Disclaimer: Man, I really wanna do a cool and funny disclaimer but it takes so much effort…so just do us BOTH a favour and don't sue me. Cuz I don't CLAIM to owe any of the bloody characters so there Sticks her tongue out. But please don't sue me…Cowers
Author's Note: I just noticed on most fan fics there's like little keys at the beginning of fics saying what the italics and unlined language and stars mean and stuff and I feel bad for not doing it so from this moment on I'm going to give warnings and little 'keys' so you are aware…if anyone is reading this of course. And if you are, my god I praise you…haven't got any reviews in a while…not a good sign…Sniff sniff.
Italics: Rinoa's thoughts.
Underlined Italics: Some other deep voice of Rinoa's that doesn't really have a real name, just call it an inner demon.
'Apostrophes' (Is that how you spell it?): Other characters thoughts, specifies the thinker right after the thought.
Stars: Rinoa's thoughts on a memory from when she is undergoing treatment.
Chapter 5: Held In Memory
Squall and Rinoa had soon made their way away from Balamb garden and now were on their way somewhere…secluded. Rinoa wasn't actually allowed away from Garden for more than a couple of hours but both had agreed that they'd need to get away. Somewhere they could sit and relax without the worry of familiar faces of garden society. They did know a spot not to far away from Balamb just on the shore closest to the forest, but decided against it knowing that it wasn't the best place to go as it was the first place their friends would think to go in search. Plus Rinoa always thought Squall didn't quite like that spot too much, it was called Green Shore. Named by Zell as he'd ran into the waters in a strong march, then fell forward as strong waves hit against his knees rendering him weak.
Green Shore meant quite a lot to all of them, it was somewhere they all decided to visit on their weekend when Cid released the teens for a spot of 'Hero's of the World Reward'. Yes, that was what he had called it. And they weren't going to muck about and make fools of themselves on Garden grounds so they'd travelled the island one weekend. Rinoa had never played so many games of truth or dare in her lifetime. A fond memory of Kara almost choking on a bottle top while trying to be seductive towards one of Zell's friends that had come with them one time.
But Squall had suggested a quiet spot they knew in Balamb, a spot that over looked the whole of the small peaceful town. A place Squall had introduced to her not so long ago in fact. One particularly cold day they'd ventured here…something about the memory still extremely familiar to date for Rinoa…
(Flashback)
Zell shivered violently as he huddled up on a tall wall, his skin paling and his hot breath creating the mist that warmed part of his nose. Whose idea was this any way? Man he hated Balamb's winters, they were always so damn cold. But nooooo…let's go to Balamb guys! We can have some fun there! Yeah right, in the freezing cold when we have no money!
Squall screamed in his head for his body to stay still! He smirked lightly to himself as his hands tugged deeper into his armpits as he sat upon the high wall, looking over the snowy dark town. Why was he here any way? The girls had gone home. Why were he and Zell still sat around with a bored Rinoa. Oh yeah, because he wanted to spend time with her. In the bloody cold.
Squall smiled shyly as Rinoa walked around in a circle on her tippy toes, watching each foot with equal childish wonder. Hands tied in each other, resting at the bottom of her spine as her head continued to face downwards towards her steps. Her foggy breath blowing back in her face as she pressed through it…
"Wow, it's colder than we thought it was gonna be." Rinoa murmured as she raised her head to look up over the grey and dampened town below her.
The hustle, however hard to imagine in such a small town, of rush hour creating shouts and feet tempering through the streets. There was something about this cold air and frosty beauty that caught Rinoa's emotion; it felt familiar however odd that would fit into her characteristics. However much it made the goose bumps rise across her entire set of skin, and however much it made her muscles shudder, nose run and hair split (she'd read it in a magazine somewhere). It could only make her bubblier.
Suddenly she remembered something as she caught Squall rubbing his hands together, close to his mouth so he could blow his heat onto them at the same time. Squall had some weird disease thing that cut off his blood from his hands and feet when it was cold, she had ATTEMPTED to find somewhere with moderate heat earlier. Until she'd decided they should just sit somewhere and huddle together. It would have been a better idea to just go home with the girls.
