Medli, Sage of the Earth

"Oh, pipe down, will you" the King of Red Lions shouted as he and Link came to the shores of Dragon Roost. "You've been bitching the whole way here"

"NOOOO! I DON'T WANNA COME BACK HERE! I DON'T WANNA, I DON'T WANNA, I DON'T WANNA, I DON'T WANNA, I DON'T!"

But Link was cut short from his whining as a glop of Rito shit fell on his head.

The King of Red Lions laughed.

"Ah ha ha! I guess I'm not the only one who thinks you sound like a car alarm when you whine like that! Heh heh..."

"DAMMIT! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO GET MY HAIR LIKE THIS" Link screamed.

"Uh..."

"HOURS"

"It shouldn't take that long, really. You just look like you rolled out of bed in the morning without"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, DIPSHIT! IT TAKES HOURS FOR MY HAIR TO GET THE OH SO HOT WAY IT IS"

"Hours of sleeping..." the King muttered.

"DON'T TALK ANYMORE" Link yelled.

Then some more shit fell on his head, causing the King to laugh more.

"Don't...say...anything..." Link growled through clenched teeth.

"Well, whatever. Just go find Medli. She's Laruto's descendant."

"What! No! Not her! I'm not going, and you can't make me"

The King of Red Lions' eyes glowed red.

"AH! Ok, maybe you can"

The boy jumped out of the boat, and ran onto the shore. He climbed up to the entrance of the Rito village, and stopped, listening hard.

Harp music...harp music being played by someone who really sucked at it, flowed to his ears.

"Aw, dammit, who's strangling a bird" Link said to himself.

"Oh, Medli's practicing playing the harp. She's been doing it since she was a little girl, but has never gotten any better...so, let's just face it. There's no hope for her" a voice next to Link said. "But, she's so fuckin' sexy"

Link turned quickly, and screamed when he saw who was there next to him.

IT WAS PRINCE KOMALI!

"AH! You! What are YOU doing here" Link barked. "How did you just appear out of no where"

"I do that sometimes. But, DAMN, don't yell like that! You sound like a car alarm, or a five year old girl screaming for candy, or something of that nature" the Prince said coolly.

"I was really, REALLY hoping I'd never see you again..." Link growled.

"Well, here I am! I know all about your little mission, Link... I even saved you and Tetra! Well, just Tetra. She's pretty sexy too, you know. Quill's the one who rescued you from Ganondorf. And THAT'S when I played my little trick...heh heh..."

"What trick?"

"I made you and Tetra cuddle! Ha ha! It would've loved to have seen your reaction up front, but, I couldn't, so, luckily, the King of Red Lions brought his video camera, so I'll just have to see it on tape."

"WHY YOU LITTLE-"

"Look, anyway, I know you're here to see Medli. I have some "princely" duties to tend to, so I want you to give her these handcuffs, and this sexy police officer outfit! Ok? Or, unless, you want to give them to Tetra, you stud" Komali said with a wink.

Link turned bright red.

"SINCE WHEN DID YOU TURN INTO SUCH A PERV, KOMALI!"

"Whoa, chill OUT! You're more of a pervert than I am, Mr. Prostitute..."

"I'LL BREAK YOUR FUCKIN' BALLS OFF WITH MY BARE HANDS, YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH, THEN I'LL!"

"Look, anyway, Medli's up there" the Prince said, pointing up higher on the mountain.

He handed Link the handcuffs and the cops outfit, then flew into the air.

"And" Prince Komali said. "On a final note, tell your grandma that I had fun on saturday nigh!"

"Wha?"

But it was too late. Komali was out of hearing range.

"That little fucker...when he comes back, I'm gonna!"

But, once again, shit fell onto Link's hair.

"DAMMIT!"

After a few minutes, Link had climbed up part of the mountain, and saw Medli. She was still scratchin' away at that damn harp. Cop outfit and cuffs in hand, Link came up behind her.

"Bitch, I'm going deaf!" he said.

Medli stopped playing and spun around.

