Mace and I went to a small diner on the lower levels and we each ordered a cup of Jawa juice - I had been hungry before we spoke, but his words had caused my appetite to slip away. I sat and nervously turned my cup, afraid to meet his eyes. He had a very intense gaze, and the knowledge he'd promised was something I wasn't sure I was ready for.
" Callia," he said, for by then he had learned my name, too. My name - and my mother's name. When he knew that I had been named for her, I was sure that he had indeed known my parents, that he was telling the truth. I looked up.
" How did you know my parents?" I asked quietly, bracing myself. I felt as if I was about to witness both of their deaths - that I would then truly have to let any hope of belonging somewhere go. In my childhood dreams I had envisioned a tall, handsome father who would come and save me from the ranks of unwanted children, take me back to his palace in the clouds and tell me that the people at the orphanage were kidnappers who had lied to me - that my mother was actually alive and waiting for me at home. And then I would see her standing on the landing pad as we arrived, jump out and run to her arms - she was always very beautiful, in my daydreams, and teary-eyed at the sight of her long lost daughter.
Of course these dreams had faded with the years, but the little girl inside of me who had kept them alive mourned their loss on the day I learned the truth.
" Your father was Corellian," Mace began. " I see that you are wearing the crest of the Republic's flight academy," he said, nodding to my uniforms. He smiled, " Your father was also a pilot."
I had to put my head in my hands to steady myself - so this was where all my dreams of flying had come from? Could aspirations be inherited like hair color?
" What did he look like?" I asked, raising my head.
" He had dark blue eyes like yours," Mace remembered, " But his hair was very dark - black. Your mother - except for her brown eyes - was your spitting image." He shook his head. " Sometimes one must really marvel at genetics."
I thought of Boba and his alleged resemblance to Jango - he's like Jango back from the dead, one of the hunters at the Tavern had said. Was it our shared fate to become the parents we so resembled?
" Your mother," he continued when I said nothing, " Was from Alderran - you'll find plenty of Antilles, there," he said, " It's a common name - I can even think of a few prominent politicians named Antilles," he told me, explaining why Ipa had reacted the way she had when I told her my name.
" Her family was honorable but poor, and she had never been off of Alderran before she met your father," he said. " Your father, on the other hand, came from a very prominent Corellian family. He joined the army when he finished school, and traveled to many planets on duty, Alderran among them. Your mother's family worked in shoe repair - they met while he was having a pair of boots mended." I couldn't help but return his smile when he said this.
" She was very beautiful, and while he was stationed on Alderran, your father courted her. This was all before I met him, so I'm afraid I can't tell you any details," he apologized. I shrugged, though inwardly I would have liked to hear about this happier part of their lives. Being a Jedi, I suspected Mace had more to do with their demise than their courtship and marriage.
" How did you come to meet them?" I asked, taking a small sip of my juice. My stomach didn't feel as if it could handle much more than that.
" After they married, your father was promoted to Special Services and stationed on Corusaunt," Mace explained. " He was assigned to pilot myself and another Jedi to a diplomatic mission on Bog 9 - there was a local dispute that some of us feared involved the Sith, and so myself and another Jedi went to survey the situation." He paused for a weighty moment, his eyes shifting from mine. " You may know my former partner on that mission now as Count Dooku."
" Dooku," I muttered, a chill moving through me - it was a name I had heard often at the Academy. " Isn't he the leader of the Separatist movement?"
" One of them," Mace answered dubiously. " Of course we didn't realize his eventual intentions at the time, or even when he asked to leave the Order. Dooku was and is a powerful Jedi, and was able to cloak his true motives well."
I held back a scoff - what good was the famous Jedi intuition if it was so easily confused by the most dangerous enemy - their own kind?
" So Dooku killed my father?" I asked, a rage growing inside me.
" Not then," Mace told me, in his voice a gentle apology. " And even later, not by his own hand. But, yes, he was eventually responsible for your father's death."
The first hints of tears crept into my eyes and though I knew he was not to blame, I had the urge to throw my remaining Jawa Juice into Mace's kind face. So a Jedi had destroyed my father, too. I longed for Boba then - I wanted to weep at his feet, tell him he was right, he was right.
" Would you like me to go on?" Mace asked, sensing that I was becoming upset, maybe even hostile. I nodded slowly, not trusting my voice.
