Disclaimer: Stop rubbing it in already…
Author's Note: Sorry it took so long, my ducks… Every time I finished writing this damn chapter, I'd go back, read it, and feel COMPLETELY unsatisfied with it… thus having to erase and start anew.
Blackbirds Singing In The Dead Of Night
Perhaps it is time that I consider reevaluating my position on shopping at the mall…I think feebly as I stare vacantly at my uninspiring reflection in Starfire's full-length bedroom mirror. And uninspiring is putting kindly.
I run a hand through my tousled hair and groan as my image only worsens for it… I would blame myself, but why should I when it's clearly all Boy Blunder's fault that I repeatedly find myself in these degrading predicaments? This is truly pathetic.
"I think you look most… becoming!" Starfire says from her place on her fluffy pink bed.
What an extraordinarily nice way of saying 'you look like a dude', Star…
I grumble out a 'thank you' of sorts as I tuck the dress shirt Star borrowed for me from Beast Boy into Robin's loaned slacks … the very girlish part of me wants to sigh sadly that they both actually fit me decently… the top is even a little snug… I look like I'm going to cater instead of pay my respects. So help me, if one person asks me to go fetch them caviar… I take no liability for my actions…
This morning, as I was preparing for Batman funeral, I made the rather disagreeable realization that I have, in a few short months, managed to outgrow every single article of clothing I possess… that isn't a leotard or cape anyway… Just goes to illustrate my 'social life' that I can go months without wearing anything but my uniform…
In what I can only assume was delirium caused by the cusp of panic attack, I knocked on the bedroom door of the only other female in the Tower… Yeah, because I was really going to be able to wear anything that belonged to a 6'1 Tamaranian Super Model… I must have been out of my mind.
After a painfully humiliating game of 'dress up' that had me questioning my sanity in a way I never thought I would have to, Starfire and I both agreed that it was hopeless… pitifully and utterly hopeless.
Of course, Starfire, ever the optimist, could never be downhearted for longer than a nanosecond.
"When one is in trouble, one should always call upon one's friends!" She had exclaimed, jumping up from her position next to me on her fluffy pink bed, "I shall go and ask the others for their assistance!" She was out the door before I could hope to reason with her… or at least levitated a chair to block her path.
She came back five minutes later, excitedly shrieking with the gusto of an over-caffeinated hummingbird, "Friend Raven! I have the solution to your most distressing problem!"
She held up a pair of black slacks and a white collared dress shirt… both unquestionably masculine in appearance. I don't even remember trying to hide my displeasure. "After determining that my own Earthly apparel was ill suited for someone of your stature, I realized that perhaps one of the boys might more closely resemble your build of figure! So I borrowed a pair of trousers of black from Robin and a formal apparel top from Beast Boy! Good, no? Now let us prepare you for the service of unfortunate demise!"…
So, now here I am, starring at myself in Star's mirror and toying with the idea of telling Robin that, regrettably, I forgot that I was actually a figment of his imagination and therefore could not attend Batman's funeral.
Mortification: A feeling of shame, humiliation, or wounded pride. See: Superhero's, Raven…
I shrug off my rapidly increasing nervousness… really, it's not like I have a desperate need to impress anyone anyway.
Satisfied that I'm perfectly at ease with my appearance, I step away from the mirror, walk over, and take a seat next to Star on her bed, preparing to put on the high heels she's loaning me… which of course are too big, therefore forcing me to pad them heavily with wads of toilet paper… This just keeps getting better and better… tell me is daddy going to be paying a visit soon? That would just top this all off nicely…
A beat.
Well, I think, trying to stay a little positive, at least she's speaking to me, much less loaning me accessories…
Though her assisting abilities could definitely be called into question, I can not help but feel a throb of gratitude for her genuine attempts. After all, she could still hate me. Though, I thoroughly doubt 'hate' is even in her repertoire. The girl is a glowing example of consideration, compassion, and sincerity… damn annoying.
Yesterday afternoon, after awakening in a cold and silent clinic beside the empty cot that Robin had occupied the night before, I decided that I was feeling much better and adequately healed… enough to go back to my standard routine of existence among my fellow Titans.
