(A/n: In a review, JazzyChriminologist suggested that I switch to Elliot's thoughts. I'm going to usethat idea. This chapter's in Elliot's POV. It may not be great, because I'm a female teenager trying to write in the POV of a forty-something guy, but here goes . . .)
I watch the angel sitting across from me. There's something wrong. I can see it in her eyes. I know her so well that I can read her face, even when she's trying her damnedest to hide something from me. Like right now.
The dark eyes that I fell in love with the first time I looked at her are reflecting worry. But what the hell is she worried about? I must have told her a few thousand times already that if our little romance got out that I'd protect her reputation. I'd take the hit before I let her take it. It's only been a couple of weeks. But I've been in love with her for years.
Olivia sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose between her fingers for a few seconds. That's one of the things she does that says she's stressed out or she's got one hell of a headache. I don't even think she realizes that she does it.
"What's wrong?" I ask her, already feeling around in my desk drawer for that bottle of Tylenol.
She raises her head and gives me a tired, faked, smile. "I'm fine."
"Bull." I retort. "You and I both know you're the worst liar on the damned planet, so spit it out."
"There's nothing to spit out, El." She offers me another smile. "Trust me. I'm fine."
Her answer doesn't explain the worry in her eyes. Is there something wrong that she doesn't want to tell me here? I'd press it, normally, but she's just going to keep evading me. She's good at evading questions, when she doesn't want to answer them.
I know she's not pregnant. She told me that she was on the pill. So it's not that. I know it would only take once for me to be a dad again, but she's on the pill. So what the hell is it?
At the end of the day, we leave for her place. I'm still trying to figure out what's wrong with her, as I weave through traffic. She's still got that look of worry in her eyes.
Then it hits me. We just had our annual Department-mandated physicals. Could she be worrying about an abnormal test result or something like that? But I know her. She probably would have told me, if she was sick. She's stubborn, but she trusts me. And she'd feel obligated to tell me if something was wrong with her, so I'd know if something happened to her in the field.
In her apartment, she gets us each a beer and perches in a chair, looking worried and exhausted. She looks drained. She's been worrying about something all day.
"What's the matter, Liv? Huh? You wouldn't tell me in the squad. What's wrong? Did they find something when you went in for your physical?" I step over and rest one hand on her shoulder, to let her know I'm here for her.
"No. I'm fine." She pushes me away and puts her head in her hands. "I don't know, El."
"What?" I sit on the arm of the chair beside her.
"Things are just moving too fast. If it was just us, I'd be fine with it. But it's not just us. You've got kids. I don't want to intrude where I don't belong. They'll get the feeling that you're trying to replace Kathy with me. I don't want that."
I sigh, impatiently. "Liv, they adore you."
"Yeah. But I'm not their mother. And if we take things too fast, they'll think you're trying to replace her." She shakes her head. "It's moving too fast. It's never happened like this before. Normally, I'm lucky if I get past the first date."
I kiss her hair, softly. "Will you stop worrying about it? Please?"
Olivia blinks up at me. "If it keeps going this way, we're gonna screw up. It's not gonna work."
I swear, sometimes, she's as paranoid as Munch. "It's gonna work. Trust me. Liv, we've been denying it for hell knows how long. Things are gonna move fast."
Olivia pushes her hair out of her face. "But I"-
"What?"
She rubs her eyes. "I'm gonna kick myself for saying this, but I don't know how to trust you."
"Trust me?" I raise an eyebrow, confused. "You trust me every single time we go to pick up a guy. You trust me with your life when we go undercover.
She shakes her head. "I know. But that's at work. This is off the job. It's stupid, but I- I've been hurt more times than I can count."
I should have known this was coming. She's been hurt. There's a long list of guys that I'd like to have two minutes alone with. She's been walked on and treated like crap so many times that she doesn't want it happening again. She doesn't know how to trust me to not hurt her, like every other asshole that's ever been in her life.
"I mean, you get burned, you're not gonna go stick your hand back in a fire, right?" She blinks at me and shrugs. "I know it's pathetic, but I"-
"Hey." I stop her, mid-sentence. "You've been burned. I get that. I'm not gonna hurt you. So this is what you wouldn't tell me?" I look at her. "You coulda told me that."
"Right. You forget we work with a human bat when it comes to gossip? Munch woulda overheard and started asking questions. And the precincts in this city remind me of a girl's bathroom in a high school. Gossip gets around like crazy."
"I wouldn't know."
Olivia shakes her head. "You got three girls. You gotta know how gossip gets around with teenage girls."
"All I know is how impossible it is to get Kathleen off the phone." I shrug.
"That's what I mean." She grins at me. "If I'd asked you that at the squad, Munch would have heard it and it would have gotten around the squad in about five minutes."
I kiss her on the forehead. "Why are you scared about it getting out, Liv?"
She sighs. "I don't know. With you, it won't do anything to your reputation. They'd give you a high five, a slap on the back and buy you a drink. With me, I'm a no-good whore." Her words are bitter. "The double standard that's never gonna disappear."
(A/n: Me yacking again, but this is important. I don't know how much more I'm going to get done on this fic in the future. I'm not stopping, so nobody panic. I'm going to Montreal in the beginning of June, so I'm crazy busy right now. My updates might get a little bit sporadic till I get back. I'll finish it, though, I promise!)