" During this mission," he continued. " Your father took me aside and asked me if I knew that Dooku left his quarters on the ship late at night to communicate on the holovid. I told him I was not aware of this, and asked him if he had noticed who Dooku had been speaking to. He said he had not, but that he could give me a record of the holovid calls that were made during the trip once we returned to Corasaunt."
" And Dooku overheard?" I asked, my voice small.
" He must have," Mace said. " I was curious about these holovid conversations he was having, but problems with the ship the next day on our return took these thoughts from me."
" What happened?" I asked.
" There was a great explosion," Mace continued explaining, " On the starboard side of the ship. Within moments the entire ship was on fire, and we were going down in flames. I began the meditative trance a Jedi enters when he knows death is certain - but it was not yet my time. Your father was somehow able to land the ship - I'll never know how, I doubt even the best Jedi pilots could pull off a maneuver like that in such conditions."
" Even Anakin Skywalker?" I teased, feeling proud of my father. I saw the slightest hint of a smile on Mace's face, but it was quickly gone.
" Once we landed," he said, " We were able to abandon the craft before it was completely destroyed by the flames. So, in making that emergency landing, your father saved not only my life, but Dooku's as well."
" I don't understand, then," I said, " How could he kill my father if he saved his life?"
" For Dooku, protecting his plans and the identity of the person he spoke to on the holovid was more important than the tremendous debt he owed your father," Mace said. " He did not even risk personally going after your father," Mace told me, " He hired a bounty hunter to do it."
I had been anticipating a weighty conversation, but those words made the floor drop out from beneath my feet - I lost my breath, and slid drunkenly from the booth as they sunk in. Mace frowned and watched me with his calm stare as I fumbled from our table.
" Ms. Antilles?" he said, " What's wrong?"
" I have to get some air," I choked out, stumbling toward the door of the diner and crashing into a large, hairy creature on the way out. It growled at me, annoyed, but I didn't care - I had broken out into a cold sweat - was it possible?
Was it possible that Boba's father had been hired to kill mine?
As Mace made his way out of the diner, I tried to put the pieces together. Boba had said Jango was killed by Jedi while working for a diplomat. Would he consider Dooku a diplomat? Dooku was certainly someone who, around the time of Jango's death, would have been a great enemy to the Jedi.
" Are you alright?" Mace asked me, standing beside me outside. In the clear light of day that streamed down to the lower levels through the mammoth buildings that clogged the planet, my breath returned to me, but my heart was still pounding in my ears.
" I'm sorry," I muttered, " It's a lot to take in." I could never explain to him my dilemma - that even if it hadn't been Jango himself, the inadvertent fondness I'd come to feel for bounty hunters was forever destroyed, and I felt completely betrayed by my own foolish notion of having understood them, my own naïve compassion and allowances for what they did.
" Perhaps we could meet another time," he suggested, " And I could tell you - the rest." I knew what the rest meant - the end of my parents' lives. I shook my head.
" No," I said, " I need to hear this now."
" Fine," Mace said with an understanding nod. " Then we will return to the Jedi Council's headquarters, where we can find peace in one of the gardens - it was irresponsible of me to lay something like this on you in such a place," he glanced back at the bustling diner. " I should have known my words would choke the air easily from such a room - I'm sorry. Will you join me in a calmer setting?"
I nodded - by then I trusted him, and I would have gone even if I didn't. I simply had to know.
When we reached the Council's headquarters, the sun had risen high in the dull city sky - it was already mid-afternoon. We entered the giant building and almost immediately a padawan jogged over and begged Mace's attention.
" I'm sorry Edward," he said, " But I have a rather pressing appointment with his young lady here." He gestured to me and I was flattered - put aside official Jedi business to chat with the daughter of an old friend? He must feel so indebted to my father, I realized, for saving his life. I wondered if it was terribly embarrassing for a Jedi to be rescued by a lay person - especially since years had passed before he'd realized that Dooku had been deliberately surpressing his senses.
" But Master Windu," the padawan said, respectful but insistent, " It is Master Yoda who calls on you, and he tells me it's a matter of great importance." He gave Mace a look that conveyed a name: Skywalker. Mace turned to me as I sensed this and frowned, and I almost wanted to apologize for having guessed correctly.
" Alright," Mace said with a great sigh, " But Edward, if you would, please take Ms. Antilles here to the Water Garden on the fourth floor." He turned to me. " I won't be long," he said.
