Chapter 11

I sat for a long time, holding her and talking to her. I felt that this was what we both needed: time alone together. If she was going to heal, we needed more times like these. Right now, the best thing in the world was for us to spend more time like this throughout the weeks to come. I wanted to be sure that we'd both savor these moments so that when the time came that only one of us was left to remember them, they were there. I concentrated on the details of the experience. I memorized the room, my daughter's position in my lap, the feeling of her warm breath in my chest as she relaxed in my arms, certain that I would protect her. It was too soon for her to know what I had done, so I kept it from her. All I wanted her to remember was the feeling of being safe in my arms. We had a long road ahead of us, and we both knew it.

The good feeling of one moment turned into horror during the next. Sydney started to scream loudly. "Why am I here? I shouldn't be here! I want to go home! I don't want to be in the hospital!" I was stunned, and I tried to convince her that she was at home in her new room with me, but apparently she did not even hear me. She just said, "No! You can't be alive! I killed you! And Michael too!"

With that, she pushed herself off the bed and ran to the bathroom. By the time I caught up with her, she had locked herself in and I heard loud banging inside.

I assumed she had heard or seen something reminding her of the hospital experiences of the last few weeks. I knew how much she had hated the hospitals, and I therefore knew that she would try to escape the world she thought she was in. I had no time to plan a rescue mission. I had to act on whatever ideas came to my mind to get her out.

Michael and Simone had heard her screams and come immediately to see what was wrong. Simone was first to ask. "What happened?"

I shrugged, and quickly replied. "I don't know. I was talking to her and hugging her one minute and the next she screamed. I don't even know what triggered it."

Michael was at the door, trying to coax Sydney out, but she did not respond. All we heard from inside was loud banging, and then the water began to run. I knew that her state of mind couldn't be good, and from what I had seen before on the tapes, I knew that she could be doing anything to herself in there. I had the scars on my hands to prove it. I was just thankful that I was here this time to help.

I told Michael to stand aside as I put my door-bashing skills to good use. Once I got the door open, I immediately ran to get Sydney out of the bathtub where she was just beginning to submerse herself in the water, clothes and all.

I was thankful that I had chosen to act when I did because just as we got in the water was barely covering her face. She was choking lightly from inhaling some of the water. She was not asleep, but she did not recognize that any of us was there with her. Her head and knees were bleeding, as well as her arms. She had apparently been using the appliances in the bathroom to harm herself. There were marks on the wall and sink where she had been hitting her body.

I knew she would not do these things under normal circumstances, and that she was not behaving normally, but there was no way to prevent this kind of thing from happening again, so I knew we would have to take her to the doctor again, despite Sydney's obvious aversion.

Occasionally, she would scream: "I killed them! Both of them! Oh, save me! What should I do? I killed them!" She would cry silently for a few minutes, and then repeat the process. I didn't know what to say. It appeared she wasn't hearing anything anyway, so Michael and I just had to make sure that her wounds were tended to.

Simone made a call to the doctor and he told us to come in immediately, as I had expected. I had already begun moving toward the door when Simone came in. I was grateful to see that Irina's body had been removed completely from my yard, so that there was no chance that Sydney would see it, even though she wasn't really aware of her surroundings in the first place.

Sydney continued the pattern of screaming and crying, sometimes fading completely out of consciousness, all the way to the hospital. Once we were there, the bouts of screaming intensified, and I knew we were in for a long night.

I knew Sydney was completely unable to focus on what was really going on around her. She just kept screaming that she wanted to be let out, she wanted to go home. Michael and I both tried in vain to calm her, until finally the doctors had to sedate her in order to treat her.

Sydney's wounds turned out to be mostly superficial, except one gash in her right wrist. Once she was stitched and bandaged up, Michael and I were allowed to join her in the room she'd been placed in for the night, to watch over her until she woke up.

"This is what it felt like during the worst times last year, wasn't it, Michael?"

He looked up at me, reluctantly tearing his gaze from Sydney's sleeping face. "Yeah, it is," he whispered. "That feeling when she has no idea what's going on...That's always the worst. I always felt so helpless. I tried my best, but there was so little I could do..."

"You aren't alone in that, Michael," I whispered back. "I wasn't able to do anything either. She couldn't even hear me. If I'd gotten into that room any later, she could have killed herself!"

I knew how angry I sounded, and I saw Michael hesitate to speak, fearing it was directed at him. I went on, hoping to make myself more clear. "I've been gone so long, I couldn't live with myself if I failed her now. She's depending on me. For the first time in her life, she doesn't just need my help, she WANTS it. Of all the times to nearly fail her so completely!"