I got up, got dressed, and at once embarked to carry out the very first item on my 'to-do' list… namely to discuss recent events and circumstances with Beast Boy and Starfire. Yeah, right. Beg forgiveness is more like it…
I had anticipated doing a lot of abject groveling and had definitely not ruled out the distinct possibility of a much deserved verbal lashing… however, much to my relief and appreciation, Robin had beat me to the punch and had already done his very best to explain to them vaguely the situation and how I had not really meant any of it. Thank you, Boy Wonder…even if you did owe me one anyway…
Beast Boy seemed a bit uneasy about the whole thing, but he still offered me a cheeky grin before explaining to me that he actually knew the whole time what I was doing and how he was just playing along to keep up appearances… the liar
I still offered him a very sincere apology, which he promptly made a joke about videotaping and reliving over and over again.
Despite BB's lighthearted banter, I could detect the smoke of sadness in his voice, and had to force myself not to wrap myself around my own self-contempt. I had brought up Terra, and in doing so opened a wound that still coiled around the young shape shifter's broken heart. You don't deserve that…
Starfire, on the other hand, just seemed tremendously perplexed by the entire situation. Nevertheless she was very pleased that I had not meant what I had said and that life in Titan Tower would continue on much as it always had.
"Though I do not understand your reasons, I accept your intentions and express my gratitude for bringing our Robin back to us." She hugged me so hard my fingertips turned purple from lack of circulation. For once I didn't say anything.
Though I have always had a rather strong, albeit silent, respect for my teammates, I still felt, feel, astounded by their capacity for forgiveness and understanding. Especially since I've done nothing to earn it…
I don't know if I will ever be able to express to them without the looming fear of an emotional overload (and consequent telepathic demolition) the profound admiration, jealousy really, I have for their humanity… but a very deep part of me hopes that they know… that somehow they understand that although I am, in fact, a cold, impassive person somewhere hidden within my psyche is a little girl in awe that she has friends who are willing to stick beside her, to forgive her, and who want to understand her…
After all, when you've been told you're a monster your whole life, the idea that anyone could see you as anything else is nothing short of miraculous-
"At what time are you and Robin to be departing for the service of unfortunate demise?" Starfire asks, breaking me from my musings, as she brushes my hair back and pins it into some sort of twist.
I glance at her clock and sigh; I really don't want to go to this…, "In about five minutes." I say, standing up as she finishes my hair. I turn and glance into her green-clouded eyes, and I mean that in more than just a physical sense… "I guess I should go meet him in his room, see if he's ready yet."
She nods in understanding. Although I know she is trying to suppress it, I can feel the waves of faint jealousy rippling off of her. I know why… it's not like her crush on Robin was ever anything but public knowledge… It's practically tattooed on her forehead really…
I stare sadly at the red-haired girl for a moment, taking in the faint glow that always seems to emit from her every pore.
She really is so incredibly beautiful… more than beautiful. Luminescent. And she's kind and understanding and she's always so damn cheerful and she always has a way of making the rest of our team just a bit happier by the simple act of flashing a smile and she knows how to be girly and she's free to express her emotions as she chooses… And I can never hold a candle to her.
Cyborg once confessed to me somewhat off-handedly that when things are at there worst and he just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel; Starfire's mere presence has a way of reminding him of all the good in the world that is worth fighting for and all the great that humans are capable of…
I could never inspire that sense of hope in another being. My dark destiny lurks much to close to the surface… telling all who come close of the horrible things I will one day bring about…all the horrible things they will feel and experience because one day I will no longer be strong enough to keep my demon at bay…
Robin would be fortunate to be with her, I think earnestly… though, vexatiously, the thought taste bitter and acidic…
"I appreciate your help, Star," I say sincerely, breaking the silence as well as my train of thought, "I'd probably be going in a paper bag if you hadn't helped." Not that this is much better…
She smiles, though it doesn't quite reach her eyes, "You are most welcome, Friend Raven." She stands and begins ushering me out the door, "You do not want to be unpunctual and keep Robin waiting, so you must depart swiftly. Have a safe and unsuffering journey!"