" Take your time," I said, my emotions settling in the peaceful environment of the Jedi headquarters. Everything inside the building seemed so respectful and clean - as if dust wouldn't dare settle on the habitat of Jedi. " You've been so kind and patient with me - I can wait a bit."
" I'll join you shortly, then," he said, walking off. I looked to the padawan, Edward. He watched Mace go, and then glanced back at me.
" Would it be rude if I asked what business you have with Master Windu?" he asked.
" Yes," I answered. He half-smiled and flicked his head toward the elevator.
" The garden is this way," he said, and I followed him. He had the typical padawan haircut - awfully dorky, I'd always thought, that braid was just begging to be tugged on by a bully. And the Jedi trainees always looked a bit susceptible to the teasing of bullies - maybe it was their outwardly placid demeanor, but they seemed like sissy boys. I giggled inwardly at my thoughts, knowing they were only the product of Boba's many lectures about the worthlessness of their kind.
" Is something funny?" Edward asked as we rode the elevator up to the fourth floor. I shook my head and looked at my feet. It was rude of me - I did respect what he had dedicated his life to, this boy - peace before lightsaber duels, but duels before injustice. He wasn't tall - barely taller than me - had ghostly pale skin and fine dark hair. He looked like such a boy - the bulge of the lightsaber at his hip was a striking contrast to his young face and nervous stature.
" So you're in the military," he said, when we stepped off onto the fourth floor. " Is that the crest of the flight school?"
" Yes," I said, " I've almost graduated."
He nodded, " Me too," he said, " From my training, that is."
" Really?" I said, surprised, " But you look so young." I would have bitten my tongue with anyone else, but I was not afraid to offend a Jedi - especially this padawan.
" Yes," he said, his face growing somber, " They're moving us along more quickly in our training now. To prepare for -"
" The war," I said.
" The threat of war," he corrected pompously.
" The war is inevitable," I told him, my tone equally grandiose.
He looked at me like he was disappointed. " There is always hope," he said. We reached a pair of glass doors that looked in on what looked like a brilliant array of natural waterfalls. He pressed a pad near the doors and they slid open gracefully, the sound of water rushing toward us as we entered.
" Its beautiful," I said, forgetting my politics for a moment as I glanced around. The walls of the room were scuplted to look like natural rock formations, and waterfalls, large and small, were tumbling down from their crests into sparkling ponds and a small creek. In the middle of the room there was a beautiful tiled pool, complete with an ornate fountain rising from the center. On the wall that faced the outside of the building there was a gigantic window, through which streamed in sunbeams of a deep yellow - the sun was just beginning to sink outside.
The sound of the rushing water was incredibly soothing. I took a seat in a garden area filled with small blue flowers, and Edward stood awkwardly beside me, his hands clasped behind his back.
" Thank you for showing me the way," I said. " It was nice to meet you," I added, when he didn't take the hint, that I wanted to be alone in that peaceful place.
" Perhaps I'll wait with you," he said, " I don't have class for another hour." I rolled my eyes while his were on the clear water cascading from the walls.
" You don't care for the Jedi, do you?" he asked, not looking at me, for which I was grateful since my cheeks burned quickly red. Caught, I thought. I couldn't let my guard down around these super-sensitive aura readers, I kept forgetting.
" Its not that I don't care for them," I said with a sigh, " Its hard to explain. Maybe if you prod further into my mind you can understand, hmm?" I jabbed.
He looked at me. " I wasn't reading your thoughts," he said, " I'm nowhere near that powerful yet. Its just a feeling I get from you. Plus," he added, " I saw you roll your eyes."
" Oh," I muttered, embarrassed.
" A lot of people are becoming skeptical about the usefulness of the Jedi Order these days," he said, " Those who are defecting to the dark side have given us a bad name."
" Skywalker," I said, wondering why they were all so reluctant to come out and say it.
Edward looked at me, perturbed but almost scared at the same time. " I'm not supposed to talk about him," he said, his voice low.
Bored with his obedience, I looked away, and wondered what else the Jedi were keeping from the public's knowledge. Had they secreted away news about a break-in, an attempted assassination? Or a successful one? Would they have punished the intruder privately and not have breathed a word about the lapse in their security? Would it be better to be punished by Jedi than by the government - or worse? I shuddered - I believed that I would know if something had happened to Boba, know it in my soul if not my mind. But, after all - I was no Jedi.
