Title: Mr. Brightside
Chapter: Back To California
Disclaimer: Once again I own nothing. Not CSI and not the song "Back to California" which is owned by the band Sugarcult. Tim Pagnotta and Marko 72 rock in person! (autographs make the world go 'round)
Part 2 of 2
His things were packed, just what he needed for now. He wasn't leaving Vegas, not at all. Not right now, anyway. He packed his clothes and some other necessities. Looking around his room, at his almost empty closet and half open drawers he shook his head. Even though the actions from these past few days seemed good for him, he felt like such a coward.
He was a coward for running away and never telling Sara the truth. She probably hated him now, for leaving, even if she didn't know the reason. He knew she didn't like Sophia that much and wouldn't really enjoy working with her. Biting his bottom lip he sat down heavily on his bed, the springs squeaking in response.
Three months would be long enough. To clear his head and be able to move past this obstacle that had fallen on him and held him down for nearly three weeks. He couldn't hide from his problems for ever, but he couldn't stay here either. He would be leaving in a few hours, leaving Las Vegas, and Nevada for three long months of recovery.
The silence in his bedroom allowed him to here the large clock ticking in his hallway. He clasped his hands together and placed his elbows upon his knees as he sat on the edge of his bed. Part of him wanted to stay, to tell her everything, from what he saw…to what he felt. The other part of him, the coward wanted to run and to never look back, because it hurt too much to feel like a total waste of someone's time. It hurt to feel used, like you knew someone, and in one instant, one slip of the tongue, or one action, would lead to the downfall of everything that had been truthful.
The light patter of the rain against the glass of the window behind him made him turn his head. Great, he would have to drive in this. It seemed like a bad idea at first, but the more he sat and thought about it; he desperately needed to get away from here. Even if only for a few days, anything to help stop this motion caused by his own stupidity and his own lack of courage.
His radio in the corner of the room crackled a bit as the storm messed up the reception. He only stared at it with a blank expression before he heard a song start to play. It seemed familiar but also seemed like he had never heard it before. It was nothing like the song he had been playing the day before. In fact he left the CD there in the break room, hoping that she would take it and listen to it, and know that every word had been about her. Maybe she would, maybe she did. Then again, maybe she didn't.
How long I'll wait just to say goodbye
Ten different ways to enjoy this night
Can't do this anymore
Won't feel you anymore
Sara looked anxiously at Greg's door a worried expression on her face. She knocked lightly, but heard no response. She glanced out of the corner of her tearful eyes at his car in the driveway to make sure he was still there and hadn't snuck out the back. She knocked again, this time louder. Her knocking kept getting louder, until it was almost like she was beating against the door, begging him to let her in. Begging him to help her understand.
He never answered and she stood there for almost ten minutes finally giving up, soaked and shivering from the cold drops she turned and sulked on her way back to the car. Behind her she heard the faint sound of a door opening. She spun around just in time to see Greg coming out of the house with a suitcase in one hand and a bag over his shoulder.
Moving quickly against the fall sheets of rain she walked up next to him. He looked surprised to see her there but still kept moving, opening his door to his car and tossing the suitcase and bags in the back. He shut the door and looked at her.
"You're going to get sick." He informed her.
"Why didn't you answer your door?" He looked at her, puzzled by the statement.
"I didn't know anyone was knocking." Greg's reply was simple and truthful. Sara dropped her head.
She felt his hands on her shoulders and felt him give her a short hug. Sara pulled away first and looked at him. He was soaked and his hair was sticking his face, she never realized until now, how long it was exactly. "Why are you leaving?"
Greg clenched his jaw at this question, he knew that if he did ever talk to her before he left he would have to face this question. And as much as he would love to tell the truth he didn't think he could. Even if the truth wasn't as painful as the lie would be, he couldn't force himself to do it.
How long I'll wait just to say goodbye
You could never let me in
Holding on until the end
"I-" He began.
"Is this about the kiss?" She asked the wheels finally turning in her head.
Greg was speechless and could only nod in response to her question. He was sure he looked guilty from the look on his face. He looked in her eyes, her deep brown eyes that made him fall in love every time he looked at them. He felt his stomach tighten and he knew he couldn't lie to her anymore.
"It isn't just about the kiss Sara." He yelled over the rain.
"Then what is it?" She asked becoming impatient.
