Chapter 4

Sydney's POV

Over the next couple of weeks, I began to suffer from bad dreams almost every night. Both Michael and Francie knew about them, but I always recovered from them quickly and suffered no bouts of illness in my waking hours. For that reason, I mentioned them to Barnett only in passing during my weekly visit. After another couple of weeks passed in this way. though, Michael began to suggest I talk to Barnett more deeply about things.

"Michael... I've been through a lot worse in the last year and a half than a few nightmares. So I've missed a little sleep. That's not nearly the same thing as what I went through before. They'll pass. You worry too much, you really do."

He sighed. "Maybe I do," he said quietly. "But I don't think I'm overreacting by telling you you should be honest with your doctor about how bad things are. You haven't told anyone what they're about. If you can't tell me, then I was hoping you'd explain them to her. You haven't even been able to concentrate on helping me decide things for the wedding yet. I know we haven't even officially set a date, but I thought you'd have fun planning things. Is that what the dreams are about? Don't you want to get married?"

"Michael, of course I do! My dreams aren't about anything like that. They're more complicated than that. I can't..."

His eyes suddenly flashed with anger, making me draw away from him. "You can, if you trust me like you always have!" he snapped. "You've always trusted me enough to tell me everything. Maybe I won't be able to make things better, but at least I'll know what the problem is, and that's a start."

"You're right," I whispered, unable to meet his eyes. "I'm sorry I haven't explained before. It's just so real, and I was afraid that if I said it out loud it might... That I might slip away from you again, like I used to. That's all."

"Oh... Well, in that case, wait until you're ready. I don't want to force you, Sydney. You look so tired and upset all the time lately. I wish I could help."

I looked into Michael's earnest, gentle face and wished that I could tell him everything. But I didn't even have the words to explain what I saw when I slept. It hurt me not being able to tell him, but it was going to have to wait. No matter how much it might hurt both of us.

Michael's POV

A few days later at work, I walked out of an important private meeting with the director, only to have most of our discussion pushed from my mind when I found Eric waiting outside the office for me, with a worried look on his face.

"I thought you'd never come out of there. Sydney locked herself in your office a little while ago. I tried talking to her, but she never said a word. Dixon called Barnett, so she's there now too, but she isn't having any better luck."

Eric said nothing more as we swiftly made our way back to my office. When we arrived there, the door was still firmly shut. Barnett was still trying to get Sydney to open up to her, but there wasn't a single sound coming from the other side of the door. After a moment, Barnett moved away from the door, waving me forward silently. I stopped a couple of steps short of the door and said as firmly as I could,

"Sydney, it's me, Michael. You don't have to talk to me yet if you don't want to. But please open the door, let me come in."

Eric and Barnett threw quizzical looks in my direction. They both knew I had a key to my office door, and had expected me to use it. "I'm not going to force my way in there and risk scaring her more. She'll open the door when she's ready."

Less than five minutes later, I heard the lock click, and then Sydney slowly opened the door. Her eyes were red, her face still tearstained. She stepped aside to allow me to enter, and I did. Sydney blocked the way quickly when Barnett attempted to follow me inside. "Not you," Sydney said hollowly. "You won't understand. I only want Michael, and Eric... If that's okay." Sydney was looking at me as she said the last part, and I nodded immediately. "Of course it's all right," I whispered. Less than five minutes later, Eric had joined us in my office. Sydney quickly shut the door again... and re-locked it. My brow furrowed with worry as I asked her why she had done that.

"To keep him out... To make him stop following me." Sydney said, her voice dripping with fear. Even though I was sure I knew the answer to my next question, I had to ask it. I had to be sure.

"To make who stop following you, Syd?"

"Daddy," she answered simply.

Eric and I glanced at each other, and I found myself unable to say anything just yet. Eric took over for me, suggesting that Sydney take a seat in the chair behind my desk. Once she had, Eric knelt in front of her. "When did he start following you, Sydney?" He asked gently.