"Jack, that's unfair. There isn't anything anyone could have done. Not you, not me or Simone. What matters is that Sydney is going to be okay. We should be able to take her home tomorrow. Simone is just sitting out there in the hall. Shouldn't one of us go tell her what's going on? I asked her to come in here, she said no."

I had been so busy thinking of Sydney that I had forgotten to inquire about Simone. I immediately volunteered to go out and be with her, giving Michael a chance to talk to Sydney, even if she couldn't hear him.

I stopped at a vending machine on the way out to the waiting room and got a couple of ice cream sandwiches. We hadn't eaten since dinner, and it had been a few hours, so I wanted to have a snack. I brought them both out to the waiting room, where Simone lay stretched across three of the chairs. She was not asleep, and she sat up when she saw me. The look of worry disappeared when she saw the ice cream I was offering her.

"Hi, Dad. How's Sydney?" There was no resentment in her words, but she was not as interested as I would have liked. I could tell she was still debating whether or not she was going to stay.

"She's doing much better. I think you should come see her. She's asleep now anyway, and the presence of family members is supposed to have immense healing powers. At least that's what I've heard. Who knows if it's true?"

"I don't really think she believes I'm part of this family. And, honestly, it kind of scares me to be in there with her. I've never seen her hurt herself like that before, and I don't want to see it ever again. I just feel so helpless, and on top of that, I know she doesn't really want me around anyway."

"…yet." I corrected her.

"What?"

"She doesn't want you around yet."

"Ok, but who's to say how long it will take for her to accept me?"

"Simone, I know you're going through a lot right now, but let me assure you, whether she wants you at this moment or not, she needs you. She may not want to admit it, but she needs you. I believe she needs you even more than me or Michael. She has never really had a woman to confide in. Normally, a girl's mother would be that person, but not only is her mother dead, but she wasn't really ever involved in the first place. There are certain voids that Michael and I can fill, but she needs someone like her with whom she can share secrets and feel comfortable. I want you to do this for me, Simone. Wait. I take that back. Do it for Sydney. Please?"

Simone sat there a few minutes, taking the time to eat the snack I'd brought her before she rose from the chair and nodded at me.

"Okay, Dad," she said softly. "Just for a few minutes. I'm afraid of what might happen when she wakes up..."

I understood exactly how Simone felt, but I simply nodded in agreement. When the two of us entered the room, Michael looked up from his place beside Sydney's bed. I saw he was holding her hand tightly.

"Simone," he whispered. "I'm glad you came... She'll be happy you were here. She's asleep, you can come closer... If you want to."

"I... I don't think so." Simone actually took a step or two backward, so she was standing in the doorway. "She looks so small, lying there like that. Are the doctors sure she'll wake up?"

"She always has before." I knew this was the most comfort Michael could offer either of us. "After her really bad episodes like that, she shuts down for a while. When she's ready, she'll come back to us."

For the first time, I saw a touch of hope in Simone's eyes, and I began to hope she wanted to stay in the country more than even she realized. I decided to try talking to Sydney myself and see if that would help reassure all of us even more. I crossed the room and stood on the opposite side of the bed from Michael. Then I gently took Sydney's other hand.

"Sydney, it's Dad. I know you were really scared before, but everyone is here, waiting for you to wake up. Michael, Simone and I are all here. I'll stay here as long as it takes for you to come back. I'm sure you feel safe wherever you've gone, sweetheart, but I promise you from now on I'll be more careful. You'll be safe at home, too. I'd never let anyone hurt you, Sydney."

Michael's POV

I knew what it had taken for Jack to say those things, especially in front of other people. That proved to me just how desperate he was for Sydney to open her eyes and talk to him, to tell him she was all right.

We all watched her closely for a few minutes, but she showed no sign of waking. Jack looked so defeated I had to say something.

"It always takes longer than this. I think she always hears what we say... She's just not ready. Tomorrow will be better."

Simone stepped closer, leveling an angry gaze at me. "Wait, you mean to tell me you aren't even going to try getting her back again until tomorrow? You're going to let her lie there like that all night and not say ANYTHING?"Of course I'll talk to her," I said calmly. "I'm just not going to push her to come back. She's not ready, I can tell. Please be careful of your tone of voice. Angry voices make her more frightened. You have a right to be angry, but I don't want to push her any further away... That's all."

