her by whispering soothing things in her ear and stroking her hair. Finally she calmed down enough to raise her head and really study him. He looked so exhausted and had a haunted look in his eyes. "Horatio here I am going on and on and you had your own demons to fight how are you holding up. Don't give me that you're fine because I can see right through that. A smile tug at the corners of Horatio's mouth.
"It has been a very trying day. Luckily Ray Jr. was rescued and now the three of them are flying to Brazil."
"The three of them what do you mean?"
"Ray, Yelina, and Ray JR."
"Ray?"
"Yes apparently he was undercover all of those years thanks to the feds and now they think he is really and truly dead. I am so angry and happy all at the same time. I feel wrong for being angry though. I should be happy that he is reunited with his wife and son and that I have my brother back."
"I think you are angry because you had all of that guilt and that isn't fair to you."
"Yes maybe but let's talk about you Calleigh seeing you with that gun to your temple made my heart stop. I don't know what I would do if I lost you. Why didn't you ever tell me that you felt that empty?" Horatio asked with tears in his eyes.
/ How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely and nobody know
"John came to me for help and I failed him. He just wanted help and I didn't help. If I hadn't pushed him away so much maybe he would be a live right now."
"Calleigh look at me please, sweetheart." Horatio waited until he had Calleigh's full attention. "You couldn't have known that he was going to do this. You did the best you could. No one will ever blame you. I definitely don't," Horatio said as he wrapped his arm around her.
/ Now, I'm not blamin' anybody, we all do the best we can
I know hindsight's 20/20, but I still don't understand
"I know but I just feel so helpless. I mean…" Calleigh stopped as a part of what Horatio had said to her finally registered.
"Yes Calleigh?"
"Did you say that you loved me?"
"Yes I did. Calleigh I have loved you from the first day I saw you.
"But what about Yelina?" Calleigh asked as she tried to process everything she had just been told.
"She is my brother's wife and I love her but only as family. Calleigh please don't do it. Everyone at the lab would be crushed and I can't take losing someone else I love."
"I just wonder how no one knew about John. I mean we are CSIs we should have seen it," Calleigh replied.
/ How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely and nobody know
"I don't know Calleigh but you couldn't have done anything different ok sweetheart?"
"Ok Horatio I love you so much can we go back to the lab I feel I owe everyone an explanation."
"Sure we can Beautiful. Come on lets go," Horatio said as he helped Calleigh to her feet and guided her towards the hummer. "I don't think you're in any condition to drive." She just nodded and got in to the passenger seat.
"Hey Eric, where are you right now?" Horatio asked as he pulled out on to the high way with Calleigh sitting quietly next to him.
"I'm in the break room with the rest of the team. We couldn't leave is Calleigh ok?"
"Yes she is or at least she will be," Horatio said softly.
"Thank god when I realized that she still had her gun with her I was so terrified."
"Me to Eric we are coming back to the lab. Calleigh wants to talk to everyone ok?"
"Ok we will see you guys when you get here," Eric said as he hung up and turned to tell the others that their beloved Bullet Girl was ok.
Everyone was relieved to see Horatio walk in with Calleigh right behind him.
"Oh Calleigh, I'm so glad that your ok," Eric cried as he threw his arms around Calleigh in a bear hug and began to cry.
"Eric, Shh its ok I am ok. Thanks to Horatio he saved me and made me realize that life is worth living." Everyone else took their turn giving Calleigh a hug including Alexx who also gave her a firm smack upside the head.
"If you ever get any suicidal thoughts again you talk to us first ok sugar!" Calleigh just nodded.
"I am going to talk to the department counselor and see if she can recommend someone who I can talk to."
"Good for you," Ryan said as he gave Calleigh a smile.
"I am going to talk to the department counselor as well. Calleigh made me realize that I have a lot to be grateful for," Horatio finished and leaned down and gave Calleigh a kiss on the lips. "The best thing of all is that she has agreed to be my girl friend," Horatio said with a smile. Everyone hugged Calleigh and congratulated Horatio on finally realizing their feelings.
"It will help but I know that I have a long way to go but I will be able to get through with all of you by my side," Calleigh said as she gave Horatio another kiss then turned to walk out the door and head home with her sweetheart.
/ It was just another story printed on the second page underneath
the Tiger's football score