Quistis took a bite out of her sandwich, not noticing its flavor. She ate at the table on the top floor of Squall's office, where she took most of her meals. Squall still showed no signs of recovery, and the data from Videlic gave them only partial insights into Mallis's plans. They still knew nothing of the WarMech project, except that it reached completion prior to their assault on the company. The machine they destroyed related to Odine's Junction Machine Ellone, designed to pull Adel's consciousness from the past and put it into a present-day Sorceress.
Xu sat opposite Quistis, her right hand sneaking across the table to capture the occasional fry, her left working on the crossword puzzle before her. The ceaseless sound of her pen scratching the paper provided the only audible accompaniment to their meal. Quistis stole a glance at the puzzle, noting, without surprise, that not a single mistake marred its inky perfection. Every letter sat confident in its box, absent corrections of any kind. Xu never even took a break to consider the clues; she wrote with the same bemused calm with which she might write a letter to her friends.
Quistis's eyes floated over to the box sitting off to one side. It had manifested, at the front gate of Esthar Garden, placed there by persons unknown. The attached card – written in an archaic language used by the Sorceress Queens of Esthar – read, "For Quistis." This clue alone let her know who sent the package, but had any doubts remained, the contents would have dispelled them.
On opening the package, Quistis had pulled forth a human heart, pierced through with a letter opener (shaped like a gunblade; Rinoa's gift for Squall on his birthday, back before the fall of Balamb Garden). A note, pinned to the heart by the letter opener, read, "I tried putting Odine to work, but after you destroyed his lab, his heart just wasn't in it. Perhaps you need a new paperweight. JV (YM)."
Without trying to trace the package – an exercise in futility, she knew – Quistis understood the initials: "Justinian Varrant (Yvaine Mallis)."
So. He'd killed Odine. Quistis found some comfort in this fact, in part because the world seemed safer since the demise of the demented scientist, but because it indicated that they'd dealt a significant blow to Mallis's plans. Beyond that, though, she felt conflicted.
During her exile, she'd spent a considerable amount of time in Esthar and had worked, on occasion, with Odine. They'd talked. As distasteful as she found the man and his methods, she respected his intellect. Though, of late, most of his inventions sprung from the minds of his associates, Odine had an undeniable brilliance about him – much of it in the field of self-promotion. He could wrangle corporate and government funding like no one she'd ever seen.
She lamented, too, the loss of chance. If they'd captured Odine, she could have interrogated him, taken apart his brain piece by piece, and laid his secrets bare. She would she have illuminated Mallis's darker plans, and she would have enjoyed it. The chance to match wits with someone of Odine's caliber did not often rear its head.
Xu slapped her pen down. "Done," she nodded. "Time?"
Quistis glanced at her watch. "Three minutes, seventeen seconds. A new record, I believe."
Xu frowned. "'Hardest crossword puzzle in the world,' my ass," she scoffed, gesturing to the magazine's proud claim. "I should write a letter to the editor."
"'Dear Sir or Madam,'" Quistis began, staring at the ceiling, "'I have come to the conclusion that your puzzles are a six-letter word for drilling and a four-letter antonym for sharp. While I do not intend to continue solving them, rest assured that should I ever need a nine-letter sleep-inducing drug, I will turn to your magazine.'"
"'Boring,' 'dull,' and 'soporific,'" Xu shot back, smiling a little. "Give me something hard next time."
Quistis leaned forward, a smile breaking across her face as she rose to the challenge. She stopped, though, at the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs. She recognized the rhythm as Selphie's.
"Hello," Selphie smiled as she came into view. She crossed to Xu's side and helped herself to a fry.
"Evening, Sel," Quistis said.
"You wanted to see me?"
"Yeah," Quistis nodded. "Have a seat."
Selphie took a seat at the table and folded her hands. "What's up?"
"A mission's come up. You're the only one who can handle it."
Selphie's eyes narrowed and Quistis could see the wheels turning inside her friend's head. Quistis knew her words set Selphie to examining every intelligence report she'd read in the last six months, trying to determine what Quistis found so important.
"Okay," she shrugged. "Shoot."
