"We must rescue the Pope!" screamed Eniken Maxwalker as he hopped onto his scooter.
"Yes, but we will do it together," said his mentor, Obi-Wan Kenobi as he hopped onto his own scooter. He kept trying to teach Eniken patience, but Eniken was too powerful and wonderful for his own good. Just then two billion zombie spiders attached themselves to Obi-Wan's scooter, and he screamed and screamed. Luckily, Eniken was there, and with his sharp aim, he shot them all off!
"Eniken! You could have gotten me killed!" said that ungrateful bastard Obi-Wan.
"You ungrateful bastard!" screamed Eniken, slapping Obi-Wan with his scooter. Obi-Wan backhanded Eniken like the rude prick he was and scolded him for no reason!
"Don't use that tone and language in front of me, Maxwalker!" whined Obi-Wan.
Eniken seethed and said nothing, knowing that any form of reason would all be lost on Obi-Wan, because he was stupid and old.
Finally, they arrived at the spot where the Pope was being held captive by the evil wizard Saruman! Right when Eniken was about to free the Pope, Saruman showed up, flanked by two Wormtongues.
"I sense anger in you!" said Saruman to Eniken.
"NO WAY YOU THINK SO!" screamed Eniken at him. He and Obi Wan immediately attacked him, but like the useless old dodder he was, Obi Wan was knocked out of action almost immediately and lay to the side like a useless caddy! Eniken began swiftly twirling his lifesaver around and fought the evil powerful wizard one on one!
"You can never defeat me!" shouted Saruman.
"Oh yeah? Terrorize this!" said Eniken, as he knocked Saruman over.
"What are you talking about?" blubbered Saruman, who was senile as always.
"You're fantastic, Eniken! Kill him now!" said the Pope, beaming proudly at Eniken.
Eniken hesitated. He wanted to do anything for the Pope, but he didn't want to get his pristine gloves dirty.
"Come on, do you not remember the time he stole your mother's lunch money? Or the time he took the Balrog out on a date when he was supposed to train you in the ways of cloning?" said the Pope. "You deserve to kill him!"
"RAGE!" screamed Eniken, killing Saruman to ten billion spiky little bits. Suddenly, for no real good reason, the ship they were on began to fall apart. The leader of the ship, Alucard, screamed and launched himself out from the nearest escape pod.
"We must leave!" commanded the Pope.
"Ok!" said Eniken, trying to grab the still-useless Obi-Wan.
"Leave him!" said the Pope. "I don't like him anyway! He never received my blessing."
"I have to," said Eniken, slinging Obi-Wan over his shoulder. "He owes me money."
The Pope and Eniken stylishly made their way out, with no thanks to Obi-Wan. Later, when all the politicians were there, Obi-Wan tried to take the credit.
"NO! I SAVED EVERYONE! INCLUDING YOUR STUPID SKIN SO I DESERVE TO SPEAK WITH THEM!" screamed Enikin in his rage.
"That's ridiculous, everyone wants to talk to ME!" said the selfish Obi-Wan.
Enikin punched Obi-Wan senseless and ran off to talk to the politicians instead. Obi-Wan, like the jerk he is, told this to Pip Bernadette, who decided to punish Enikin by not making him an elder.
"Obi-Wan is holding me back!" said Eniken to himself. "They know my full potential, and they don't want me becoming more powerful. Selfish bastards!"
He went to go see his wife, who was the most beautiful lady in the whole entire galaxy and universe! He saw her standing in her office, combing her lovely hair.
"You are so beautiful!" he said, making kissy noises at her.
"That's because I'm in love!" said Integral, his wife, throwing her arms around him. "By the way, I'm pregnant! Thank you so much for fathering my children! No woman could ask for more than you and your genes!" She kissed his hand in gratitude.
He nobly patted her on the head. "It's my honor to spread progeny around with you!" he said.
Eniken stooped down to kiss his lovely wife, but she pulled back.
"Don't! People will see!" she said. Eniken understood. If people saw them sharing a passionate kiss, they might die of jealousy! And Eniken didn't want that!
"I will go see the Pope," said Eniken importantly. "He understands me more than stupid Obi-Wan!"
"NOOO ENIKEN IM DYING" screamed Integral.
Eniken woke up from the sudden dream he had.
"What happened?" shouted Eniken.
"You fell asleep all of a sudden," said Integral! "What's wrong? Are you keeping something from me? Like that last time you had chocolate in your pocket and you wouldn't tell me and you ate it secretly but didn't share so it finally melted and left a gooey stain on the chair that Obi-Wan sat on and then everyone thought he had an accident?"
"No! NO!" said Eniken. "I can't tell you!"
"I thought we weren't keeping secrets from each other anymore!" said Integral, beginning to sob. She looked so beautiful even when she was crying!
