A/N: Hello everyone. Thanks for all the wonderful and helpful reviews. I'm sorry to take so long to post and just one little measly chapter to boot. I have a huge state exam coming up that I've been preparing for but I should have more free time after I get it over with. Enjoy!
Chapter 25: Remembering
Elizabeth was there when the Major woke up. She was sitting in her usual spot on the stool her face creased with worry. She was the last person he wanted to see but he knew she was not going away. The woman was persistent if not anything else. He took a deep breath and turned to face the inevitable.
"Hey," she said giving the Major a gentle smile as he became aware of her presence.
"Hey," he returned making a weak attempt to smile back.
"How're you doing?" Elizabeth probed carefully not exactly sure what mental state the Major was going to be in.
The Major shrugged, "Okay, I guess. How long have I been out?" He suspected he was given a sedative since he was feeling quite groggy.
"Several hours," Dr. Weir reported.
"It happened again, didn't it?"
Elizabeth nodded her head in verification. "Do you remember anything?"
"I'm not sure. I remember the guys taking me through the exercises and I think I fell. Oh, God...Rodney," John paused narrowing his eyes as memories came flooding back to his mind. "They must hate me."
"They don't hate you, but I think you did scare them pretty good."
"Did I hurt anybody?" He looked at her anxiously with those puppy-dog eyes that always made Elizabeth skip a beat. His concern was warranted since he knew there was always the potential for violent behavior during his episodes.
"No," she smiled at him. At least, not physically, she wanted to add but held her tongue not wanting to make the Major feel worse than he probably already did.
"Do you remember what happened after you fell?" Elizabeth wanted to get an idea of how much the Major actually recalled so she could measure the severity of the episode. It was important that they kept stats on the duration and intensity of each one so that they could assist him better.
"I don't remember much…wait, you were there. Oh, Liz, I'm sorry. I just can't control what happens. I remember you being there when I came out of it but there's a big gap starting with when I fell."
"There's no need to apologize, John. So, you remember falling and then you remember me next to you but nothing in-between," Elizabeth reflected making sure she understood the Major correctly.
"That's the gist of it. What exactly happened when I phased out?"
"Actually, I'm not exactly sure since I didn't come in until a little while after your episode began. You wanted everyone to go away claiming that they wanted to hurt us and you wouldn't let me touch you. Do you remember any of this?"
"I…I wanted everyone to go away?" he stammered not believing that he would ask that of his team. What had he done?
As if reading his mind, Elizabeth tried to help him come to grips with his experience. "Its okay, John, you didn't realize that they were your team members. You must have equated them with your torturers."
John grimaced. He hated that feeling of being out of control of his senses, of superimposing hisfriends with those god-awful people that put him in this predicament. Elizabeth gave him a few moments to process this information. She could tell by the expression on his face that he was struggling with his recollections.
"There's also one other thing we need to discuss, John." He gave her his, how much worse is this going to get, look. "You said that you would kill for me. You kind of scared me for a minute."
"I said that?" he asked incredulously. Ah…Elizabeth, I don't remember." He was beginning to feel even more terrible.
"You said that if anyone harmed me in any way, you would kill them."
"I would do what I'd do for anyone whose life was threatened on Atlantis. You have to believe that," John stated emphatically raising his voice.
"Whoa, John, calm down. I understand completely. You were smack in the middle of your episode and out of your senses when you said it. I know you risk your life just about everyday to keep every one on Atlantis secure."
"Well…I…would kill for you, I mean, I guess…if someone was trying to shoot you or something…or if a Wraith had a hold of you. I mean…sure, I'd kill the SOB." He stammered out the statement in a way that would make McKay sound like a motivational speaker.
Dr. Weir put a calming hand on the Major's shoulder and looked at him with appreciative eyes. "I understand what you're trying to say."
John looked up at her relieved since he didn't think he could do a much better job of explaining himself further. The Major paused and creasing his brow, was pensive for a few seconds trying to wrap his mind around some more memories. He did remember one salient comment. "Did you mean what you said," he finally asked in a soft, hopeful voice.
Not quite following what he meant, Dr. Weir, cocking her head to one side, asked for clarification. "What do you mean?"
"You know, what you said about being proud of me? That's the last thing I remember before passing out."
Her expression changed to one of comprehension. "Yes, of course and I'm sorry that I hadn't said it sooner. I'm proud of what you have done especially with the team. My God, Rodney's practically a different person than when he first arrived. He's been very brave on the past few missions and works so much better under pressure now. You had a lot to do with that."
Dr. Weir saw something in the Major she hadn't seen in a very long time. His face lit up and he was just about glowing. There she went making him feel better, again. She truly was proud of him; the Major could hear the sincerity in her voice. He couldn't recall a time when she actually verbalized that sentiment to him. Sure, he knew when he had done a good job and equally when he had screwed up, but he had never heard her say it that way. It made a difference to actually hear it.
"I did have a lot to do with it, didn't I?" he declared to himself. "Ah, poor Rodney, he doesn't blame himself…does he?" The Major added the last two words tentatively realizing how difficult this might have been for his friend. "I mean, I know he meant well with the parallel bars and all." His uplifted demeanor was quickly turning towards guilt again.
"Well," Elizabeth started, "the team does feel a little responsible but that's only because they care about you."
