Chapter 14 Dramatic Critic Blues

Lemony Snicket grew to like life as a dramatic critic. It wasn't, in his opinion, as good as being a volunteer, but he did have a little bit of fun. He had opportunities to see plays by Shakespeare, as well as musicals and comedies. All he had to do was write short reports on his opinions of each play, and he would get into the plays for free on opening night, free concessions, and good seats. A man would drive by the theater soon after the play was over and pick up the article to bring to the newspaper. He would often bring the unfinished newspaper to Lemony so he could read it and relay the important information to the V.F.D. volunteers.

In the short space of those two weeks, his columns became very popular amongst the volunteers because of their frank nature. Since the volunteers were very well read and intelligent, they appreciate his "cut to the chase" approach, which often made harsh criticisms of the plays. To them, it was a welcome change from the boring columns that only paid complements to the plays. He even wrote about the audience. A sample column went like this:

"I recently attended the play 'The Apples of Wrath' and I cannot comprehend what would drive the playwright Carla Burr to make such a horrendous play. In addition to the cacophony caused by people unwrapping candy wrappers and coughing loudly, I had a dismal time. The dancing fruit often tripped over their ridiculous costumes. When the rebellious pear was about to be questioned by the grand high apple, I was drifting off to sleep. At the end, when the strawberry and the pineapple were married by the kiwi priest, I was smiling and clapping wit the rest of the audience only because I was happy that the play was almost over. On the bright side, however, the popcorn at the concession stand was delicious."

The reason that the reviews were so cynical was the Lemony was optimistic. He fully expected everything to be back to normal by the end of the two weeks. Plus, he enjoyed speaking his mind.

The volunteers appreciated receiving the Daily Punctilio early. Lemony's reports on the newspaper gave the volunteers important information, such as the locations of recent fires and the answers to the crossword puzzle. Therefore, at the end of the two weeks, Lemony received a note telling him to keep doing that as his permanent job. All of his belongings were moved to the Valorous Farms Dairy so he could live closer to the theater district.

The day he moved into the dairy was a pleasant one. He was in his new room, looking out the window and folding his clothes. He unpacked his last sweater and saw his bowler hat at the bottom of his suitcase. The sight of the present from Beatrice made his eyes well up with tears. This was his twenty-fourth birthday, and he would not be spending it with Beatrice. Lemony sighed, hung his hat on a peg on the wall, and sat on his bed. There he stared at the sunny sky and wondered how he would spend his birthday, which now seemed more overcast than sunny without his dear friend.

However, Lemony did not get to contemplate this issue much, for one of the young girls training at the dairy rushed in wearing her overalls and had her hair in braids. "Mail time!" she shouted, thrusting a letter into his hand. "Lucky you," she said happily, winking at him. "You get mail your first day here!" She gave Lemony a smile and walked out of the room.

Inside the small envelope was a letter and a small item. Lemony was filled with a mixture of joy and sadness as he read it.

Dear Lemony

I miss you a lot. I hope your birthday is going well. I'm so sad that we couldn't be together today, but maybe you can see me later.

I would've gotten you a bigger present, but I thought you'd appreciate this. Wear this whenever you miss me.

-From Beatrice

Lemony looked in the envelope and saw a handmade hemp bracelet with beads shaped like eyes. Smiling, he brushed the tears from his cheeks and tried on the bracelet. The eye shaped beads shimmered in the sun. He decided then and there that he would make the most of his special day.

He treated himself to a walk and picnic in the woods surrounding the dairy. When the volunteers there heard that it was his birthday, they gave him fresh ice cream and the volunteer sketch artist made him a thoughtful card. That night, when Lemony attended another play, he treated himself to another popcorn and a coffee and stepped outside the theater. As he sat on a small wall outside, he pushed up his sleeve to glance at his watch and look at the bracelet from Beatrice. He sighed, leaned back, and stared at the stars just as the lights in the theater blinked to announce the coming of the second act of the play, and, perhaps, Lemony Snicket's life.

Hooray! Another author's note:

I'm sorry that I haven't written in a while. I had a secret mission involving homecoming dance, poisoned punch, and mishaps involving sleeveless gowns. I couldn't, unfortunately, find out what my fellow volunteers were trying to tell me, even though I stared into the punch bowl long into the night. But I am back now.

Thank you, Visual Purple for your reviews. I'm grateful for your input. Since yours was the only response to my question in the previous chapter, I will take your advice and give the chapters crappy names, starting... wait for it... NOW!