Return to the Forsaken Fortress

When the two reached the surface, Link regained the feeling in his crotch.

"YESSS! I CAN FEEL MY DICK AND BALLS! WOOHOO!"

"Ok, I did not need to know that just now..." the King of Red Lions muttered as he shook his head. "Let's go to the Forsaken Fortress now."

"HOORAY! THE NUMBNESS IS GONE!"

"I said let's go to the Forsaken Fortress!"

"WOOT!"

"DAMMIT, YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE, LET'S GO ALREADY!"

Link looked at The King.

"Geez, you're a fun sucker..." he muttered as he drew the sail.

"How dare you talk that way to your superior!" The King shouted as the two sailed towards the fortress.

"I'll talk whatever way I wanna talk, and you can't stop me! I'm am so sick and tired of you always telling me what to do, and treating me like your bitch!"

"I'm a hell of a lot better than you are, and plus, I'm a hell of a lot older too, so I know more stuff!"

"Oh, well, then don't break a hip old man!"

"HOW DARE YOU MOCK MY AGE!"

"YEAH, WELL, TRY TO STOP ME, FOSSIL!" Link snorted. "GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK, WOODEN HEAD THAT I'M AN INDEPENDENT PERSON, AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT! ALL THIS TIME, I'VE BEEN LETTING YOU PUT ME DOWN, AND NOW I'M TIRED OF IT! YOU AREN'T HELPING ME! YOU'RE JUST PISSING ME OFF!"

The King was silent, apparently shocked.

"I...I..." he stuttered.

"NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP UNTIL WE GET TO THE FORTRESS!" Link commanded.

There was a heavy silence for the rest of the trip. The King was fuming, and Link was stunned by his own statements.

The pair finally reached the fortress.

"Listen, there's a wooden gate somewhere here, and you can use your bombs to destroy it and make entry..." The King muttered thickly.

Link nodded and pulled out the cannon.

"Whatever..."

After circling for a while, they finally found the gate, and destroyed it. They were in the same spot where Link had landed during his previous trip to the fortress. Link jumped out of The King, and began to walk up the stairs. But before he completely left the King of Red Lions, our hero gave him the finger, then continued on his way.

But when Link reached the top of the steps, a large, black ghostly figure appeared.

It was Phantom Ganon!

"I shall now kill you, you little bastard!" Phantom Ganon said as he lifted up his left hand and began to conjure up an evil energy beam in its palm.

"Wait!" Link cried.

The beam in the phantom's palm disappeared.

"What?" Phantom Ganon asked irritably.

Link pulled out a box of cheerios and threw it a good distance away.

"Go fetch!"

"HA! Dumbass, I'm not gonna fall for that whole cheerios thing like those moblins did!"

The phantom began to produce an energy beam once again.

"Uh-oh..." Link muttered, and began to think. "W-wait just one more second!"

"WHAT NOW?"

Link pulled the Lucky Charms leperchaun out of his pants.

"You'll never get me Lucky Charms!" the leperchaun cried, and began to dart across the fortress.

"WAIT! COME BACK, LEPERCHAUN!" Phantom Ganon yelled as he chased after the leperchaun.

"Ha, ha, who's the dumbass now?" Link chuckled.

At that moment, a treasure chest appeared. Link opened it, and found a really big ass hammer called the Skull Hammer!

The boy made his way to Aryll's prison, his new big ass hammer in hand, and threw cheerios at any creature that opposed him during his trek.

At last, he reached his destination, and pushed the door open.

Aryll was still there, sitting slumped against the side of her cell nearest the door, crying. Two headless bodies lay near her, their heads not too far away.

"Aryll!" Link called.

Aryll turned around.

"B-big brother? Is that you?"

Link ran up to the cell.

"Yeah, it's me, but how do I get you out of here?"

"Brother, I missed you!"

"Yeah, I missed you too, kid..." Link mumbled as he tried to look for a way to open the locked door.

"You know, you're not gonna be able to open the door just by looking at it, dumbass," a familiar, and most unwanted voice said from behind Link.

Link spun around, only to face Tetra, and a few of her big ass pirates.

"Ah! Not you again! Scram, bitch!" the boy yelled.

"Chill, asshole, we're here to help!" Tetra said.

She motioned to the door with a wave of her hand, and two of the pirates yanked the door right off its hinges.

"You're...helping me?" Link asked as he blinked.

"For a price!" Tetra replied with a smirk. "You're gonna have to pay me for this, and those bombs I gave you! And if you're worried about your sister...don't be. I promise I'll deliver her safely back to your little island. And that'll cost ya even more!"

Link glared at Tetra.

"Damn, you play dirty..."

Tetra held out her hand.

"Pay up, fag."

Aryll ran up and hugged her older brother, who hugged her back absentmindedly.

"Well...?" Tetra asked. "Where's my payment?"

Link sighed and thought for a moment.

"I...I...uh...have it in the bank...place, and uh...I'll give it to you when I make a withdrawel...?" Link lied.

Tetra sighed and shrugged.

"Ok then. I expect you to give me 1,000 rupees, so you better hurry and go to the bank soon."

Aryll looked up at Link.

"But brother-"

"Shut up, Aryll!" Link warned.

Gonzo lifted up Aryll, slung her over his shoulder like some sort of tote bag, and carried her off. But before he did, he blew Link a kiss, then left.

Our hero cringed.

Tetra turned, and was about to leave, but before doing so, she looked over her shoulder at Link.

"Remember-1,000 rupees! Oh yeah, and I think you oughta kill that bird that's about to come through the top of the room and attempt to kill you. Ok, see ya."

After Tetra left, Link looked up, and sure enough, the giant bird was slowly coming through a hole in the ceiling...