I was surprised to see an understanding in Simone's eyes. She was not angry with me, and she had understood what I had to say. What she said next was not out of spite, but rather out of trust. "Ok, Michael. I'll trust you on this. Sydney, I don't know if you can hear me, or even care, but I miss you. I'd like to get to know you but I'm beginning to understand that you're not ready to talk. Just to make things fair, I'm going to stay here with you until you decide you want to come back. I want to be friends. If that means I have to leave, that's what I'll do, but I want you to come back. I want to build a relationship."

The transformation had been amazing. Within a few short hours, Simone had gone from a firm decision to go back to France to a firm decision to stay at her sister's bedside. As if that was not amazing enough, Sydney actually opened her eyes and managed a weak smile, as if in response to Simone's last statement. I fought the urge to run back to Sydney's bed and pull her up into my arms. Instead I let Simone carefully take her hand and hold it.

This symbol of life was just what we all needed. Even though she had faded right back into her semi-consciousness, it was the encouragement that we needed to stick by her side. It gave us hope that she would come around eventually. It was anyone's guess how long it would be.

I made eye contact with Jack, and I knew we were both fighting the same urge. Simone had started crying, but she was holding fast to Sydney's hand. I hoped against hope that Sydney would awaken in this moment and smile for her sister again.

If Sydney didn't wake up soon the doctors were threatening a feeding tube, and that was the last thing Sydney needed. If they put one of those in her she may never have come out of her shell. What she needed now was gentle coaxing and lots of love. She needed to know that she was missed and wanted in this life and that everything would be ok once she was well again. It was our job to convince her of that.

When Sydney still did not awaken after several hours, Jack and I asked Simone if she would stay with Sydney while we went out to get some lunch. Our concerns for Sydney's nourishment were mounting, but our own hunger needed to be satiated as well. Simone was afraid at what might happen should Sydney wake up, but I assured her that everything would be all right, and that we would get back as soon as we could.

She reluctantly accepted, and returned to Sydney's room alone while Jack and I went out to find some food. We stopped at a nearby fast food restaurant and got hamburgers and returned to the hospital as soon as possible.

When we got back to the hospital, we encountered some problems getting in. We told them we were there to be with Sydney again, but they would not let us inside. I tried asking for details, but to no avail. Jack was visibly worried, and there was no sign of Simone. A large group of nurses and doctors passed us saying something about a patient who was screaming and approaching hysteria. I knew it had to be Sydney, and all my fears rose.

Jack and I bombarded the desk in front and demanded to be let in to the room immediately, but we were only told that everything in their power was being done, and they did not want more family in the room to get in the way. It took all my might to force myself to go sit down and wait, and even more to make Jack do the same.

Jack's POV

I could not believe that it was happening again. My daughter was in distress and I was being forcibly kept away from her when I felt my parental duty was to be near her and to help her. I could hear her screams from the other side of the wall, and I knew that she needed me. She needed Michael too.

I didn't know where Simone had gone, and I was afraid that Sydney had scared her off. There was no window in the door leading into the hall, so all Michael and I had to go by were Sydney's screams. A group of people exited through the door, and they were talking about getting a spare key. I hoped Sydney wasn't hurting herself again.

Then it dawned on me. Sydney must have locked herself in the room with Simone, not realizing that anyone else was in there with her. From the conversation of the doctors leaving the hall I could tell that Sydney had the keys, so she was going to have to be the one to let us in.

I silently thanked Simone for refusing to open the door while at the same time hoping that she could keep Sydney from harming herself inside. After an agonizing ten minutes, the door into the hallway opened, and Michael and I were allowed to enter. We were briefed on the situation, and told to take things slowly.

"She's asking for you both. Sydney thinks she's killed you and Jacqueline has convinced her to consider the fact that you two are still alive. Just as a warning, you may not like what you see in there, and you must take things slowly. Right now, Sydney is not mentally stable, and if you push her too far, she may never come back."

Michael and I looked at each other. We both understood, and wanted more than anything to help Sydney out of this, but right now, Simone had to be the savior. We just needed to follow her plan to get Sydney back to us.

After a few more minutes of discussion, Michael and I decided it would be best if we entered the room one at a time, since seeing both of us at once might be too overwhelming for Sydney. I offered to let Michael go first, but he declined.

"She lost you first," was all he said when I asked him why. I nodded and went in, wondering what I would see when I was on the other side of the door.

At first, the room seemed to be empty. There were no sounds, and I couldn't see either Simone or Sydney from the doorway. As I stepped further inside, I saw them on the floor, beside the bed. Sydney's head was in Simone's lap, and tears were running down both of their faces. Simone looked up as I approached and knelt beside them. Sydney didn't move or speak to me.

