Baywatch This Ain't

"Here shark, shark, shark…" Deputy Yokel called out. "Here sharky, shark shark…"

"I think I know why they're not coming…" Alex tried to avert his eyes from Deputy Yokel's bathing attire. He was wearing his deputy hat, a bright orange thong and flip-flops. "That bathing suit you're wearing is scaring them off…"

"Lord knows it's given me my share of nightmares," Sheriff Lobo winced in pain. He was wearing his sheriff's outfit. Alex was wearing his blue surfing suit. They were all at the beach where Sheriff Lobo had just dropped them off.

"Really?" Deputy Yokel blinked. "But your sister loves me in this outfit. She thinks I'm drop dead sexy in this!"

"Well she's got the drop dead part right…" Sheriff Lobo's eye began to twitch.

"When I think of all the times I wore this for my sweetie…" Deputy Yokel sighed dreamily. "How we laughed and carried on in the sand, in our hot tub…and once in a pool of Jell-O…"

"Must…not…kill…" Sheriff Lobo gritted his teeth.

"Way too much information here!" Alex winced. "Sheriff please tell me what I'm supposed to do again!"

"We are going to protect the public from all threats," Deputy Yokel said. "Scour the beaches for evildoers! Blast apart…"

"Deputy! Shut up and put some pants on!" Sheriff Lobo snapped. "Look there have been a lot of shark sightings in this area lately. We need you to look around for a few hours, watch out for them and blast any you see. That and other lifeguard duties. We're a little short staffed since our last lifeguard took off so…"

"Yeah I get the picture," Alex said. "How many lifeguards are there? Besides me?"

"Well…Besides you?" Sheriff Lobo pointed to Deputy Yokel who was doing some stretches. "You can see why we need the help."

"Don't worry Alex! We'll be on patrol together!" Deputy Yokel grinned. "And I know CPR so if there's an emergency, I'll be ready!"

"Yeah, little reminder Alex…" Sheriff Lobo whispered to him. "If I am ever, ever in a situation where the only way to save my life is for Yokel to give me mouth to mouth…Please let me die. I mean the man's breath smells like somebody left anchovies and cheese out in the sun for a few days."

"Only if you do the same for me," Alex told him.

"And stretch and bend and stretch and bend…" Deputy Yokel was still prancing around.

"DEPUTY IF YOU DON'T PUT YOUR PANTS ON RIGHT NOW I AM GOING TO SHOOT YOU!" Sheriff Lobo shouted. "I'M GETTING MY GUN OUT…"

"Okay, okay…" Deputy Yokel pulled on some exercise pants. "Man some people are so uptight."

"And you have no idea why?" Sheriff Lobo snapped. "Alex just take this Baywatch Reject over here and patrol the beach for the next two hours. I have to go back to the station and call my psychiatrist. I need a refill on my prescription…" He got into his jeep and drove away.

"So…There are a lot of sharks around here?" Alex asked.

"Apparently," Deputy Yokel nodded. "That's why we're needed to protect the public!"

"Both of them," Alex remarked as he saw two elderly women sunbathing in outdated swimwear.

"Yoo Hoo!" One of them waved. "I could use some sunscreen on my back!"

"I think I see a shark out there!" Alex turned around and headed for the water.

"What do you mean? There's no…" Deputy Yokel began before Alex dragged him to the water.

"I should have brought my board," Alex sighed as he was knee deep in the water. "See anything?"

"Other than that very large shadow over there no," Deputy Yokel pointed. There was a huge twelve-foot shadow under the waves.

"That shadow there?" Alex asked.

"That's not a shark is it?" Deputy Yokel gulped.

"No…" Alex blinked. "Definitely not a shark."

Suddenly something with a long green neck popped out of the water with a loud roar. "Okay…Since when do we have sea monsters hanging out around here?" Alex shouted.

"BLAST HIM!" Deputy Yokel cowered behind Alex.

"ME?" Alex shouted.

"YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE POWERS?" Deputy Yokel screamed.

"Oh yeah…" Alex gulped as the monster bore down on them. He used his powers and blasted it several times. The creature screamed and sparked as it blew apart.

"Wow that was quick…" Deputy Yokel remarked. Then he was hit on the head with a machine part. He fell down. "Oooh! Birdies…"

"I know CPR!" One of the elderly ladies ran up in a tizzy and started giving it to him.

"Uh lady I think he's breathing…" Alex blinked.

"Why do you think she's doing it?" The other elderly woman asked.

Sheriff Lobo drove up and got out of his jeep. "I saw the explosion? What happened?"

"It's some kind of robot," Alex said. He picked up some debris. "It looked like a sea monster. That's probably what was terrorizing people."

"A robot sea monster?" Sheriff Lobo blinked. "Who would make a robot sea monster to terrorize people around here? The only thing this town has of any value is the Dairy Queen?"

"Why do I have the feeling things are going to get a lot weirder around here?" Alex groaned.

"That's because Deputy Yokel has taken off his pants again," Sheriff Lobo covered his eyes. "Alex do me a favor. Hand me my gun."

Next: Some villains and…I don't know what's next but it's sure to be weird.