"About everything, the kiss, your boyfriend, my ignorance, and my feelings." The were standing apart now tension between them from the confessions.
"Why didn't you say anything to me?"
"What was I supposed to say, Sara?" Greg yelled stepping up to her, "I thought that kiss meant something. That it made me feel…everything." He held up his hand to calm himself down and looked away from her, "Did you want me to tell you how I saw you the next day, kissing him in the same spot. How I felt sick to my stomach."
"Greg…" She spoke softly but he didn't look at her.
"How I watched you two for the next two weeks and how he was always near, hovering over you. How much it hurt, and how much I didn't notice at the time." He looked at her, "Do you want to hear this? Want to hear just how much I know, and how much I think? I'll tell you then."
Sara stood motionless in front of Greg rain drops rolling down her face and falling off in drops and then splattering to the ground. Her hair was wet and matted and she was crying although it wasn't as obvious because of the rain mixing against it.
"At first I felt incompetent, I felt as if I wasn't good enough for you. But for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why. As the time went by I watched and I knew, he wasn't good enough for you, he still isn't good enough for you. I thought I could do better, treat you better, and love you better. You never saw that."
"Are you saying that you know what is right for me Greg?" She asked angrily.
He huffed and looked her in the eyes, his own burning wild with a fire full of passion and rage, swirling in mirthful depths. "No." Was his reply and it was almost silent, "I know that I'm not good enough for you because you deserve so much more than anyone could offer."
"Then why does it bother you?" She yelled exasperated.
"Because I've realized how in love I am with you!" He exclaimed.
Sara stared at him with a blank expression. He leaned forward towards her ear and whispered, "I love you so much that I don't know where to begin. That is why I have to leave. Staying here is killing me." Greg stepped back tears mixed with rain reflecting on his face also.
The time I waste just to say goodbye
Out of your way I could do this right
Can't see you anymore
Won't feel you anymore
Greg took another step away from her as his mind felt clearer, "Please understand that this is something that I have to do. To get over the fact that you don't love me in return." He had his hand on the handle of his car, "I just want you to be happy."
Before he could open his door Sara spoke up, "How is this making me happy?"
"I'll be out of your way and you can live happily with him, with your work and not be bothered by me or my sulking moods. I fear if I stay here now it will only get worse."
Sara moved towards him and he felt his whole body go stiff. The pain in his eyes was evident, he knew she could make him stay, but he also didn't know if he wanted her to or not. His fists were clenched tightly as a sign of his nervousness. She never noticed though, and came up next to him, both soaked to the bone.
How long I'll wait just to say goodbye
Leave it all, the fights and all
Summer's getting colder
Drive all night just to hold you tight
Back to California
She kissed him then, and he knew it would all be over because she had his heart, and with it could do whatever she wished, even if had been breaking it for the last three weeks. He felt a spark and he stood there her lips pressed against his and for the longest moment he didn't respond, but then he found himself being unable to resist. His arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her closer and he felt her arms rest around his neck as he kissed her back and the rain poured down around them.
They broke apart and he leaned in his forehead pressed against hers. He looked into her eyes, the pain that had been reflecting in them earlier seemed to leave. Suddenly he pulled away aware of what his actions had caused.
"I can't do this Sara. I just can't."
She looked at him confused, "Don't you understand, Greg?"
"Understand what? That you just kissed me and that maybe, it would make me stay! I can't stay! You don't love me, Sara." His last statement was simple as he turned his head away from her.
"Don't say that." Sara told him.
"It's the truth." He replied shortly.
"I may not love you Greg." She told him softly, "But I do feel something for you. Something that I can't explain but it is tearing me up inside."
"Then why are you dating him?" He asked trying to be calm.
"Because I chickened out alright! I'm a coward and I couldn't handle the situation." She looked at him, "The fact is from the time I met you I never saw as anything more than friends. I was scared after the kiss, scared of what could happen."
"Scared of me?" He asked hesitantly. She didn't responded soon enough for Greg and he continued, "Scared that I would cheat on you? Like he did. You know I would never hurt you…ever. But, he did, and for that I can't trust him with you. He hurt you and I know because I was there when you sulked and were down, I watched you suffer and couldn't do anything about it."