" Hmm," I said, an idea forming. " This seems like such a safe place . . ."
" It is," Edward quickly assured me. " The Jedi Council headquarters is the safest place in the galaxy."
" Is that so," I muttered, pretending to be only casually interested, " You've never had problems with outsiders? I know that the Jedi are peaceful, but they are still very political, and you must have enemies."
" I don't deny that," Edward muttered, " But I have complete confidence in our security here."
" Really," I said, remembering something I'd heard when I was a girl on Corinth, in the newspapers or in idle gossip I couldn't recall. " I heard there was an assassination attempt here at one time, years ago."
Edward frowned. " I'm not supposed to talk about her, either," he muttered. When I scoffed, he gave in: " Well," he said, " While we were hosting a senator, yes. A bounty hunter was sent after her by a political advisory - it would have happened whether she was at the Council's headquarters or not, but because she was here we managed to stop it, and the bounty hunter was apprehended."
I had to remind myself that this had all happened almost ten years ago as my heart rate increased - the players in the story just seemed a little too familiar.
" And killed?" I asked of the bounty hunter. Edward's face changed - he seemed newly annoyed by my questioning.
" Not by a Jedi, I heard," he said.
" Sure," I muttered in return.
" Would you object to a murderer's death?" he asked.
" The hunter was just doing his job," I said, surprised at my words - I regretted them as soon I heard them leave my lips. Edward blanched.
" It is a dishonorable career," he said, giving me a strange look.
" Why?" I asked, my mind trying to tell my mouth to shut up, but unable to stop myself, " Because they are told who to kill, and rewarded for it? How different are the Jedi?"
" We are at least instructed to avoid violence whenever possible!" Edward said, trying to keep his cool, but slipping.
" So are they, if their bounty is wanted alive," I snapped almost inadvertently. Edward let the argument drop there, and I immediately felt ashamed of what I'd said - a bounty hunter had killed my own father, and I was still defending their trade. I was disgusted with myself.
" Forgive me for speaking so candidly," I said, looking at my feet. " You are free to think me naïve, of course."
" You may think the same of me," Edward said, more composed now - he must have meditated in his silence, I thought, resisting another roll of my eyes.
" After all," he said, " The Jedi Academy is all I have known since I was six years old - perhaps I am biased. Only a fool rejects the opportunity to look at something from a different point of view and consider both alternatives."
" Well said, Edward," Mace said suddenly, and we both looked up in surprise to find him standing at the foot of the small garden.
" Master Windu -" he began, taken by surprise. " I'm sorry for keeping your guest -"
" Don't apologize," Mace said with a warm smile, " I was enjoying your debate."
" Yes," Edward said, his pale skin reddening under the Jedi Master's gaze,
" So was I." He glanced back at me and I looked away, annoyed - was he trying to flirt with me?
" Now," Mace said, taking a seat on a bench opposite the one I sat on, while I burned with embarrassment at the idea that he had heard my impassioned argument for the innocence of bounty hunters. " I have a promise to keep to Ms. Antilles, and, Edward, I believe you have navigation class?"
" Yes, Master," he said with a nod, turning to leave. " It was a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Antilles," he called over his shoulder as he trotted off. I turned back to Mace, who was grinning.
" He seems a bit taken with you," he said.
" I don't know why," I said, shaking my head. " I've just made an incredible fool of myself."
" How so?" Mace asked, frowning.
" Didn't you hear me?" I asked, " It was as if I was forgiving the man who murdered my father."
" And that's a bad thing?" Mace asked. " The ability to forgive ones' enemies is a quality only the noblest of the Jedi Master truly posses."
" Well I have no aspirations to become a Jedi Master," I said, my eyes filling, " I only want to honor my father's memory."
" So you have," Mace said, " By letting your anger for the man who took him from you go."
" I'm not sure I have exactly," I said, wiping tears from my eyes. It wasn't that simple.
Mace leaned forward a bit, studying me. " I sense a great conflict in you," he said, " Perhaps you need to hear the rest of the story."
" Yes," I said, looking up at him, " Please."
" During the mission, and after your father saved my life," he began again, " We became friends. While we were away, he spoke fondly of his life on Corasaunt - he often said he'd rather live in a more natural place, but that anyplace where his wife would follow him was good enough." He smiled, " He truly loved your mother, and I do believe he ached for each day that he was away from her."