"First thing this morning. I came out of my house, and I thought I saw him then. I tried to push it out of my mind, but then when I got here, I saw him again. Everywhere I look I see him... Finally I came in here and locked the door. I thought I'd be safe here. I don't see him now. I don't want him to come back again!" Sydney burst into tears,

I couldn't be silent any longer, so I went to stand beside the chair and placed an arm around Sydney's shoulders. Once her tears had ebbed a little, I spoke to her softly. "I know how scared that must have made you, and I'm sorry, Sydney. I would have come here sooner, but I had a very important meeting. Once you feel up to it, we need to go outside, okay? You need to talk to Barnett about this. She can help you, honey. You have to let her try."

"I don't have to do anything! Why do you think I said I didn't want her in here? She won't want to help, she'll just want to lock me away somewhere or something. She doesn't understand me, I don't care what she says. You sound just like her. If that's how you feel, I want you to go outside!"

Seeing how upset I was making Sydney, I knew I really should leave the room. But I wasn't ready to give up quite so easily. "Sydney, that's not fair," I said gently. "You know I don't like her any more than you do. But if she can make you feel better, shouldn't you let her try? You know we wouldn't leave you alone with her unless you're ready. Please?"

Sydney nodded tiredly. "Okay, let her in," she said simply.

I went over and slowly opened the door, thinking Sydney was making progress. But as soon as Barnett stepped inside, Sydney's eyes widened, then she squeezed them shut and began fiercely shaking her head.

"I told you she shouldn't come in. Now he's in here too! He followed her in here. Make him stop looking at me!"

Now we all knew Sydney was having a full blown episode. As she moved to hide in a corner of my office, I went to kneel beside her, hugging her as tightly as I dared. She sobbed into my shoulder, her eyes still tightly closed. Eric watched us silently, but Barnett approached without an invitation. I shook my head at her, but she kept coming closer anyway. When she reached out to touch Sydney's arm, she was rewarded with a scream.

"I said no!" I growled at her. "Sydney isn't ready yet. Just let us sit here. Let her calm down first! If you don't, I'll call Kendall and tell him to throw you out. If you don't believe me, you just try laying a hand on Sydney again!"

Dr. Barnett rose and backed away, then went quickly toward the door. Once there, she paused and said, "I've seen things like this before, you know. When she hasn't calmed down in an hour or so, I want you to call me back. She'll be so tired she won't have the strength to fight me then. And if I know Sydney like I think I do, neither will you."

I scowled as Barnett left and shut the door. Eric went and locked it behind her to prevent Sydney from getting any more upset. After a few more minutes had passed, Sydney slowly opened her eyes. Once she had, she looked like she wanted to scream again, but she held it back.

"He's still in here," she said in a shaky voice. "It won't matter where we go... he'll be there, too. Why is he doing this to me now? I've told him I'm sorry, and I didn't mean it! What else can I say?"

"Nothing," I said, my voice strangely calm. I knew Sydney wouldn't believe me if I said her dad wasn't really there in the room with us. At least not yet. So I focused my energy on distracting her, trying to make her think of other things.

"Hey, Sydney," I began in the most relaxed tone I could muster. "On Friday why don't I come over to your place and cook you dinner for a change? It's always you that cooks for me. I think it's my turn. What should we have?"

Sydney appeared to have heard me, because she shook her head and mumbled something. I asked her to repeat it because I couldn't hear it.

"I don't want to eat anything... I can't think about food. I want someone to get him OUT. Make him stop staring at me! His eyes are burning me! It hurts..."

Sydney stopped speaking, and opened her eyes. She stared fixedly at her hands, then began clenching them into fists. "It's making my hands ache. You've always been able to make him go away before, Michael. Why won't he leave?"

"I don't know, honey. If you don't want to see him, it's okay to keep your eyes closed. Just take nice deep breaths, and think about other things, okay?"

Sydney slowly closed her eyes again, and once she seemed more relaxed, I stood and walked over to where Eric stood. I hadn't said anything yet when Sydney sensed the change. "Michael? Where are you going? You can't leave! If you leave he'll touch me!"