Eniken held her close. How could he let her know that he didn't tell her things for her own good? He would so gladly sacrifice his own happiness to keep hers! He didn't want to expose her to the dark things of this galaxy! "I dreamt you were dying!" he said sadly.
Integral immediately stopped crying. "That's silly!" she said, laughing. Humming to herself, she went away.
"I knew it! No one understands me!" sobbed Eniken, storming out to find the Pope, who understood him.
"Eniken seems preoccupied!" said Doc3PO, the droid who hung around their room for no explainable reason and blurted out obvious things from time to time.
"adfKGASDFKJaklsflasdf," said AnderD2, who didn't do much but bother Eniken with his uselessness.
Eniken strode majestically into the Pope's chambers. The Pope smiled and nodded knowingly at Eniken.
"You should join me," said the Pope.
"You mean... you're a Catholic?" screamed Eniken, horrified
"Only I have healing hands!" the Pope explained as they watched his screensaver. "I know you want healing hands too, to be able to save your wife!"
"What?" gasped Eniken. "You must know all!"
"Yes. Join me now, Eniken! Join me, and I shall make you Archbishop!" The Pope proceeded to tell a long story about the Archbishop with healing hands.
When Eniken woke up from the boring story, he said, "I am so powerful, but I wish to be more so! Can I learn to be like that?"
"You can, but not from a heathen!" said the Pope.
Eniken swallowed, trying to decide. But he was noble and magnanimous, so he knew he had to help out his old friends one more time. "I will turn you in!" he said, walking away grandly, his form striding away with great strides.
He quickly ran to Pip Bernadette in no time, and told him the whole story.
"Don't be stupid!" said Pip Bernadette snottily. "But to see if you're right, I will go talk to the Pope myself!"
"But you have to believe me!" said Eniken, devastated. What had he ever done to deserve this?
"I might just trust you if you're right. But for now, I will deal with things," said Pip Bernadette.
"Please let me go!" said Eniken. "I only want to help!" He only wanted to help!
"No," said Pip Bernadette rudely like the rude Frenchman he was! Rude! He took three members of the Wild Geese with him and they disappeared into their ship. Eniken stood watching, sadly, his hair blowing dramatically around him, as they left him. Why? He had only ever tried to be noble and help! WHY? WHY DID NO ONE APPRECIATE HIM?
He ran all the way to Integra's room. "Something is wrong, I know it," she sobbed, clinging tightly to him for protection, like they all did. "Hold me like you did back then! Hold me like when we were just in love! Hold me, hold me, never let me go until you've told me, told me…"
He gently shushed her incessant babbling. "I will take care of this," he promised to her, and himself, and the world!
Eniken ran to his own friend. Which wasn't Obi-Wan! He ran to the Pope, who was dying in the hands of Pip Bernadette!
"NO!" screamed Maxwalker. "Pip Bernadette, what are you doing?"
"I need to kill this man! He is evil!" said Pip Bernadette. Who was the evil one now?
"NO! I WILL NOT ALLOW IT!" said Maxwalker! He chopped off Pip Bernadette's braid and arm with one graceful swing!
Pip Bernadette screamed like a pansy, and the Pope kicked him out the window!
"YES! YES! GOOD FOR YOU!" said the Pope, giving Eniken a kudos bar as Pip Bernadette disappeared into a tiny pinprick.
"What have I done?" Eniken sobbed, sinking to a chair as guilt overwhelmed his naturally soft and gentle heart.
"You have now earned position of Archbishop," said the Pope, solemnly dubbing him as Eniken knelt.
"Thank you," said Eniken. He could feel a new light filling his entire being. So this was what it felt like to be powerful and Catholic! At last, his potential now had an outlet! He would spread the Catholicism throughout the galaxy!
The Pope went around ordering the execution of all the heathenous scoundrels! Including Obi-Wan! Eniken was glad, because he was tired of that bastard!
Eniken killed everyone who stood in the Pope's way! And when he returned home to his wife, she was scared for his beauty!
"Eniken! I heard horrible things about you!" sobbed Integral.
"What? Is the National Enquirer on my case again?" shouted Eniken.
"No, I got a phone call from Obi-Wan! He and Father Renaldo are on vacation, remember?" said Integral. She sobbed into her hands. "They said… they said you became CATHOLIC!"
In the meantime, Obi-Wan was not having a very fun vacation because that wussy pussy Alucard crashed it. Those two useless old dolts began to go at it, Obi-Wan with one lifesaver and Alucard with four (that greedy bastard!). Then, a bunch of clones turned on Obi-Wan and started shooting him with rocket launchers. That guy wasn't having a very good day, but he probably deserved it.
Father Renaldo, meanwhile, was vacationing in Wookie Country, enjoying the sights when Catholic clones tried to attack him too. He probably deserved it too!