The door swooshes shut the second I exit, leaving me with the image of an artificially cheerful Starfire waving goodbye. It makes my stomach turn.
I rub my face in exasperation as I start to walk, rather unsteadily on heels, in the direction of Robin's room. Reflexively I smooth down my clothes, trying, I suppose, to will them to be better. They're not wrinkly Raven… just absurd.
I knock on his door, not bothering to announce who I am or why I am here. He already knows, why bother?
After a few seconds the door opens and I step through, my eyes blinking rapidly as they adjust to the intense darkness of his room. Well, it is dark compared to Starfire's, anyway. A lovely sunrise compared to mine…
Though, I can not see him immediately because of my transitory blindness, I feel him brush pass me and hear when he drops down heavily on to his small bed. The faint smell of cologne breezes past just as I breathe in deeply and I find myself suddenly feeling ridiculous in my idiotic garb and painfully dreary flesh-
"I'll be ready in a second," he says, mercifully breaking off my internal train of personal belittlement.
My eyes have adjusted now and I can clearly make out his dark form, sitting on his bed and putting on his expense looking dress shoes. The sophisticated black turtle-neck and slacks he is wearing make his resemblance to Bruce Wayne powerfully striking.
Though I know they are not blood related in any sense of the term, they legitimately could have passed for father and son. The air of darkness that clings to him is as intense as the Dark Knight's was, as well as the profound sense of loss that over time seems to have weaved itself in to the very fabric of his being…
My observation deadens as I begin to feel our bond pulsing through me as it never has before… and hope sincerely never does again… my hands shake with its tremors and my head begins to swim… my breath leaves my body in one slow exhalation and I can't find the strength to inhale again… my lungs burn…I feel thick and heavy, like trudging through a mass of warm and deep sludge. My heart beat resounds loudly in my ears…
I find myself having to swiftly perform a bit of impromptu mediating to control the strange emotional flare-up as the strange sensation passes over me… the stirring dispels almost as quickly as it came over me. I must be loosing my mind…
I turn my attentions once more to Robin, who has not noticed my brief loss of control. I breathe in deeply and assure myself that the spell was nothing…it's just been a hectic couple of days and I haven't been meditating as much as I should have…that's all.
"Take your time," I state plainly as I walk over and plop down beside him on his bed, "I'm in to hurry."
He's still wearing his ridiculous pretense and I begin to wonder if that mask is actually a permanent fixture on his face…
He spares me only a quick glance and a part of me is anticipating for him to make some remark about my choice in fashion, but he just bends down to put on his other shoe.
"Thanks for dressing casual," he says and I can make out no trace of mocking in his voice. A ball of tension I had not even realized was forming in the pit of my stomach quietly dissolves. "I was afraid you'd decide to wear the cloak anyway," he continues, finishing the knot on his shoes with a flourish. "It seems like a permanent fixture of your wardrobe, I was actually beginning to believe it was attached to your body…"
He twists back to face me and smirks. I glower at him and cross my arms menacingly over my chest. He chuckles as he rises to his feet, offering me a hand that I dutifully ignore before standing on my own.
"You know, Robin, I'm sure that the five or six people in the world who don't know your secret identity would probably be quite curious if you showed up to Bruce Wayne's funeral in a mask." I tap the corners of my eyes to emphasize my point.
Surprised, he reaches a hand up and touches his face, smiling vaguely when he feels the familiar leather, "I didn't even realize it was on… you get use to the feeling of it after a while."
He hesitates almost imperceptibly before his fingers clasp the edges, preparing to peel it away from his face…
But my hand stills him. He tilts his head and looks down at me, puzzled. My hands brush his away, replacing them at the corners of his mask. I offer him a quiet sort of smile, "I figure this way you can always say that you never took it off willingly…"
A beat.
He returns my smile; his fingers unintentionally brush my wrist as he drops his hands back down at his sides.
I sense a part of him is indescribably grateful; the part of him that quite honestly never wants to be Richard Grayson again, never wants to remember how to play that character… the part of him that wishes he was always Robin… always the superhero, never just the man…never to be weak, always to be strong…
I peel the mask off of his face, and look up in to his unabashedly readable melancholy blueberry eyes… they are lighter than I imagined they would be, and surprisingly clear. I always guessed they would have reflected the darkness within him and his mysterious nature… but no. They blaze out emotion in powerful blasts… it almost hurts me to look directly in to them.
