The days after Robin left passed by idyllically enough. For the most part, the city's underworld kept its many ugly heads out of sight, leaving the Titans with plenty of free time. Raven spent it catching up on her reading and meditations.
However, try as she might, she simply couldn't concentrate on the book she was reading. Her meditations were frequently broken by extemporaneous thoughts…thoughts of Robin. She tried not to think about him too much and failed miserably. Even though he was gone, she kept on finding something that reminded her of him. And made her worry about his safety.
The Gotham newscast on TV didn't make her feel any better: "Eyewitnesses report seeing the Boy Wonder fighting against Blockbuster and the madman known as the Joker. He was apparently alone, without the help of Batman, his longtime partner. This would be Robin's first appearance in Gotham since…."
Raven tried not to think about Robin after that. Thinking about him invariably meant thinking about how he was doing in a city full of criminals.
If I just sit here, I'm going to explode with worry. She found that thought…odd. She was sitting in her room, the one place in all the world that made her feel safe. It was her sanctuary. And now it didn't feel welcoming at all. It was stifling, in fact. Raven resolved to get some fresh air.
Since she couldn't fly, she walked. She didn't have a particular destination in mind, so she just picked a direction and started moving. The simple act of walking did plenty to steady her nerves and, once she started to look around and pay attention to what was going on around her, she found it easier to think about things other than Robin.
Raven had never really noticed how peaceful the city really was. Her routine used to be fighting criminals terrorizing the neighborhood and then retiring to her room. Thus, she never noticed how many children lived and commuted near Titan Tower. There must have been a grade school nearby, or a neighborhood of young families. The children yelled and whooped and giggled. Raven couldn't remember the last time she ran around that carefree.
Suddenly, Raven found herself at the center of attention. "Hey! Hey!" one of the children, a fat little boy, exclaimed, pointed a stubby finger at her. He shouted to his friends, "It's one of them! One of the Titans! You guys are so cool!"
The next thing Raven knew, there were a dozen boys and girls half her size gathered around her. It was suffocating. Normally, she would have found the unrestrained gazes, the constant pointing, and the loud voices distracting at best and infuriating at worst. But now she felt…content. These children were what she was trying to protect. What Robin was trying to protect. What the Teen Titans were trying to protect. Now that she thought about it, she had never met a group of people who appreciated their work; she never bothered to look around.
After that little encounter, Raven's spirits were considerably higher, and she continued on her way. Some time later, she came across a lakeside park. She had never been there before, but she knew that young couples liked to visit the lake and rent a boat. Apparently, a boat ride was considered a romantic enterprise.
Raven saw joggers, cyclists along nearby bike paths, and families out on a picnic. And, of course, she saw the lovers lying on the grass together, paddling in their little boats. When she looked at them, Raven felt a twinge of…something.
I can't say it, she thought gloomily. I trust him. I know I can rely on him. But dare I trust and rely on him that far?
Does he even feel the same way? He's dedicated to his work—going back to Gotham proves that. And he puts himself on the line every day. For the innocent and weak, for Batman and the other heroes, for me and the Titans. Can it work? Can we make it work?
I don't want to make him feel like he has to answer. I don't want to force him. If I say it…then I want him to answer because he wants to. If he says no…what would I do then, I wonder? This territory we're walking into…this unexplored frontier…I'm afraid of it. Not of him or of what we have, but of what we could have.Hell, I don't even know if I'm actually feeling this. This could be just an infatuation. It wouldn't be right, forcing him to answer me, if I'm not really…really…. It would be wrong. To him, to me. I have to be sure first.
Raven watched as a girl her age snuggled into the embrace of a boy. They seemed so happy. We could be that way. If I said it. If he says yes. If I really do feel that way.
She looked over to the families picnicking. The children laughed as they played, and the parents watched on dotingly. They looked so relaxed, so happy. Is this something I want? Would he want it?
Raven spent a few more moments watching the lake and its patronage, romantic and otherwise. Then she noticed that someone was looking at her. A pensive-looking young man, a college youth with a pot belly and a grungy countenance, was sitting at the base of a tree, a sketchbook resting against his knees and a charcoal pencil in hand. He was drawing her.
"What do you think you're doing?" she asked him tartly, feeling uncomfortable with being used as a model.
