The Fan Zone
By JadeRabbyt
Paullina's Tomato: Part 2
Dash dashes on stage and swoops toward us. "I'll save you Paullina!"
"Hello?!" Sam shouts. "She's the one attacking us!"
The audience is having the time of its life. Rotten fruit is being thrown everywhere, completely vandalizing the stage and staining my lovely comfortable couch. My lackies are backstage doing who-knows-what, and there's an angry jock and a psycho chick after me.
It's almost as horrible as my average day at school.
"Don't you have stage guards or something?" Sam gasps.
I roll my eyes. "Kind of. They screw around a lot, though."
We rush backstage to see my entire staff getting high on blue powdered sugar. Sam palm-faces and jumps behind a wooden strut, sticking her foot out to trip up Dash. He yells in panic as he gets a taste of the concrete floor, scrambling to get up.
I grab some hand cuffs off the wall and snap them over Dash's wrists while Sam helps me keep him off-balance.
"Watch out for Paullina!" she shouts. Paullina comes running, hissing and screeching into the backstage area. We manage to wrestle her to the ground, and Sam grabs a handy pile of stage rope, throwing it in hasty loops around Paullina's arms and legs. If we're lucky she'll get tangled up enough that she'll choke herself before she can come after us
"Now," I say flatly, turning to the staff. "Which one of you doped up Paullina, which one of you called in Dash, and why is every one of you high?"
"Dude... dude," he says. "Chill."
He's calling me 'dude.' The corner of my eye twitches. There's ONE of THREE 'special guests' who is NOT tied up, and he's calling me 'dude.'
"It's not like that. This..." He burps and gestures to the powder. "This is, uh, sugar. And we thought it'd be, uh, y'know, 'funny' if we, um, invited that guy." He scratches himself and leans back in the chair.
Dash starts laughing at me.
The big slob looks over at Dash and Paullina and picks up a plate of brownies lying nearby. "You awesome dudes want some brownies?"
"No, they don't want brownies. They don't want sugar. They don't want green eggs OR ham with a fox in a box on a train or in a plane and the whole lot of you are-"I savor the word before spitting it out at them. "Fired."
The staff chuckles in halting, dazed hiccups. "Dude, good one," one of them says.
Sam ducks out behind the curtain. She smiles uncomfortably. "I'll just, um, see how the audience is doing."
"You do that." She leaves, and I cross my arms and wait for my staff to wake up enough to realize that they will now have to steal-as opposed to buy-their illegal mind-altering substances.
"Dude, she's serious!" they whisper to each other.
"Yes. Yes I am very serious. You guys can't be drugging my guests and trippin' during the shows!"
They jump up to protest. "But it's-"
"Sugar. I know." I rub my temples and sigh. "Look, I've got a show to run. You guys just stay here and, I don't know, go watch football or something."
Dash hobbles over to us. "I wanna watch too!"
"Fine. Let Dash watch. But Paullina's coming back out."
I grab Paullina by a loose coil and drag her skinny ass back onstage, where Sam is lecturing them all on the results and implications of the latest presidential election.
"Tush is going to continue the war! There'll be widespread hunger and strife in the Middle East! If we'd gotten in D. Ingle Berry in the White House-"
I put my hand on her shoulder. "Thanks. I'll take over from here."
"Took you long enough," she grumbles.
I clear my throat, awakening the audience from its political opinion-induced slumber. "Well folks, this show has, once again, degenerated into complete mayhem and chaos."
"My CUE MY CUE!" screeches a backstage person. They leap out and race back and forth across the stage a couple times. "My name is Creator-Chaos and I am AWESOME!"
The audience wonders what on earth is going on now.
I grab the random fan by his arm and gasp. "Look everyone! A fanboy!"
People Ooooh and Aaaah and snap pictures. The fanboy jerks away and grins. "I won this cameo in that other story you wrote! Waddo I get?"
"Well, um, you get... to shake my hand!" I grin and reach out. He looks at my hand like it's a freakish lobster-thing from Mars.
"What else do I get?"
"Uh..." I look down at Paullina and smile. "You get to kick and/or sucker-punch her!"
Paullina squirms and shouts furiously as Sam's eyes widen. "Wait-"
The fanboy kicks her a good one and races off-stage, grinning. Paullina starts swearing again and tries to wiggle over and bite my foot. Sam shakes her head at me. "That wasn't nice."
"Yeah, well," I say with a shrug. "She was trying to kill us." I turn and address the audience. "Anyway, complete chaos and mayhem means that that this lovely episode has come to an end. After the credits, Paullina will be outside in a dunk-tank filled with molassas. Dash and my convicts will be in the break room doing... Well, who really knows what that crew will be doing, and Sam will be-"
"Returning home on a regular airline." Sam crosses her arms. It's not quite a threat, but it's close.
"Of course. Sam has an assignment to finish. Join us next time for more insane, random crap!" The lights fade out and the audience cheers, and I scream in unholy agony as Paullina finally gets her teeth clamped on my very-sensitive toes.
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A/N: It just doesn't get any nuttier than this, folks! Well, actually, there's a very good chance that it will, but I dunno. We'll have to see about that. ;) Don't forget to review!