~*Chapter Seven*~
~*~*~*~*~*~
(This is in Dawn's POV)
Buffy thinks I'm just going to forget Connor as if he were never there to begin with. They think I don't hear them talking late at night when they believe I'm asleep. I can hear worried, hushed whispers between Xander and Spike, yet when Buffy speaks...I hear no worry, no regret, no concern, only anger and bitterness when she talks about Connor or LA, or even me. That's why I haven't talked to her since she drug me back here. She doesn't care about my feelings, she doesn't care about the pain she's putting me through. She only cares about keeping me away from something she could never have.
Love.
It's all very alien to her. She is still obsessed with Angel from years ago. She see's what she wants with love. She doesn't see that Angel is in love with another woman, that what they had was just passing. She doesn't see that she has Spike standing right there in front of her, willing to take her the way she is, faults and all, loving her. She hurts him each day by just sending him a disgusted look, or making some snide remark about him not being able to love. I hate her a little more with each time I see my adopted big-brother's hurt look....the pain in his eyes. My protector is dying with me.
She's blind. And that's another strike against her.
I'm not allowed to love...I'm not allowed to be with Connor. She says I'm too young, and that she's protecting me from heartache. All she is doing is making me suffer because she had to at this age. I want to just...hit her. Shake her and make her understand that not everything is about her, or dealing with her...not everything will end up the way she see's it.
I heard her conversation with Giles over the phone the other day. He was willing to come home. She told him not to. I think she realizes that once Giles is here...she'll lose her control over me. Giles will know it's not safe for me here, that if I'm not being attacked by people wanting my baby...that this is slowly eating me up.
That's another thing that has made me hate her. I've been back for a few months. I'm 7 months pregnant and I have been attacked over 11 times since I've been back. She doesn't care. I wasn't attacked not once in the first and only month in LA. Not once. And here. I'm only back for a few hours and I had already been attacked. I have a nice scar on the back of my leg where I only barely stumbled away from a dagger. I cried for three days straight after that.
I was safe in LA, and now I was in danger because my sister didn't want me with a stupid boy.
I've had a birthday since being with Connor. 16. It means nothing to me now. I spent 3 weeks not talking to anyone, until Spike allowed me to call Connor, and then a week after that, Xander had offered to take me to LA, if only for a day to see him. I love them both so much. Both are my brothers and protectors I never had. Of course Buffy won't let me leave the house without her, so going to LA didn't work out. But I'm able to talk to him.
I don't tell him about all the attacks, I'm afraid he'll run away from his home in LA, indanger himself by coming here to be my hero. I let him think that everything is fine, only a little sisterly fighting going on. He doesn't know that I see Buffy as an enemy now, the wicked witch locking me up in my tower so I can't find my prince.
I know I'm probably overreacting, being all hormonal because of the pregnancy. But I also know that when your pregnant....your true feelings are the ones that come out. You don't suddenly develope a hate for someone so strong that you can't stand to be in the same room as them, or talk to them.
It's not good for me to spend all day thinking about these things. The doctor says I've got too much stress on my shoulders, and with all the 'accidents' I've had, that I can't handle too much more. But I have nothing to do the entire day...except be worried and preoccupied with my thoughts. Xander works and Spike sleeps and Buffy plays delusional games with herself. I can catch conversations between her and Angel, or her and Giles...sometimes her and Willow over the phone. Happy tone, talking about how happy we are...shopping for the baby. If only she knew that Spike talks to Giles and informs him about what's really going on. And that I've talked to Willow a few times, seeking some girl advice about how much my bodies changed. How unhappy I am....
If only. But she doesn't know, and I don't plan on telling her anything.
Sometimes I'll look in my mirror and wonder if I were to just run away to LA, would Connor still want me? Or would all of Buffy's warnings be real? That Connor only wanted me for my body.
