A Missing Princess

Link and the King of Red Lions arrived at the Tower of the Gods, and sailed into the ring of light that led to Hyrule. Nothing happened.

"Link, lift up the Triforce of Courage," the King instructed.

"Huh? Why?" Link asked.

"DAMMIT, DON'T QUESTION ME, JUST DO IT!"

Link lifted up the Triforce piece and dropped it, but he quickly picked it up again and held it to the heavens once more.

There was a moment of silence.

"Link, the gods recognize you as a hero...the Hero of Winds!" the King exclaimed.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Link asked, but just then, the Triforce of Courage embedded itself in the back of Link's left hand!

The boy screamed.

"AH, SHIT! GET IT OUT, GET IT OUT!" he yelled as he pulled out his sword and prepared to cut off his hand.

"LINK, YOU IDIOT, DON'T CUT OFF YOUR HAND!"

"AND WHY NOT!"

"BECAUSE THEN YOU WON'T HAVE A LEFT HAND IF YOU CUT IT OFF!"

Link thought for a moment. He hadn't realized that.

"Oh..." our hero muttered, putting his sword away.

All of a sudden, the pair began to sink back down to Hyrule!

After a few minutes of going through a dramatic sinking-to-Hyrule cutscene, they finally arrived at the kingdom.

"Ok, Link, you must return to the basement of Hyrule! There, you shall join up with Princess Zelda! TOGETHER, YOU TWO WILL DEFEAT GANONDORF!" the King exclaimed.

"Wait, don't you mean Tetra?" Link asked.

"No, I mean ZELDA."

"Who's Zelda?"

"Tetra is Zelda."

"But you just said that Tetra wasn't Zelda..."

"DAMMIT, TETRA IS BOTH TETRA AND PRINCESS ZELDA AT THE SAME EXACT TIME!" the King yelled.

"SHE CAN'T BE TWO PEOPLE AT ONCE, YOU DUMBASS!" Link shot back.

"SHE CAN TOO!"

"NO, SHE CAN'T!"

"SHE CAN SO!"

"THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!"

"Look...Tetra is the DESCENDANT of Zelda, therefore making her Zelda in a way. She WAS Tetra, but then she turned into Zelda. Got it?" the King growled.

"No..." Link replied.

"Well, WHATEVER. Now, just get your ass back in that damn basement and get Princess Zelda!"

"NO! She can rot in that fucking basement for all I care, 'cause I never want to see that bitch again!"

"And why not?"

"BECAUSE, ZELDA, TETRA; WHOEVER THE HELL SHE IS; IS A BITCH WHO FAKES PREGNANCY AND CARRIES AROUND A PURSE FULL OF MONOPOLY MONEY, WHICH DOESEN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!"

The King of Red Lions sat in thoughtful silence for a moment.

"True... But still, it's destiny! Do it for the sake of the world!"

"Still doesen't sound too appealing..."

The King of Red Lions' eyes glowed red. Link yelped and jumped out of the boat.

"But, uh, suddenly, it does!" he said quickly.

Our hero made his way into the castle, only to find that it got all messed up and stuff! Pillars lay on the ground, broken; the Link statue's head had fallen off, ect... Link didn't seem to care much, for he just walked back into the basement.

On the platform, her back facing Link, stood Princess Zelda.

"HEY, BITCH, LET'S JUST GET THIS WHOLE 'FULFILLING YOUR DESTINY' THING OVER WITH SO WE CAN GET ON WITH OUR LIVES!" Link shouted to her as he approached.

Suddenly, she turned around, and disappeared! Link ran to the spot where she was.

"What the hell?"

A ring of fire surrounded the platform, trapping Link! Ganondorf's voice rang out through the basement.

"Heh heh heh... That wasn't the real Zelda! That was a holagram, for I have captured the real thing!"

"GOOD, YOU CAN KEEP HER!" Link yelled.

Ganondorf paid no mind to Link's comment, and finished by saying, "Now you will go to sleep...FOREVER!"

Two Mighty Darknuts appeared and started to approach Link...