She smiled blonde-ly (A/N: Sorry blondes) at Squall as she turned round to him, narrowing her eyes a little more. Creating that same look she'd used the first time she'd seen him across the dance hall. Yes, she remembered that moment very well. But maybe this wasn't the appropriate moment to be held in memory, especially not that memory that she would have to come back to and think very deeply about it…or just feel very deeply to understand…it…
"I'm sorry, I totally forgot. Ok, let's think." Rinoa paused for a moment than tried to think deeply, her attention ran out of concentration very quickly.
"Rinoa, don't push yourself or anything, we do realise it may hurt for you to think once and a while." Squall chuckled slyly.
CHEEKY! Wait; did he just say something…jokey…? Still be angry with him!
"You jerk!" She practically screamed.
Coming close to him in an instant, Rinoa pulled up her hands with her fingers separated almost resembling a cat's claw when about to pounce. Rinoa managed to cease her nails speed barely a centre metre away from Squall's face. He continued to smirk and flexed back a little in defence of Rinoa's mock attack. Almost immediately after the danger Squall went back to shivering and crouching forward almost huddling into a ball if it weren't for the fact his legs weren't brought up to his chest.
Zell decided to stand and walk to an opposite wall and watch from that angle, interested also in the fact that he wasn't the one to make the sarcastic quirk. He found himself a place almost perfectly opposite the two teens almost embracing and watched Rinoa's back, feeling a little awkward with the situation. Why, oh why had he decided to stay with the two snugly annoying in love teens? Oh yeah, because he didn't catch on when everyone else left them alone to 'do their thing'. Sighing to himself, he tightened himself up in attempt to keep in the heat and gripped his jacket he had thankfully taken with him.
Rinoa, being the pushy girl she was, began to push her way in-between Squall's already slightly opened legs than embraced the boy. The young sorceress wrapped her arms around his neck, almost sensing some discomfort in the situation as Squall stiffened ever so slightly. As a result to his reaction she also stiffened out of guilt mostly, than pulled back her hips from his thighs and smiled shyly, letting her hands slip down to his knees. Was it discomfort or just unfamiliarity? She really wasn't sure but she didn't want to upset Squall, or make him feel like he wasn't in a position to disagree with her motion. She didn't want to be the cause of whatever emotion had set up the defensive tensing any how…but maybe she should just push him? Rinoa however quickly flung the idea out of her head…
When she looked back up to his eyes, there was nothing, no message, no fear and definitely…no hunger, or need or request. She should just forget it.
"Can I see your hands please?" Rinoa asked sweetly, one delicate pale hand reaching out to his hands that were cupped together in front of his mouth.
He had no resistance to her hand as it gripped gently onto his fingers and pulled his right hand down. Her eyes following the black gloved hand that was latched on by her own, with her other hand she slowly slipped off the leather hand encasement. Rinoa took in a sharp breath, that quirked her mouth in a worried fashion as she saw the paper white skin on the Squall's fingers and spreading to his palm and backhand. Wow, the circulation had been cut off from more of the area than she'd first assumed it would…
"We have to get you somewhere warm, now." Rinoa almost panicked, trying to keep the girly nature flowing, failing.
Squall laughed lightly than replaced the glove onto his hand, then brought it back with his other hand and continued to breathe on them. Shaking his head lightly as he watched his girlfriend silently plead for him to not disagree with her, just this one time…
"Nah…" Squall mumbled behind his hands.
Suddenly his legs were tight against her side before she could protest and step back. Spluttering with shock more than anything she giggled and pulled forward embracing the young knight once again…
"But your hands will, like, fall off or something and that would just be bad!" Rinoa cried into his ear a little too loud for Squall's comfort.
Flinching Squall smiled lightly than continued on with the open debate on his hands and feet's future…
"Their not gonna fall off or anything Rinny." He joked, again.
Liking this new sarcastic side to Squall that had been growing ever more common recently, she giggled lightly in his ear and embraced him tighter.
"Yeah, they will and when they do I'LL be the one to feel GUILTY because I never got you to somewhere warm." Rinoa pulled back and looked him in the eye.
Really, he was tired of moving. Tired of not having just a few more moments that last with Rinoa in his arms, or just this close. Just breathing on him. Away from everything. Away from everyone…except for Zell who awkwardly turned his head to look in the other direction as a result of the two teens teasing argument.