"Yeah, I know." John had grown accustomed to each of their little quirks and habits, as well. They were all beginning to feel like a comfortable pair of just right, broken in shoes. He had come to depend on them in many ways and his recovery was just one more thing to add to that list.
"They're not going to go away just because of this one little episode. It more than likely won't be your last but hopefully they'll lessen with time and with some help from the team. After all," Elizabeth grinned from ear to ear, "we all get by with a little help from our friends," she teased.
Oh no, John thought, tell me she didn't just go there. "Tell me you didn't just quote the Beatles."
"Why not, I just happen to think that John Lennon was one of the greatest contemporary philosophers of our time."
"No way," John argued.
"Yes way," she emphasized.
"Not in a million years."
"But in another galaxy, far, far away…"
"Okay, okay, I give." He put his hands up in mock self-defense knowing that if he didn't stop it there, the argument could go on and on as stubborn as they both were at times.
Elizabeth smirked to herself, self-satisfied. "But seriously, we're all here for you." She reminded him once again as she patted him on his upper arm.
John nodded in acceptance of Elizabeth's assessment and fell into quiet contemplation mulling over his memories one more time. He decided that he would have to apologize to the Lieutenant having nearly bitten his head off, and Rodney…poor Rodney, he's going to have some serious making up to do. Maybe some Athosian wine would do the trick. He'd have to talk to Teyla about that.
Dr. Weir broke into his pondering sensing that there may be some other issues lurking about. "Is there anything else you would like to talk about? I want to give you an opportunity to process. It's very important you do this."
"Not really."
"John…" she asked stretching out his name in warning the way she does when she feels he's keeping something from her.
"I'll be fine."
"Are you hungry?" Elizabeth asked in a rush realizing that he hadn't had lunch and must be starving. "I can send for some food."
"Nah, maybe later," he really wasn't that hungry; probably an after effect of the meds. "There is one thing you could do for me, though."
"If it involves water and a sponge, the answer is no," Dr. Weir chided crossing her arms in front of her but at the same time happy that the Major was feeling comfortable enough to ask her for help.
John chuckled and asked his favor, "Would you read to me some more?" He was sure she wouldn't turn down that request especially since he flashed her with his trademark, pleading expression.
"I'd be delighted to read to you." She couldn't turn down that request especially with that face attached to the request.
Grabbing War and Peace from its resting place, Elizabeth found the spot where she had last left off and back tracked a little since the Major had nodded off the last time she had read to him. "Here we go. We had gotten to the middle of chapter six in part three. I'll start at the beginning of this section."
She read:
…The Rostovs had received no news of their Nikolai for a long time when one day in the middle of winter the count was handed a letter addressed in his son's handwriting. Anxious and in haste to escape notice, he ran off on tiptoe to his study, shut himself in and began to read. Anna Milhalovna, hearing of the arrival of a letter – she always knew everything that happened in the house – went softly into the room and found the count with the missive in his hand, sobbing and laughing at once. Though her circumstances had improved, Anna Milhalovna was still living at the Rostovs'.
'My dear friend?' she brought out with a note of melancholy inquiry in her voice prepared to sympathize in any direction.
The Count sobbed more violently.
'Our little Nikolai…letter…wa…a…s…wounded, ma chère…wounded…my darling boy…the little countess…promoted to be an officer…thank God…how are we to tell the little countess?'
Anna Mihalovna sat down beside him, with her own handkerchief wiped the tears from his eyes and from the page, then having dried her own eyes read the letter, soothed the count and decided that during dinner and before tea she would prepare the countess, and then, after tea, with God's help break the news to her… (taken from War and Peace, Tolstoy: Penguin Books, 1982, pp. 268, translation by R. Edmunds, 1978)
And so the evening went, Dr. Weir reading to the Major and, the Major, stopping her from time to time to comment, as before, on some portion of the story. He was intrigued mostly with the Russian history and the military aspects of the saga and Elizabeth had to admit she was interested in the romantic aspects, something that surprised John. He hadn't taken her for the chick-flick type but there was still more to the oftentimes mysterious woman that he hadn't learned about.
She read all the way up to chapter 13, ending with Napoleon's proclamation to the French soldiers that he himself would be leading the battalion against the Russian army, before Elizabeth finally excused herself declaring that the Major needed to rest and have his dinner.
"Why don't you bring your dinner here and we'll eat together," John suggested enjoying Elizabeth's company.
"I would love to, John, but I have some reports to finish up before tomorrow morning. I've gotten behind and they just can't wait. Can I send someone else, instead? I think Teyla's free," she suggested.
"Nah, I'll be fine."
The Doctor had long gone for the evening as well, leaving the Major in the hands of the very competent nurses and technicians.
"Alright, goodnight, then."
"Goodnight," John retuned giving her a wan smile, "Thanks for reading to me again. Same time tomorrow?" he asked.
"I'll be here," Elizabeth affirmed since she too was enjoying their reading time together. She turned back on her way out giving the Major one more smile before leaving the infirmary. "Are you sure you're going to be okay?" she asked again just to be sure.
"I'll be fine. Thanks again for everything."
Elizabeth observed that the Major seemed to be more relaxed and felt confidant about leaving him alone. Once again they said their final 'goodbyes' for the evening. She had contemplated telling him about how he had affected the lights in the infirmary with his outburst but she suspended that idea since she didn't want to give him too much to have to deal with all at once. She concluded that it would be best to let him know about the incident later when she had more information.
TBC…