The Pearl Quest

"Look, Link, you dropped the 15 rupees into the water over two hours ago! Can't you just accept that?" The King of Red Lions said in an exasperated tone.

"No," Link said flatly.

His eyes were red and puffy from crying, and he was slumped against the side of the boat.

"Well, they're never coming back... I still can't believe you did that to your own grandmother! You should be ashamed!"

"It's not like she doesen't have a pension..." Link mumbled.

"Uh...Link?"

"Yeah?"

"Your grandmother doesen't have a pension," The King said.

"Oh. Oh well."

"Wait! I think we're arriving at our first destination... Din's Pearl goes here!" The King of Red Lions exclaimed.

"I'm not in the mood... I'm not gonna do this..." Link moaned.

"Oh, yeah, since when did you get a choice?" The King spat.

"Since I decided that I did."

"Well, you don't get to decide what you're supposed to do. Sucks for you, I guess then."

Link mumbled something incoherently and shifted his position.

"What was that?" The King asked.

"Suck my balls..." Link grumbled.

"Still didn't hear you!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, what I meant was, SUCK MY FUCKING BALLS!" Link yelled.

"Shut up! Get your ass off the floor, grab Din's Pearl, and put it in the hands of the statue upon this island," The King commanded.

Seeing as he didn't know what else to do, Link picked up the pearl and jumped out of the boat. He climbed on to the small island, and spotted an almost human-shaped statue. He placed the pearl in its waiting hands.

Nothing happened.

"Hey, you fucking statue! Do something!" Link barked, and kicked the statue.

It's head fell off.

"Oops..." Link mumbled.

"NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU FUCKING BROKE IT!" The King screamed.

"Oh well," Link said with a shrug.

"OH WELL? IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOUR-!"

But The King of Red Lions was cut off when the statue began to glow and shake.

Link screamed and jumped out of the way.

Then the statue grew silent again, so the boy approached once more.

All of a sudden, it exploded, and the statue became a beautiful women statue. Without a head, of course.

The explosion had blasted Link into the water, and his nose began to bleed.

Again.

"Ok, on to the next statue," The King said.

Link slowly swam back to the boat and climbed inside.

"I feel like a fucking slave!" He screamed.

"Well, you sort of are my slave."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, you basically do my bidding, don't you?" The King asked casually.

"Well, I-but-OH, FORGET IT!" Link blurted out.

They set sail once again.

"Let's talk this over, it's not like we're dead...was it something I did? Was it something you said...? Don't leave me hangin', in a city so dead, held up so high, on such unbreakable thread... You were all the things I thought I knew, and I thought we could beeee! YOU WERE EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING, THAT I WANTED! WE WERE MEANT TO BE, SUPPOSED TO BE, BUT WE LOST IT! ALL OF THE MEMORIES SO CLOSE TO ME JUST FADE AWAAAY, ALL THIS TIME YOU WERE PRETENDIN', SO MUCH FOR MY HAPPY ENDING!" sang you know who you'd have to be fucking stupid to not be able to guess.

"Shut up, Link!" The King said.

"You've got your dumb friends, I know what they say...they tell you I'm difficult-"

"Well, you are," The King of Red Lions mumbled.

"But sooo are they... But they don't know me...do they even know you? All the things you hide from me...all the shit that you do..."

"I order you to shut the fuck up!"

"You were all the things I thought I knew, and I thought we could be! YOU WERE EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING, THAT I WANTED! WE WERE MEANT TO BE, SUPPOSED TO BE, BUT WE LOST IT! ALL OF THE MEMORIES SO CLOSE TO ME JUST FADE AWAAAY! ALL THIS TIME YOU WERE PRETENDIN', SO MUCH FOR MY HAPPY ENDING!"

"Ok, PLEASE shut the fuck up. There. Happy?"

"I suppose that's better... I mean, I oughta listen to you considering I'm your SLAVE, an' all!" Link spat.

"Don't be that way, c'mon!" The King said.

"I'll be whatever way I wanna be, got it?" Link said.

"Damn those tweenage hormones..." The King muttered.

After an hour or so of silence, the pair reached their second destination.

"We drop Farore's Pearl off here..." The King of Red Lions said quietly as he stopped near the small island's shores.

"Ok, WHY exactly am I doing this?"

"Because I told you to do it!"

"But I don't wanna!" Link whined.

But then, all of a sudden, The King's voice turned demonic, like in the exorcist.

"YOU WILL DO IT!" He growled.

Link screamed, and jumped out of the boat. He ran up to the next statue and put the pearl in its hands, then ran out of the way.

The dull stone statue exploded, and took on the appearance of a beautiful young woman garbed in green.

Link just stared at her.

"Um, what are you doing...?" The King asked.

"Hey, you'd be horny too if you were stuck on the ocean for days at a time!" Link said.

"Ok, I like, did NOT need to know that just now! Hurry up! There's still one more statue to go."

"Then what?"

"You'll see. Now stop that! I don't want to watch you get an erection, ok?"

Grumbling, Link climbed back into the boat, and they were off for the third and final pearl island.

Link began to hum 'It's a Small World After All.'

"Stop it," The King said.

Link continued a bit louder.

"That's really annoying!"

The humming grew louder.

"STOP FUCKING AROUND!"

"Dammit, you're mean!"

"Oh, fuck you!" The King barked.

"No, fuck YOU!" Link spat.

"How dare you disrespect me! You can't tell me to fuck myself!"

"I can tell you to fuck whoever I want you to fuck!"

"FUCK YOU!" The King yelled.

"DOUBLE FUCK YOU!" Link replied.

"INFINITY FUCK Y-!"

But The King of Red Lions was cut off when they bumped into the last island.

"Ok, here we are... Now put the fucking pearl where it should go!" The King ordered.

Normally, Link would've protested, but he was too damn eager to finish the task, so he obeyed, and placed the pearl in its proper spot.

All was silent for a few moments.

"Fuck this! Nothing's happe-" Link started, but was cut off when the statue exploded, revealing the third and final woman.

"Alrighty then... What happens now?" Link said irritably.

But then, the ground began to shake... Link was blasted off the island, and flew screaming through the air!

Ok, here it is. It was like, hell to write, but I hope you enjoy it anyhow. If it sucks, don't worry, 'cause the next few chapters are gonne be like, my best yet! Oh yeah, and I don't own Wind Waker, or any of the characters and stuff, so ha!