I'd been planning to go ask Barnett to come back, and go tell Kendall what was happening. I asked Eric to do these things instead, and returned to kneel beside Sydney. I told her several times that I was still there, that I wasn't leaving, but by now she was crying hysterically and would not be comforted. Nonetheless, I held her tightly until Barnett arrived and said she would give Sydney sedating medication. As she'd predicted, Sydney was too exhausted to fight her, and even I knew the time had come for such measures. Once Sydney was unconscious in my arms and Barnett could speak to me clamly, she said,

"Agent Vaughn, I think it's time you considered checking Sydney in for in-patient care. Since she has no immediate family that can sign the forms, I think it should be your decision. She loves you and trusts you to do what's best for her. That medicine will keep her knocked out for quite some time, you have a while to consider things, if you'd like to be left alone to decide, I can come back..."

"No, I don't need time. You're right. But it's not my decision. I have to make a call, then I'll know what we should do next."

Barnett gazed at me, puzzled. "A call? To whom?"

I met Barnett's eyes, having only a slight idea of how she might take what I was about to say. Still, the time had come to be honest, whether I was ready or not. "Her father," I said simply.

"Agent Vaughn, this isn't the time for games. If you can't deal with signing the papers, I'll understand. I'll have the authority to do that if I have to. But I don't see how sharing in Sydney's delusion is going to help any of us right now!"

"I'm not joking. He showed up at my door a couple of weeks ago... At first I DID think I was imagining it, but it was him. He came in, and we talked... he asked me how Sydney was. Somehow, he knew she'd been ill last year. He'll want to know about this, and it's his decision, not mine. I know where to reach him, if you don't believe me you can speak to him yourself. But it's very important, I have to tell him."

"Of course... Go right ahead, I'll take Sydney." I placed her gently in Barnett's arms. Though Sydney wasn't aware of anything, I heard Barnett whispering to her as I dialed the number of Jack's hotel. Once I was put through to his room, he picked up almost immediately.

"Hello," Jack said, a little harshly.

"Jack, it's me," I said quickly. "I hate calling you like this, but I need to ask you something. Sydney just had a major attack of her illness, she's sedated right now, and Dr. Barnett says she should really be admitted for in-patient care. I could sign the forms if you'd rather, but you're her dad, not me, and I thought..."

Jack sighed. "I understand. What do you think, do you agree with Barnett?"

"I hate to admit it, but yes, I do. She was hysterical, noone could get through to her. She said you were following her. At first I thought maybe you'd come here to get a glimpse of her and she'd seen you. But after a while we realized it was all in her mind. If... if you come to the hospital to sign the papers, you can probably see her for a few minutes. She'll still be sedated... She'll never know, I promise."

"Of course I'll come, I'll leave as soon as we hang up. Memorial Hospital, nearest the office, or somewhere else?"

"Memorial, yeah. I'll see you in a little while, Jack. Goodbye."

As soon As I hung up, I knelt and lifted Sydney into my arms. Eric was waiting outside the door when Barnett opened it, so I told him where we were headed and asked that he and Dixon meet us there as soon as possible. From there, Barnett and I left the building by the staircase, so everyone else wouldn't see Sydney in such a state. The drive to the hospital in my car passed in a haze. I drove, though, and that forced me to focus. Once we arrived and I was carrying Sydney inside, Barnett tried to engage me in conversation to distract me, but I wouldn't take her cue.

I took Sydney to the emergency room, knowing that from there she would be sent to the psychiatric wing. The hardest part was leaving Sydney alone with the doctors and being completely unable to help her. Barnett waited around with me for a while, but didn't try to talk to me anymore. I was grateful for the lack of small talk, since I was far too worried to want to bother with such things. Jack arrived a half hour after we had, having checked the emergency area first. He approached me and barely said hello before inquiring after his daughter. I saw Barnett watching us, trying to believe she was seeing Jack alive and well.

"Is she still in there?" Jack asked tensely.

"As far as I know. No doctor has come to talk to me yet. It shouldn't be long. Once she gets over to the psychiatrist it shouldn't take long for them to decide on admission. You can go in and see her before you sign everything, I think. You should go in as soon as you can, so there's less risk she'll wake up. If she saw you, I couldn't imagine what..."

"It will be all right, Agent Vaughn. I have another dose of the medicine if it's needed. Sydney could use the rest, anyway." She turned to Jack, unable to hide her surprise. "Agent Bristow, how did you...?"

Jack's eyes turned icy, and I knew instinctively what he was going to say. "This isn't the time or the place to talk about that. And it's none of your business, in any case. I came here to do what I can to help my daughter, and that is all. Now, if you'd go away and leave us alone, I can focus on what's important."

