Harry and the Hag
Chapter 1: The Hag
Harry Potter, a striking youth of around sixteen, had a rather miserable life. Ever since Ron had started experimenting with muggle drugs and subsequently impregnated Hermione, he had felt an ever-broadening gap between him and his trusty comrades. Being a lad of limited interests and social potential, Ron and Hermy had been the centre of Harry's universe; now, Ron was in rehab and Hermy was dead of complications arising from her condition.
One morning, feeling rather dejected with the general state of the world and his life, Harry set out to get himself drunk in Hogsmeade.
It was a downcast grey day. Harry bumbled into the Hog's Head, his head down, looking like a prat.
Inside the bar, Harry drank three litres of butterbeer before passing out at the counter.
Harry soon came to, but he continued to practise an attitude of general malaise, trying to make someone – anyone – take pity on him.
Harry's wish was granted. "Are you alright, ape?" asked a voice. Harry looked up to see a large and hideous she-hag glaring down at him from behind her heinous nose. Harry tried to say "Fine," but he was still too intoxicated to speak. All that he managed to get out was "Unngh." The hag looked down at him in disgust and mumbled something that sounded oddly like, "Overdose..." However, she helped him up to his feet, and told him, "I've got just the thing for drunkards like you."
The hag led Harry out of Hogsmeade and down the road to a portkey station. She glanced up at the schedule, and led Harry over to a rubber tire which was departing in thirty seconds. By this time, Harry had begun to regain control of his mouth. With great effort, he managed to say, "Oh, piss it! I just drank too much butterbeer!" The hag looked pityingly at Harry, and told him, "The first step to recovery is to admit you have a problem. The longer you deny it the longer you will be addicted." Harry gaped at her.
"You don't seriously think that-" His words were cut off by a jerk behind his navel, announcing that the portkey had taken off. Harry was tugged along behind it for a time, and was then slammed to the ground. His knees buckled. The hag, showing surprising strength, caught him before he hit the ground and pulled him to his feet. He would have thanked her if not for the fact that she immediately began violently yanking him down the road.