The Final Battle

Princess Zelda pulled out a bow and some light arrows.

"Where the hell did you get those?" Link asked.

"Um...nowhere?" Zelda replied.

"Wait a second...THOSE ARE MINE, DAMMIT!"

Zelda shoved Link to the ground.

"GET OVER IT, YOU LITTLE SHIT!"

Link glared at her.

"Now, here's what we're gonna do... You attack Ganondorf as much as possible, and I'll cover you with these here Light Arrows and bow. Got it?" the princess instructed.

"That's stupid!" Link spat.

"Oh, yeah? And what do YOU propose we do?"

"Um..."

"Well, then let's do MY plan. Get going!"

Ganondorf was approaching the two kids at a slow pace...

Link got to his feet and walked over to Ganondorf and hit him with the sword. He would have, had Ganondorf not blocked his hit and kicked him in the shin.

"OW! THAT HURT!" Link whined.

Ganondorf chuckled and started beating up Link. Zelda rolled her eyes, lifted the Hero's Bow, and shot a light arrow at Ganondorf. It was a success!

Electricity seemed to be running through Ganondorf's body, and he was temporarily paralyzed.

"LINK, HIT HIM NOW!" Zelda yelled.

Link started slicing the enemy until he was able to move. When that happened, Link backed away.

Fire glinted in Ganondorf's eyes... He meant business now...

Ganondorf advanced on Link, herding him to the edge of the arena. When he was getting too close to the edge, Link sped to the right and past Ganondorf. He ran behind the foe and landed a parry attack on him, paralyzing the man. Ganondorf's body was completely still except for his agonized twitching. Link stood and watched.

"Link, what are you doing?" Zelda asked.

"Um...watching him?" Link replied.

"KILL HIM, DAMMIT! KILL HIM, KILL HIM, KILL HIM!"

Link glared at Princess Zelda and said, "Nope. Not until you say please."

Zelda approached Link.

"I TOLD YOU TO KILL HIM, AND THAT WAS AN ORDER, YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

"JUST SAY 'PLEASE'!"

Zelda grabbed Link by the hair and pulled him to the ground. Link screamed as Zelda began to pound him in the face with her fist. The two didn't notice Ganondorf walking slowly towards them...

"Heh heh..." he chuckled as he lifted his swords and smacked the princess in the head with the flat side of the blade. Zelda fell unconcious.

Link looked at her and asked, "Is she dead?"

Ganondorf attempted to slice Link, but our hero yelped and rolled out of the way. He got to his feet as quickly as he could, and readied his sword, eyes on his opponent. Ganondorf walked slowly to Link.

Gee, what the hell is wrong with this guy? Link thought.

Suddenly, Ganondorf did a huge flip in the air and landed right in front of the boy! Link screamed, but got cut on the cheek. Our hero turned and ran a good distance away.

It appeared Ganondorf could fly. That was most likely an advantage.

When he felt prepared enough, Link ran forward, sword raised. He attempted to execute a parry attack, but Ganondorf shoved him to the ground and stepped on his crotch. Link screamed, but luckily, he was able to get away after a moment.

A few minutes later, Zelda awoke and put a hand to her aching head. When she had regained her senses, she heard Spice Girls music blasting.

"Oh, shit..." she gasped, looking at Ganondorf who was singing along and then to Link, who was sitting on the ground, hands over his ears, screaming.

"THE SPICE GIRLS WENT OUT OF STYLE SO LONG AGO IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY!" she shouted, getting to her feet and readying her bow. She fired a Light Arrow at Ganondorf, but althought he wasn't even looking at her, he was able to dodge it. Zelda fired again, and the same thing happened.

"DAMMIT, WHY WON'T YOU DIE?" she yelled, pulling out a chainsaw and turning it on.

Zelda destroyed the radio playing the terrible music with her newfound weapon. Ganondorf's eyes widened.

"WHAT...DID YOU JUST...DO?" he yelled.

"I turned off your shitty music, you fag."

"BITCH!" Ganondorf screeched as he ran at Zelda, swords raised. The villain knocked the chainsaw from the princess' hands and sent it flying off the arena.

Just as he was about to kill her, a voice from behind him said, "Ganondorf, your barn door's open..."

"Woah, dude, it is?" Ganondorf replied, stopping to look at his pants. But then he realized he wasn't wearing pants. "HEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! I'M NOT WEARING PA-"

But the owner of the voice, who was none other than Link, shoved his sword up Ganondorf's ass crack and pulled it back out again. He looked at his blade; it was covered with brown stains and Kix cereal. Link decided not to dwell on the question of why Ganondorf had Kix cereal up his ass.