My face has filled out a little, I've also grown a few inches, taller than Buffy now, not that she'd ever notice. For only being 7 months pregnant, I'm huge, but that doesn't bother me. My doctors told me on more than one occasion that there may be a possibility of twins, or I could just be carrying around a lot of water. I don't know what to think of that. Hell. I am the key. My boyfriend...if I can even call him that...was born from two vampires, and I'm supposedly carrying a little girl that is supposed to be a slayer and help save the world....maybe I'm having two girls and that's why they're so special.
I don't know. I try not to worry too much about that.
I talked to Connor two days ago. I told him if he saw me now, he'd laugh at me...point and laugh. He had, of course, denied that he'd do such a thing. Not to me anyways, he told me if Fred ever turned up huge, he'd laugh, then run from Gunn. I would too, but that's beside the point.
I'm huge. Who wouldn't laugh? I don't even like going out of the house during the day because I see people from school...and they make such crude remarks. But I can't do anything about it. If it were me, sitting with them in a cafe, or hanging out at a bus stop. I'd be laughing and making jokes about the pregnant girl just as they do.
I think this is all just my punishment. I'm not supposed to be here. I'm not real. We pulled Buffy from Heaven...we....so many things have happened that shouldn't have. I can't help but think we are all paying a price because of it. Willow lost Tara, went evil...or..maybe just dark...and now she has to live with that guilt of killing someone. Xander left Anya at the alter, and because of that, she left town, we haven't heard from her in a while, I don't think she's coming back. Giles feels like he's failed us all. Buffy acting the way she does, Willow's down fall in the black magick, Anya and Xander....and me. Nuf said there. Spike, sometimes I think he gets the worst end of the stick. He loves Buffy, with all his undead heart. He would die for her, but she merely sees him as a disgusting vampire who she can shove her sister off on whenever she feels like it, or can stratch an itch with that just won't go away. If Spike just said the word, I'd leave with him. Leave everyone behind just to be away from this.....maybe talk him into going to LA...of course.
Me? I deserve everything I get. I was stupid and irrisponsible. I should have thought before doing anything. And I didn't. So I pay my price now. I'm happy about my baby, but I'm being killed slowly by my sister, and not being with Connor. It's my punishment. I accept it.
For now.
TBC...
~*~*~*~*~*~
(This is in Dawn's POV)
Buffy thinks I'm just going to forget Connor as if he were never there to begin with. They think I don't hear them talking late at night when they believe I'm asleep. I can hear worried, hushed whispers between Xander and Spike, yet when Buffy speaks...I hear no worry, no regret, no concern, only anger and bitterness when she talks about Connor or LA, or even me. That's why I haven't talked to her since she drug me back here. She doesn't care about my feelings, she doesn't care about the pain she's putting me through. She only cares about keeping me away from something she could never have.
Love.
It's all very alien to her. She is still obsessed with Angel from years ago. She see's what she wants with love. She doesn't see that Angel is in love with another woman, that what they had was just passing. She doesn't see that she has Spike standing right there in front of her, willing to take her the way she is, faults and all, loving her. She hurts him each day by just sending him a disgusted look, or making some snide remark about him not being able to love. I hate her a little more with each time I see my adopted big-brother's hurt look....the pain in his eyes. My protector is dying with me.
She's blind. And that's another strike against her.
I'm not allowed to love...I'm not allowed to be with Connor. She says I'm too young, and that she's protecting me from heartache. All she is doing is making me suffer because she had to at this age. I want to just...hit her. Shake her and make her understand that not everything is about her, or dealing with her...not everything will end up the way she see's it.
I heard her conversation with Giles over the phone the other day. He was willing to come home. She told him not to. I think she realizes that once Giles is here...she'll lose her control over me. Giles will know it's not safe for me here, that if I'm not being attacked by people wanting my baby...that this is slowly eating me up.
That's another thing that has made me hate her. I've been back for a few months. I'm 7 months pregnant and I have been attacked over 11 times since I've been back. She doesn't care. I wasn't attacked not once in the first and only month in LA. Not once. And here. I'm only back for a few hours and I had already been attacked. I have a nice scar on the back of my leg where I only barely stumbled away from a dagger. I cried for three days straight after that.
I was safe in LA, and now I was in danger because my sister didn't want me with a stupid boy.
