(A/n: I really gotta learn to shut up, but there are spoilers from "Intoxicated" in this chapter.)
"Liv?" Elliot glances at me, as we sit in our usual table, at the corner diner where we usually get lunch.
"Yeah?" I look up.
"What would you think about telling the kids?"
"About us?" I rub my forehead. This must be how guys feel, when they're trying to date a single mom. The kids are always getting involved in every aspect of a relationship. It's not that I mind his kids. I just worry about springing this on them too soon.
"Yeah. We can't hide it forever."
I shake my head. "But if we spring it on 'em too soon, they'll think I broke up you and Kathy."
He sighs. "How do you know all this?"
"I dated another divorced dad, with two kids. He brought me home, once, to meet the kids - it didn't go well, let's put it that way."
"Well, it's not like you're a complete stranger to them." Elliot points out, quietly.
"Yeah. I don't know. Maybe we should wait a little longer. Until we figure out what the hell's going on ourselves?"
He looks at me. "You don't know what's going on?"
"Huh?"
"You know what's going on between us. Something we've been waiting to do for years."
"Um-hm." I finish off my plate and look at him. "We still got an hour."
"Hell, we could take the whole day, if we wanted to." He's grinning, broadly.
"Right. And piss off Cragen? I thought you, of all people, would know by now that that isn'ta smart thing to do. I don't wanna take an extended lunch break, but I wanna show you something."
"What?"
"You'll see. Gimme the keys."
"You wanna show me Central Park?" Elliot questions, unamused, when we pull up. "Liv, the whole world knows about this place."
"There's something in the park." I slam the driver's side door shut behind me and lock the car, waiting for him.
I lead him through the jogging paths and playgrounds until we come to a quiet spot in the park. There are a couple of benches, shaded by huge, mature trees. There's a fountain somewhere in the background. From here, you can hear the running water.
"It's a nice spot." He observes, waiting for me to get to the point. "Why'd you bring me here."
"C'mere." I lead him over to one of big trees, looking at the trunk. The carving's old, but it's still there. Cut into the tree's thick bark is a rounded heart, with two sets of initials.
"So there were a couple of kids out here carving up a tree. I don't get it."
I give him a smile and point to the initials. "O.B. That's me."
"You?"
"Yeah. Me."
"So who's T.W.?"
"Tommy Wilcox." I shake my head, one palm resting against the solid, old tree.
"Who was he?"
"My boyfriend. I was sixteen. He was twenty-one and in one of my mother's classes. I went to see her one day, after she was done lecturing and I bumped into him. You know the stereotype "tall, dark and handsome?" He fit it, perfectly."
"So you dated an older guy. I thought most girls did that."
I shake my head. "That's not all. He asked me to marry him. I jumped at it. I thought it was my only chance to get away from my mother. He was offering me a way out. She found out, because another professor saw us and told her. I told her we were getting married, she told me to stop seeing him, or she'd have him kicked out of school. I told her I was moving out. She"- I stop and bite my lip.
"Liv." Elliot looks me in the eye.
I run my fingers through my hair. "She was drinking, at the time. She got up, and dropped the bottle. It busted on the floor and made one hell of a mess. She picked up one of the pieces and came at me, screaming that if she couldn't have me, nobody else would."
"Teenage girls fight with their mothers. Believe me, I know."
"She was coming at me, with a piece of glass, El. That's not normal. I kicked her. Hard. She went into the wall, and I did it again. I swear, I felt like I could have killed her, right there. But I ran."
"So that's why you got so involved with Carrie." He shakes his head. "Why you called Bryce. Why you convinced Novak to plead her out."
"Who told you that?" I look at him, questioning.
"Casey did. We had a slam-dunk, then you convince her to plead it out. I wondered."
"When I looked at Carrie, I was looking at myself."
"No. You aren't a murderer."
"But when I looked at her, I was looking at me. We could have been the same girl, El. Twenty years ago, I i was /i her. I know what it's like to want to kill your mother, because she just seems to get in the way of everything. And it's not like she cares. All she cares about is where she's gonna get her next drink."
"So you dated an older guy and you and your mother had a fight over it." He shrugs. "You're still not a murderer."
"But I know what it feels like to want to be one." I reply, softly.
He takes my hand in his. "Stop it. Why are you still kicking yourself over that?"
"Because I don't think I did the right thing, convincing her to plead Carrie out. One minute, I think it's the right thing, because she just snapped. She lost it. I can understand how that happened. I've been there. But then, the next minute, I think I just destroyed the whole purpose of the system. She was guilty. I shouldn't have convinced Casey to plead her out just because I pitied her. Justice is supposed to be blind, remember? I'm supposed to be impartial."
"That makes you human. You know what Cragen says. Nothing's black-and-white around here. Half the time, you don't know how you feel. Sometimes, you don't know if you're doing the right thing. And you're not supposed to be impartial. A jury is. A judge is. They don't have to get involved in the cases as much as we do."
I know he's right. My partner might not have much of a formal education, but he's not a stupid man. I hate it when he proves me wrong. It's just the relationship we have. "You're right. C'mon - we gotta get back to work."
He leans in to kiss me on the cheek. "You hate it when I prove you wrong, don't you?"
"Shut up."
"Hey. You don't have to bite." He protests and I laugh, as we walk back to the car.
(A/n: I know this chapter is kind of dull, but I couldn't get this idea out of my head. The whole bar scene in "Intoxicated" kind of annoyed me, because it was Casey Olivia was talking to. I was going to write this as a fic by itself, but I wanted to throw this in as a filler chapter.)