What's The Big Idea?
"Okay why do I have to be here?" Alex sighed. They were at a small county fair.
"To provide security," Deputy Yokel told him. He was wearing a zebra costume. "I love petting zoos!"
"Why is he…?" Alex asked Sheriff Lobo.
"Don't ask…" Sheriff Lobo groaned. "Please don't ask. Look we just need to look around and keep an eye out for pickpockets and any sign of trouble."
"Too late, trouble has found you," The Living Monolith grinned as he waited, hiding in the bushes. "That's right Havok. Thanks to my latest device you will be dead! And those harmless little animals will be your executioners!"
Then he stopped. "What? This is your idea?" The Living Monolith blinked. "RED WE NEED TO TALK!"
For crying out loud! What's wrong?
"This is what's wrong!" Monolith shook the script at the author. "This stupid script! This is the best you could come up with after all this time? Rampaging animals in a petting zoo?"
They'll be ten times their normal size and radioactive.
"Who cares! It's still lame!" Monolith shouted. "It sounds like you ripped it off of a bad 70's cartoon!"
"Knowing her she probably did," Sheriff Lobo sighed as he, Alex and Deputy Yokel walked up. "What's the hold up?"
"This is ridiculous! I will not do this!" Monolith snapped. "I am supposed to be an evil, ruthless villain and I will not be reduced to some second rate stooge!"
"What if we make you a first rate stooge?" Deputy Yokel asked.
"I think you have that title hands down," Sheriff Lobo groaned.
"I don't know why you're complaining," Alex said. "This fic was supposed to be about me and the troubles I have dealing with my mutant powers. And what happens? I feel like a joke!"
"Welcome to my world," Sheriff Lobo groaned.
"Thank goodness she hasn't done anything humiliating to me," Deputy Yokel sighed. "Hey is my tail crooked?"
"You know they've got a point," Hal said as he and Dave walked up to the others. "We're supposed to be Alex's best friends and all we got was one scene in this lousy fic!"
"Yeah I mean this really sucks," Dave said.
"See? Even the stereotypical stoners here can see this script is nothing but garbage!" Monolith snapped.
"Hey who are you calling a stoner pal?" Dave snapped. "I'll have you know I have a perfect 4.0 grade average!"
"Yeah and I do volunteer work at the nursing home where my grandma lives," Hal said. "I resent that implication just because we're teens who like to surf we waste our lives."
"That's really low man," Dave said.
"Well excuse me!" Monolith snapped. "I'm a villain! What do you expect? All smiles and sunshine?"
"You don't have to be so rude," Deputy Yokel said.
"Oh go graze on someone's lawn!" Monolith told him.
All right! All right! I admit it! The script is lame! I've got writer's block okay?
"You don't seem to have writer's block on any of your other fics," Alex folded his arms.
"Yeah you're zipping along with those," Sheriff Lobo.
"Well that is it," Monolith huffed. "I refuse to go on with this travesty. I won't do it. I refuse to act like a common buffoon in a substandard mid season show that's going to be replaced by some god awful reality show. I did not spend years at Yale and some of the best drama academies for this!"
"Don't forget those two months at hairdressing school," Deputy Yokel said. "Before you flunked out."
"That explains a lot," Sheriff Lobo said.
"I did not flunk out! I decided to leave when I realized I had a much higher calling!" Monolith snarled.
"Yeah you decided to leave right after they kicked you out," Dave snorted.
"SHUT UP!" Monolith screamed.
Does anyone else have problems like this? Look guys, maybe I can work on something…
"It's too late for that," Monolith snapped. "I'm sorry! I've had it. I quit. That's it, I quit."
"What do you mean you quit?" Alex asked. "You can't quit. We're in the middle of a fic here. Okay it's a stupid fic where I don't get enough lines but still…"
"I'm finished! I'm quitting! That's all!" Monolith snapped. "If anyone needs me I will be in my dressing room!"
Oh for crying out loud….
That's when Senator Kelly stormed in. "What the hell are you doing? Get back here you wimp!"
"Who are you calling a wimp?" Monolith snarled.
"Yeah you're not even in this fic," Alex scratched his head.
"I heard what this pathetic excuse for a mutant said," Kelly pointed. "You don't like your lines? Think you're getting a raw deal? Well boo freaking hoo! Cry me a river! I get lousy lines and jobs all the time in fics but do you hear me complaining? I've been shot, mauled by dogs, turtles, snakes as well as practically every animal on the planet! You name it, it bit me! I have a bite from a two headed turtle pal in a place I can't even mention but do you hear me giving up?"
Sheriff Lobo looked at the author. "Red, what is Kelly doing here?"
I don't know! He just popped in all of the sudden! He just slipped out of my mind!
"I think the warranty's expired on your brain," Sheriff Lobo grumbled.
"I've had a ton of lousy scripts and lines but unlike some people I am a professional," Kelly said.
"And just what is that supposed to mean?" Monolith snarled.
"He called you a poser, that's what he means," Hal told him.
"WHAT?" Monolith shouted.
"Just what the punk said," Kelly told him.
"Dude I am not…I go to church every freaking Sunday!" Hal shouted. "I am not a stereotype!"
"It's losers like you that give us Villains a bad name!" Sabertooth stormed in.
"I am not a villain!" Kelly said. "And what the hell are you doing here?"
"Yeah right," Sabertooth snorted. "And I'm taking anger management classes!"
"Really? Are they working?" Deputy Yokel asked.
"Didn't I have you for breakfast the other day?" Sabertooth growled at him.
Sheriff Lobo looked at the author. "Another little slip of the mind?"
"Her mind slipped years ago," Selene walked in with Luna and Stella. "I don't know why you're all shocked at this."
Okay, it's official. I've completely lost control of this fic. I don't know what happened. I had a plan. It just…went to pieces.
"Yeah like the Monolith's acting skills," Kelly said.
"All right! That's it!" Monolith snapped. "Prepare to get your posterior pummeled by my feet of fury!"
"Huh?" Deputy Yokel scratched his head.
"He's gonna kick his butt," Alex told him.
"Oh," Deputy Yokel nodded.
"Bring it on Freak!" Kelly shouted.
"Yeah even he can take you," Luna pointed out.
"I dunno," Stella said. "I think they're both wimps."
"WHAT?" Kelly and Monolith shouted. Soon the four of them were in a screaming match with each other.
"So what are you doing here?" Alex asked the other two villains.
"I got bored," Sabertooth shrugged.
"Well I was supposed to be introduced as Stella and Luna's grandmother in this chapter but I don't think it's going to happen now," Selene explained.
"You're their grandmother?" Sabertooth blinked.
"I'm a centuries old immortal sorceress mutant," Selene looked at him. "What? Is it that hard to imagine that I would have a child from time to time?"
"O-kay," Deputy Yokel watched the four fighting. "I guess they do take after you huh?"
"How would you like to be dumped in the middle of the Savannah surrounded by a pride of hungry lions?" Selene snapped. "That can be arranged!"
What happened to this fic? It was going along so well.
"It was?" Sheriff Lobo asked. "That's it! I'm going to get a beer."
"I'll join you," Selene sighed. "I can't watch these idiots any more."
"Not me," Sabertooth snickered. "Nothin' funnier than a geek fight."
"I think I'd better go talk to my agent," Alex grumbled.
And I'd better get some medication…And a larger mallet. Sorry folks but this fic will be put off for a while. At least until I get my imagination under control. KELLY! DON'T BITE THE MONOLITH'S EAR OFF! STOP IT!