Cyclos

Link stared at Zelda. There was a long moment of silence...

"...WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!" he finally shouted.

Zelda stared back at him for a moment, then she scrunched up her face. The princess keeled over, and began rolling around on the ground with laughter.

"HA HA HA HA HA! YOU ARE SUCH A DUMBASS, LINK! YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVED THAT I WAS PREGNANT? WITH YOUR BABY? HA HA HA HA HAAAAA! YOU'RE SOOOOOOO GULLIBLE! I WOULD NEVER WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABY! THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN! HA HA HA HA!" she screamed.

Link glared down at her.

"Bitch! I didn't believe you for a second!"

"Ha ha, yes you did! The look on your face! PRICELESS! HA HA HA HA HA!"

Then, all of a sudden, the King appeared with a video camera.

"And I got it all on tape!" he crowed, and then began laughing too.

Link turned bright red. An episode like that is NOT good at all for a boy's masculinity (or however you spell that).

"Yeah...well...!" he tried to think of a good comeback, but couldn't.

There was only one thing to do... He snatched up Zelda's purse, which was laying on the ground, and ran off with it for revenge.

"HEY! MY PURSE!" Zelda yelled.

She ran after Link, but he was quicker than her. The boy ran out the basment door, but Zelda tripped and fell down thw stairs. Link smiled triumphantly.

"Bitch...you got what you deserved!"

"Ow...my leg!" Zelda's voice called as Link exited the building.

A few minutes later, Link was sitting in the boat, happily counting his new earnings, when life returned to the vessel. The King was back in boat form.

"Damn...she's rich! There's like, a million rupees in this thing!" Link said, half to himself, half to the King.

"There's just one problem with that money..." the King of Red Lions said.

"What's that?" Link asked, feeling as if nothing could spoil the feeling of pride he got from his winnings.

"It's Monopoly money..." the King said.

Link froze.

"Huh?"

He looked at the money.

"NOOOOO! IT...CAN'T BE! THEY'RE...THEY'RE...FAKE!" he screamed, once he realized that the rupees were plastic.

Link disgustedly threw them, along with the purse, into the water.

"DAMMIT!"

The King of Red Lions was holding his video camera in his mouth.

"I got that on tape too!"

Link was too upset, pissed, and confused as to why one would carry a purse full of fake money around to fight back, so he just pulled a large bottle of vodka out of his pants (or maybe his ass), and began to chug it.

"Well, anyway, we still have a lot to do. You must gather the eight pieces of the triforce, AND find the sages of the wind and earth temples. But before we do that, I must ask, do you remember Zephos?"

Link just kept drinking without taking a breath.

"Of course you do. And remember how he told you he had a brother?"

Link still kept drinking, and said nothing.

"Me too. We're going to find Zephos' brother, Cyclos, and hit him with arrows because it's fun and if we hit him hard enough, he'll teach us a song. Now, let's go!" the King declared.

The pair floated away from Hyrule, and were once again near the Tower of the Gods. Link finally pulled the bottle away from his mouth so he could breathe.

"Ok. I have marked Cyclos' location on your sea chart. Are you ready? Link? ...Link?"

"Wait, wha? You say somethin'?" Link asked.

"Didn't you hear me, dumbass? Look at your sea chart!"

"Oh..." Link said absentmindedly as he pulled out the sea chart. "I don't get it..."

"What the fuck is up with you? Are you drunk or something?"

"Uh...maybe a little..."

"Well, whatever... Let's go," the King of Red Lions said.

The two set sail, although rather crookedly... Finally, they reached an area where the sky darkened, and a super big ass cyclone appeared! Inside it sat a pink frog on a pink cloud...

"Link! Start hitting him with your arrows!" the King commanded.

"What for?" Link asked.

"Damn, you're really out of it... Are you aware that you have drug and alchohol problems?"

"...Uh... Yes..." Link muttered.

"Oh, well, who cares... Just start firing those arrows!"

"No."

The King needed a plan... Link apparently was too drunk to want to do it, but on the other hand, he probably wouldn't have wanted to do it even if he was sober.

"Ok, uh... Link! If you do this, I'll give you a cookie!" the King said.

"I may be drunk, but I'm not stupid!" Link snorted.

"I'll give you five rupees..." the King of Red Lions offered.

"CONSIDER IT DONE!" Link said gleefully, and began to shoot arrows at Cyclos, although, his aim was a bit off. But, somehow, he finally hit the guy three times. The cyclone disappeared, and Cyclos flew down to Link and the King of Red Lions.

"Hey, man, that's not cool! Why must someone always piss me off when I'm busy jackin' off?" Cyclos said.

"Wha...?" Link muttered.

"Um...ok, I like, really did NOT need to hear that..." the King replied. "Look, just teach him the song like the guide book says, and then you can get back to your...business."

"Oh, MAN! You're the MAN, man! FIGHT THE POWER!" Cyclos said.

He began to throw condoms at Link and the King of Red Lions.

"HEY! STOP THAT, YOU HIPPIE!" the King yelled. "Are you fucking crazy?"

"I'm not crazy...I just think we should live in a world where man can roam free with no clothes on his back, and jack off wherever he pleases..." Cyclos replied.

"WHY can't you just teach him the fucking song?" the King said.

"Oh...that's all you wanted me to do?"

"Uh, YEAH! Duh! You should've heard me the first time!"

"Oh, well...ok, man," Cyclos said, turning to Link. "Ok, little dude, memorize this..."

The frog played a little song like he does in the game.

"Wait, wait, what were we doing again?" Link asked.

"Didn't you just hear the song?" the King said.

"No...I was hearing voices instead..." Link replied.

There was an eerie moment of silence.

Cyclos played the song again, and again, and again, and again, until Link finally memorized it, but it took so long, he grew sober. By that time, the frog was so horny, he left without so much as a goodbye, so he could return to jacking off.

"The song you just learned allows you to transport to certain parts on the Great Sea. When you play it, a big ass cyclone will carry us off. Ok?" the King said.

"Wait, a cyclone? Well, that sucks!" Link spat.

"Why?"

"I have a weak stomach..."

"So?"

"So..."

"Ooooooh!"

"YES!"

"Oh, well, who gives a fuck? Just play it so we can get to the fairy fountain on Mother and Child Isles or whatever it's called."

"I'm NOT doing it until I have pepto bismal!"

"I don't have any pepto!" the King replied exasperatedly.

Link snorted.

"Well, then, I'm not doing it..."

"I'll paaaaaay yoouu..." the King of Red Lions offered.

"Oh! Ok, then!" Link said cheerfully.

The boy played the song, a big ass cyclone appeared, and they were off! Off to the fairy fountain!