Author's Note: Mah…enjoy…
Disclaimer: I don't own FF8 and I don't....wait....that's it....
Chapter 3: Just How It Is
You know when you start saying something that feels perfect, so right, exactly how you feel? And you haven't even contemplated it before you say it? That's what it felt like being on the phone to Squall. It's always so strange but it always fits too, and you find it strange because you know it's like your subconscious talking and not who everybody else knows, not who I know I am, not who is writing now.
I told Squall I was sorry, several times over. He was so quiet, even more quiet than I've ever remembered him to be. Yes, it was terrifying but what could I do now? I'd said it, and I knew whatever I did I would follow through what Esthar had requested of me. So there was no point in even trying to make him feel better for a little while and tell him I wasn't going and just leave a note when I did go...I couldn't do that.
I love to write letters though, and I often do to Squall, lame? Maybe, my friends all say it's silly when I'm sat there in my bed room just writing letter after letter of endless rambling that I know he really won't want to hear. But...I realised last night...when I got all that time to myself...that if I was to go in two months, then we can't waste that time. Not only that but...there were so many things I wanted to say to Squall before I did leave. So many things I never think he'd realise by just watching me...by just kissing me...by just touching me...by even talking to me generally...I'd have to push forward and find someway...
I want to record this train of thought in my diary because I know I'll forget half the things I need to tell him, just leaving a sick whole that needs to disappear. Do you ever get that feeling? When you need to tell that someone something so important to you, but maybe not to someone else...but it leaves a sickness in your stomach because you can't remember what it is when you get the opportunity, the reason you forget was you took for granted you'd remember? And with a memory like mine, it's lost for all time and that sickness never really dies...
I want him to know that...I think he's simply beautiful. People say horrible stuff about Squall being withdrawn and I honestly never expected to fall so deeply in love with a person like him, but now I couldn't imagine it being any one else. And like that old saying goes 'You can't choose who you love' right?
I'm sorry...my diary is kind of like my story teller in a sense, I write in it like my life is a story. It's not even really about me, it's about me and Squall. I didn't even realise it until I read through my old diary. This is my new book and I think I should do some more explaining before I go on to tell you my confessions about how I feel about Squall...
After Ultimecia was defeated, everything changed, in a big way! It was like...everyone knew we were gonna live to see another day, well duh! There was no pressure to suddenly spill everything when we got the emotion, their was never a great need to tell each other. Or maybe it was just me, maybe because I was the only one scared out of the group, my friends. Maybe I was the only one that felt like I should tell Squall everything I felt or how I felt when I got the first opportunity, or help make the opportunity. Or for any of my friends. But now, and when the witch was gone...everything...the speed of time...it all seemed close to have almost stopped. We were so used to such a pace, so much action and adreniline and suddenly everything slowed, everything was ok...we could relax...and we all loved it, strangely...
Being teenagers we all had fun and bonded even further and began to do normal teenage things. Sometimes getting caught, I'm talking about boozing and...well some of the girls did other stuff that was hiliarious but I won't comment. Me and Squall were just having relaxed fun, I think we were the ones who really realised their still was a clock. So many warm memories of us all chilling out on a huge open grassy field over looking some beautiful view. So many images of Squall laughing and smiling brightly from amusement he felt towards something that our friends had done. I remember laughing a few too many times, and definately one too many snorts. But it always made everyone else laugh all the more.
I think we just started to appriciate life in general, because we were having so much young fun if you like. And compared to Ultimecia we had nothing to worry about, it's still the same now. Every weekend we go out to somewhere, usually the same field looking out behind the forest of Balamb. We did all go through a bit of a drinking phase, well not Squall. But that kind of came to a stop when their was that incident when I maybe drank a bit too much and ended up being banded from leaving the premises of garden for a long time...yeah....not such a good memory.
Now we all just sit and chill, joke and...me and Squall...just do everything two young teenage girlfriend and boyfriend would. Cuddle, kiss, laugh, talk...love...