He never knew it but Rinoa would be the one to hold his hand and try to find a place just as quick so they could sit, talk, hold hands and have the ability and the moment to feel it, to warm it. To have the time to just even…sit on each other sometimes. Just stay still together, just concentrate…on one another…
"They just turn white, nothing else." He smiled sweetly, raising his eye brows.
How was this possible for Squall to do this now? How had the past year or so changed the person he was, how had he changed so much…? Rinoa had to question. This wasn't the man she'd first met. She remembered that much.
"But what if-" Rinoa was cut off abruptly.
"Shush…" He calmed.
Some kind of over whelming emotion spilled through her and made her fall onto him again, wrapping her pale thin arms around him. She smiled greatly and breathed out as calmly as she could to obtain a patient beauty, but ended up giggling again quietly against his neck.
He shivered strongly against her chest; the guilt choked her once again. Cringing she scanned through the lists in her mind of café's, entertainment grounds, lounge rooms they could visit. Zell's "Ma" was out of town at the current moment and hadn't decided to trust Zell with the key. After all it was just a two day break, what would be the point? Any café they had attempted to sit down in had asked them whether they had ordered anything, then at that point they would have to admit no, and be throw out. Entertainment grounds needed the same thing, money, and they didn't have any at this current moment. She cursed herself for spending all her money on one night with her friends, pizza, and vodka …also a lot of chocolate. And although Squall had an endless supply of money, he'd left his card and change back in garden.
There has to be SOMEWHERE! I don't think I'm too warm so holding him tight to myself and breathing on him wouldn't do much…plus it would be totally embarrassing. Suppose I have to…try…
Rinoa froze rigid as she turned her face to a position she could see his eyes, then took hold of his hands covered by hers and brought them up to her mouth…than stopped. Was she supposed to breathe on them now? Why did she feel so embarrassed suddenly?
In this moment, I remember the emotion well, partly because it was so intense…and partly because I still live with moments paralysed by the same foolish shyness. Or is it shyness? Or was I just being silly? Was it something about Squall that did it to me? I don't know if I hold back with any body else…so why did I hold back with him? Am I afraid? Is my subconscious still terrified? While me, the person talking, is bemused but still thrilled and happily surprised...sometimes…
This memory, I remember believing these moments as warnings…some kind of sign that whatever god didn't want me to make a big mistake…than I think somewhere down the line I realised that it was just I was absolutely petrified. Of what? Still to this day, I'm not quite sure. Hurt? I've questioned this many times now, but I don't believe it to be so. I care to little for myself now and then to really have been scared of being left beaten and naked. Although that was also a trait I thought only Squall had in this relationship.
Withdrawal.
There might have been a flash of something Rinoa found impossible to decipher in Squall's eyes, was it a wanting for her to give him this intimate gesture.
Am I afraid of intimacy?
Or did I just not want it?
Do you want me to…?
Did I need him to state his need with his own truthful words?
Rinoa watched him for a very long time, if there had been anything, ANY kind of sign that Squall would have given her there and then, she'd have blown for him. (A/N: Man I'm making this SOUND like something else). But there was nothing, and part of her needed to make sure he wanted her to do it, even if it was still the silent plead through this gaze, yet it wasn't there. She had seen the question though, and that was enough to drive her, seen as Squall wasn't too qualified in social skills, maybe he didn't even realise that she was asking him…
Laughing nervously she began. "Sorry, I was gonna try to breath on your hands so I'd warm them but I'd probably freak you out right?" She finished her sentence the same way she started.
Squall smiled looking smugly confused, some intense interest flickered in his expression but it was gone an instant later.
"You can if you want to." Squall replied just as unconfidently.
Rinoa smiled, it wasn't the reply she wanted but she'd known subconsciously it was the only reply she'd received. What exactly did those words mean any way? She was angry, this was just as bad as him turning his back on her and walking away for a moment alone, leaving her to make the decision with still a million concerns or so what felt like.
She pulled his hands closer to her mouth but didn't blow, just breathed. There was nothing, she felt stupid and at the same time tied. Something had ripped around her spine and gripped tight, fixing her to her current position. She couldn't move even if Squall had requested she were to blow onto his hands…
"I'm sorry." She muttered.
