Tower of the Gods
Link crashed into a tall building, and slowly slid into the ocean below.
It did not take long for him to awaken, and he quickly opened his eyes and looked around as he tread water. The King of Red Lions floated next to him.
"Woah, how the hell did you get here so fast?" Link yelped.
The King was silent for a moment.
"I dunno..." he said.
"Uh, what do you mean you don't know...?"
"Link, do you believe in yourself?" The King blurted out.
"I do believe I'm a little freaked out, and I do believe I'm pretty damn pissed, but I guess I believe in myself... Well, gee, that was random. Look, can we stop this whole 'fortune cookie' shit?" Link replied.
"You have faced many hardships, and you must have great courage to have come this far... Link, the place where you are about to go shall truly decide if you are worthy of the title, 'Hero of the Winds.'"
"Ok, uh, what the fuck are you talking about?"
"You must believe in yourself!"
"Dammit, stop it! I'm really scared right about now! What exactly do you want me to do?"
"Go forth, Link, and test your courage!"
"Uh, yeah...BUT WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?" Link screamed.
"Oh, just ride me into that tall building thingy-mabobber over there," The King said, and nodded to a grand building that stood before them.
"Woah, how the hell did that get there?"
The King's voice turned demonic once again.
"NO MORE QUESTIONS, YOU ARE MY BITCH, AND YOU SHALL DO WHAT I SAY!"
"AAAH!" Link screamed, and quickly jumped into the boat.
The pair floated into the tower...
The inside was a large room, and it was completely flooded.
"Oh, great, this should be easy..." Link said sarcastically as he rolled his eyes.
But then, all of a sudden, the water lowered.
"The tide comes in and out here," The King said.
"Oh, gee, I didn't notice that!" Link replied with the same sarcastic tone.
"Will you stop mouthing off like that?"
"No!"
"Why the hell not?"
"You ain't the boss o' me!"
"Yes I am!"
"Look, buddy, I'm not your bitch!"
"Yes you are!"
"I am?"
"YES!"
"Nuh-uh!"
But at that moment, the tide rose once again, and the two were lifted up. Link almost fell out of the boat.
"Woah!" he yelped.
The King sighed.
"Look, we can't argue like this now. We'll do it later. You see that cracked wall that seems to be blocking another area?" The King asked, nodding to his left.
Link nodded.
"Yeah..."
"Head over there, and use the bombs to blow up the wall."
Link quietly obeyed, much to his displeasure, and rode over to the wall, yanked out the cannon, and shot it down.
"Ok, see that other area over there? With the statues, and the door. We're going there next."
So far, Link was incredibly pissed to have The King of Red Lions doing this alongside him. He wasn't sure how much more of it he could take.
Once they were over at the area to the right, Link jumped out of the boat, and ran straight into the door out of desperation to escape.
"Ah! Oh, shit my nose!" Link gasped as he placed his hands over his nose. "OW!"
"Good going genius," The King snorted. "It's a barred door!"
Link slowly turned to glare at The King.
"I really don't need to take your fuck right now!" He growled.
"Shut up, and listen to me for once! There are statues here, so pick one up and place it on the glowing platform near the door!"
Grumbling angrily, Link took his hands away from his now bleeding nose, and lifted a statue, then placed it on the glowing platform alongside the door.
The bars lifted, and Link quickly raced through the door.
In the next room, he found a large pool of water below him. The water rose and fell with the tides.
When the water sank to its lowest level, it revealed a switch and a few boxes.
During the "low period", Link jumped into the empty pool, and decided to shove the crate onto the switch. Once this was done, he looked up and saw a rainbow bridge appear above him.
"Woah... That's a little weird... Man, I wish I had bottled some of those fumes from the Forbidden Forest... I could really use those right about now!" he said to himself.
Link climbed up a ladder that lead to the area which he had found himself in upon his entry, and from there, he crossed the bridge just in time before the water rose, lifted up the crate, and destroyed the fucked up rainbow bridge.
At the other end of the bridge sat a large vase-shaped statue, and Link picked it up and stared at it.
"Maybe if I sell this thing, I can earn back the money that I dropped in the water... The only problem with that would be the fact that this thing is too big too fit in my pants..." Link muttered.
He turned around, but the bridge was gone! The tide had risen.
"Aw, dammit! Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammi-"
But Link was cut off when the water lowered again, and the bridge reappeared.
"Oh, well, this works out then..." Link said with a shrug.
He carried the statue across the bridge, and exited the room.
And there he was, back with The King of Red Lions.
Link acted as if The King wasn't even there as he looked around the area, and found an indentation next to him that was the same shape as the base of the statue he held in his arms. He placed the statue in the spot.
A huge beam of light shone up from the ceiling! A rumble could be heard in the distance...
"There's a gate somewhere here that is lowering..." The King said.
"I'm not talking to you!" Link snorted as he lifted his nose to the air.
"But you just said something to me."
"I-I-oh, forget it, fuck you!" Link growled as he jumped into the water, and swam to the left.
He didn't know why, but he knew what he was doing... Sort of, almost... But I know why... Mwuahahaha! I used my author powers to make him know what to do! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ok, now back to the story.
The next room had the same tide thing going. Some of the walls were cracked too...
Link found himself jumping into the water.
"N-no! Damn those author powers! YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME!" Link screamed.