Quistis reached to the side and produced a folder emblazoned with high-level security stickers: "RECIPIENT'S EYES ONLY," "TOP SECRET," "CONFIDENTIAL," "CLASSIFIED." She slid it across the desk to Selphie, who started to slice it open with her fingernail.
"Letter opener?" Xu asked, gesturing to the box containing Odine's heart.
"Uck. Odine goop." Selphie's nose wrinkled in disgust.
She opened the folder to find a single page of newspaper.
"Huh?" she asked. Her eyes scanned the paper, darting back and forth as they moved down the page. "Oh," she said. Her eyes flickered up to the top of the page, checking the date. "Oh."
Selphie held an old copy of the Winhill News. The page included the obituary column, and marked the passing of Raine Loire.
"Today's the anniversary," Quistis said. "I didn't know if you remembered or not."
"No, I..." Selphie shook her head. "Thanks."
"Don't mention it," Quistis answered. "Go."
Selphie nodded and got up to leave. Xu and Quistis watched her descending the stairs.
"She seems better," Xu commented. "The Videlic mission was good for her."
"She needed the sense that we're doing something about Mallis," Quistis said. "Something's still bothering her, though."
Xu glanced at Quistis and read between the lines. "You think it'll work?"
Quistis smiled, one eyebrow forming a perfect arch. "Have I ever been wrong before?"
"'Ooh, Squall!'" Xu squealed, clasping her hands and fluttering her eyelids. "'I'm going on my first mission tomorrow, and you should come with me!'"
Quistis shot her friend a mock glare. "You know what you are? A five-letter word for female dog."
* *
Laguna looked up from his whiskey to see Selphie standing in the doorway.
"Selphie!" he exclaimed, at once pleased and confused. "How? Why? What?" He stopped and took a deep breath. "Starting over. Please, come in."
She entered his office and took a seat at the other side of his desk, smoothing her skirt as she lowered herself into the chair. She leaned over and sniffed the white lilies sitting in a vase on the desk.
"Nice," she said. "Raine used to grow these, right?"
"Yeah, they were her favorite. Elle and I send them to each other every year. Would you care for a drink?" he asked, gesturing to the bottle next to him.
"No, thank you," she smiled.
"Okay. First things first: how did you get past security?"
She shrugged. "Your guards weren't trained at Garden."
"Yet," he added. "I expect the guards you're training for me to be a little more adept."
"They'll be good," she winked, "but not better than I am."
"Second question: how did you know I'd be here?"
She smiled again, this time with a trace of sorrow. "Because I'm guessing that at about this time of night, that huge apartment of yours seems awfully empty. Especially tonight."
"True enough," he nodded. "Finally: what brings a lovely lady like you to my office at such an unusual hour?"
"I thought you might like some company."
"Sure thing. What say we open the window, get a little fresh air?"
"That?" Selphie asked, pointing to the massive picture window behind Laguna's desk.
Laguna picked up a small remote control and pointed at the window, pressing a button. The window split into two halves, sliding away and wrapping around the outside of the building, exposing the room to the air. A piece of the floor slid forward, extending into the empty space, turning into a balcony.
Selphie blinked, amazed.
"Pretty cool, huh?" Laguna grinned. "This job does have some perks." He stood up, extending his hand to her. "C'mere. You gotta try this."
He led her over to the edge of the balcony, where he stretched out on his back, head dangling over the edge. Selphie followed suit.
"Oh... It's gorgeous," she breathed. The sky seemed to wrap around them in all directions. With a simple motion of her eyes, she could go from looking at the glittering cityscape of Esthar to the brilliant stars in the sky. The night seemed alive with an infinite number of sparkling jewels.
"I love it," Laguna said. "The only place you can get a better view is up there." He pointed a hand towards the sky. "You ever go?"
"Space?" Selphie asked. "No. Squall took Quistis along, and I wound up babysitting Zell."
Laguna turned, propping himself up on one elbow. "Well, you know how to fly the Ragnarok, right? Why don't you just... Fwoosh!" He pantomimed the ship blasting into space.
"Yeah, right," she laughed. "Nida hates it when other people fly his baby. He goes into conniptions if Squall even mentions flying it."
"Why's that?"