Rinoa pulled back immediately, still holding his hands in hers, but dropping the strength she had withheld to keep them high in line with her lips, eyes shining. Avoiding his gaze didn't arouse any suspicion of her up set, she'd done this too many times and had gotten too good at it for him to notice and if he had noticed he gave no clue as to the knowledge. Maybe he didn't know what to say, how to reach, how to express the concern, if there were any.
(Present)
Rinoa still questioned what exactly was holding her back from doing the things she wanted, part of the reason was because she didn't believe in Squall's need for the things she thought maybe he'd appreciate. There was nothing she made without feeling some disappointment, few things she expressed that left her feeling whole. All because Squall didn't respond. She didn't blame him, wasn't angry with him, just frustrated. Why couldn't he just follow through, why couldn't he just express it? Tell her what she was saying meant nothing, was stupid, anything! She didn't expect anything now, but that didn't leave her feeling content either.
Following Squall not too far behind as he climbed the steps up to the view she had just been reminiscing. They were large and Rinoa had to stretch her thighs awkwardly to try to keep up with his pace. The textures of the stones beneath her feet were gritty and dark grey, worn and dirty from age of living. The walls on either side of few differences but climbing high over her head, surrounded by wild greenery on its top surface.
They were on the first set of steps leading up to an area that was wide and surrounded by high apartment buildings. Balamb had changed very much in deed; few of the residents were now the Balamb people that were humble and peaceful. Industry had now taken what Deling City had progressed and nationalised any thing within its reach on earth. The development of which was quite amazing, especially considering its time period process of two years.
Now the two saw in view was the open view of a concrete garden with a splintered bench to one side and surrounding gravel walls. Both teens turned to the right to climb the next set of stairs which would lead to their final destination. These stairs however were much thinner and more difficult to gain a steady balance on, in fact, their length were about the size of Rinoa's foot forcing the girl on to her tippy toes and gripping the hand rail as she climbed awkwardly again, just behind Squall.
Her head tilted up for a moment to watch as the young knight stepped with his arms waving beside his hips, his expression blank. Envious of his grace she muttered something under her breath she'd never want him to actually HEAR and continued on up. Now she remembered why she hated this place so much.
Soon they reached the top which led on to the edge of a towering building, and a mildly littered spot hugged by walls, the walls that had been on either side of Rinoa a few moments before. The patio design had been dirtied with a few wrappers, moss in between the slabs and dead cigarette ends.
Rinoa and Squall usually sat on top of either the one planked bench that sat furthest away from the edge or on top of the wall that overlooked the first set of steps. Small bushes ran around and along the actual falling edge of the wall, in some attempt to protect anyone from falling off and…well dying. The view from that point could still see a tiny part of the street where the town was busying away at their night time lives, something Rinoa had always taken a look at from this height every time she visited, day or night.
The only thing was, the walls were still quite high, and Squall was quite a lot taller than Rinoa and had more strength in his arms to lift himself up onto the ledge. So naturally he approached the 'seat' then turned his back against the wall, placed his hands across the ledge and pushed up, comfortably seated not a moment later.
Rinoa pressed her lips together in puzzlement at her new dilemma, she could just see it now. First of all she wouldn't be able to press her back against it and try to push up with her hands behind her back, because her arms wouldn't stretch that far. And secondly, if she tried to mount it like she would do on a vault in a gymnasium she could end up going straight over it and dying, and if she survived, she'd than die from embarrassment.
What to do? Hmmm.
Whine.
"Squall I can't get up that." Rinoa looked up at him with her cutest face.
He looked at her funny for a moment than sympathised and smiled lightly, the tightest of the skin only made the tiredness under his eyes more visible. But Rinoa decided she wouldn't acknowledge it in this childish moment of hers and shoved her hands together behind her back and held them, while turning her hips and looking down her cheeks flushing a little.
"Want me to help you?" He questioned with some humour present in his voice.
"No!" She decided stubbornly and approached where she decided she would sit, close to Squall.
The wall must have been as high as her chest, and now she really didn't know what to do.
Oh god, just because I have stupid genes that wouldn't let me GROW just a little bit more!
She placed her hands on to the wall facing her than decided she would just push as hard as she could and try and swivel round somehow. Squall quickly gripped one of her wrists to attempt helping her.
And thus her first try began…resulting in falling back down and hurting her knees as she slid.
