u n r e q u i t e d

UNREQUITED (adjective) (of love) not returned or rewarded

You always know when you fall in love with the wrong person.

They may seem perfect-they'd have to be for you to fall in love with them.

Sometimes it's more accidental, like you spend a long time with them, and then suddenly the floor is pulled from 'neath your feet, and you're tumbling-all because they winked at you today. And you're in love.

Sometimes you set out to fall in love, and you do-but not with your date...with your best friend.

I was at the 3 Broomsticks that night. It was one of our double dates-me with Draco, Harry with Ginny. I can't place the time when we got so close, but we did. Ron was on another table somewhere with his newest squeeze, and had elected to be alone with her. This was for reasons we could guess.

"I mean, what do you do in situations like that!"

Harry was telling one of his stories about Snape's detention, and as usual we were in stitches. Somehow, if it was just me and Harry, I could see the pain in his eyes-we'd talk about deeper things together. But here I could see the laughter was forced-he didn't find this funny at all. I met his eyes-and he knew that I knew. He sighed.

"Sometimes it can be difficult to understand-but not with these two, they immediately know what the other is thinking."

The conversation has moved on, right now it's just Draco and Ginny joking and laughing about the twins. Harry and I are having a silent conversation through our eyes. He's telling me how he's worried about Ginny, because she seems to enjoy Draco's company more than his. But I'm telling him that he's being silly-Ginny thinks the world of him. I know different, but I tell him, to keep him sane, how much she cares. The fact that she cares that way about Draco is irrelevant.

"The way I see it, sparing the feelings just means you're banking up sorrow for them. You don't mean to, but you do. You usually do it because you care...because you care too much."

Draco is spouting something about love. I'm not listening, because the only person's opinion about love I value is Harry's. And he doesn't care either, because chances are that the only opinion he cares about is Ginny's...

"What do you think Hermione?" He's looking at me.

"About what?"

"About love." He chuckles. "Don't tell me you weren't listening."

"Hermione Granger not listening! Imagine that." Ginny and Draco laugh at my expense, but Harry still wants to know my opinion.

My eyes tell him that I'll tell him later.

And then, under the table, his hand touches mine. It's quite by accident, but it sends me into hyperspace, and I can't breathe, I can't speak, I can't do anything-because his skin is against mine. And I'm drowning in his eyes, lost in a green sea. Suddenly our hands are clasped, secretly, where no-one can see. And I feel so perfect, joined with him.

Then I'm hit with a tonne of bricks.

He lets go of my hand, blushing, and takes the hand of the girl next to me. He wanted Ginny, not me.

But it's too late now. I've already fallen.

It's like when you fall in love with the wrong person, you only realise what's so wrong about it far, far too late down the line. Suddenly they're too old, too young, too different, too alike. In my case, the problem was the fact that I wasn't good enough-he was so handsome (and yet didn't flaunt it), so famous (and yet down to earth), so caring (genuinely so) and then there was me...my looks, plain at best, my unnerving amount of intelligence, guys don't want girls brighter than them, my geekiness-because I am a geek.

And then occasionally you'll get some spring of hope. Maybe a smile, maybe a wink, maybe a hug. And then there's those times when you'll realise just why they're the wrong person. Maybe they refer to something they're into that you're not, maybe they refer to something you know too well, maybe they refer to something from years ago. Or, more likely, they smile and you know that smile is one of friendship, and it always will be. That wink is just his roguish way of making your smile. That hug was just a greeting.

And then there's the weird moments, that somehow give you hope, but also remind you there's no chance.

I was stood on a balcony, at a party. I was beautiful that night-I knew because everyone told me, but I wasn't sure because the one person I wanted to tell me that I was beautiful hadn't. My long blue gown was my best, and yet he still hadn't noticed. He'd just smiled and gone to ask that girl over there to dance.

Hence me being stood on the balcony, fighting back tears of rejection, looking up towards the heavens. I'm about to mumble about it not being fair, when I feel a hand across mine.

It's him.

We're both just staring at the sky, looking for a star. And I see one.

"Starlight, starbright, first star that I see tonight.

I wish, I wish with all my might.

Let my wish come true tonight."

He looks at me. "What's your wish?"

"If I tell you that, it won't come true."

"I could help it to come true." He leans towards me. "It depends what it is."

I lean against him-our foreheads touch. "I'm not sure if you can make it come true." But I know he can.

"I can try." He leans closer to me, my eyes close, and suddenly-

"Harry! You said you'd only be a minute!" That girl he danced with is obviously impatient.

He pulls away, then whispers breathily in my ear. "You look beautiful tonight."

"Thank you." I say softly as he walks away.

There are also those times when you wonder why on earth you care. Maybe they play a trick, maybe they break a promise, maybe you find them with another.

That last one is the worst.

I was still at the party. I was feeling lonely again, so I went to the balcony.

I found him kissing that girl he danced with. His eyes were closed-he seemed to be enjoying it. It was quite passionate.

I couldn't watch, but I was trapped there. I couldn't move.

His eyes opened, and he saw me. I turned away.

And then you know why you care. You care because when there's someone like that in your life, there is nothing else to be done. You can't help it. You know it'll always be unrequited, but that doesn't stop you hoping. There's nothing left, except hope.

"Hermione..."

The girl had left by now.

"I suppose you do that a lot, try to get snogged on balconies."

"You know that isn't me."

"You certainly seemed to be into it. I didn't see you complaining."

"I don't see why you're upset!"

"I've got a perfectly good reason to be upset!"

"Which is?"

"I love you! And I know you'll never love me. That's my good reason. You shouldn't play with my feelings like that, almost kissing me on a balcony-"

He cuts me off by kissing me. On a balcony.

I pull away. "Not if you don't mean it." And I run, never looking back, deaf to his cries of "Hermione!"

And I can never talk to him again. He sends me letters, and I can't read them. In case they confirm that he doesn't love me, that it was a mistake to kiss me-or even worse that he does love me. Because if he did love me, I'd have to deal with real love. I can only just handle unrequited. Now I've accepted that he'll never love me, I have to have a little hope. That's what gets me through. It used to be him that got me through, but now I don't even have that.

Only hope.

But now I don't let myself think of him. I won't let myself. I want to, more than anything I want to imagine him kissing me, I want to relive our kiss on a balcony. But if I do, I have to remember the chance I threw away. Every night I'm afraid to sleep, because when I do, I dream of him. And in the morning there are always tears on the pillow. Because the dreams are always deep, and he's always kissing me, and he's always whispering butterfly "I love you"s into my lips.

I don't know if he still loves me. I don't know if he can forgive me.

I never realised unrequited love could be so strong.

And one day, I know I'll hear the door. And it'll be him, and I'll have to face the truth, whatever it is. I can't wait for that day, because it will put my mind at rest. I won't be able to avoid it like I have been. I've got the letters he sends, and I keep meaning to sit down and read them-but I don't know if I can take the truth, I honestly don't know.

Maybe that day is today.

And there's the door again.

the oxford popular dictionary

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. This is the product of listening to "white flag", "on christmas day" and "afraid to sleep" by dido. it is also the product of my own unrequited feelings. Originally written for a contest at Quills N Spills.