Ganondorf recovered quickly however, and did a spin kick, knocking both Link and Zelda a few good yards away. The two kids got up and clutched their weapons.

Zelda fired another Light Arrow, but Ganondorf blocked it. Link tried to parry, but Ganondorf blocked his attack, too.

About half an hour later, the duo had not landed another blow on their enemy.

"DAMMIT, LINK, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" Zelda yelled as she fired a Light Arrow at Link.

Link screamed and held up his shield. The arrow bounced off of its surface and hit Ganondorf, causing the man to become temporarily paralyzed once more.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'MY FAULT'? THIS IS YOUR FAULT!" Link shouted to Zelda as he sliced Ganondorf.

"IT'S YOUR FAULT BECAUSE I SAID SO!" Zelda replied as she kicked Ganondorf in the groin.

"IT IS NOT!" Link hit Ganondorf with his sword again.

"LIAR!" Zelda kicked Ganondorf in the shin.

Ganondorf finally regained his motor skills and landed another spin kick at Link and Zelda. The pair backed away, and no damage was done.

Link put up his shield, and barked, "I THINK YOU'RE A BITCH! AND WHAT'S WITH THE MONOPOLY MONEY? HONESTLY!"

Zelda fired a light arrow at Link's Mirror Shield and replied, "WHAT DO YOU KNOW, YOU TURD? AND THAT MONEY IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!"

The Light Arrow hit Ganondorf again. Link started attacking him.

"YOU'RE A BASKET CASE!" he said.

Our hero finished his attack and moved away from Ganondorf just as his paralysis faded. Link and Zelda rotated.

"YEAH, WELL, YOU'RE A PERVERT!" Zelda shouted as she shot another arrow.

Link raised his shield.

"YOU'RE A...A..." He was lost for words.

"HA! I WIN, I WIN!"

Link attacked Ganondorf.

"NO, YOU DON'T!"

"YES, I DO!"

Ganondorf lunged at Link, but the boy dodged and raised his shield.

"I'M TELLING YOU, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!" he shouted to the princess.

Zelda sent an arrow flying to the shield.

"I HAVE THE TRIFORCE OF WISDOM FOR A REASON!"

The Light Arrow bounced off of the Mirror Shield's surface and embedded itself in Ganondorf's flesh.

"THE GODDESSES OBVIOUSLY WEREN'T THINKING!"

Link parried, lept onto Ganondorf's shoulders, and jammed the Master Sword into the fiend's skull. He held his pose for an unnessecarily long time as he said, "AND THAT'S WHY RELIGION IS A SIN!"

"Link, that didn't make any sense..." Zelda told him.

Link did not reply as he got off of Ganondorf and stood in front of him, panting.

"Tee hee...the wind...it is blowing..." Ganondorf said before suddenly turning to stone.

Link began to feel all of the physical pressures of his adventure weighing him down. The room began to spin and tilt, and before he knew it, he passed out from exhaustion.

"Link, I'll catch you!" Zelda said as she ran to him.

Link fell and hit the floor, face down, causing his nose to bleed. Zelda laughed and kicked him.

"Stupid..." she muttered with a smirk.

Daphness Nohansen Hyrule came up to them.

"It's over," he said.

Zelda looked up at him. Link woke up and copied her.

"Hey, where the hell have you been?" he said.

"Enjoying my meal. Damn, that food was good... Well, I can see you made Ganondorf a rock. Impressive," Daphness replied.

There was a long moment of silence.

"Well, you guys better go back to the surface world now. Good-bye."

"What about you?" Zelda asked.

"I'm staying here. Yeah, I'll probably drown, but oh well," the King told her.

"Woah, really?" Link asked.

Wow...dreams really do come true! he thought.

"Yes, Link. Well, it's time to flood this joint. See ya!"

Suddenly, the water that was pouring down on them began to come down harder. In an instant, the three were underwater. Link and Zelda were protected by mysterious air bubbles.

Link got a last look at his long-time companion before reaching the surface...

After the children were gone, Daphness Nohansen Hyrule said, "Oh, screw this. I don't want to die. I'm going to Disney World!" He put a Mickey Mouse hat on and took out his video camera. Daphness watched the footage he had just filmed of Link and Zelda falling for his suicide joke before poofing off to Disney World.