"Squall, for all his talents, is not exactly our best pilot. He's a great driver, but something about flying just..." She shook her head, then laughed again. "This one time, we were coming back from a mission, and Squall was flying for some reason. So, he's trying to land the ship, and Seifer and Zell were horsing around in the cockpit, like, having a shoving match, and Xu's on the headset, trying to get the mission report, and ground control was trying to direct the landing..."
"And?"
"And... Squall sort of... nudged the wall of the hangar. He's been forbidden to fly ever since then." Laguna could hear the smile in her voice.
"You miss him, don't you?"
"It's been hard... Everyone at Garden –"
"I didn't ask about everyone at Garden," Laguna said. "I asked about you."
Selphie sat up, spinning around and dangling her legs off the edge of the balcony.
"I... it's..." She sighed, then turned to look at Laguna. She held his gaze for a moment, then looked away again. "It's hard to say."
"Selphie," he reached and took her hand. "Whatever you tell me stays right here. You have my word on it."
She nodded, then took a deep breath, staring off into the distance, unable to meet Laguna's gaze. "Before Squall went... to sleep, he and I started... seeing each other. We didn't kiss or anything. But... almost. I wanted to kiss him, but I was relieved when we didn't. I have the feeling that if he hadn't fallen asleep, things might have gone farther. And I'm not so sure I'd mind that."
"And you feel bad because you care for Irvine."
"I do!" she exclaimed. "Irvine's the greatest. He's wonderful and considerate, and he knows what I need before I even think about it..." Her voice trailed off into the void between the buildings.
"But?"
"But... Squall's something else. He's dark and intense and passionate, even though he tries to hide it. There's a fire burning within him, and... he gives you the sense that it's just barely under control. And his smile! He never smiles, so when he does, and he smiles at you, it just makes you melt. I'd do anything to see that smile now."
She stood up and took a few steps back. Laguna had the sudden, horrible sensation that she planned to hurl herself off the edge of the building. Instead, she started to pace.
"And Squall gets it. He totally gets it. Whenever I look at him, I can see a corner of his brain working, planning how to get Mallis, how to take back what we lost, how to avenge... everything."
She crossed to Laguna, kneeling down beside him.
"And there's more. When he talks about it, when I hear his voice, when I see that storm in his eyes, I know."
"Know?"
"It's not enough to take back Garden. It's not enough to kill Mallis. Squall wants to make him suffer." She stood up again, pacing, her body trying to keep pace with her words.
"He wants to hurt Mallis. He wants to make Mallis bleed, to make him die, slowly, by inches. The way we've been dying since that day. It scares Squall, and he'd never admit it, even to himself, but he likes it. He thinks of all the things we've learned, all the little tricks you pick up in this business. You learn to kill people, sure, but you also learn to hurt them. To make it slow and agonizing. To take their life in your hands and make them beg for death. That's what Mallis deserves, it's what he's earned, and Squall's going to see that he gets paid. In full."
"And Irvine?" Laguna's years as a journalist served him well. Selphie had found her rhythm. Laguna's questions served only to prompt her words, to give her an excuse to voice her feelings.
"Irvine... Irvine wants to get back Garden, but that's it. I mean, sure, he'd like to see Mallis dead. He'd even like to deliver the bullet himself. But, if Mallis escaped, I think Irvine would be okay with that. Killing Mallis, capturing him, that's just not enough. I want to hear him scream. I get it. Squall gets it. Irvine doesn't."
"So you and Squall share your pain."
"Exactly. He relives every moment of that day. Every fight, every battle, every death. He works it over in his mind, tries to figure out where he went wrong. He'll never show it, but it tore him up inside. It ripped his heart out when he sounded the retreat. It crushed him when he left all those people behind. And a part of him died when Mallis killed the junior cadets, just like a part of me died... Just like a part of me dies every time I close my eyes and see the whole thing happen again."
She paused, her breath coming in gasps. Laguna stood up and went to her, placing his hands on her shoulders, and looking in her eyes.
"I can't help you with any of this, Selphie," he said, shaking his head. "All I can do is give you the tools I think will help you make up your mind. But to do that, I need you to listen to me. Really listen. You have to promise that you'll take what I say and think about it, okay? You don't need to react, or tell me your decisions, or anything else. All you have to do is think about what I say. Deal?"
She nodded. He removed his hands, walking away and putting them in his pockets.
