THE SHOOTING OF HOGWARTS, THE MOVIE
Disclaimer: JKR owns Harry Potter and everything related to him and his world.
A/N: Thank you, thank you so much for the nice reviews! I'm speachless :-#
Er, and... WARNING: I'm not sure if I should change the rating of this chapter. Personally I don't think I should. But there are some sexual jokes here, so be warned.
DAY FIVE
Time: Very early in the morning.
Place: Somewhere in the Forbidden forest.
LOCKHART: Come on, just a little bit farther. Don't be such grannies! Hurry up! You heard that evil woman. If we don't do a very good job very fast we're doomed!
EVERYONE: Shut up.
LOCKHART: You know, maybe we'll all cheer up if we sing a little. And we'll walk faster too if we're singing! Come on, after me! (starts singing merrily but awfully out of tune)
When you're happy and you know it clap your hands (clap, clap)
When you're happy and you know it clap your hands (clap, clap)
When you're happy and you know it and you really wanna show it,
Whe you're happy and you know it...
(notices the murderous look on the others' faces) On the other hand, maybe singing wasn't such a good idea.
HARRY: I think Lockhart's become a lot smarter since we first started shooting. He's taking on hints now!
LOCKHART: Well, here we are. (gestures towards a clearing)
HERMIONE: OK, here we are but why are we here?
RON: Yeah, you still haven't told us what scenes we have planned for today.
LOCKHART: Oh, there are five of them we need to shoot today in order to complete the whole thing on time. The first one's when You-know-who gets his body back. You know, the famous scene at the end of Goblet of Fire?
HARRY: Er, yeah, you could say I know. But who's playing Voldemort?
SIRIUS: (grumpily) I am. And I don't understand why I should.
NEVILLE: You're complaining? I'm supposed to play Pettigrew!
LOCKHART: Come now, we can't call the real people to play themselves in this case, can we?
SNAPE: (smirking) Why not? This author's crazy enough.
LOCKHART: OK, enough out-of-plot comments! We don't have time for this!
SNAPE: You mean this thing actually has a plot?
LOCKHART: I said ENOUGH! Shut up and take the white paint out of my bag. We have to make Sirius look like You-know-who.
SIRIUS: (putting on red contacts) That's not possible, I'm too good-looking.
LOCKHART: We'll see about that. First of all, you should be bald.
SIRIUS: You're not shaving my hair!!!!
SIRIUS FANGIRLS: (voices sound out of nowhere) You shave his hair and you're dead!
LOCKHART: No, no, I'm not shaving his hair. Snape, could you search my bag again? Look for one of those stupid rubber things muggle swimmers put on their heads.
Snape: (takes it out grinning) This?
LOCKHART: Exactly.
SIRIUS: BUT IT'S PINK!!!
LOCKHART: Yes, well, it's all we have. Either this or we really have to shave your hair.
SIRIUS: (groans and puts it on)
SNAPE: (bursts out laughing)
SIRIUS: (glares at him but then sighs) I can't blame you. What's next?
LOCKHART: Take your clothes off.
SIRIUS: (looks like he's just swallowed a slug) What???
EVERYONE: What???
SIRIUS FANGIRLS: Wha... Oooooooooh!
LOCKHART: Well, You-know-who wasn't wearing a T-shirt when he gained his body back, was he, Harry?
HARRY: Er, well, no. He was kinda... nacked.
HERMIONE: Oh. I hadn't thought about that, Harry. You must have gone through a real shock.
HARRY: You mean, apart from seeing Cedric die and being tied up and having my arm cut?
HERMIONE: Well, yeah. Was he... gifted?
RON: Hermione!!!!!!!!
HERMIONE: OK, OK, not that I'm really interested! Just curious.
SIRIUS: I'm not taking my clothes off! We have to keep the rating...
LOCKHART: G, I know, I know, you say it all the time! Since when are you so conserned about these things.
SIRIUS: (indignantly) I'd like you to know that I'm not the way everyone describes me! I'm actually a responsible man, very conserned with the moral of the new generation!
SIRIUS FANGIRLS: Yeah, right! We wouldn't like you if you were!
LOCKHART: Besides, I don't think it would really change the rating. You-know-who appeared nacked in the book after all.
SIRIUS: Yes, but that was not specificaly mentioned!
LOCKHART: Allright then, we won't describe this scene in the fic. Nor will we describe any of the other scenes we're shooting today, because they contain violence. Happy? Now get undressed and let Snape paint you white.
SIRIUS: NO! NONONONON! Not Snape!!!!!
SNAPE: Definitely not me!!!
LOCKHART: (sighs) Fine then, do it yourself. Sorry, readers, but for you this chapter ends here.
Same evening. It's already dark. Our heroes have just finished the last scene for the day and are trying to find their way in the dark, scary, dangerous Forbidden forest.
LOCKHART: When you're happy and you know it...
SNAPE: If you don't shut up this instant...
A SOUND: (is heard)
EVERYONE: AAAAAARGHH!!!!!
HERMIONE: Calm down! It's just an owl!
SIRIUS: Lockhart, if get out of this alive, I'm gonna kill you!
SIRIUS FANGIRLS: Boooooooooo!
EVERYONE: AAAAAAAAAAARGH!
SIRIUS FANGIRLS: (giggle) That was just us!
SNAPE: Could you please get them out if this fic? Why are they here anyway?
AUTHOR: (shrugs) No point really. But since you're my favourite character, I'll try to keep them away.
SNAPE: But if I'm your favourite character, how come you let HIS fangirls in the fic?
SIRIUS: You have NO fangirls, Snivellus!
AUTHOR: You mean to tell me I'm not a girl?
SIRIUS: Er... I'll shut up now.
AUTHOR: To answer your question, Severus, his fangirls are a bit easier to controll than yours. Now, if I wre you, I'd concentrate on getting out of this forest.
HARRY: You're not gonna get us out?
AUTHOR: No, you'll have to do it yourselves... Boooooooo!
EVERYONE: AAAAAARGHH!
AUTHOR: (giggles)
END OF DAY FIVE