There are red marks from his mask all around his eyes and I speculate the likelihood that he never takes the damn thing off, even to sleep and shower… Never to be Richard, always to be Robin.
Silence overtakes us for a few moments, the thick air of significance swirls with one of uncertain source and nature… lingering like an intense fog between us. I find myself fidgeting with his mask, oddly at a loss…
"So I guess we better get going," Robin coughs, breaking the silence as he steps back away from me a few safe feet.
I nod, shaking my mind and emotions of the faint tingling that is once again resonating faintly through my being, "I guess so..."
We start toward the door, but he stops suddenly halfway there, causing me to collide heavily in to his back.
He turns around to face me, his expression showing no signs of registering the glare I am sending him. "Before I forget," he speaks so softly and I strain to hear him, "I'm just Richard Grayson today, okay? Not…not Robin."
I hear the distaste in his voice when he speaks his own name and feel the disgust that reverberates through his whole body. It troubles me…He really, truly despises Richard Grayson…
My mind decides immediately that calling him Richard, or any variation of that name, would not only secretly upset him, but would also feel far too personal, far too intimate… undoubtedly making us both feel much to exposed… and I did not want to even think about the connotations that might present in our already (for lack of a less implicative term) unfathomable familiarity.
I make it a point of looking anywhere but in to his bruising blue eyes, "All right, Grayson, lets get going."
To be continued!
Author's Note: I'm sure half of you are now saying 'Oh she took the chicken-shit way out.' (In reference to Raven's apology to Star and BB) but I just wanted to say, before any flames, that I specifically made it as vague as possible… it's far too easy to deter from the main center of this story (i.e. Rob/Rae) and I don't want to do that too much. I do plan to build on Raven's relationships with the others… but I just want to make sure that it is very clear that those ties are only secondary to the one she shares with Robin, and to do that, I feel the need to make sure that they are depicted more than anything else…
Okay, I'm done being a weenie…cheesy grin
ONTO THE REVIEWERS!
Juliachan: Thank you so much for taking an interest in my little piece of 'what-I-wish-would-happen'! I always appreciate it when readers take a moment to review, so it really means a whole bunch… especially a review as lovely as yours. I always feel giddy when people say I'm original and in character, so thank you ten-fold! Hope you continue to enjoy!
Enchanted Daisy: Thank you so much for your review! I'm glad you agree with my opinion on the Rob/Rae situation… it always warms me to know I'm not alone in my plight. Yeah, I'm aware of my glaring grammatical errors in previous chapters (I make no claims about being any good at this writing stuff…) but trust that I AM trying very hard to keep them to a minimum. I re-read each chapter about nine times before posting… my eyes are beginning to burn in their sockets… Hope you continue to read! (Love your name by the way.)
Zaire: Thank you! Keep reading! Please! My fragile ego couldn't take you stopping!
Azarathgirl: I see that you've discovered Raven's secret (i.e. not truly understanding herself.) And believe me when I say from the bottom of my heart that I understand that feeling too, so don't be sad… we're in this together. You mean a lot to this little fanfic writer (who always looks forward to your reviews, and will continue to) so chin up, okay? We are friends in the spirit of Rob/Rae! Hug
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Sami: Tee-hee! Thank you so much! Hope you continue to read!
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Shadow290: The funeral is coming up so hopefully you won't have to wait much longer! Hope you continue to enjoy!
Ravrob4ever: I am sure you are quite disappointed that I haven't made any mention of Raven's discussion with Cyborg regarding what happened with her and Robin… but fear not! I shall explain (sort of) what happened in an up coming chapter! Hope you continue to read!
Gentle-writer: Trust me when I say I'm sniffing right along with you… the love is there, it's just got to be tapped into…
Child of Blood: You are so very polite! I adore you already. Hope you continue to enjoy!