"I can't take a position on whether you should be with Squall and Irvine. They're both great guys, but I must admit to a personal bias." He turned his head back and grinned a little.
"I think you've already made up your mind. I think you know what you want here," he tapped a finger on her heart, "but that's in conflict with what you want here," and he tapped her on the forehead. "You need to decide which is which.
"You need to think about what each man means to you. Why you care so much for each of them. What you really feel for them, and if what you feel is what you think you feel. You need to put a real name to your feelings. And 'love' won't do it. That's a cop-out. I 'love' you, and I 'love' Ellone, and I 'love' Raine. It's the same word, but they're vastly different emotions."
"You mean like how Zell 'loves' hotdogs, and 'loves' Seifer?" she quipped.
Laguna smiled, but turned serious again. "Exactly. You need to distinguish between friends, lovers, comrades. You need to figure out who you want to have what role in your life, and go from there. This leads into my second, broader point."
"Which is?"
Laguna put an arm around Selphie's shoulder and guided her to the edge of the balcony. They stood, looking over the shining crystal city for a long moment before he spoke again, his voice hushed.
"Look at it. The largest, most advanced, most powerful, most wealthy country in the world. And it's mine. Mine to have for as long as I'll have it.
"It took me a lifetime of regrets to get here. I never really knew my first love, and she died before I could tell her what she meant to me. I feel that pain every time I see Rinoa's face. I missed the birth of my son – hell, his entire life. I feel that pain every time I hear that smooth distance in Squall's voice. I missed... I wasn't there for Raine when I should have been. I feel that pain every moment of every day.
"I've seen treachery, betrayal, cruelty, horror, and more deaths than I can count. I have had my fill of pain, and, since I don't plan on dying anytime soon, I will have a lot more.
"But it hasn't all been bad. I have my son now, and we're learning to make up for lost time. I have Ellone, and we take care of each other. I have Kiros and Ward, the best friends anyone could want. I have adoring fans," he turned and winked at Selphie, "and a crowd of people who are willing to work with me to make the world a better place. I have a legacy of peace and prosperity that will hopefully outlive me. I have more money than I could ever spend in a dozen lifetimes. I have a nation of trusting citizens, looking to me to improve their lives. I have memories of joy, laughter, sunlight, beauty, music... all the good things this world has to offer."
He extended his left arm, turning his hand so his wedding band winked in the light. His voice, when he spoke, caught in his throat.
"And I have Raine, who is with me every moment of every day.
"I have all this, and do you know how I got it?"
He waited, looking at Selphie, who shook her head. He turned, and took her by the shoulders again.
"I never did anything by halves. I found my path and saw it through. I never hedged my bets, never rode the fence, never changed horses in midstream. That's my secret. If I do something, I do it one hundred percent or not at all."
He released her, and shrugged.
"And that's it. That's all I can tell you. I hate to say it," he grinned, "but now I've taught you everything I know."
"You've said more than enough," she smiled, reaching towards him and pulling Laguna into a great hug. "You've given me a lot to think about. Thanks, Sir Laguna."
"Sure thing, Selly-belly," he said, patting her on the back of the head. "Now you'd better head home. It's getting late."
She pulled away and started for the door.
"Thanks again," she said.
"Not a problem," he replied. "Think about what I said."
"I will."
* *
She thought.
She thought all the way to Esthar Garden.
She thought about Quistis, and her real motivations for sending Selphie on this "mission."
She thought about Sir Laguna, and how he never once misspoke or mixed his metaphors.
She thought she'd never seen a better actor.
But mostly, she thought.
* *
She opened the door to find Irvine sprawled out on her bed, the television set running.
"Hey, babe," he said, sitting up and flipping the TV off with the remote. "Zell, uh, decided to 'repair' my TV, so I thought I'd borrow yours while mine's out of commission."
"Mmm-hmm," she smiled, closing the door behind her. She felt clear, lightheaded, as she glided across the room.
"Well," he shrugged, standing up, "I'll get going. See you tomorrow."
"Wait," she said, crossing over to him. She pulled him close and held him in a long hug. He wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on the top of her head.
Selphie took a step back. She took one of his hands in one of hers, placing it over her heart and looking long into his eyes. Her other hand reached around and started to unzip her uniform jacket.
"Stay."