The Fan Zone
"Pilot Episode: Part 2
By JadeRabbyt
"Welcome back everybody to a very special episode of 'The Fan Zone.' We have a very special guest with us here tonight-"I gesture to Danny, asleep on my couch. "-Who is obviously not aware that the show is on.
"Last episode I asked for reviewer responses, but the majority of the replies just told me that this show is 'funny.' Fortunately for everyone-" I motion to a lackey off stage. "-There was one very courteous reviewer, Chibi Millenia Phantom, who supplied us with a full sixteen pounds of pure cane sugar."
The lackeys drag out a huge bag of something and dump it on my desk. Little spouts of powder leak out, sending up white dust. I scowl. Those idiots got the wrong white stuff. I turn off the microphone and call somebody over. "We could be arrested for this," I mutter. The lackey grins apologetically and trucks the bag away. It's replaced with the bag of sugar.
"Sorry for the interruption there, folks. The show is staffed by ex-cons. As I was saying, we have here a full sixteen pounds of sugar. This allows us to answer a time-honored question."
I stand and begin to pace the stage. "What really happens when Danny gets fed insane amounts of the sweet stuff?" The audience murmurs with excitement. A couple people roll their eyes and reach for their audience reaction boards.
"We'll observe-"
I stop as a little ding goes off by my desk. I walk over to check it out. "It seems I've just gotten some comments here, folks. People say that this is a terrible idea and it's been done by every author since the beginning of time." I stand up and adjust my jacket. "Well, feel free to lodge a complaint with my staff after the show. Everybody make some noise to wake this ghost-boy up!"
People clap and cheer and scream joyously. Danny jerks awake and sits up quickly.
"Whoa! What's-"
"Danny," I pat his shoulder amiably. "Good to have you back."
He blinks and looks around. "Oh yeah. Ugh. I remember you." He stares at my desk. "Why is there a bag of sugar?"
"Funny you should ask..."
Danny looks between me, the audience, and the sugar. "No."
"Oh come on."
"No! I'm not eating that whole bag of sugar!"
"Well, in that case I guess we'll just have to do something else." I wink at the audience. They chuckle and goad me on. "Fortunately, I have a couple interesting clips on hand. Maybe Danny can enlighten us with his commentary."
A TV screen rolls down from the far left, and Danny and I turn to watch with the audience.
"Our first clip is from the much-loved episode, 'Shades of Grey.'"
Danny fidgets on the couch. "Um..."
"Roll clip."
The scene unfolds. We see Danny in ghost-mode being chased by the maroon-suited Valerie. He stumbles into Sam, who pulls him into the bushes. Valerie rounds the corner-
"Stop!" Danny shouts. Everybody looks over at him. The video pauses on Valerie. "What was the, um, sugar thing again?"
The audience starts giggling behind their hands. I roll my head in a little sarcastic motion and the laughter breaks from their hands and bounds around the auditorium.
"Really!" Danny insists. "We're not together!"
I laugh and motion for the audience to settle down. "Alright, alright everybody, let's give him a break." I turn to Danny. "The deal is that you have to eat enough sugar that we see some kind of side effect."
"Can I at least have something to go along with it?"
"Nope."
-Six cups of sugar and one amazing out-of-character shift later-
"This is ALL YOUR FAULT!" Danny is standing on my desk and shouting at me. The audience is eating my complementary popcorn and wondering if he's going to take off his shirt. "You did this! YOU teleported me to this... this... whatever-the-hell-this-is-"
"Fan Zone."
"Argh! Whatever! I don't care! You SUCK!" He absently takes another handful of sugar and chews on it. I'm starting to think that this wasn't such a good idea after all.
"And, and you know what?" He turns to the audience. "YOU all suck too!" The audience looks up from its popcorn. "Yes! I am talking to all you cheap extra, oppa..." He stops to think. He taps his foot so fast that it looks like his entire leg is vibrating.
"The word is 'opportunists.'"
"Right right! OPPORTUNISTS! You are all cheap, cheap..." He jumps off my desk and wanders around the stage. "Aaaah, whatever. You all suck." He stomps around petulantly. "That's right. You're all rated 'SS' for 'Super-Sucky.'"
I sigh, standing up from my desk as he starts to mumble incoherently. "Dumb sucky blackmailing rip-off talk show nonsense..."
"Well everybody, thanks for joining us. I think we should send Danny back to Amity."
"You better," he mutters.
"Say g'bye everybody!" They cheer him off-stage, but they aren't nearly as enthusiastic as when he came on. You can only tell people they suck so many times before they stop cheering for you.
"Don't worry about him. We put a fifty on his bed and finished up his homework. I've got just one more special feature for you tonight folks. I'd like to advertise Ghostly Hamburger's 'Hand Puppet Theater' for two reasons: 1) it inspired me to start this show and 2) I shamelessly stole one of her signature jokes for this episode."
Most of the audience laughs, but you can pick out Ghostly's friends easily. They're the ones on the phone with her lawyer.
"'Hand Puppet Theater' is an incredibly funny, witty series of sarcastic episode summaries, and I promise that you don't want to miss 'em. Come back next time, and goodnight everybody!"
The credits roll as I recline in my chair and the jazzy music plays, wondering just how Ghostly will react to this one. Off-stage I can see my lackeys playing with the first bag dropped on my desk.
I really am going to have to fire those guys one of these days. I would have done it sooner, but just how clever is it to give thirty drug-sniffing ex-cons a reason to be angry at you?
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A/N: Hey! This fic is popular! -does happy little author jig- I'm thinking about featuring a story every episode, just because it gets hard to find good ones sometimes. Let me know what you guys think about that, and keep the reviews comin'! Remember, if you give me neat stuff you may see it in the show.