"Sorry," the young man replied, setting down his tools. "You just looked so thoughtful. I wanted to capture it. My apologies. I should have asked." He stood and extended his hand. "Let me try that again. I'm Adrian. May I draw you?"
Raven looked at the proffered hand and then took it. "I'm Raven. And I guess you can draw me. What's it for?"
"No reason in particular. I'm just a hobbyist when it comes to art. No formal training. I'm not very good." He gamely showed her his sketches. Raven wrinkled her nose.
"You really aren't very good," she agreed.
Adrian laughed heartily, setting his belly quivering. He looked jolly, in a portly sort of way. "I'm actually a biology student. I guess I'm just to science-based to do well at drawing. Still, I try."
"So try," she offered.
"Thanks." Adrian sat back down and resumed his sketching. After a while, he tried to start a conversation. "You know, I've been coming down here every day for the past few months. It's relaxing. I've gotten to know a lot of the folks who come down here regularly. But I've never seen you around here before."
"I…never really wanted to come down here until today."
"Why not?"
Raven shrugged. "No reason. I guess I was too blind to all the stuff outside my room."
"Ah. I know how that feels. I used to be something of a recluse back in grade school," said Adrian. "Grade-schoolers are the worst when it comes to picking on fat kids. I never wanted to leave my room."
"So what brought you out of it?" Raven asked.
He shrugged. "A good friend of mine did, actually. First, I hung out with just him a lot. But eventually, I started hanging out with other people. Most people think it isn't a big deal to go out and meet new people, but then again, they didn't spend half their lives cooped up in their room because they didn't want to be made fun of. For me, talking to people is a challenge. And when it works out, it's a great reward."
"I can empathize with that," Raven admitted quietly. "A friend…a very good friend…helped me out. He showed me that being in the dark isn't as safe and comfortable as I thought it was."
"A good feeling, isn't it? Stepping out, I mean."
She smiled. "Yes. It's a very good feeling."
Adrian closed his sketchbook and stood up. "So let me guess," he drawled, walking around her in circles. "I'll bet you're out here trying to figure out if you want to take your relationship with this 'good friend' one step further. Or maybe you're second-guessing yourself and wondering if everything you're feeling is just hormones, infatuation, or a thrill-of-the-moment. Am I right?"
"It seems everyone I know is a detective," she commented wryly.
"Not at all," Adrian protested. "I just noticed you kept on looking at those couples on the lake and the families on the grass. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what you were thinking. So, if you don't mind my asking, when are you going to sit down with the lucky fellow and talk it over?"
Raven sighed. "I don't think I will. I don't know if he wants a relationship like that. His work…it takes up a lot of his time. And a lot of his life. I don't know if there's room for me."
It was Adrian's turn to sigh. But it was an exasperated sigh. "Listen to me, Raven. I'm a few years older than you. I've been around, met some girls I liked, but I never once tried to tell them how I felt. Sure, those 'feelings' we're probably just infatuations—all passion and no substance—but I didn't even ask them out on a date. And dates are where you figure out if that girl or boy is really your One and Only. Me, I never got the chance to find out because I let the chances slip right by.
"Now, I'm still young, so I still have a lot of chances left. But you know what? You'll be cursing every opportunity you pass up, even if you have a million more later on. It's the way the human heart is, Raven. So you know I suggest? You tell your man how you feel. Just that. No strings attached. Just say it. And say what you really feel—that you think you want to be with him, but you're still unsure if those are your real feelings. You don't have anything to lose. And who knows? You might get something out of it."
Adrian packed up his tools and started walking. "Well, I'll be seeing you, Raven. Thanks for letting me draw you." And then he was gone, leaving Raven to mull over his words.
And then she smiled.
She returned to Titan Tower in good spirits. A smile lit her face, pure and genuine.
When she looked into the mirror above her vanity, Raven liked what she saw. She liked the changes coming over her.
When did this change start? she wondered briefly. The answer immediately came to mind. Robin. I have one more thing to thank you for, now.
She sighed in contentment. A void in her heart, one that had left her dark and gloomy for so very long, was suddenly filled. And it was thanks to him. To Dick Grayson. Her Dick Grayson.
When did he become 'my Dick Grayson? she thought, a blush staining her cheeks a pretty shade of pink. I don't even know if I want him to be mine. Raven sighed, feeling torn. I have to talk to him about it, at least.
Yes, she affirmed silently. I'll do it. I'll talk to him. That'll be good enough, for now.