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7. Love is the Drug

Can you get motion sickness from temporal shifting? I'm seriously starting to wonder.

We're in Ten-Forward, only it's not quite the Ten-Forward we were in earlier. It's changed, been redesigned…

"Enterprise-E," Q whispers. I wonder why he's whispering until I look around—we're in the middle of a wedding. Hey! We're in the middle of Riker and Troi's wedding! Captain Picard is performing it, and there's an aura of unbelievable happiness surrounding everyone in the room.

"How far in the future are we?" I ask Q.

"Oh, a few years." I notice that he's wearing a formal uniform now, as am I. He fishes a huge white handkerchief out of his sleeve and blows his nose loudly, wiping at fake tears. "I do love weddings so."

"How did they finally get together?"

"It happened gradually, from what I understand. They were on a planet helpingtwo race of people called the Son'a and the Ba'ku when the crew was affected by some sort of biochemical force--metaphasic radiation. It made them all—younger."

"Huh?"

"Well, it made them feel younger, anyway. Apparently that's when the two of them realized they still had feelings for one another. You see the result here." Q looked around. "Do you see a buffet anywhere? I hope Riker didn't skimp."

"Wait a second—they got together after being affected by some kind of…radiation?"

"Not exactly how I'd put it, but yes. The mind tells you funny things under the influence. Or drives you to do strange things."

It's too much of a coincidence—I realized on the bridge that I was watching history repeat itself. Here are two people on the same ship—albeit in the future—who were held apart by nothing more than themselves. They repeated for a very long time the same mistake…yes, the mistake…that T'Pol and I made. It took this…chemical reaction…to bring them together again. It took a chemical reaction of a different nature to bring T'Pol and I together.

T'Pol doesn't think I know about the Trellium, but then she doesn't know that I kept backup logs of all the equipment and stored materials on the entire ship while we were in the Expanse. Our ship took quite a beating and I couldn't afford to lose track of any of our resources. I didn't know until after she stopped using it what was going on, but I'm aware that our first encounter was…fueled, if you will, by the effects of the drug. I've always hoped she would come clean to me, to take me as her confident in this matter, but she never has. I had to go to Phlox for confirmation in the matter.

"I can not and will not discuss another patient's private medical history with you, Commander," was all he would say.

It was as good as a yes—if she hadn't used it I feel sure Phlox would have just said so. I worked out how much she could safely ingest at a time (which took weeks in itself) and figured out approximately when she started taking it. After our fateful meeting with the Vulcan ship, the Seleya.

I know that she truly cared for me, I have no doubt about this, but I guess part of me has always wondered what would have happened if she hadn't taken the Trellium. Were her feelings a result of the drug or were they the motivation for trying it? Either way I feel like I inadvertently hurt her and have been trying to make up for that ever since.

"How do they know," I ask Q carefully, "that their feelings were real, and not just the result of that radiation?"

Q shrugs. "They're not under them now, are they? Let me put it this way: everyone on the ship was under that effect…so why are Riker and Troi the only ones getting married now?"

"Because…they had latent feelings only for each other," I conclude. And there it is: my answer. I watch Will kiss Deanna; their friends grin and cry at the same time—obviously this is something that's been a long time in coming.

Yes, history has repeated itself with Riker and Troi, to a certain point. They danced around the issue of love for years, losing time they could have spent together. Would it have been easier for them to have taken another path? Should they have been together for years prior to this? I'll never know. What I do know is that they unknowingly followed a pattern T'Pol and I set out years ago…and now that the future has repeated the past it's time for the past to repeat the future.

I turn to Q as the reception band strikes up and their best man begins to sing. "I know what I want to change," I tell him.

"It's about time," he rolls his eyes.

"Trip, I…have been meaning to speak to you." Before I can blink or get myself adjusted to it, I'm back in T'Pol's quarters, six years ago.

Her meditation candles are still lit and she's wearing one of those shapeless Vulcan robes—just like I remember.

"Yeah, I know. Me too," I tell her. I know how this conversation iwent/i, but now I'm not sure how it will go.

"I don't believe our romantic relationship will prove beneficial to either of us," she says frankly.

I take a moment and try to get my thoughts in order.

"Trip?" she asks, watching me with uncertain eyes.

"I know," I say to her. "I know…you think we should take a break."

"Is that what you believe we should do?" I still see the sadness in her eyes, but there is something else there too. She's not just giving me the choice for our relationship, she's relying on my judgement. I remember the way Riker looked when he finally told Picard about that cloaking device on the Pegasus—the look of a man who had done the right thing and could live with that choice. I feel lighter, I feel relieved, I feel fierce in my determination to take the path I left behind so many years ago. I sit lightly on T'Pol's bed and pet the place next to me, indicating she should also sit. Slightly confused, she does.

"T'Pol…I don't want to take a break."

I hear a sharp intake of breath. This is not what she was expecting. Oh God, what if I'm wrong about this? What if she really doesn't want me? I'm seized by uncertainty but plow on anyway. "We've been through something terrible, something two people should never have to go through…but we aren't strangers. I don't want to become strangers now, because of this. I don't know what you want to do…but I don't want to lose you."

I can feel her staring at me…and I can feel the electricity of her emotions through our bond! My heart sings at the old familiar feeling I thought I'd left behind so many years ago. It strengthens my resolve. "I know you're uncertain about all of this, but more than ever we can't give up."

She doesn't say anything and for a long moment is motionless beside me. Then, very softly, I feel her hand over mine.

"We'll get through this together," I promise her. She still says nothing. "Is…that what you want, T'Pol?" My heart is in my throat as I wait for her reply. It comes not in words, but in a slight shift of her slender form as she rests her head on my shoulder. Overcome, I place my free hand over hers.

We sit together like that for a while—I'm not sure how long—before I decide there is still something I need to say now, before the moment passes me by again. "You know that I love you, T'Pol. I have for a long time now. It just took me awhile to get used to the idea. Can't change it now though…no use trying." I stop just short of babbling, wondering what her Vulcan response will be.

She simply runs her fingers lightly over mine. "I know," she says. It may seem like a tiny acknowledgement, but inside I feel calm wash over us both through our bond. She is scared, but she is also…content. Now I'm certain, we will get through this together. I may only have six years left to live, but those years will mean something altogether new now.

Trip returned to his quarters three hours later feeling like a new man. T'Pol escorted him as far as the lift to the bridge.

"Will you teach me more of that meditation tomorrow?" he asked as they walked.

"I will, if you will promise to control your restlessness."

Trip smiled at her. "Hey, it's not easy for us humans to sit still that long. We're a fidgety species!" He raised his hands at the looks she shot him. "Yes, I will do my best."

"I'm sure you will…you did most adequately today," she conceded. "I believe this will help you sleep…and that it will strengthen our bond as well."

"Then I'm all for it," he told her. He wanted to reach out and kiss her but felt it was too soon for that yet. They were already miles ahead of where they had been only a few short hours ago and he didn't want to ruin the moment. "Well," he said awkwardly, "you'd better got up to the bridge for your shift."

She nodded and the lift slid open to admit her. Trip backed away and watched her go.

Hand on the door, the Vulcan stopped suddenly.

"T'Pol…are you alright?"

She turned and stepped away from the lift, letting the door close behind her. Breathlessly she took his hand. "Trip…"

"What is it? What's wrong?" She was obviously under some kind of emotional stress.

"I…" she took a deep breath and stared at the front of his uniform. "I…return your affection." She raised her eyes to his.

The engineer smiled and squeezed her hand. He leaned forward and placed his cheek against hers, kissing her gently. "I know," he said softly. He had finally figured that out.