I know how he felt, I thought, thinking of my time spent in the cave on Geonosis, after Boba left. Nothing but hard rock walls and all the softness you knew so far away.
" What was he like?" I asked, my voice low and careful not to break into tears again, " Besides a loving husband."
" He was shrewd and courageous," Mace told me, " Not many, in those days, were bold enough to question the actions of a Jedi."
I wanted Mace to tell me everything, things I was sure he didn't know - what was his favorite color? Did he love flying, or was it just a job to him? Did he want children - did he know about the pregnancy - had he anticipated me with baited breath before he was killed?
This last question, I realized, he may be able to answer. But would he tell me the truth? I hoped he wasn't sugar-coating my father's memory for my sake.
" Tell me about his bad qualities," I said quickly, before really considering whether I wanted to know them or not, " He won't seem real if I only know his merits."
" Well," Mace said, " He did pick his teeth after eating, which I found to be rather rude." I laughed. " And he could be rather commanding - perhaps it was only my pride as a Jedi that took offense to this, but he liked to be the one calling the shots." Mace chuckled to himself, " I think he sometimes believed me to be a bumbling philosopher more than a light-saber wielding defender of the galaxy, to tell you the truth."
Hmm, I thought to myself, I couldn't agree more, Dad. The tears I'd been trying to fight down returned as I thought of all I'd missed with him - not least of all the chance to poke fun of the Jedi together. I imagined my mother in the background, shaking her head at us and trying not to smile.
" And my mother," I said, sniffling, " You did say you eventually met her?"
" Yes," Mace said, " I was fortunate enough to be able to spend some time with them on Corasaunt before Dooku made his move. He knew that if he acted too quickly I would become suspicious, but he must have been watching us closely, waiting for the subject of his late night holovid conversations to be again broached. But, when he returned, your father learned of your mother's pregnancy, and this was an ample distraction."
Mace smiled, " I remember when he came to visit me at headquarters, wearing his dress uniform with all the bells and whistles - we presented him with a medal for helping to bring home a pair of Jedi safely. He invited me on the day of his medal presentation to a dinner he and his wife were having in honor of his return - and also to officially announce the forthcoming addition to the family - you, his unborn daughter."
I found it hard to believe that I had ever existed at the same time as my parents - even as a clump of cells with a mouse's beating heart. I couldn't conceive of a time when the two universes we'd lived in - barely missing each other - had been one.
" So you met my mother on the night of the dinner?" I asked, even more timid with her memory than I had been with my father's.
" I did," Mace said with a nod, " She was like a newborn star - glowing as if she were the brightest in the sky. It was the news of her coming child that had her in such good spirits - though she never got to meet you, you were still the happiest thing in her life."
" No," I said, shaking my head, the tears flowing freely, " I was the worst thing in her life - I was her death."
Mace shook his head. " How can you say this?" he said, " Dooku was her killer, not you." I looked up at him with a teary grimace.
" Didn't you know?" I choked out, " She died of complications during childbirth." Mace's eyes fell.
" Yes," he said softly, " Complications brought on by the malnorishment of her broken heart last days of her life. She would have passed whether she was in labor or not, and the mere fact that she was able to hold on long enough to conceive is a miracle."
" What?" I said, wiping away handfuls of tears.
" Dooku had waited almost six months to send his assassin," Mace explained, " So the murder would not be easily connected with the incident on the moons of Bogden. The bounty hunter's job was simple – he attached an explosive to your father's ship, and when he turned on the engines the next day, his life was over, and the records of Dooku's holovid calls were destroyed."
" But no one knew that it was Dooku who had done it?" I asked, my voice weak.
Mace shook his head. " The hunter who destroyed his ship did a good job of making it look like an accident, and it was only years later, when Dooku revealed himself as a traitor, that I realized Dooku must have been involved. At the time he was just leaving the Order, and we all assumed he was seeking quiet retirement, not political upheaval.
" And my mother?" I asked, unable to look at him, my head in my hands.
" She could not handle your father's death," Mace told me. " She was young, and almost nine months pregnant. His family, who had frowned on his marriage to a common girl, would not support her, and she knew that her own family, though willing, would not be able to afford another mouth to feed. Distraught, she left the planet. I assume she had this orphanage in mind when she departed. It does not surprise me that she died shortly after you were born – when I saw her at your father's funeral she was already a hollow shell, destroyed by his death."