There have been things developing between me and him, blossoming, it's hard to imagine about a year ago I thought things were really changing when now and then have no comparison. It's amazing what's been happening over the past couple of months, really unbelievable when I think back to it. I don't mind what's happened but to me it just seems so quick paced suddenly. I'm the loose end in the relationship...so I feel all the time any way. Surprisingly I'm always the last one to say the things I really wanna say, do you know what I mean? Like, I swear I'm his and only his forever. He always says it before me and I always feel like he's so much more...I don't know, admired for his emotion then me. It's not jealousy I feel from it, it's bitterness that my head couldn't bring the words together for me to form sentences and speak them, that I don't act on impulse and tell him when the feeling burns in me. I use the word burn because that's just the way I feel when something develops or highlights in my emotion, or is even created or just renewed...It's just warm and so safe...most of the time any way...
Well....erm....maybe you don't want to know whoever reads this but...me and Squall had some....erm...sexual problems I suppose, in the beginning. I was frigid basically...everytime he touched me it was so bizarre. I couldn't breath, everytime I panicked. There was some part of me that felt so at ease in his arms but then there was a part of me that felt so alive and afraid, being alive I wish to never lose but I was wishing so hard that the fear would subside. And...when we kissed properly the first time I only managed. But revisiting some skeletons in my closet only renewed the fear and I couldn't go near him much, especially when he tried to kiss me. Everything was just so alert, and I felt so nervous. I was messed about when I was a little younger that's all...
I portray such a care free person don't I? And everybody loves me for my happy nature? But there's something a lot darker, a lot deeper to me. Squall is just so inevitable with his personalty that it's so obvious that he has a similiar demon. But me...no...no one knows. No one can see under my bright smile. I know, I hate it. I've been trying hard to break away from it because it's killing me inside. There's just one voice, it's venermous...and it's constantly whispering things to me that only parylise me to where I stand. Whispers that signify every way he could hurt me, every way any one could hurt me...every way that could be relived...
I try so hard to ignore it, and my outer shell does so fantastically, and I have managed to put my own mind to rest, I trust Squall. I do. The whispers cut through to my subconscious and than there's not a damn thing I can do when my subconscious becomes terrified. So everytime he touched me, my subconscious alerted everything, warned every muscle in my body, every cell in my blood. To act against everything that any one could pyschically push on me, and so I'd push him away...
There was no way I could relax my subconscious and I had even a less of a chance trying to silence the voice in my head that was causing the problems in the first place, not only was it causing problems for me and Squall...but 'It' had been darkening me inside for years now...too deep and hurtful to go into. So I had to revisit the problem that had been decided by 'It' that would creep and crawl all over everything I ever wanted my life to be, complete. 'It' was ripping me apart (still, is, for different reasons), dragging me away and I needed to rip myself from 'It'. I wanted to express 'It' to Squall, I thought he could help me. But 'It' wouldn't let me...and I was powerless against it. I needed to go back and deep deep down...
When I was younger, maybe 13. An older guy decided he liked me, he was about 16, 17. And I thought it would be really cool to tell all my friends that I was dating someone that was that old. I knew everyone would be impressed and I was surprised when he first told me that he liked me. I was totally awe struck, thinking how lucky I was. How wrong I was...
I went to my room, yes my father was away and I thought it would be clever to trick the guards into thinking he was a helper from school. It was his idea to come over in the first place but somehow I'd got it into my head that I'd come up with it, or was it him? Maybe...
When we entered my room I remember feeling nervous and so I just went for my jewerelly box to collect my mothers necklace that had been passed on to me, something I thought would keep me from worrying and listening to the oh so small demon in my head back then. The next thing I remember he was right behind me and I was too young to really notice that what he was doing was wrong, so giggled a bit, dispite the discomfort I was feeling. I turned around and avoided his gaze then felt him kinda walk in to me to push me in the direction of the bed...I was scared but I still thought he was only doing this because he liked me.