And thus her second try began…resulting in straining her arm muscles.
And thus her third try began…resulting in various curses.
And thus her fourth try began…resulting in Squall gripping onto her arms for dear life and pulling her up slowly.
Breathing out all the frustration she'd just gathered, Rinoa flicked back the now messy hair that hung in her face…
"Well, that wasn't too hard!" Rinoa exclaimed with some false pride.
Squall looked at her oddly again and smirked with an eye brow raised, questioning her as she smiled brightly…
"So then…" She looked down, feeling some nature approach to a subject they hadn't yet even bothered to avoid.
There was something screaming back into her for the next couple of moments, the carefree attitude to something quite serious. Something that she really should express how sad and bitter she was about it but she didn't, not now. She couldn't. It was happening and she had to accept it. And so did Squall. In such a small amount of time it was extremely hard to wrap your head around such a situation and truly, she hadn't, deep down, she hadn't embraced the fact. Or at least they just wouldn't sink in…
"How you feeling?" What a ridiculous question, and yet she always asked it.
She turned her head around to Squall and searched for every detail of his response, if he wouldn't tell her than she'd just have to try her best to figure it out herself however difficult.
Even though in reality the pause only lasted for a moment but Rinoa could see he was deciding to lie again. And in that long moment when unreadable questions and thoughts passed through Squall's mind Rinoa was able to catch on and ignore whatever he was about to tell her in reply to her 'casual' question.
"Fine." Was his response. "You?"
Her soul dampened further she had to continue to witness Squall's self destruction…
"…" She couldn't reply.
Kara sat in the back of the car watching all of the boring country side fly past in a blur, sighing she turned her attention to the driver for a couple of moments who was just as unexciting.
Rinoa's news hadn't affected her too much, sure it had upset her and she was dealing with it her own way, a way the two shared. Not dealing with it. Simple, both had an inability to have things sink in easy and this was no different, they couldn't deal with the problems if they hadn't hit home yet right?
Her heart was the only thing that was telling her to come back as soon as possible. For al the stupid arguments the two had had, all the girly times, all of the embarrassing moments. Rinoa was always a lot more clumsy then Kara but it had always worked out well, all the amusing moments had counted for a closer relationship.
It was strange how the group had just gelled together. All of them had become increasingly close very quickly, all had came to a point where they almost needed each other. Kara had become a part of that, however late she came on in. If anything she' become closer to Rinoa's friends that she had herself, partly because Rinoa spent all her free time with Squall.
She'd expected there to be a lot of questions in her head as to why Rinoa had to leave but she wasn't going to fight her, she knew how stubborn Rinoa could be and this wasn't something she sensed she should step in the way of. And Rinoa didn't even really sound bothered by it on the phone so why should she?
Kara shook her head slightly than looked down…that felt wrong…
"You know…I spent most of last night crying…" Rinoa watched her feet as she kicked them in separate times.
The young sorceress' hands locked and pressed under the weight of her thighs, her hair falling into her face to hide any shining eyes she felt weakened her. Why was she telling him this?
Suddenly she heard him chuckle, he'd laughed at a lot of things she'd said today. He sometimes did this when she told him serious things that created angst. Was it a nervous laugh? Was he confused? Did he think she was saying it because she thought it was funny? Or was it funny because she was saying it as if it didn't matter, so maybe she gave him the right to laugh.
"Hey!" She squealed undignified
Finally she raised her head and looked into Squall's face who only briefly watched her eyes close than avoided her gaze.
Why won't you look at me?
Why did you…laugh?
"It's not funny!" Her heart hung low, she laughed nervously, almost tearing up again. What exactly was so funny? "Fine! I'll never tell you anything again!" She mocked lightly, still searching Squall for an answer.
He smirked than laughed again lightly…
"Nothing's funny, sorry." He replied.
Rinoa wasn't so sure, what exactly did that mean? He enjoyed hearing about her suffer? No, it was something she didn't understand obviously. And she was going to leave it at that. Suppose they were both still learning different traits, maybe she was just making him feel awkward and the only way to erase it was to-no! She didn't want to think about it any more.