He climbed onto the ledge in front of the nearest cracked wall, pulled a bomb out of his pants, and placed it on the ledge.
He had momentarily regained control...
"Why do I feel like I'm forgetting something...? Let's see... Put the bomb near the wall... And then...oh yeah! I gotta ru-!"
But Link was cut short when the bomb exploded, and sent him flying into the water.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
Once he was in the water, Link bobbed back up to the surface.
"Ah, dammit..." he sighed, and then turned to look at the wall he had attempted to destroy.
It was gone! And in the hole it left was a treasure chest!
Link quickly swam to the hole and climbed onto the ledge. He walked to the treasure chest.
Maybe it was money!
But when he kicked it open, all there was was a map of the tower...
"WHAT? NO MONEY? FUCK!" Link yelled as he kicked the chest.
He snatched up the dungeon map and examined it...
"You know, I could use this thing actually..."
Link smirked, and rolled the paper into a tube shape. He pulled some matches out of his pants (He keeps everything in there! Seriously!), lit the paper on fire, and began to smoke it.
"Yes! I really, REALLY needed this!"
Link just sat there smoking, eh, dungeon map, for a while...
"Woah, what did I just do...?" Link asked himself as he sat up in a totally different room some time later.
A strange babbling noise filled his ears... Link looked to his left to see four chuchus! But these ones were different... they were yellow, and they seemed to be, like, electric or something.
"Oh, dammit..." Link muttered.
The chuchus drew closer, until the one closest to Link finally sprang up up and into the air!
Link hopped to his feet and jumped out of the way.
The chuchu inched forward and took another leap, bumped right into Link's crotch, and electricuted him!
Link could feel a burning pain go through his body (Mostly his crotch, unfortunately...), and was blasted back.
"Ow...ow... Am I...alive...?" Link moaned as he got to his feet and winced in pain.
He felt his crotch.
"Oh no! There's no feeling in my twig and berries! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! FUCK THIS! MY NUTS! MY COCK! THEY'RE...NUMB!" Link cried.
He turned to glare at the chuchus who were coming towards him again.
"YOU! YOU LITTLE BUTT FUCKERS DID THIS TO ME!"
Link growled, and took out his boomerang. He threw it at the chuchus, and while they were stunned, he slashed the shit out of them with his sword. When they wre vanquished, a rainbow staircase appeared, which reminded Link of the fucked up bridge from earlier.
Link stared at it for a moment, then burst into tears.
"My crotch is numb!" he sobbed.
After sobbing for about an hour, Link decided to climb the staircase... I mean, it's not like there was anything else to do!
There was another one of those vase-shaped statues at the top. Link picked it up, and sadly left the room with it...
Maybe he could sell this one...
When he was out of the room, Link found another cross-shaped indentation in the floor.
"Ok, maybe I can't sell it..." he said with a shrug.
Link was too depressed to care anyway... I mean, how would you feel if your most beloved and important body part grew numb?
The statue was sort of a key, and now that it was in its proper place, Link could access a nearby tunnel that had been unaccessible before. He swam to it, and climbed inside. It was like a hallway, so Link just walked along sniffling for a little while, until he finally came across a door. He opened it and went inside.
In the middle of the room was a strange statue, with a rotating ball on top of it. The ball looked like it had an eye painted on it or something. This statue, my friends, was actually a dangerous enemy called a Beamos!
Nearby sat two more statues. These were called Armos statues.
Across the room sat three glowing platforms.
Link picked up the first statue, and ran across the room with it. But the Beamos used its laser and zapped him in the ass!
"AAAH!" Link yelped, and fell to the floor.
The Armos statue fell with him.
The Beamos continued to zap Link!
Finally regaining his senses, even through his pain, Link snatched up the Armos statue and, as quickly as possible, ran to the colored panels.
The area where they sat seemed to be some sort of safe haven... He was safe from the Beamos!
Link placed the statue on the right-hand platform, and then went back for the other one, but this time, he made sure to stay at the edge of the room. He finally placed the second, and last, statue on the middle platform. But this left one platform unoccupied...
"Dammit, what to do, WHAT TO DO!" Link moaned as he sat down on the last platform so he could think, but immediately jumped to his feet because of the burning pain in his ass.
All of a sudden, platforms began to fall fromt he ceiling! They slowly rose up and down, up and down... And they seemed to lead to another floor!
Link took a few deep breaths to get over his pain.
Poor kid... He can't feel his dick, and now he, literally, has a pain in his ass!
Despite the extreme pain, Link climbed and rode the floating platforms upward, until finally, he reached the only unlocked door in the new area. He opened it and went into the new room.
A statue sat atop a large platform.
"Oh, screw this!" Link snorted as he pulled out his guidebook.
He used his guidebook to learn the Command Melody, and also used it to help him through the next few rooms that I didn't feel like writing about.
Some time later, Link strolled out of a room, the Big Key in hand. He found himself on a path outside the tower, and cautiously walked up the stairs on the path.
Little laser beam statue things that lined the stairs shot at Link with their beam thingies, but Link shot at them with his new kick-ass Hero's Bow!
Our hero stayed silent this whole time. He was deep in thought... His mind wandered to his numb crotch, and his burning ass... How could things go so wrong in such a short period of time? How? HOW?
Link was jerked out of his depressing thoughts when he reached the boss door... He put the key in its hole, and opened the door...