The next thing I knew i was laid on the bed and he was making his way on top of me and I didn't know what I was doing. I had no intention of kissing this guy or even...touching him, heck, I didn't even really liked him. I think that's why I always tried to deny the urge to hate him. I thought I deserved it for my own inner intention, I really did believe it was my own fault, I still do...but for other reasons though...
So yeah, he was on me and I was in the worse discomfort. I wanted to get out of here, and I wanted to get out fast. Not only was he heavy but his hips were right against mine and I'd heard little things from my friends and the continuous sex education you get at school only made me feel more awkward at the position. I could only look at his eyes, and his smirk for very short moments. Yes. I remember his smirk very well...something so evil and yet so playful and I don't even know whether he wanted to hurt me, whether he realised how bad it did hurt, pyshically and mentally.
And I spoke out...I can't believe it now but I did...
"This kinda hurts..." I moaned to him as he tried to come closer to my lips with his own, my eyes turning in the other direction.
"Oh." Sudden innocence in his stare. Although I think that was about the only time I saw it...
He shifted from me and I fled the room quickly, as soon as I got to the corridor I ran to the bathroom and don't ask why but washed my hands. I watched myself in the mirror for a bit still thinking about how cool the girls were gonna think this was. I hate the way I used to think, I'm glad I feel like I've escaped it. I would never think that way about anything me and Squall ever do or did. I think I may tell my best friends like Kara and Selphie and Quistas...maybe Xu. But...I couldn't do anything like that for the pure reason so I could 'kiss and tell'. I hate myself when I look back on the years before I met Squall, man I still do...god I make myself so pyschically sick sometimes...
I went back, I think I heard someone walk downstairs assuming that was him I walked back into my room thinking it was safe to enter again so I could get some privacy. I was wrong, he was stood by the door. I guess he was waiting for me...
I looked at him nervously and gave a weak smile. I turned to face him and suddenly he was holding me, this was too odd. I couldn't stand it, I felt so wrong. And suddenly he was making his way to the bed again, with me, stepping backwards. Face in his chest, gasping slightly in panic. Lying me down again he came on top of me just a little more gentle then the last time. I looked at him again than laughed nervously...than it really started. He kissed me, just on the lips...until I felt his tongue on them. And I felt like vommiting right at that moment...
I didn't know how to react, heck my hormones weren't even in my system yet. He parted my lips with his tongue and all I could do was lay there, my eyes open watching his closed. It was so scary. I remember my heart racing, and I remember his breath on my face when he pulled away for moments to take in and out air. His hand was on my arm, stroking it. After a few minutes he was moving, oddly...but in a rythm, and it was all over me. And I felt sicker by the minute that their was a slight moan behind his kisses. Now I understand what he was doing and how he was feeling...the sick bastard...
Finally reaching total discomfort and insecurity I moved away, my head turned. His eyes flickered with shock and he focused on me, his arm in the way of my rolling route out of here. So I shifted noticing that we were awfully close to the end of the bed. I thought if I could just move a bit than I could just run but it didn't work that way. He let his arm move slightly and I moved slowly towards the end, watching him. He was moving with me...and he was still hot and heavy against me. I couldn't stop watching him and his eyes, something I couldn't label, something I can only describe as sick desire in his eyes.
Suddenly I fell down, hitting my head on the floor, spluttering with shock when suddenly I felt the warmth of his heavy body against mine again. I didn't know where we stood any more, I just wanted him as a friend. I didn't even realise what having a real boyfriend was about. So then he laughed, and so did I. But then his lips were close again and I couldn't do it. I turned my head away. And that created a flicker of anger, and I could feel it in his stare even if I wasn't looking.
Soon we were on our feet again and I headed for the door when he grabbed my arm, it was so forceful and I really thought he was just going to let me go now. He could escort himself out. But obviously not because the next thing I felt was the stone wall hard against my back. I shivered and cried a little but he came up close and pushed himself against me again. Only this time I didn't mistake the look in his eyes, hunger. Looking everywhere but at him, he kissed me and he was moving 'that' way again.