Mighty Darknuts are Darknuts, except they're more powerful, and they have different armor and wear capes and stuff.

Well, anyway, the Mighty Darknuts walked towards Link in an ominous fashion. Link backed up a little.

"Oh, shit..."

What am I gonna do? Link thought. I mean, I've only defeated a billion regular Darknuts, have the Triforce of Courage, and the blade of evil's bane in my hands! WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO?

Then he remebered EVERY Zelda villain's weakness...

Link reached his hand down his pants, up his crack, and pulled out a box of Cheerios. He waved the cereal in the air.

"HEY! LOOK! CHEERIOS!" he shouted, throwing the box over the fire and far away from the platform.

"WOAH, DUDE! CHEERIOS!" the Mighty Darknuts said as they ran through the fire unharmed and went for the box of cereal.

The flames trapping Link suddenly disappeared. Our hero looked back at the enemies and muttered, "Ha ha...suckers..." before leaving the basement.

Link returned to the King of Red Lions.

"Well, Zelda, Tetra, WHOEVER; has been kidnapped. Sucks for her, I guess," he told the King.

"Well, why are you here then! Go save her!" the boat replied.

"That's not my responsibility."

"OF COURSE IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, DUMBASS! YOU'RE THE HERO OF WINDS, YOU'RE ENTIRE LIFE IS DEDICATED TO SAVING PRINCESSES AND KINGDOMS AND STUFF!"

"NO, IT'S NOT!" Link argued.

"DAMMIT, IT IS TOO!" the King yelled.

"IS NOT!"

"We don't have time for this, Link! If you don't find her NOW, Ganondorf will kill us all!"

"So?"

"YOU'LL BE DEAD!"

Link hadn't realized that if Ganondorf killed him, he would be dead.

"Oh..." he muttered.

There was a moment of silence.

"Ok, sooooo...what do I do now?" Link asked.

The King of Red Lions sighed.

"Go through the exit on the other side of the castle, walk down the path, and break the barrier with your Master Sword. After that, keep following the path, and you'll find Ganon's Castle."

Deciding against arguing any further, Link went back into castle and made his way to the other door. He walked down the path and, not seeing any barriers and deciding that the King of Red Lions was out of his fucking mind, he kept walking.

Big mistake, for the barrier was invisible. Link walked straight into it, got electrocuted, and was sent flying 15 feet away while screaming, "SON OF A BIIIIIIIIITCH!"

Our not so heroish-hero landed on his back with a soft 'thud!'. He groaned and slowly got to his feet; his nose started bleeding.

"Dammit...ok...maybe there is a barrier there..." Link grumbled, pinching his nose.

He tried to remember what the King of Red Lions had told him to do in order to get rid of the barrier. He thought of things the King had said...

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

"DID YOU HEAR ME? I SAID STOP SINGING! THAT'S ENOUGH NOW, SO SHUT UP, YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

"Idiot, I know all about your toys, just don't play with them while I'm around!"

"15 rupees...? THAT'S IT? YOU NEARLY KILLED YOURSELF TRYING TO GET 15 RUPEES YOU STOLE FROM YOUR OWN GRANDMOTHER? YOU CROSSED THE LINE, YOU SELFISH LITTLE BUTT FUCKER! YOU TRULY HAVE NO CONCIOUS!"

"Wait, what! Did you just call me Paris Hilton?"

"Dammit, why can't I remember what that bastard said?" Link growled.

Out of anger, he ran up to the barrier and slashed it with the Master Sword. Suddenly, the barrier stopped being invisible and turned dark purple. Then it shattered.

"Oh...I guess that worked..."

Link walked on down the path, only to come face to face with some enemies. He pelted Cheerios at them, which they ate greedily.

Cheerios are the best weapons, you know.

Our hero arrived at a broken part in the path. At the other end lay a huge cave entrance thing, which was the entrance to Ganon's Castle. Link used his Hookshot to cross the broken part, and entered the castle.

It was time to kick some serious ass, and be done with his mission!

I'm gonna try to get as many chapters as possible out today. The Wind Waker may even end today.