Her gaze intensified as she questioned him than slumped and continued knowing he wouldn't recognise the expression she was feeling and thinking…
Both enjoyed a little more time together, a thousand feelings and questions stirring inside them, all unvoiced. Soon it was very late and Garden would be closing soon and then they'd be locked out, and that wouldn't be quite as funny as they might joke.
Rinoa kissed Squall sweetly on the lips and departed from him with bitterness as he took his paces away from her dormitory. Today hadn't clarified too much but at least they'd tried to clear the air a bit…
Rinoa showered and dressed into her pyjamas. A towel still wrapped around her hair tightly, a chocolate pudding in hand as she watched a soap opera in the kitchen. Angelo sat close by her heel eating its own very late dinner, apparently he'd been whining all night and the seeD's next door had complained about it.
She looked down to her friend and ruffled its messy fur on its head and smiled weakly. Crouching up on the chair and than continuing to scoff her desert Rinoa continued to watch the t.v. with mild concentration. The show would usually grip her and bring her to tears at every unlikely situation but today she was just watching it as a favour to Kara so she could fill in the gaps for her friend.
The end credits rolled across the screen and she sighed chopping the last of the chocolate, sucking the spoon within an inch of its life. The dark haired girl gripped the remote and switched the television off with one hit of a button. She disregarded the container in hand by throwing it in the bin not to far away across the room than put the spoon on the counter in front of her.
What a day…I suppose that now that everyone knows, anyone that matters I should just try and have fun…so why do I feel so exhausted?
Cuz you haven't slept enough lately and you won't stop bloody crying, not too mention you've travelled all over Garden today than went to Balamb with dearest, don't make out like the situation is making you feel exhausted. You know you can handle it so don't try to play weak girl. Or maybe you are, just a little weak girl…
Fucking Adel…
Fucking Ultimecia…
Go away!
I'm part of you; I just see you as you are. Don't try to avoid the facts. You are a pathetic being…
Rinoa frowned deeply, and stared down at the counter where the spoon lay soon to be distracted by Angelo's growls. Her eyes flickered shut for a moment until she acknowledged him and looked down to his protective stance. She smiled sweetly than looked confused, how could Angelo sense something like…?
"It's ok!" Rinoa laughed lightly and patted the dogs head.
Right…?
Rinoa picked herself up from the seat and began to walk towards her bedroom where she hit the keys on her computers keyboard gently. The screen that was once black flickered to life to display her desk top.
"I'll just check my mail and than we'll go to bed ok?" She smiled again, the hollowness present again as she spoke.
Her head turned to the dog whose eyes looked extremely sad and unconvinced. Angelo just laid down on the floor and whined for a couple of seconds. She watched her companion, her eye brows slowly knitting.
You're a smart dog ain't ya…?
She opened up a programme, typed a couple of things in different bars and waited for its response, slowly processing. The young sorceress tapped her fingers impatiently across the desk and leant back in her chair slightly; eyes flickered to the ceiling as she continued to wait. The colour of the screen changed and this caught Rinoa's attention, her eyes drawn back.
It opened up her email to reveal 1 new message. She looked towards the sender moments later her breath catching in her mouth…
"Squall…" She murmured.
Slowly but surely she clicked for it to be open, her heart beating suddenly so very strong and loudly. Some anxious and desperate cry unsteadied her breathing as the process quickened. Her eyes frowning in concentration as the page loaded up, cold sweats took to her body. The text finally appeared on screen.
Seconds later Rinoa felt her heart rip just that little bit more, the weight of it heavy in her chest. The veins throbbing, shaking her body ever so slightly. Her breath caught once again. Chocolate eyes shimmering with tears as she fell back in her seat, shaking her head and gripping it with her hands…
Are you happy now? You made him hurt. You made him cry…you wanted him to cry right? You wanted all of them to hurt.
Shut up, shut up!
Her eyes traced up to the screen again as she gulped loudly allowing the tears to spill down her pale cheeks…
'You know when you told me you cried last night because you were leaving and I laughed, well I shouldn't have because so did I. The rest of the night you told me I just felt numb until I laid down in bed and just cried so hard because I kept thinking that I was gonna lose you. I don't wanna break up when you leave. K? I'm sorry. I love you so much.'
Author's Note: There ya go. Another chapter completed. Another dose of release and another dose of heart strain. Thanks any one reading. Sorry I'm taking so long with the chapters as usual.