Sara bit her bottom lip almost speechless from his words. "You don't trust me Sara. I understand that, but I would at least thought you would have let me help. Just like I thought you would have told me about you dating Hank again because the fact was and still is that we kissed."
"Greg, I wanted to." She started, "I really wanted to, but what did you want me to say?"
"The truth." He responded his lips tight. "You didn't tell me and it ripped my heart out, you may have not noticed, but I felt myself die a little every minute of everyday for three weeks, until now. Because now you know, it is out in the open, and I can finally feel my chest for the first time since our first kiss."
"What do you want me to say now?" She asked at a loss of words and unable to comprehend what he wanted her to do about this.
"I want you to tell me that you'll let me go and let me get over this." He could feel his hands shaking as he stepped away from her. He pleaded with her using his eyes and he backed away.
Sara's jaw was clenched as she stared at him, the sadness returning to her eyes. The rain around them making it hard to see even from just a few feet apart. "I'm going to miss you." She told him before quickly turning around and walking quickly back to her car.
Greg sighed, the movement making his chest hurt.
Days went by we waited
And I guess we're getting older
We couldn't win in the end
You're gone
He got into his car as she pulled away and sat in silence for nearly five minutes. It took all of his will not to cry. He couldn't believe he just let her go. Part of him however, could. Starting his engine and turning on his windshield wipers and lights he backed out into the road, into the night, and into the rain.
Cranking the radio up he pressed his foot against the gas, his eyes blurry from the rain water dripping from his hair and then mixing with the tears and running down his face. He wasn't lying when he said the pain had been gone but, now it was back full force. His fists were clenched around the steering-wheel so tight that his knuckles were white. He glanced down at the speedometer before pressing down again on the peddle and turning onto the main highway.
Sara tossed her clothes quickly into her now nearing full bag. Her movements were hurried as she stuffed things in and grabbed a coat before locking the door to her apartment and running out. She stopped by the lab on the way to tell Grissom of her absence.
That is where she found him, sitting in his chair in his office. Nick, Warrick, and Catherine as well. She stopped in the doorway freezing for a moment as they all turned to face her, and for the first time she was able to see what they had all been staring at. The television sitting in the corner of the office.
Still soaking she stepped into the room, her movements echoed by silence as her eyes became glazed over. The voice sounded as the woman who sat behind the large desk spoke and a small screen appeared in the upper right corner.
"…the driver was taken to the hospital, it is not yet clear whether he will survive. Police say that the crash was purely accidental. The rain made the roads slippery as the victim Greg Sanders slid, and flipped his car into a guardrail before the car finally rolled over and landed in the embankment on the other side…"
Her lips trembled as she watched the screen, the tangled mess of bright yellow metal, flashing lights, and people rushing around filled her mind with horror. She felt the hands on her shoulder and glanced briefly to her right as she saw Catherine give her a sympathetic look and gave her should another gentle squeeze.
Tears filled her eyes as she fell against her co-worker. "It's all my fault." She whispered as Catherine embraced her and patted her back.
"No, no it isn't, Sara." Catherine told her.
"How is he?" She asked pulling away.
"Critical." Catherine responded gently, "C'mon, I'll take you to the hospital."
Sara nodded and didn't dare look anyone else in the eye as she walked out of the room and down to the locker room. She pulled out her coat and walked out of the room; turning one set of lights off as she went.
I'm miles away
Turning out the lights
Ten different ways I could end this night
Can't do this anymore
Won't feel you anymore
At that moment as she sat in the hospital next to Catherine she felt a terrible pain in her chest. As she looked up she saw Hank walking down the hall towards them. She turned her head away in shame, her head full of thoughts. This was her fault, if only she hadn't let him go. If she had just admitted that she wanted him, and only him. Maybe he would be next to her instead of lying on a hospital room operating table.
He loved her, and she rejected it for the fear of being hurt. Now the rejection she had caused could ultimately lead Greg to his own death. And it was all her fault. Hank sat next to her but she didn't say anything. Her body tensed as he touched her.
She was suddenly aware of how much he had hurt her in the past, and now, she let him back into her life, how was she supposed to know that he wasn't lying once again? She felt her stomach twist in knots. Footsteps made her look up and focus.
The doctor was walking towards them, his sleeves rolled up and his mask pulled down around his neck, the sweat was visible on his face and he wore a grim expression with pain in his eyes. And it was all her fault.