" Mace?" I squeaked, my voice tired from having spoken more in one day than I had in a long time. " Could we please stop here? I don't think - I don't think I can hear anymore today."
His face fell. " Forgive me," he said, " I'm afraid I'm used to being rather insensitive - it is the way of the Jedi, trained not to let our emotions get in the way. I should not have spoken so plainly -"
" No," I said, " I thank you for your honesty. I wanted to know what happened to my parents, and now I do. Dooku murdered them, destroyed their lives." I stood up to leave.
" Callia," he said, standing, " I can't tell you how much it pleases me that we were able to meet - when I saw you on the tour this morning your resemblance to your mother struck me, and I could hardly believe what my senses were telling me until my eyes fell on the name Antilles on your uniform - that you were the adult daughter of my old friends, alive and perfectly healthy. It means that my friends did not die in vain - their souls are surely resting in peace because of your well-being. I hope you will be able to take some comfort in the fact that you inherited the genes of two very strong people."
I nodded; I didn't know what else to say. I felt proud that I'd come from what had once been a loving family and not from the drifting loser that I'd once imagined my mother to be. At the same time I felt newly cheated - if only they'd lived, my whole life would have been different. I freshly understood Boba's drive to find his father's killer, though I knew I could never be so bold. What hope did I have of vanquishing Count Dooku?
" I find it interesting that you have chosen your father's profession," Mace said as we left the water garden and headed for the elevators, " Also interesting that, as a member of the Republic's Army, you will be fighting against Dooku and his cause. I'm sure you are marveling at this, too - the clarity of the choices you made, before you even knew that your father was a pilot or that one of the Separatist's leaders personally wronged your family."
" It is a coincidence," I said, " A happy one," I added, trying not to sound too pessimistic.
" Some people believe that each of us has a destiny," Mace said, " If I ever saw proof of this theory I believe you might be it." We boarded the elevators and rode down to the first floor - I thought about destiny. My ambition for flight, Boba's eagerness to climb into his father's armor.
" Do you subscribe to this theory?" I asked him. He tilted his head thoughtfully.
" I'm not sure," Mace said, " Not long ago many of the Jedi did, when we were searching for the one who would bring balance to the force."
" I heard that it was once believed that Skywalker would be the one," I said, the conversation turning again to the forbidden subject. " Have the Jedi rejected the idea of destiny now that he has disappointed them?" I asked boldly.
" We're not sure he's disappointed us yet," Mace said without looking at me, and the elevator doors slid open. We walked to the front entrance, and through the enormous glass doors I could see that the sun sinking in the sky. Mace and I stepped out and looked up between the skyscrapers at the sinking orange ball.
" I hope it was nothing too serious," I said, " When you were called away by Master Yoda before."
Mace shook his head. " No wars have begun today," he answered.
" Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't fear the coming war," I said, realizing it only as the words left my lips. Mace gave me a concerned look.
" And why don't you?" he asked.
" I have nothing to loose," I admitted. " My parents' souls might not be so completely appeased as you might think, I'm afraid. Their daughter has wasted her life."
" How can you say this?" Mace asked, " You are fighting for a cause they would certainly believe in - your career as a pilot would make your father very proud - and it should make you very proud of yourself, as well."
" You wouldn't understand," I said, shaking my head, not really wanting to explain to a stuffy Jedi Master how empty my life had felt since I'd lost my bounty hunter lover. " And anyway," I added, " It doesn't matter. I don't believe in souls."
Mace smiled. " Well," he said, " As I was explaining before - beliefs about these sort of things do change."
I thanked him again for taking the time to tell me about my parents, and he invited me to come back to the headquarters sometime and visit him.
Yeah right, I thought as I walked away, but then I thought about how lonely I'd been for all the months I'd been in training - it wouldn't hurt to have a friend, even if he was a Jedi.
When I got back to the Academy, after checking in I immediately headed for the deserted asteroid field simulator. The training computers were all quiet and unused - the other candidates were out at the cities' bars having fun with their friends, or in the residential areas of the planet, visiting family.
I didn't have any friends. I didn't have any family - and now I knew who had taken them from me.
I sat down at one of the computers and booted up the asteroid field simulation on the most difficult level. I set my ammunition levels at zero.
It took me all night to clear the course with no gun power, and by the wee hours of the morning I was going on eighteen hours with no food, six hours straight of having asteroids bombarded at me while I thought of Dooku's smug face, my father's last breath with a bounty hunter's pistol to his forehead, my mother's tearstained cheeks as she ran, ran, ran though it was impossible.
