The Fan Zone

By JadeRabbyt

Agents of Luve: Part 3

Alright, so Danny is up a tree, the squirrels are in the yard with the psychopaths, and Sam, back in the classroom, is about ready to wring somebody's neck. Tucker has gone after Danny, and Lancer's hiding under his desk.

All is right with the world.

I bring up the cameras on the yard. The squirrels and the psychos have formed an uneasy partnership and are moving together like a herd of freakishly mutated deer, the squirrels in their huge fluffy costumes, the psychos with their bulging eyes and affinity for evil cackling. I notice Pcp13 among them, wearing a Darth Vader suit. PhantomAl travels nearby in a squirrel suit.

I click on the intercom. "Hey guys. Any luck?"

"Fat chance," says pcp13. "We're supposed to be lending our aid to the DxS hookup, but it seems most of these girls are more interested in Danny than the orthodox pairing."

"That's not true," says Al. "A lot of them think they belong together. And so do I."

Pcp13 scoffs at that. He pouts a moment, then begins to breathe eerily into his mask. "Luke, I am your father."

Al groans. Loudly. "Cut that out." Pcp13 is quiet for a minute. Then…

"Luuuuuuuke…"

"It's not FUNNY! EVERYBODY does that line!"

I laugh. "Okay guys, I have an idea. Danny of the invisibility powers is never going to let this group near him. I think he's probably seriously freaked out by all these girls. But maybe you two, who are boys, and therefore probably not romantically interested in him, will have a better chance." I pause. "But please lose the ugly suits."

"Suits stay ON!" declares pcp13.

What is it with these people and their costumes? "Alright, alright. Here's the plan, then. Danny is hiding in a tree on the left side of the school. He might not come down if you just shout at him, but if you told him how he could get us to go away, he might cooperate."

Al has a blinding flash of the obvious. "…by kissing Sam…"

I smile. "Exactly."

XXX

"Um, hi." PhantomAl has his squirrel-costume's head down and is looking up into the big maple tree. "We're the uh, strange people."

A branch shakes overhead as Danny moves for a better look. "Yeah, I can see that. What are you guys doing here? What are all these girls doing here? Why are you all dressed up like idiots?"

Pcp13/Darth Vader says… "Luke, we are your—" Al, very politely and with much gentility, removes Vader's helmet and kicks it across the street. Vader says a dirty word and runs after it.

Al looks back up at Danny. "You want us to leave, right?"

"Yes!" says Danny the Maple Tree.

"There's only one thing you have to do."

"Tell me."

Al chews his lip for a minute. "Just kiss Sam."

The tree sputters. "I can't do that! Sam would never agree to that, and besides, I don't even like her… that way…"

"The force has fifty American dolores which sez otherwise, young Jedi." Vader has found his helmet and returned, I see.

"She really digs you," Al says. "Trust me."

"She does not. That's impossible. We're just… good friends, is all."

"I'm telling you, Sam digs you! You might even thank us after all this."

"You're all insane!"

I chuckle. "Oooo, denial. Juicy! Hey Al, throw Danny your earpiece." He does it. I hear a rustle and some static, then voices as Danny debates with Al about the likelihood of the microphone being wired with explosives. Finally, he puts it in.

"Is this Danny?"

"YOU!" The speaker crackles with the shout. "I should have known you're the only idiot who'd ever think of something this nuts."

"Flattery will get you nowhere. Listen, me and my eccentric friends are not leaving until we see some action."

"This isn't fair," he mutters.

He's got that right. "No, but it's kick-arse entertainment. And are you going to tell me that you've never wanted to smooch Samantha Manson?"

The other end of the line is mysteriously quiet. I smirk. "It's easy, dude. Here, I'll even tell ya how to do it. Just go up and say, 'Look, I'm sorry, but I'll inevitably be molested by psychopathic fans if you and I don't smooch.'"

"This is unbelievable… And—even if I DID do… that thing you just said—there's no WAY I'm doing it in front of your sicko audience."

"That's okay. We've got cameras all over the place, anyway."

Danny grumbles to himself. "You stink. And you're in trouble next time we meet."

"That's what everybody says these days. Anyway, it's up to you. Give me back to Al." More static as the earpiece changes hands.

"The Dark Side suggests we tell the squirrels where Danny is," breathes pcp13.

Tempting, but not the best way to handle things. "How about we tell Sam where Danny is instead?"

A/N: Yes, I know it's short, but it was cut short for a very good reason. The first reason is that the thought of starting a new episode on an odd-numbered chapter makes me itch. The second excellent reason is that SAM NEEDS WEAPONS (preferably non-lethal) TO SAVE DANNY AND BATTLE THE PSYCHOS! THE PSYCHOS NEED WEAPONS TO BATTLE SAM AND CAPTURE DANNY! THE SQUIRRELS NEED A FRESH SUPPLY OF (chocolate/candy flavored) ACORNS! Suggestions, Gadgets, and Praise are all welcome, and be here on June 3rd for the final installment of this nonsense!