"AH! LINK! Stay back! I just washed this dress!" she yelped.

But then she spotted Komali's gifts.

"Um...ok, I won't ask."

"Stupid, they're not from me, they're from your little 'fucking buddy'!"

Medli smiled and took the items.

"Oh, he's such a stud, isn't he? That Komali..." she said dreamily. "You know, we taped one of our 'sexcapades' with a night vision lense using the King of Red Lions' video camera...wanna see it?"

"Um...I'd rather not... I'd prefer watching my own night-vision sex videos, thank you very much... And Paris Hilton's."

"Well, ok. Why are you here?"

"Uh...I dunno..."

Then the stone in Link's pocket rumbled.

"AH! THE EPOCOLIPSE!" he yelled, throwing himself to the ground.

"Dumbass, it's me, the King of Red Lions! Teach Medli the fuckin' song."

"FINE," Link replied.

He pocketed the stone, and turned back to Medli.

"Ok, learn this song. I doubt you'll be able to play it right, seeing as how badly you suck, but, who cares."

Link played the song.

"That song...it sounds...so...familiar..." Medli said.

Then she fainted.

Link watched her hit the ground, and snickered.

"Heh heh...bitch..."

In her dreams, Medli was having one of those vision thingies... She was standing in a black area, when, all of a sudden, Laruto appeared. The sage was dancing around.

"Booooo, BOOOOO, I'm a ghoooOOOOoooost...!" she said.

Then the triforce appeared on the ground before Medli...the young girl closed her eyes began to play a really sucky version of the song Link had just played for her as Laruto danced around like the dumbass that she is.

Then, back in the real world, the young girl opened her eyes slowly. Link sat next to her, poking her with a fork.

"Link, what the fuck are you doing?" she asked.

"Um...poking you with this fork..."

"STOP IT!"

Link put the fork back in his pants.

"OW!" a voice from inside his pants said.

"Oops...sorry, Trix Rabbit..." Link muttered.

"When do I get my Trix?" the rabbit asked.

"Um...Link, who's in your pants...?"

"Uh..." Link muttered.

"Oh, wait, nevermind...don't answer that... And do you always carry forks around? In your pants?" Medli asked.

"Um...no... Maybe..." Link looked around, then said quietly, "Yes..."

"Well, whatever," Medli replied, standing up. "Anway, Link, I have discovered my destiny! I am the Earth Sage!"

"Aaaand, your point is..."

Medli grabbed Link by the shoulders and started shaking him.

"Link! You must take me to the Earth Temple!" she cried.

"Don't...touch me, woman..." Link said in a low, dark tone as he backed away from Medli. "Don't...touch me..."

"JUST DO IT!"

"Fine, ok, OK! I'll take you to the temple! On one condition..."

"What's that?"

"Well, two conditions actually. One, you must pay me. And, two, tell your fucking poultry friends to stop shitting on me!"

And, all of a sudden, some more bird shit flew down, but Link stepped to the side, so it missed him.

"Heh heh..." he snickered.

But then, another glob of shit fell onto Link's head.

"Dammit!"

Medli snickered.

"Hee hee... Fine, I'll pay you, but I can't make my people stop doing that. Deal?"

"Fine..." Link agreed.

"Great! Let's go!"

A few minutes later, Link, Medli, and the King of Red Lions got ready to leave.

"Oh, and one more thing, Link..." Medli said. "Don't tell Prince Komali..."

"I'm not gonna stick around to talk to that pervert, so, you don't have to worry!"

"Are you too going to shut the fuck up sometime soon?" the King asked impatiently.

"Oh. Ok," Medli said. "Link, let's get going."

Eager to leave Dragon Roost and its perverted prince behind, Link drew the sail, and the three of them were off...

Ok...now, I know how some of this chapter may seem, but, I assure you, there will be NO Link/Medli romance whatsoever. I stand by what I say when I say, you won't find out Link's true love until the sequel! Ok? So, sorry, MedLink fans, but, I think Medli goes best with Komali, and Link goes best with...someone else...