By the time the sun came up, I was in such a trance that I barely knew the asteroid field I was navigating was a simulation. Perhaps this was the reason that I began besting the program every time.
I graduated from the flight school a month later - making me a full pilot in the Republic's dwindling but proud army. With no graduation test to train endlessly for, those of us who had earned our wings felt as if we were inching toward the edge of a bottomless chasm - now any training we did would be for war, for our own survival and for the survival of democracy.
And for myself, to put an end to all the wrong Dooku and his followers had done - I was sure that my parents weren't the only people who had ever gotten in the way and had to be brushed aside.
Before the war had began, though, all we could do was patrol the skies of Corasaunt looking for nare-do-wells. Because of my obsessive training in the days before the graduation testing, I had earned full marks on all of my simulations, placing me on the most elite of the newly graduated teams - Darren's. While this was supposed to be a reward, to me it was like a punishment. I could hardly stand his bravado and the condescending way he treated us on missions.
The day that we trailed an unauthorized freighter to an abandoned warehouse on Corasaunt's lower levels was the day that I believed Darren would truly be my undoing. I didn't know then that my eventual expulsion from the army would be the doing of someone else entirely, and in a way I couldn't have predicted.
" Let's go," Darren said when we'd landed. We were a team of six that day, and the ship we'd followed had landed on the roof of an old warehouse where several others were parked.
" Maybe we should call for backup first," I suggested, since I'd heard rumors that the Sith themselves had been using the dilapidated old buildings of Corasaunt's lower levels as headquarters. Darren glared at me.
" This will be a routine pick up of smugglers," he barked, pulling his blaster from his hip and preparing to disembark. " If anyone other than Lieutenant Antilles here believes that the six of us will need help rounding up a few run of the mill weapons smugglers then they may speak now." Of course the way he said it clearly conveyed that they shouldn't speak if they knew what was good for them. None of the others made a sound.
I followed the others toward the warehouse, cursing Darren in my head for being such an idiot - just walk in on a cache of criminals with illegal weapons, sure. What harm could that do? Judging by the number of ships parked above, we would be greatly outnumbered.
We entered through a back door, and heard loud arguing from the center of the warehouse. Despite the abundance of ships we'd seen outside, I hated to admit that Darren was probably right - from the sound of it there were only a few men inside. The warehouse was dark, lit only by a skylight in the high ceiling that was cracked in places and partly caved in. Darren, myself and the two others - a girl named Yvandes and a boy named Ruta - ducked behind some of the crates that filled the room, listening while the other two waited outside by the two entrances. I was surprised that the smugglers hadn't had their own people outside watching the doors - perhaps they never would have guessed that the military would bother with something so trite, but weapon smuggling was becoming a bigger deal now that a war was on the horizon.
As we listened, first my brow furrowed, and then my heart began knocking on the walls of my ribcage - so loud that I was afraid Darren would hear and become suspicious. I recognized the voices, from my many nights spent listening to them in a similarly sneaky fashion in the Tavern - bounty hunters.
" I had a contract, dammit!" I heard a human's voice shout, and I knew instantly that it was Pewa, the squirrelly hunter who hadn't known that Jango Fett had a son, and who often complained about it after he found out - about Boba's new monopoly on bounties, earned with his father's reputation.
" What do you think this is, the Senate?" a gruff voice said, laughing. " You think you can complain to the union? Its every man for himself, and anything is fair game, you know that."
" Why are you defending him?" Pewa shouted, " He's screwing all of us over equal."
" I'd watch what the hell you're saying, kid," a frog-like voice warned him.
" I don't have to listen to this," a man whose voice sounded as if it came from a poor com-link connection said. " I've got work to do."
" Not so fast," I heard Pewa say shakily, and I heard the click of a blaster being pulled from its holster, then cold laughter from the frog man.
" You idiot," he said.
" They're drawing their weapons," Darren whispered, " Let's go." Before I could protest, he was jumping up from behind the crates.
" Freeze!" he screamed, pointing his blaster toward the center of the warehouse. " You are all under arrest for the possession of an unauthorized ship and for whatever smuggled goods we'll find within it."
