Leaving Home Again

"What the fuck was all that about?" Link asked once he and the King of Red Lions were out of Jabun's lair.

"That is none of your business," The King replied flatly.

"Why are you always doing stuff like this to me? Do you hate me or something?"

"Well, yes, actually."

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR!" Link yelled.

"Well, one cannot always hear what is desired," The King of Red Lions replied.

"Oh, what, so now you're a fucking fortune cookie?"

"You're very short-tempered, do you know that?"

"WHO'S SHORT-TEMPERED?" Link screamed.

"Shut up, I need to tell you the next part of your quest!"

"Wait! We're gonna be leaving Outset, so why can't I at least say hi to my grandma?"

"Oh, fine," The King sighed. "But hurry up!"

Link quickly jumped out of the boat and went to his house.

Once he was inside, he looked around. His grandma was asleep, and she looked pretty sick.

"Link...Aryll... Be careful... Oh... So...horny..." she muttered in her sleep.

Link walked towards her with a frown.

His grandmother was...horny? Oh yeah, and she was sick too.

"I probably should heal her somehow..." Link said quietly. "Nah... I'm not that nice."

He stuck her wallet in his pants, pocket, whatever, and then he rummaged through her dresser.

"HEY! So that's where all my sex toys went! Horny old hag... I paid for these!" Link declared.

Once he had collected all his "toys", and his grandmother's money, he headed back to The King of Red Lions.

"That was fast..." The King said.

"Yeah, well, she was asleep so I just took all her money and got all my special nessecities back from her."

"'Special nessecities'...?" The King asked, brow raised.

"Uh... Uh... Just a few little knick-knacks of mine, that's all..." Link stuttered.

"Idiot, I know all about your toys, just don't play with them while I'm around!" The King said.

"HEY, how did you know? Are you like, stalking me or something?" Link asked.

"Nevermind that! Anyway, for the next part of our quest, we need to put the three goddess pearls back in their proper spots. I have marked their locations on your sea chart."

Link drew the sail, and they were off.

But as he was counting his most recent earnings, they slipped out of his hands and fell into the water.

"OH, FUCK, MY MONEY! NOOOOOOO!" Link cried, and jumped into the freezing water.

"ARE YOU CRAZY? GET BACK IN!" The King boomed.

"BUT THE MONEY!" Link whined.

The King grabbed Link by the back of his tunic, and yanked him back inside.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? 15 RUPEES JUST FELL INTO THE WATER!" The boy wailed.

"15 rupees...? THAT'S IT? YOU NEARLY KILLED YOURSELF TRYING TO GET 15 RUPEES YOU STOLE FROM YOUR OWN GRANDMOTHER? YOU CROSSED THE LINE, YOU SELFISH LITTLE BUTT FUCKER! YOU TRULY HAVE NO CONCIOUS!"

"But the money...!" Link moaned, and began crying.

"Yeah, 15 FUCKING RUPEES!" The King bellowed.

"But the money!"

"You still have what, like 700 more rupees! I think you'll live!"

"BUT THE MONEY!"

Link just continued to sob until his nose began to bleed.