I've had a birthday since being with Connor. 16. It means nothing to me now. I spent 3 weeks not talking to anyone, until Spike allowed me to call Connor, and then a week after that, Xander had offered to take me to LA, if only for a day to see him. I love them both so much. Both are my brothers and protectors I never had. Of course Buffy won't let me leave the house without her, so going to LA didn't work out. But I'm able to talk to him.
I don't tell him about all the attacks, I'm afraid he'll run away from his home in LA, indanger himself by coming here to be my hero. I let him think that everything is fine, only a little sisterly fighting going on. He doesn't know that I see Buffy as an enemy now, the wicked witch locking me up in my tower so I can't find my prince.
I know I'm probably overreacting, being all hormonal because of the pregnancy. But I also know that when your pregnant....your true feelings are the ones that come out. You don't suddenly develope a hate for someone so strong that you can't stand to be in the same room as them, or talk to them.
It's not good for me to spend all day thinking about these things. The doctor says I've got too much stress on my shoulders, and with all the 'accidents' I've had, that I can't handle too much more. But I have nothing to do the entire day...except be worried and preoccupied with my thoughts. Xander works and Spike sleeps and Buffy plays delusional games with herself. I can catch conversations between her and Angel, or her and Giles...sometimes her and Willow over the phone. Happy tone, talking about how happy we are...shopping for the baby. If only she knew that Spike talks to Giles and informs him about what's really going on. And that I've talked to Willow a few times, seeking some girl advice about how much my bodies changed. How unhappy I am....
If only. But she doesn't know, and I don't plan on telling her anything.
Sometimes I'll look in my mirror and wonder if I were to just run away to LA, would Connor still want me? Or would all of Buffy's warnings be real? That Connor only wanted me for my body.
My face has filled out a little, I've also grown a few inches, taller than Buffy now, not that she'd ever notice. For only being 7 months pregnant, I'm huge, but that doesn't bother me. My doctors told me on more than one occasion that there may be a possibility of twins, or I could just be carrying around a lot of water. I don't know what to think of that. Hell. I am the key. My boyfriend...if I can even call him that...was born from two vampires, and I'm supposedly carrying a little girl that is supposed to be a slayer and help save the world....maybe I'm having two girls and that's why they're so special.
I don't know. I try not to worry too much about that.
I talked to Connor two days ago. I told him if he saw me now, he'd laugh at me...point and laugh. He had, of course, denied that he'd do such a thing. Not to me anyways, he told me if Fred ever turned up huge, he'd laugh, then run from Gunn. I would too, but that's beside the point.
I'm huge. Who wouldn't laugh? I don't even like going out of the house during the day because I see people from school...and they make such crude remarks. But I can't do anything about it. If it were me, sitting with them in a cafe, or hanging out at a bus stop. I'd be laughing and making jokes about the pregnant girl just as they do.
I think this is all just my punishment. I'm not supposed to be here. I'm not real. We pulled Buffy from Heaven...we....so many things have happened that shouldn't have. I can't help but think we are all paying a price because of it. Willow lost Tara, went evil...or..maybe just dark...and now she has to live with that guilt of killing someone. Xander left Anya at the alter, and because of that, she left town, we haven't heard from her in a while, I don't think she's coming back. Giles feels like he's failed us all. Buffy acting the way she does, Willow's down fall in the black magick, Anya and Xander....and me. Nuf said there. Spike, sometimes I think he gets the worst end of the stick. He loves Buffy, with all his undead heart. He would die for her, but she merely sees him as a disgusting vampire who she can shove her sister off on whenever she feels like it, or can stratch an itch with that just won't go away. If Spike just said the word, I'd leave with him. Leave everyone behind just to be away from this.....maybe talk him into going to LA...of course.
Me? I deserve everything I get. I was stupid and irrisponsible. I should have thought before doing anything. And I didn't. So I pay my price now. I'm happy about my baby, but I'm being killed slowly by my sister, and not being with Connor. It's my punishment. I accept it.
For now.
TBC...