ChocolateCurlz: Stop being so humble! Seriously, CC, I LOVE your fics and really can't get over that you are reading mine. And the fact that you think I'm pulling off first person makes me strut around my house like a peacock and do happy dances that earn me curious glances… Glad you like the whole dream sequence, I take the extra bananas with pride. Hope you don't loose interest, I couldn't handle the rejection! Ha-ha…. Oh yeah, and CapitalCheeseyness has totally become my new word
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Raggedywings: Thank you so much! I shall try to uphold the standard of 'heartwarming-ness'!
Syaoronsangel: I'm beginning to greatly look forward to your lovely reviews, my friend. And I am very glad that I can keep you away from your studies, ha-ha! Sorry about the short chapters… but I prefer them that way, it makes them easier to write and reflect on. And yes, the pillow comment is a true story… Basically what happened was, at my senior year After-Prom (and at After-Prom in my school, once you are in they don't let you leave until sunrise), a group of us (of varying cliques) just decided we were too damn tired to keep partying (a hardy bunch I know…) so we all just found a corner to crash in. Anyways, by sunrise we wound up one entangled mess of limbs, and when I awoke (I was perched against a wall…I can sleep anywhere) the president of the drama club (of which I was a member) was splayed out over my lap… and after I attempted to wake his lazy-ass, he started digging… and you can guess what I declared next, ha-ha… as a side note, and foreshadowing (duh!), he and I starting dating a few months later (though we are no longer together)… Anyways, hope that satisfies your curiosity, and please continue to enjoy my story!
Majestical: Thank you! Love your reviews very much!
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DarkRavenCosmos: I am very fond of sarcasm myself… very fond (I'm sure it's apparent.) Hope you continue to find her dialogue amusing!
Mysti-eyed: Yeah, forgiveness is kind of the Titans thing I suppose… they seem to have a copious amount of it, even in the cartoon (…in every other episode it seems SOMEONE fouls up and is in need of forgiveness…) Hope you continue to read!
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All127: Hope I can keep turning out decent chapters for ya!
Queenie-97: Yeah! I'm on someone's favorite's list… excuse my as I jump up and down like a moron…
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Lynx16: Thank you! I shall try to keep up the good work for you!
Selfless: Ha-ha! Glad to know that no one was injured… 'Smiley and such' eh? He-he, you have a lovely way with words that make me giggle happily. Hope you continue to enjoy!
Cherry Jade: Yes, I REALLY do look forward to your reviews more than anyone's and I love you a whole lot too, especially for always making it a point to review with your thoughts…and I'm doing my dorky happy dance at the thought that you think I'm hilarious…. Hug!
Al the Pirate: Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap. I am such a big fan of your stories… between you and ChocolateCurlz I feel like I'm entertaining celebrities. Seriously, it means so much that you are reading my story… and you added me to your favorites… I'm at a freakin' loss for words. I really have made it a point to try and develop the characters, even before your awesome review, especially Raven's. I agree that it really makes it much deeper….and any advice you have would be MOST appreciated… I really hope I can keep your approval seal…Oh, and as a side note, can I just tell you that your taste in music is better than, um, ANYONE'S? Okay, I'm down gushing now…
Tecna: So glad that you like my ficcie. Every time a review is as nice as yours, a writer gets their wings…err, umm yeah something like that… ha-ha. Hope you continue to enjoy!
Hollywoodstarsandeves: Your reviews are always some of my favorite. And it fricken figures that he knew about her powers in canon… oh well, nothing I can do about it now. Thanks for still liking it regardless of glaring irregularities, ha-ha! I however, regret to inform you that my story will be riddled with mentions of the events in 'Birthmark'… HOWEVER… they are replaying it April 23rd on Cartoon Network at 3:30 Eastern time… (I specifically looked it up for you.) … Though I suppose if you don't have cable or a TV or something that won't help you much… Anyways, hope you continue to read anyways and if you have any questions about events in the story, please feel free to ask and I shall do my best to explain.
Rubianca: Thank you so much! I'm beaming, honestly. Although, I must tell you (excuse me as I bury my head in embarrassment) that I am such a dork that I had to look up what KUTGW meant…BUT I know now, so thank you for teaching me something knew ha-ha! Hope you continue to enjoy!
Love you all!