Gohdan
The boss room was dark and dank and made of stone. Link slowly crept forward, looking around. He placed a hand over his crotch for protection, for he didn't want any more harm to come to it. After all, it was still pretty fucking numb.
When Link reached the center of the room, he noticed a stone head with two hands on each side up against the wall. All of a sudden, the stone thing's red eyes opened, and it spoke.
"Welcome, chosen one. Please accept this final challenge..." it said in a deep, booming voice.
"Oh, great, now I feel like I'm in one of those little Disney princess stories where inanimate objects spring to life and start singing and saying rhymes or morals! What the fuck is up with all this?" Link yelled.
The head and its hands were circling around Link... But the boy did not notice, because he was still ranting on and on about how fucked up everything was.
In an instant, one of the hands smacked Link across the room and into the wall.
"HEY!" Link yelled.
His nose began to bleed, and poor Link began to cry from all the stress.
"Don't cry chosen one," The boss, Gohdan, said.
"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't, asshole!" Link sniffled.
"Uh... Uh, well... Don't you want to like, you know, kill me?"
"NO! I just want to sit here and carry on like there's no tomorrow! And plus, I don't know how to kill you, and this time, I don't want to figure it out! And when I'm done doing all that, I'll hurt you."
"Well, ok, I'll tell you how to kill me. You see, I have these eyeballs in the palms of my hands, see? You shoot them with your arrows, and then my hand will just kinda, like, stay still and stuff. Then you go on to the next hand, and do the same thing. Then do it to the eyes on my face, and when I just sit on the ground and open my mouth, throw a bomb in there. But I warn you, I'm gonna have to hurt you," Gohdan instructed.
Link shrugged and got to his feet.
"Well, I'm just gonna have to beat the shit out of you too, aren't I?"
"Yes. Ok, we'll start again on the count of three," Gohdan said. "One...two...three!"
Link pulled out his Hero's Bow, and aimed at the eye on the left hand, pulled the bow's string back, and released. the arrow flew, and hit the eye. Gohdan used his right hand to slap at Link, but the boy side jumped out of the way. Once again, Link shot at the left eye with his bow, but it missed, and hit one of Gohdan's fingers instead. Gohdan opened his mouth, and a bright yellow light appeared inside of it. He began to shoot balls of energy at Link! Link dodged the first few balls, but the last one hit him right in the stomach, and sent him backwards again, almost knocking the wind out of our young hero. Link coughed and paused to catch his breath for a moment, then he stood up, and aimed an arrow once again at the eye. He pulled, released, and made a perfect shot! Immediately, Link repeated it, and hit the eye a third time! Gohdan's left hand grew limp, and the eye disappeared. But the stone creature lifted up his remaining hand, and tried to bring it down on Link! But the boy rolled out of the way quickly, and aimed his Hero's Bow at the eye on the right hand. He shot it, but his aim was off slightly, so it just hit Gohdan's thumb. Link quickly tried again, but missed! He was running out of arrows...
"Here, I'll give you some more arrows," Gohdan said, and sneezed.
Arrows flew out of his nose!
Link ran and snatched them up.
Damn, this guy is such a dumbass... the boy thought with a snicker as he aimed at the eye on Gohdan's right hand.
This time he made a perfect shot! But another energy beam conjured up by Gohdan pushed Link to the floor. The boy felt the unwanted familiar feeling of electricity running through his body!
He wondered if his crotch would ever feel normal again...
After recovering from the shock, Link pulled back the string of the bow quickly, and released it. The arrow made its target!
One more hit, and this asshole's almost dead... he thought.
"Ah!" Link grunted as he pulled back the bow string so unessecarily hard that it almost broke the bow, and let go. The arrow just barely hit the eye, but it still shut it down anyway.
Now for the eyes on Gohdan's face...
Link aimed higher up as he circled the room, avoiding Gohdan's attacks, and then shot another arrow at the right eye. It missed, and hit Gohdan in the nose.
"Hey! That hurt!" Gohdan cried.
"Life hurts, buddy! Believe me!" Link snorted as he aimed and shot again.
This time the arrow hit smack in the middle of its target! Link immediately tried once more, and made it once again! One more try, and the right eye would be toast... Link pulled back the string briskly, and released. Yes! The right eye grew dark.
Gohdan smacked at Link, but the boy did a back flip and avoided the attack.
He fired another arrow at the left eye, and hit it! But once again, he needed arrows.
As if he could read his thoughts, Gohdan sneezed out some more arrows, which Link quickly grabbed.
The boy shot a second arrow at the left eye, but it missed, and hit Gohdan in the nose once again.
"Stop that!" Gohdan cried.
"Make me!" Link said with a smirk.
"You are a brat, aren't you?"
But Gohdan didn't recieve a reply, because Link shot at the eye a third time. Success!
Ok...here it goes... Link thought as he took a deep breath, and fired...
It made it! Gohdan's other eye went dark, and he hit the ground, mouth open. Link threw a bomb in there like he was told, and when it exploded, the giant stone creature jolted.
Link began to cheer and dance.
"YES, YES, YES! I WON, I WON, I WON, I WO-"
But he was cut off when Gohdan's hands and head sprang up, and all four of his eyes glowed with life once again. He was exactly as he was before the battle!
"W-what...? You're supposed to be dead! DROP DEAD, NOW!" Link yelled in frustration.
"Austa la vista, baby!" Gohdan said as he towered above Link. His mouth opened, and an incredibly bright light appeared in it.
This is it! Link thought as he froze and started to panic. This is the end!
But, all of a sudden, a beeping noise was heard. The bright light faded, and Gohdan looked at his watch.
"Oh, shit, I gotta go, Link. I have an appointment. I now pronounce you a true hero. You can go finish your mission now," Gohdan said hurriedly as he picked up his briefcase.
"AN APPOINTMENT? YOU CAN'T QUIT! I WAS KICKING YOUR ASS! COME BACK HERE, AND LET ME KICK YOUR ASS!" Link shrieked.
Gohdan broke through the wall of the tower and left.
"GET BACK HERE!" Link screamed at the top of his lungs.
He stared after Gohdan. The stone creature was gone...