Ooops did I forget to update this for how long? Eek, my bad. Well I'm
done with school now, so this should be coming on a regular basis and will
be finished eventually I swear…Thanks if you're still reading.
Ch. 5
The Voice
I didn't go straight home after leaving Rory's house. I had too much energy to just sit in the house all alone. I started to drive back over to the party, but then I just kept going. It took me awhile to figure out why I kept driving, why I didn't want to go back to my room and spend a few hours watching tv, playing a video or computer game or why I didn't want to go spend the rest of the night goofing off and just chilling with my friends. The reason came to me slowly and that was because I didn't want to be him again, I didn't want to slip back into that life that had held me captive, a prisoner in my own body for almost seventeen years now. It's hard to change, harder than I ever realized. I'd always scoffed at people who had to go to shrinks for things that they should be able to do on their own, I mean seriously how hard is it to stop washing your hands? I realize now how wrong I am. There's something so deeply imbedded in a person that it's almost unreachable, and it's what keeps you from change. Sure you may look like you're doing okay, like the person who loses a hundred pounds, but where are they five years from then? That's always the question. You can do all these superficial things that seem to change you, but there's always something pulling you back to who you were.
I can feel it even now, pulling me towards Kevin's house, reminding me how good it felt to be popular, how good it felt to be able to get away with anything, to have girls falling at my feet no matter how many times I dicked them over…It would be so easy to be him again, to have the life that most teenage boys dream of.
It doesn't stop there though, it starts to question my motives for change. Rory, it screamed to me to notice how she changed, how she was becoming what I hated, what I was trying to escape from. I could have her no matter what, I could stay the jerk, albeit popular and handsome jerk and still get the girl. I didn't have to change, she was doing all the changing required for the both of us. But that led me to wonder, was she changed for good or was there something inside of her as there was inside of me. Was she being pulled back into the girl I loved? Where will she be in five years time? Something tells me that she won't be like the rest of the girls who will have just finished up their pointless degrees because they'll never work, they'll produce a few children that will probably be raised by nannies, they'll volunteer, take tennis lessons and have lunch at the club. I can't see Rory falling into that category, but maybe I have blinders on where she's concerned. Then that voice calls out its final question as I think about that. Is she worth it? The voice asks me and I don't even have to think, I know the answer without any hesitation. Yes, Rory is worth anything and everything.
I think that seems to have quieted the voice for now, but I know it is not gone, it will haunt me for the rest of my life, I just hope I'm strong enough to fight it.
Ch. 5
The Voice
I didn't go straight home after leaving Rory's house. I had too much energy to just sit in the house all alone. I started to drive back over to the party, but then I just kept going. It took me awhile to figure out why I kept driving, why I didn't want to go back to my room and spend a few hours watching tv, playing a video or computer game or why I didn't want to go spend the rest of the night goofing off and just chilling with my friends. The reason came to me slowly and that was because I didn't want to be him again, I didn't want to slip back into that life that had held me captive, a prisoner in my own body for almost seventeen years now. It's hard to change, harder than I ever realized. I'd always scoffed at people who had to go to shrinks for things that they should be able to do on their own, I mean seriously how hard is it to stop washing your hands? I realize now how wrong I am. There's something so deeply imbedded in a person that it's almost unreachable, and it's what keeps you from change. Sure you may look like you're doing okay, like the person who loses a hundred pounds, but where are they five years from then? That's always the question. You can do all these superficial things that seem to change you, but there's always something pulling you back to who you were.
I can feel it even now, pulling me towards Kevin's house, reminding me how good it felt to be popular, how good it felt to be able to get away with anything, to have girls falling at my feet no matter how many times I dicked them over…It would be so easy to be him again, to have the life that most teenage boys dream of.
It doesn't stop there though, it starts to question my motives for change. Rory, it screamed to me to notice how she changed, how she was becoming what I hated, what I was trying to escape from. I could have her no matter what, I could stay the jerk, albeit popular and handsome jerk and still get the girl. I didn't have to change, she was doing all the changing required for the both of us. But that led me to wonder, was she changed for good or was there something inside of her as there was inside of me. Was she being pulled back into the girl I loved? Where will she be in five years time? Something tells me that she won't be like the rest of the girls who will have just finished up their pointless degrees because they'll never work, they'll produce a few children that will probably be raised by nannies, they'll volunteer, take tennis lessons and have lunch at the club. I can't see Rory falling into that category, but maybe I have blinders on where she's concerned. Then that voice calls out its final question as I think about that. Is she worth it? The voice asks me and I don't even have to think, I know the answer without any hesitation. Yes, Rory is worth anything and everything.
I think that seems to have quieted the voice for now, but I know it is not gone, it will haunt me for the rest of my life, I just hope I'm strong enough to fight it.