Just then, a lot of people attacked Father Renaldo. He cheated and killed them with his Powers of Cheating +2.
Faterhr Reandlo thendecided to attack the Pope! OMG WHAT A BASTARD11!1
Eniken was contemplating the facts of life when Integral appeared again. He thought he was alone on his Island of Loneliness!
"Eniken! Obi-Wan told me something horrible! Is it true! You killed children?" screamed Integral.
"Obi-Wan is trying to turn you against me! The world is trying to turn against me!" shouted Eniken. He was alone in this world. They were all jealous because of his great power and potential! They were jealous of his good looks, his mad hair, and his lovely wife! They were jealous of his lifesaver, and his connections with the Pope! No one understood him! He had only killed the children because they tried to bite his knees!
"argjhkruiewo!" said the useless AnderD2 uselessly, uselessly rolling away.
Integra cried as hot tears streamed down her lovely face. "I won't die! Come back to me!"
"No the Pope has sent me on a mission to Mordor to kill Separatists. I will see you later. Have dinner ready!" He strode away, looking manly and handsome, such a tall, beautiful, tragic figure. He looked so stunning and gorgeous that Integral couldn't help but follow him to Mordor.
"Everything is falling apart!" said Doc3PO bluntly.
Meanwhile, Obi-Wan annoyingly refused to die, and he swam around until he was silently picked up by Captain Organa. They plotted about what to do while Renaldo fought the Pope.
Obi-Wan decided to do what he wanted to do. He didn't care about anybody else but himself! He just wanted to show off in front of Integral and make Eniken look bad!
Eniken was off being manly when he turned and saw Obi-Wan posing in front of him. What a show-off!
"You! You fiend!" screamed Eniken, horrified. Obi-Wan was trying to steal his wife!
Such a breach of confidence was unforgivable! With his powerfully wide might and force, he began trying to strangle Integral.
"Noooo," she sobbed. "You're breaking my heart! I can't live without you! You're going down a path I can't follow! I can't survive without you to fill the void in my heart! I need you like everyone needs you! You are the only thing worth living for! What do I have without you! I can't be away from the light of your presence!"
"I only kill you because I love you!" said Eniken. How noble!
"Let her go!" said Obi-Wan, starting to fight him. What audacity!
Meanwhile, Father Renaldo and the Pope were fighting in the Vatican, hurling pews at one another.
The Pope nearly won, but Father Renaldo ran away. The coward! Coward Renaldo decided to go into exile because he was too ashamed to face the Catholic glory that was the holy Pope!
Eniken and Obi-Wan fought and fought, but Obi-Wan cheated just like Father Renaldo and started hurling fireballs at Eniken, singing his beautiful hair. Eniken screamed as his hair caught on fire.
"I HATE YOU OBI-WAN! I HATE YOU!" screamed Eniken, as he clutched his burning locks in sorrow and dismay.
"I loved you, Eniken!" said Obi-Wan. The fag!
"Raaaaaaarghfdlkskja!" said Eniken, screaming as the fire ate its fiery, vicious way through his lovely, precious locks of hair. The flames began to snake their way down and take his manly limbs off too. No!
"You were the Chosen One!" screamed Obi-Wan. Well, DUH, everyone knew that! Why did he have to keep blithering about it! Then that cheating cheater ran away with his beauteous Integral!
Most men would have died at this point, but Eniken was not most men. He was ten million times stronger than most men.
The Pope decided to make Eniken a saint by giving him a Saint Upgrade 4000.
"Where is Integral?" asked Eniken, when he came to in his mighty upgrade armor!
"You killed her, Eniken!" said the Pope.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo…" screamed Eniken.
The Pope went to Mass, had a couple of holy wafers, read through all five Harry Potter books, memorized the Bible, copied down all the Lord of the Rings books by hand, went to Mass again, posted in his LJ, ate dinner, gave the Vatican two coats of paint, and then walked back to the room where Eniken was.
"…OoOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOO" Eniken was still wailing. This just goes to show you how deeply profound his emotions were!
The Pope shook his head. He understood Enikin's pain! He was the only person who could understand the complexity of Enikin's deep emotions!
Enikin folded his arms in his resolve to serve the Pope forever. He stood faithfully next to him!
In the meantime, Integral popped out two beautiful, healthy, happy babies (with Eniken's genes, how could they not be!). She looked at them, as one last reminder of her dearly beloved Eniken, then said, "Eniken is the best person in the entire world!" Then she died, because no one in this galaxy can survive without Eniken once they learn what it's like to be in the glory of his presence. As for the babies, who cares? Captain probably stole one, that whoremonger. He'd always wanted a child, but his salmon didn't swim upstream. They held a nice heathen funeral for Integral. Everyone was happy and stuff.
THE END!