Disclamer: We do not own Romeo and Juliet. I have no idea who does, but it's not us.

Act I Scene i

(The Streets of Verona)

Gregory and Sampson are sent to order a dozen flowers for their master, Capulet

Gregory- Flowers, I hate flowers. Stupid girly men.

Sampson- I agree, I'd rather grow something like… potatoes! drools French Fries…

Enter Abram

Gregory- Stop thinking of food, remember, FLOWERS! FLOW-E Ohff! runs into Abram; both fall

Sampson- bites thumb

Abram- Do you bite your thumb at me, sir?

Sampson- I don't bite my thumb at you, sir, but I do bite my thumb, sir. bites thumb Owww! That hurt! bleeding

Gregory- just got up I- is that… blood? faints

Abram- glare Your friend screams like a girl.

Gregory- You take that back! Or duel!

They duel and Benvolio enters

Benvolio- Stop! all look at him I have a solution! pulls out band-aid

All- look at glowing bright band-aid

Abram- It's quite blinding.

Benvolio- grin Yes, yes it is.

Enter Tybalt

Tybalt- runs in and trips over cape

Benvolio- Oh! Do you need a band-aid? holds up band-aid

Tybalt- How dare a Montague offer help to a Capulet! I challenge thee to a duel!

They fight and officer and citizens enter

Officer- Break them up! Down with the Capulets! Down with trampled by Prince's horse

Enter Prince Escalus with off-key trumpets

Prince- adjusts large, obscure hat Hey y'all!

Now, all y'all have to lissen-up! AH don't want eny mor fights in this here town of Veerona. Ye'all hear? And the next folk to disturb da peace will be punished! You, Capulet, come o'er here, and Montague, you are to see me later. Mark my word… is interrupted by off-key trumpets

Trumpet Player #1- Hey, how many trumpets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Trumpet Player #2- Ten! Four to figure out how to unscrew it, four to put it back in and one to keep them paying attention!

Trumpet Player #1- smacks Trumpet Player #2 upside the head That's nine, stupid!

Prince- wobbles under huge hat Ye better be there and don't ye'll forget now.

Exit all but Benvolio, who is handing out band- aids. Enter Montague and Lady Montague

Montague- Give me my long sword!

Lady Montague- I'll give you a crutch.

Benvolio- Idiots, the fight is over; you're late! And, anyway, those are the Capulet's lines. Where are they anyway?

Cut scene showing Capulet making a daisy chain

Oh, never mind… anyway, you're supposed to be talking about Romeo.

Montague and Lady Montague- Oops, sorry.

Montague- Ahem starts choking

Lady Montague- O, where is Romeo? Where did he go?

Benvolio- Hmm, dunno.

Lady Montague- GLARE

Benvolio- Uhh, I saw him walking toward the forest? Yeah, he, uh, wanted to pick some flowers… plucks at band-aids nervously

Montague- recovers Oh yes, I think he's depressed.

All- gives him a weird look

Montague- Err, he planted a flower and it wilted, so he's really sad.

Benvolio- I'll teach him how to be a gardener! prances around

Montague- Yeah, he can't garden for beans (Pun intended). Brown Thumb he is. bites thumb

Benvolio- Nooo! gives Montague a band-aid

Montague- Well, must be going. Good luck finding Romeo.

Exit Montague and his wife

Benvolio- Hmph, how do they expect me to find- runs into Romeo

Benvolio- Hey, wadda ya know? It's ROMEO! gives Romeo a hug

Romeo- screams and hides in bushes What do you want from me?

Benvolio- I just wanted to tell you… suspense HOW TO GARDEN! dun dun dunn

Romeo- hides I can't even grow a flower! starts crying

Benvolio- It's ok. I can't even grow weeds.

Romeo- snickers

Benvolio- Come, and I'll show you how to be an expert gardener!

Exuent