Xander managed to peel his snot encrusted face off Spike's jacket and stared at him with his freakishly oversized saucers of coffee coloured eyes. "Spike, thank you again for murdering my rapist father and uncle. And my best friends. And my teachers. And the postman. And the next door neighbors cousin Fleur who was visiting from Oregon. Anyway, thanks for homicidally killing everyone I know, because it shows me just how much you care for me. Once I've had some intensive therapyI think I really wantto consider getting into a relationship with you."

"Oh, hell no pet, you know what they say. The best thing to do is to get right back on the horse. And tonight whelp, I will be your love jockey."

Xander caught in Spike's vamp thrall capitulated immediately. "Oh, yes Spike!" he moaned in delirious passion. "Giddy up and ride me all night with your big throbbing riding crop!"

Spike leered and stood with his groin thrust out in a show of manliness because he was as butch as all get go. He just hoped that his roots weren't showing and his eyeliner hadn't smudged. "But first of all tonight I plan on claiming you, pet. Hey, hey no need to look so frightened, luv. It'll only be a quick bite and I wont take much blood, honest!"

"Its not so much that Spike. It's the huge branding iron with 'Property of Spike So 'Ands Off You Bleedin' Bastards' that your holding that's making me nervous."

"Oh, right. Yes, well, we don't have to go with that then, my chocolate oreo of delight" Spike quickly put the branding iron down and shoved it away. He wondered whether it would be too soon to show Xander the cheerleaders uniform and inflatable sheep he had bought especially.

Spike slunk towards Xander like a great big peroxided cat wearing an overlarge dead cow around its shoulders. "Your mine, my precious russet eyed Pekinese!"

With that Spike unhinged his jaws, sinking his teeth into Xander's neck. 'Mine!' Spike roared in a lisping, muffled way around his fangs, and Xander's fleshy neck rolls. Even though they weren't having sex, powerful mutual orgasms racked them both because they loved each other enough to be able to do that.

The claiming ritual was complete and Xander was now forever Spike's consort. For what Spike didn't know was that Xander was secretly a true vampire demon hybrid from the planet Zog and he would never die and instead they could stay young and pretty together for all eternity.

They fell into a conveniently nearby bed and snuggled into the sheets, joined together with love and about 20 litres of dried semen.

Postscript: Xander bled out all over his pillow in the night and died of blood loss due to the great big holes Spike had torn in his neck. Unfortunately Spike forgot to lick the puncture wounds closed with the magical healing powers of vampire spit. Or was it sacred, mystical vampire earwax?

THE END! OR IS IT...?