The Fan Zone

By JadeRabbyt

Closet of Evil: Part II

"So, Danny," I say, shoving the microphone in his face. "Tell us how it feels to watch your girlfriend and your 'girlfriend' duke it out while trapped in a small space with potentially lethal occupants?"

Danny glares at me and grumbles through the duct tape. Sam and Paullina, in agreement for once, are yelling into the camera, telling me what an insensitive twit I am. The audience is thinking about storming the stage and running off to play spin the bottle with Danny, but my chairs are too comfortable and I've just served refreshments. Plus, they want to see how long Sam and Paullina go on yelling at me before they start attacking each other.

I'm a little curious about that myself.

"Everyone listen up-you too, guys," I say to the girls on-screen. "This is weird. Danny's pissed, and Sam and Paullina are pissed. That wouldn't be a problem, except for the fact that they're all pissed off at me.

"We need to get them pissed at something else. So the closet will be filled with rabid stuffed poodles, death pillows-whatever those are, kittens heavily dosed with espresso coffee, and-" I check the list in my pocket- "Closet hangars. That self-replicate."

Through the speakers, random barking noises are heard. There's a scuffle and Paullina starts to shriek. "Ahhh! Poodles, damnit!"

"Poodles, damnit?" Sam asks. "They're not that bad."

The audience snickers as Paullina is knocked to the floor by a dozen small, fluffy poodles.

Sam starts to shake her head, but her eyes bug out as she looks off-camera. "What's that- OH MY LORD, no, not-" She screams and tries to run, but where can she go; it's a closet. A white blur shoots up and knocks her down, beginning to do something evil to her face. The audience squints for a better look. The white blob/death pillow squirms around spastically, making growling, lippy-smacky noises as Sam tries to tear it off her face.

The audience starts to get into it and roots for Sam as she struggles with the pillow. The coat hangers continue to multiply. They litter the floor, tripping up the girls whenever they do manage to stand, and what with all the nutty, fluffy poodles yipping around after the cats, standing is no easy task. Impromptu bookies in the audience take bets as to how long either one can stay upright.

Danny is still tied up on my couch, and he grumbles furiously through the duct tape.

"All right, all right." I whistle, and one of my garbage men runs onstage and cuts him loose. Danny springs into the air and my man teleports him into the closet.

The audience is looking at my closet and wondering just how much space is left. Danny drops down to the floor and is immediately attacked/blinded by a death pillow.

The other pillows start to congregate, attaching to each other to form something… big. I'm not sure what it is, but it's huge and it's angry, but it's aimed at Paullina so it's no big deal.

The pillow monster finishes forming and, with a swoosh of one fluffy limb, disregards Paullina and actually eats one of the kittens. I clear my throat and hope nobody objects that a soft, fluffy animal has just been mercilessly devoured by a hideous monster. God bless the desensitization of TV. Still, something should be done about this mess.

I clear my throat and call yet another of my garbage men. I whisper something and he rushes off with a curt nod.

The pillow monster smacks its lips and leers down at Paullina, cotton-soft mouth agape. She screams. Just then, a garbage man runs onstage toting a burlap bag and a portable vacuum-cleaner-lookin'-thing.

I jump up and tear the bag open with a handy pair of scissors. "Come on, Tucker."

Tucker scrambles out, shaking a scrap of burlap off his leg. "What-"

"Sst! Not now." I look again at the vacuum-thing. It'll take two people. I look at the screen. There's time. The monster is still having trouble shoving Paullina in its mouth. And she won't shut hers.

"Oooo, you are so dead when I get out. My Daddy's going to SUE you 'till you die and then dig up your grave and dress you like a bum and you'll go to HELL looking like a dirty stinky bum and blah blah BLAH blah BLAAAAHHHHH…"

I roll my eyes and glance around the audience. "Ah!" I say. "You."

"Me?" says the person.

"Yeah, you. What's your name? You're going to help Tucker."

"I'm getfuzzyfan04. What am I helping with?"

I hold up the vacuum's nozzle. "This thing. It'll fix the pillow problem."

"What about-" Tucker finally sees the screen. "Whoa. What's going-"

"Teleporters!" I call.

"Awesome!" says Fuzzy. She grips the tank of the machine while Tuck grabs the hose. "I will rock their panties," she mutters. Her snide grin fades out as the teleporters take hold.

"Um… O-kaaayy…" I say. "Good luck with that!"

The closet is now fully packed. The cameras can just barely see through those blasted closet hangars.

"DIE!" shouts Fuzzy. Tucker fires the vacuum-gun at Danny and Sam. The pillows scream and melt from their faces.

"Ugh, thanks." Sam spits and coughs, wiping pillow goo off herself. She looks over to Danny, relieved, as his own pillow dissolves. "Are you okay?"

He nods. "You?"

"I'm fine." She covers her ears and waves for Tucker to take care of Paullina.

Paullina has been screeching throughout the entire episode. Tucker shoots the pillow-monster, grimacing as it groans and melts through the hangars in clumps of white cotton-candyish goo. A kitten mews and jumps from its soft mass. Paullina stops yelling and sighs, thinking foolishly that she is safe, before starting to scream again as another poodle catches her ankle.

The kittens are terrified. The hose only affects the pillow monsters, so the foursome resorts to using the vacuum-thing as a shield against the animals.

I clap my hands. Enough of this.

"O-kay, everyone, good job. You've survived Rabbyt's Closet of Evil and Doomy Bad Stuff." I jerk my head to the garbage man. "Teleporter."

He nods and smacks a button on a keypad. The three of them phase out and rematerialize on the set, Danny, Sam, and Tucker on the couch, Paullina in an armchair, and Fuzzy standing by my desk.

I shake her hand. "Thanks for joining us."

"Any time! This whole thing was panty-rockin.'" She smiles and returns to the audience, sneaking a taunting look at Paullina. Paullina's too busy hyperventilating to notice.

I turn to my victims. "So, how are the rest of you guys? Still alive?"

Danny and Sam are a tiny bit paralyzed. Their eyes are buggy, and Sam reaches mutely for Danny's hand. It's a small gesture, but nothing escapes the audience.

I sigh. "Yeah, well, sorry about that. As a reward for your… endurance, you guys will get a break. We'll torture the villains next episode. How about you, Tucker or Paullina?"

Tucker shakes his head at me. "You are a sick, sick person."

"Thanks for your input. How about you, Paullina?"

She glares at me and begins foaming at the mouth. "Ooo, right. Rabid poodles. Well, uh, don't worry. We've got shots for that." I glance over the group again. Hope they don't need therapy after this. Oh well. If they do, they've got Jazz.

I slap my desk with a sigh and turn to the audience. "Thanks for joining us for this action-packed 'battle royal' edition of The Fan Zone. Next episode, we'll return to the typical nonsense when I haul Jazz in here to do therapy with the villains! Review to suggest psychoses for your favorites." I arrange the papers at my desk and cue up the funky end-show music. "Thanks again for joining us for The Fan Zone, and goodnight everyone!"

A/N: That's it for the battle-royal ep, as well as a surprise cameo! The time for reviewing, should you choose to do it is, uh… wait…. Wait a couple seconds… Okay, NOW! The time for reviewing is NOW! Quick, quick, go do it or something horrible will happen!