Pushing him a bit to get off me resulting in a sharp hit to my face and some of my neck. I was shocked but suddenly he was gone, storming out the room. I was left to feel guilty and so mixed up inside. Had I done something wrong? At that moment I didn't know. Later on that day I went to the park. It was small and hidden away by lots of trees but a lot of my friends all hung out here. It was by my fathers mansion. I sat on the round about, it was my favourite at the time. I'd just sat in my room for the longest time after he left, even at 13 I realised that this room was suffacating me and I needed to escape, just for a little while. So I went to the park and swung on the swings, luckily my friends were there. But suddenly I recognised a tall older teenage boy striding towards me from a distance. I had two of my friends with me at the time so I didn't feel so insecure. I should of.
He looked angry, very angry. And he was still storming my way and all I could do was sit glued to my seat. He stopped before the round about and hit me again around my face, I'd been gripping tight to the bars for some reason. The tension in my muscles had automated the reaction I guess. But the hit knocked me off balance and I let go, the next thing I knew I was spinning, only I hit the bar and fell off painfully in a heap next to the spinning round about. I remember watching his foot steps and hearing my friend's panicking behind me (well at least one of them) but asking whether I was ok...and I didn't know whether I was. He must of swung the round about around when I'd let go. Holding my arm and face, and my hip, which I think I hurt. I walked home...and that was the last time I ever saw him.
Ever since that day I'd been shaky with guys who looked at me with those same eyes but sometimes I was powerless to do anything when they did touch me, I tried to move on and trapped the memory in a dark corner of my mind. But my demon still whispered the memory to my subconscious, and when several of my later boyfriends all became hot and heavy the same way he did I froze in fear. There was even one time when I'd said I didn't wanna undress and he still pulled everything off me, I remember feeling so embarrassed and scared. He ignored every word I said and just kissed me so strongly, it was the same scenerio, except he didn't hit me and he was a better actor then my worse encounter. All he did was butter me up with all these comments about me being beautiful and so perfect and that we were gonna have a family and everything. I got lost somewhere behind his words, I thought maybe this was the way it was suppose to be. Maybe boyfriends just do that, maybe they just force their girlfriends to do that kind of thing. I thought maybe I was the one wrong...
I know that what happened in my fathers mansion and in the park was wrong, but only because I knew it was a mild case of abuse and I feel so pathetic to tell anyone about this. There's woman out there that have been totally...and I...don't feel right 'complaining' about something that can't even be put near in comparison to some things that other women have been through. But I think if I just get it all out then maybe the memory will lay to rest and never affect me again. Yet...there's still some part of me that believes I deserved it, there's still some part of me that thinks I did something wrong, or maybe he could see that I would turn into a horrid person. Maybe it was 'It' that was telling me this, maybe 'It' is the reason I still feel the same...
So when Squall began to get 'hot and heavy' on me...I thought it was all dead, I didn't even think about it at all when I met Squall. Everything that has ever happened me to make me cry or bitter all disappears when he just holds me. But as soon as his lips pressed against mine, and I could feel his 'loving' hunger, my subconscious refused my own mind, refused my body to allow it. And I couldn't do a damn thing, I even dreamed about doing 'things' with Squall and I certainly imagined it some times so when I couldn't touch or kiss him I hated myself, I didn't know why. Then when I embraced the memory...I started to relax.
Everyone in the school always asks whether I'm still virgin and when I say I am they gasp and say things like 'I knew Squall was frigid'. And I feel terrible because it was never his fault, why should they get the right to slag him off for something that wasn't even his fault. I had to tell them that I wasn't ready and they'd say 'You don't have to cover for him'. I was screaming in my head, and 'It' was laughing with such satisfaction.
Now it's not so bad, I get a bit shaky now and again but I feel so good when he kisses me. I can even get 'hot and heavy' on him because I want to, and I feel so comfortable now when he does. I love and trust him so much. Were just having teenage fun I suppose...but when I think about it and recall memories it feels like so much more than just 'teenage fun', it feels so much more deeper. Sometimes I want to kiss him so passionately but I feel so silly, I wanna coress his skin so softly...I want him to feel special by my touch. I want to make him feel just the way I do, and believe me it's such a new feeling.
