Harry Potter: Total Spoof!
Authors' Note: This "story" was written in a tattered black notebook
(with 'graffiti') that was passed from student to student (within the cult) in
school. Writing styles…and everything else…will change every now and then. If
you are sensitive to character-bashing, non-canon material, or insanity of any
kind, we suggest that you discontinue to read this. Also, reading/seeing Pirates
of the Caribbean, The Lord of the Rings, or Harry Potter and the
Order of the Phoenix may help. ^.^
We will not be held responsible for any mental injuries caused by this fanfiction.
There are no chapter titles…it's a spoof, what do you expect??
Disclaimer: We'll say this one time, and one time only. We, a bunch of
IB students, are known as the Gulab Jamun Cult. Unfortunately, we own nothing
but ourselves. Do you really want us? ;)
Spoilers: This has spoilers from Harry Potter and the OotP and The Lord
of the Rings.
Lazily, Severus Snape stretched out on the cushy Chesterfield sofa in the rooms the German Minister of Magic had provided him. Sometimes, there were definite plusses to carrying messages for Dumbledore, and this was one of them: when Dumbledore was respected, his chosen emissary was respected. The tensions were increasing: with that damn bloody Potter's involvement with the Death Eaters at the end of the school year, everyone now knew about Voldemort, and the magical community was frantic. Therefore, in the rush to make allies, Severus was sent to ask for help from Germany. He had to admit, the German Ministry's choice of building was in far better taste than that of the English Ministry. He was in fact currently relaxing at the castle at Neuschwanstein. He sipped at his lemonade (no pumpkin juice here), which continued to float in midair in front of him when he let go.
He had already written to Dumbledore, informing him of the German Ministry's decision to extend a helping hand to the "cause of the Light", as it was now being called. The ironic thing was that the name had come from Severus who had accidentally referred to it as that in order to prove a point. However, Dumbledore had liked the name, and with the almighty Dumbledore referring to it as the cause of the Light", the name had stuck. Obviously, sarcasm was lost on Gryffindors.
Suddenly, a soft musical bell was heard within his room (even the DOORBELLS were better here). Annoyed at the fact that standing up had knocked over his lemonade over, which was now suspended upside down in midair, the lemonade pouring onto the Persian rug, he opened his door to reveal Lucius Malfoy, with an extremely smug look on his face. Severus hated that look. It meant Lucius had done something diabolically bad, probably to do with Death Eaters; and Severus had to go along with it and bail him out when things went wrong, and they usually did.
"Severus..." Lucius crooned, with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Severus Snape..."
Severus fought the urge to roll his eyes. "Lucius, what the hell are you doing here?" he said irritably, the annoyance only partly for show. That is, until he looked behind the elder Malfoy. Annoyance quickly turned to fear, because behind Malfoy stood...
"Ah, Severus Snape," said Voldemort, his cold eyes gleaming in malice.
* * * * * *
Albus Dumbledore fell into a nearby armchair, his face frozen in shock. The wrinkled piece of parchment in his hand floated to the ground, bearing news that not even he could have predicted. He closed his eyes as thought he was trying to take the meaning of it all in, yet also hoping it ever happened.
The Honeydukes candy company had been raided by a host of dementors. All cockroach clusters, Every Flavored Beans, and Chocolate Frogs would not be made. Not only that, but those precious cards bearing Dumbledore's profile would be banned.
Dumbledore sadly looked at the small pile of chocolates and treats that were left in Hogwarts' possession. Once these were gone, he would never taste the same sweetness of chocolate. No duplication spell, or potion Dumbledore knew could save him from this misery; Voldemort's company had put a strange charm on all sweets so that they repelled any sort of magic, including counter spells. They would just bounce back on to the caster.
Just as Dumbledore was about to attempt another duplication charm, he heard a soft, timid knock on his door. Hiding the stash of candy, Dumbledore swiftly went to the door and opened it.
Hermione Granger walked in (A/N: how she got there is your imagination), looking doubtful about her interruption of Dumbledore in his misery. She produced another wrinkled note from her robes that looked as though it had been read over many times already.
"Professor....er, Tonks asked me to give this to you. Lupin and Moody have already read it, and it looks like it doesn't bring any good news." Hermione gave the note to Dumbledore, thinking that now was the worst time to bring more bad news to Hogwarts' Headmaster. The raid of all Honeydukes stores was a heavy loss...to Dumbledore anyway.
"Thank you, Miss Granger. I'll meet the others in a short while; tell them that."
As Hermione left, Dumbledore read the note:
Albus –They've got Severus Snape! I hope you get this message from this owl; dementors are here everywhere! And Giants! All from those Bavarian Alps. Oh, I have to go...they're coming...He's here...with Death Eaters too! They will know now...and --------------
There, the writing abruptly froze, as though the writer, had fallen as he attempted to complete the note. 'The owl must have just escaped...' Dumbledore thought miserably.
And Snape! With a member of the Order of the Phoenix in the hands of Voldemort, everything would be revealed.
With a deep sigh, Dumbledore left the small room and entered one of the hallways of Grimmauld Place. Upon entering the basement kitchen, he found many of the members of the Order of the Phoenix present, and also looking quite gloomy.
Everyone looked up at him, expecting some shrewd ideas or instructions. Instead, Dumbledore just took off his glasses, wiped them, placed them upon the bridge of his nose, and looked into the gloomy faces.
"Well?" he said, ignoring the exchanged looks between the Weasley's and the other members.
The members all stared at him unbelievably. Dumbledore twiddled his thumbs, a faint twinkle resting in his eyes.
"Call Harry Potter," said Dumbledore quietly. With a faint nod, Tonks vanished in the fireplace, returning soon after with Harry.
Harry stared. This had to be the Order. What was going on?
"This meeting was adjourned," he began, "because one of our number has been captured by the Dark Lord."
Everyone was deadly silent. Dumbledore moved to the kitchen door.
"I was hoping to use him as a last defense, but now..."
Harry looked curiously at the door. He could hear a distant pacing.
Dumbledore gave a small wink to Harry and opened the door.
The door swung open, and from it emerged a dog, looking very familiar... He was white, with blue eyes looking at them all.
And with a faint whoosh, the dog transformed.
"Sirius...Sirius Black?" gasped Mrs. Weasley.
Sirius looked at her confused. "Sirius Black...yes...that was my name..."
Harry nodded, still awed.
"I am Sirius the White."
And it was true. Sirius's hair was still black but his robes were white.
"I thought..." Harry said.
"Yes you thought," Sirius nodded, "I fell through the veil and landed in Alaska. Apparently that veil is some time/place vortex thing."
Dumbledore nodded. "I landed in Hawaii once," he said proudly.
"And I was transformed because of the snow," said Sirius. "And I come to you now at the turn of the tide, with greater power."
"And
he'll be our secret weapon," said Dumbledore. Harry stood appalled. Sirius was
back! As the thought started to make sense, his mouth formed into a huge grin.
He ran to Sirius and gave him a man to man (A/N: *cough*) hug.
A/N: Please review! You were warned. We are a bunch of crazy lunatics. There are way too many crossovers...and there will be more! Do not try to give constructive criticism, or advice of any kind…we have tried ourselves to better it, but all attempts failed as some of us threw in more inside jokes.