As the door slid shut behind him, Obi-Wan released his held breath. "That was close…" he whispered softly to himself as he made his way over to his sleep couch and dropped down on to it. He wasn't sure what had just happened, but it was obvious that Qui-Gon knew something was wrong with the "perfect Padawan."

\He can't know\ Obi-Wan thought, standing up from the bed and beginning to pace. He couldn't seem to decide how to feel. He'd entered the room, holding his breath to keep the tears from falling, and now he felt like he wanted to crawl out of his skin. The emotions bubbled and broiled in his mind: anger at himself for slipping, anxiety that his Master would find out he wasn't perfect, fear that he couldn't control himself, but most of all a yawning gape of sorrow that he just couldn't seem to bridge.

*********************************************

I wanted to tell you, I really did. I wanted to just sit beside you on the couch and hold onto any small comfort you could offer me. I knew that if I told you everything you'd help me and I wouldn't be so alone.

But I couldn't. And I won't. This is my problem, my deficiency, my failure and my penance for some wrong I can't seem to define. This isn't yours to bear the weight of. I won't let you down, even if it kills me…

*********************************************

Qui-Gon was still sitting on the couch, sipping at his tepid drink when Obi-Wan emerged from his room. Washed, dressed, scrubbed and prepared- he definitely looked the part of the perfect Padawan. The tunics were spotless, creased and pressed just so. Each spike of the ginger hair stood almost as if at attention, and the braid hung just so- jauntily announcing its presence and meaning to all who would look.

But the eyes- the ever-changing eyes- were one thing the Padawan couldn't hide. And it was the glazed depression reflected in the stormy orbs that told the Master all was not well, and the perfectly styled illusion was just that, the stuff of dreams and whispers.

"Padawan, perhaps you should stay home today. I have only a few meetings today, maybe we could go out to the gardens, or catch one of the new holovids?" Qui-Gon asked as he stood to intercept Obi-Wan's path to the doorway.

Once again, the flicker of a smile, the shadow of a grin, "Thank you Master, but I have a test today in my ethics class. I really need to get going." Stepping around the towering Master, the young Padawan made his way to the door. Just as the door sensor registered the approaching presence and began to slide open, Qui-Gon tried to speak once more.

"Obi-Wan…" hesitating briefly, trying to find the words to express his worries, Qui-Gon found himself interrupted by the hiss of the closing door. Looking up from where he had been searching the floor, almost as if it could have provided the dialogue necessary for such a dark situation, the Master found himself alone in the room.

*********************************************

I know you were only trying to help. I know that you thought that you could make me happy just once, and maybe that would carry over and I'd smile and grin and laugh again. But it doesn't work like that. Happiness is transitory, and I've only just begun to realize it.

*********************************************

"Obi-Wan!" Bant called as she caught site of the familiar figure stalking through the halls. When her fellow Padawan made no move to answer or acknowledge the Mon Calamarian, Bant sped up her pace until she walked beside her friend.

"Hey Obi! Are you ready for Master Ni'Kaven's ethics test today?" She asked, trying to engage him in some form of communication, after he offered no acknowledgement to her appearance at his side.

"I think so," Obi-Wan answered, not turning his gaze from the hallway ahead. "I studied a bit for it last night, but I didn't really have the time to do much more than look over the material."

"Oh Obi, like you need to worry," Bant kidded. "The Perfect Padawan, with the Perfect scores! You could probably walk into a Knight's class right now and best the majority of the Jedi in the room."

"It's not really like that Bant, and you know it. I wouldn't be able to do any better in a Knight's class than you would, I just do well in the Padawan classes because…" Obi-Wan hesitated as he tried to come up with a reason for his successes. Even he wasn't sure how he did so well without really having to try.

"Because you're brilliant!" Bant giggled. "Speaking of which, will you help me with my Astro-physics project? I can't seem to get it to work."

"Sure Bant," Obi-Wan answered distractedly as the two Padawans entered the ethics room.

"Thanks Obi, you're the best," she grinned as she turned to take her seat.

*********************************************

It doesn't seem fair. How can I be so good at this stuff and Bant so terrible? She's so nice and giving and loving… why did I deserve this and not her? It makes all of the victories that much cheaper, since I didn't really have to work at it, and yet I still beat all of those that spend their free time studying and poring over notes and texts. It just makes me feel guilty…

*********************************************

As Bant slid into her seat, she shot a surreptitious glance at her friend. Obi-Wan had already taken his seat and had his datapad out on his desk, ready to go. \Oh Obi, why won't you tell me what's wrong?\ she wondered, as she took in his slumped shoulders and dead gaze. \Don't you trust me?\

The Padawan knew that Obi-Wan would refuse to go out with her and his other friends if she asked, so she had made up the excuse about the Astro-physics project. She knew that he would leave if she turned the "study session" into too much of a social gathering, but she wanted to see him have fun for once. All he ever did was work on his katas, and prepare for his classes- things he could do solitarily. He didn't ever want to be with his friends, or even venture out into the Temple where others might see him.

\I don't know what's wrong with you Obi, but I will find out\ Bant vowed as Master Ni'Kaven entered the room. Turning her attention to the Master, Bant couldn't help but sneak one more look at her friend. As the teacher took his place at the front of the room, the Perfect Padawan was once again in attendance.