Seifer did touch me but I could never get to grips with it. We never spent enough time together any way, so he always used to ignore the fact that we didn't do 'stuff'. Also that summer none of his mates or lackeys were around so he never showed off, just tried to be himself and had a laugh with me. Which was nice, I won't deny it but I wanted to say that Seifer never pressured me.
...I suppose you think I'm being slightly ignorant to the fact that I'm leaving right? I'm telling you my past so easily, as if nothing's bothering me. Well believe me...leaving, just the idea, is horrible to imagine. But..I'm trying to look at it as if there is nothing else I can do, this is my responsibility. Isn't it? I can destroy the world at the drop of, I dunno, coin...sounds lame, ANY WAY!!! Then I can save it in the same time, and this is that opportunity to see that duty through. And I know Squall can't see that, I know some part of him is bitter at me for accepting it. Maybe even a little hatred, it's understandable...right?...
You see, I'm flaking now aren't I? That sweet girl exterior is disappearing again, and I wish I could be her all the time. Even if everyone thinks she's foolish she's better that the scared whimpering girl that's appearing now. I don't want to go, I don't want to go...
Maybe I should write about something else, take my mind off it. That's ignoring the problem isn't it? Is there a problem, you've decided you're going! Man I'm kinda talking to myself, I feel messed up. Well I really don't have the right to start telling myself I'm messed up. It's my own stupid fault. Just figure out what feels wrong and shut up Rinny!
Ermm....ok...yes...I'm leaving. I don't wanna think about this, oh god, I have to tell everyone as well. I can't face everyone else. This is horrible, are they gonna cry? Or will they even care? Or will they just be content? I don't have a clue. I do...but 'It' won't let me answer what I know will happen. 'It' makes me feel so wrong to care, 'It' only came when I started out to be adventurous. 'It' has always been with me and it's gotten so much stronger ever since I recieved the Sorceress powers. Does Edea know about this, can she sense my distress? Cuz I need to talk to her...I need some help...now...
I can't leave, it'll change everything and I can't pretend that it won't, oh god, what am I suppose to do at this moment? It's never easy, why can't you just give me something to help? I can't ask it of Squall...he's all torn up. Can't you see I am!?
I can't be angry...it's my own fault...
They can't take me, I'll miss so much. What if someone gets pregnant or married? Or something bad happens? Or Squall meets someone? Should I offer to walk away? My god! What's going on!? Why is everything so chaotic, please someone put me back to the person I was before everything went so off the scale. What did happen? Why can't I think straight any more? Especially now when...life is suddenly being thrown at something so paced. God I feel so confused...
I don't deserve to feel confused...it's my own fault...
Am I really telling myself that!?
This is crazy...yet again nothings concluded. What happened to the Rinoa that everyone loved, the carefree girl who was so up beat? Why is it so difficult to go back to her, the person I used to fit so naturally? The person even though ridiculed was so confident and out going...
Just what exactly am I suppose to think? Do I need to talk to someone about this? Do I deserve it? I'm stronger than asking for help...
I would never used to say that, what's...what's happening to me...?
Author's Note: Kinda a tiny bit darker hey? Thought I'd add a bit more depth to her character but I know it seems a little scary. If you don't like it than tell me but if you do then thanks so much and....tell me, lol. E.g. REVIEW!!! PLEASE!!!! Thanks so much for all the people who are patiently waiting for these chapters, I know I take forever. Sorry! Thanks for reading again!!! Thanks for all those people who have supported me so far, you've really encouraged me to continue writing. THANKS!!!! HOPE YA LIKE THIS INSTALLMENT!!!! (psst, I promise it will get a bit more motion orientated more than just POV's and writing about how the characters feel. If you think the story and plot and my own past to the characters is a little misty tell me and I'll try to clear it up, thanks!!!) (psst, oh yeah and sorry this chapter's not quite as long as the others....)