I rolled my eyes at his lame battle cry, and stood with my own weapon raised. As I came up over the crates I saw Pewa, his blaster still raised and now pointed at Darren. Two others were standing behind him - a large man with dark skin and a bandana tied around his head, and a green creature with long whiskers.
On the other side of Pewa stood the fourth hunter. Before I could stop myself, my gun had fallen to my hip and I had called out his name.
" Boba?"
It was him, wearing full armor, his stature suggesting that he'd been quite unperturbed by the threats of Pewa and Darren - but when his helmet flicked in my direction I thought I saw him stagger. Darren gave me a look, and I raised my gun again with trembling arms.
" A friend of yours, Antilles?" he muttered coldly.
Suddenly Pewa fired. I heard the bullet fly past my shoulder, and after it had struck the wall I looked down to find the cloth of my uniform torn. I heard another shot, and when I looked up again Pewa was dead on the ground, and Boba was holding his blaster.
" Drop it!" Darren screamed, firing and missing. Ruta and Yvandes also began firing at the three hunters, since the other two had managed to draw their weapons in the confusion. Boba fired two clean shots and both of them were on the ground.
" Stop!" I screamed, looking at him.
" Dammit, Antilles!" Darren said, falling behind the crates to avoid the blaster fire, " Shoot! Words aren't going to stop them!" He leaned over to check for a pulse on Yvandes and I stared down at her crumpled body - she had dark hair, she'd been in our squadron for two weeks now. She came from Alderran, just like my mother had. Now she was dead.
" Hold your fire!" I heard Boba scream when the other two hunters continued to fire on me after Darren fell behind the crates.
All I could do was watch as he blasted off on his jet pack, up toward the hole in the skylight. Darren stood again and began firing at him as the other two hunters ran off - I knew the pilots waiting outside would catch them. Boba answered Darren's fire with a blaster shot that caught him in the shoulder.
" Argh!" Darren screamed, sliding to the ground. " Antilles!" he growled, " Get him!" I looked up, not knowing what I would do, and he was gone.
" He got away," I said, dazed, still not completely registering what had happened.
" Dammit!" Darren shouted as I helped him to stand, " That's it Antilles, that's it - you're off my squadron."
" Fine!" I said, peeling back the ripped cloth of his sleeve to have a look at his wound, " Good!"
" You'll be lucky if you're not completely dispelled from the army for this," he continued as we made our way out of the warehouse, me helping him walk as he staggered with the pain. " You were completely useless! Did you even fire once?"
" I'm sorry!" I said, " I panicked." Later Darren's words would catch up with me, but at the moment I couldn't have cared less - the shock of seeing Boba was flooding all my senses so entirely that I couldn't feel anything else but relief. He was alive, and he was on Corasaunt.
When we got outside we told the other two pilots what had happened. They were loading the two bounty hunters they'd caught into the ship, and when they finished they jogged back inside to retrieve the bodies of Ruta and Yvandes.
It hit me as I began to bandage Darren's arm while he railed at me - two of us had died, and at Boba's hand. As much as I wanted to make excuses for him, it didn't change the fact that I was in love with a murderer, a bad person.
" What the hell is going on?" the larger hunter was shouting, " We weren't doing anything! What business did you have firing at us like that?"
" Shut up, you smuggler scum," Darren muttered. " Not so tight, Antilles!" he shouted as I wrapped his arm.
" It has to be tight or you'll bleed to death," I reminded him sweetly, yanking the bandages tighter and making him wince. " And they're not smugglers."
" Well you should know," Darren muttered, " Since you seem so familiar with them."
" I've never seen her before in my life!" the green hunter insisted, thinking that would help prove his innocence, " And I'm no goddamn smuggler!"
" Hey," the larger one muttered to his friend, " She's the one who called out Boba's name. Check out her hair." I turned to them and frowned, and they both snickered.
" Oh yeah," the green hunter smirked, " How ironic."
" What are they talking about?" Darren demanded, scowling.
" I have no idea," I said, frowning and touching my hair self-consciously. It was yanked back in the usual bundle of braids, and I could find nothing so extraordinary about it that it would provoke the attention of bounty hunters. The two hunters shut up after that, and I helped to load Ruta and Yvandes into the back of the ship. Emotionally it was not an easy task, carrying the bodies of our dead comrades, and by the time our ship was headed back to headquarters I was shaking like a leaf from the events of the day - I couldn't help but remember Mace's words from all those weeks before.
I sense that you are very conflicted.