Barnett took the hint and went off down a hallway to give Jack and I time alone. As soon as we were by ourselves I apologized to Jack. "It was horrible, calling you out of the blue like that. But I thought you had to know. Everything happened sio fast... It was just over an hour, I think... I lost track. I've never seen her so hysterical. She kept asking me why you were staring at her, and why couldn't I make you go away. Nothing I said helped her. I could always help her before!"

"Michael, you can't do everything. Sydney is very sick. We have to let the doctors help her now. One day, when she's ready, I'd like to give you a letter to give to her. After she's read it, I think she'll tell you if she's ready to see me. But if she isn't, please don't push her. It has to be when she's absolutely certain, not before. Trying to rush things would only hurt her more, and I won't do that."

"I know, I understand. I'm glad you came... I should really call Francie and tell her Sydney is here. I'll be back in a few minutes."

It only took me abiout ten minutes to place the call on my cell phone, explain things to Francie and return to the waiting area, but by the time I got back there, Jack was talking with a doctor. When I walked up to them, the doctor quickly filled me in. "Since Ms. Bristow was a patient here before, I was able to read her file and decide what the next move should be. If you agree, I'd like to admit her, at least overnight. Once she wakes up, we can evaluate her and see if she should stay. One of you will have to decide, since she's in no condition to say..."

"Yes, I think you're right," Jack spoke up immediately. "I'll sign whatever you need me to, but I'd really like to see my daughter first, as soon as she's in a room. It would make me feel better, to see that she's being taken care of."

"Of course. We'll be taking her to a bed in the psychiatric ward in just a few minutes. Since she's still unconscious, it won't take long. The rest is what's best for her right now, so if necessary she'll be given more medication before anyone is allowed in the room. Just head over to the other wing, and you can both visit with her in about twenty minutes."

Those twenty minutes seemed to last about twenty years, even with the majority of those minutes being taken up by or trip over to the ward. As we stood waiting outside Sydney's room, Jack began to pace. Hearing nothing but a pair of nurse's voices coming from inside the room, I thought back to the times Sydney had drifted away into the strange fog of hers, not speaking to anyone for days at a time.

"I hate the quiet," I blurted out. "It's always worse when she's so quiet. It makes me feel like she's not really here..."

"I suppose," Jack said, more to himself than to me. "But it's worse hearing her scream... knowing she's suffering, and there's nothing you can do."

I knew there was probably more behind what Jack had said, but I had no desire to press him. Less than five minutes later, the two nurses emerged from Sydney's room. One of them nodded at both of us."You can go in now," she added gently. Jack glanced at me, but I shook my head. "You first," was all I said.

Jack's POV

Entering that room and looking into Sydney's face was harder than I'd thought it would be. What helped was that her eyes were closed. I'd see none of her pain or suffering in her eyes... At least not yet. I sat in the chair beside the bed, and spent the next several minutes simply looking at her. She seemed to be only sleeping, but she was so still I knew the sedative was still doing its job. In the next moment, I stood, lifted Sydney carefully from the bed, then sat down again, cradiling my daughter in my arms.

"Sydney, I've missed you so much... almost as much as you've missed me. I'm sorry you've been through so much pain. Once you're better, I'll be back to see you. Then we can sit and talk all you want, for hours and hours. You think I died because of you, sweetheart, but the truth is that I'm alive because of you. Thinking about you, hoping for the day I'd see you again... That's what got me through all of my own pain. It was all worth it though, to see you. I know you're very ill right now, but you're so strong, Sydney. I know you'll get better. I hope it won't be very long until I see you again. I love you, Sydney. It's time for me to go now, so I need to put you back into bed."

I did this as quickly and quietly as I could. Then I kissed Sydney on the forehead and forced myself to turn and walk out without a pause, knowing that if I stopped even for a second, I would never leave. We'd been apart so long already, the last thing I wanted was to leave her again. But I had paperwork to deal with, and Michael was waiting for his turn at seeing Sydney. The one thing that made it easier to leave my little girl one more time was the thought that Michael loved her as much as I did, and I could trust him to take care of her.