"What happened?" I questioned softly.

"After you and Michael left, she opened her eyes. At first she seemed fine. She smiled and asked me how long I'd been here with her, and we just started talking. Then all of a sudden she started looking around, asking where the two of you were... what she'd done to you... How she was only in the hospital when she'd killed you. I didn't know what to say, and then one of the doctors came in, and she screamed. She wanted them away from her.

"She started telling me she wanted to be locked in here, with me, where it would be safe. I knew it would be risky, that I might not be able to control her. But I had to try to calm her down, so I went out and talked to her doctor. He agreed, and we were locked in here about a half hour before you came back. She just kept screaming. Finally she was too tired.

"I kept talking, telling her you were coming back, that both you and Michael were fine. Finally I could see she was listening, and that she believed me. She started asking to see you..."

"Why is she crying then, and why won't she look at me?" I inquired.

Simone shook her head. "I don't know. The last thing she said was that she wanted to see you, that she had to ask you something. I really don't know, Dad."

I knelt there beside Sydney for several minutes, running my fingers through her hair and whispering to her, trying to get her to talk to me. She began to cry harder as I talked, and I knew I needed to back off. I stood and went to the door, asking Michael to come inside.

He took up the place I had just left, and Sydney instantly calmed. That should have made me feel relieved, but instead I was worried. I knew that for whatever reason, it was my being there that had made Sydney so upset. I left the room, going to sit in the hall alone, and wait for someone to come tell me how Sydney was doing.

Michael's POV

Almost as soon as I knelt beside Sydney, she stopped crying. I didn't even say a word... She simply sensed I was there. I talked to Simone a few minutes, and asked her if she'd like to go outside while I took care of Sydney.

"I'd rather stay, if that's all right," she whispered. "She asked me to stay here, and I'd feel guilty sitting out there doing nothing."

I smiled. "Okay. She might be more comfortable back in bed. I'll pick her up now."

I moved to lift Sydney into my arms. She didn't speak, but I felt her resist being moved. Her whole body tensed, and I knew it was best to leave her be.

"All right, Sydney," I whispered to her. "You can stay here with your sister. Can you tell me what got you so upset? Whatever it is, we can try to fix things so it doesn't happen again. Do you want to go home, Sydney?"

I asked her a few more questions, but she didn't answer.

"She stopped talking over a half hour ago, now," Simone explained. "She's just laid here like this. She knows people are here, and she obviously wants to stay here. I'm glad I'm helping... But I wish she'd say something."

"Me too," I admitted. "I could go to your house and get her radio in a little while, that might help. What did she say before, when it was just the two of you? Was there anything besides her panicking?"

"Not much... She was very irrational. But once, she said... She asked "How could he do that to her?" I didn't know what she was talking about, and a few seconds later she started screaming again, so I had no time to think about what it might mean. Do you know?"

"No, I..." I paused, suddenly feeling unable to breathe. "Yes, Simone." I began again. "I think I do."

I didn't want to finish with Sydney in the room in case I was wrong, and I wanted Jack to hear as well, so Simone and I went out to meet him and the three of us went out into the waiting room to talk. Simone explained again to Jack, and when she was finished, I began to describe what I thought Sydney had reacted to.

"Well, I think that somehow, Sydney found out what happened to her mother. Simone, didn't you say that she was asking about why he did that to her or something? I think that somehow, Sydney found out that Jack killed your mom, and now she's confused. She's had to deal with so many false deaths and real deaths recently that she's conflicted. She doesn't know whether or not to believe it."

Jack picked up my sentence. "First I 'die' and then she thinks she's killed you, Michael, and then Francie, and now her mom. It must all be very confusing and heartbreaking for her. Imagine how mortal she must feel right now."

Simone chimed in her thoughts as well. "It would be hard, though. Especially after everything she went through after your 'murder', Dad. She kept 'seeing' you when you weren't there, and she had a tough time believing it when you did come back too. And to top it all off with Michael's disappearance and Francie's death, and now the death of our mom. It must just be too much to handle."

"But how did she find out?" I asked. "We were all careful not to tell her, and if she had heard the shot, she would have reacted a lot sooner, don't you think?"

We all thought for a while, and suddenly, Jack said quietly, "The clean-up crews. They must have been talking about it outside, and Sydney could have heard it. I can't believe this. Even in death, Irina's torturing my daughter."

I was thankful that Simone took the initiative and spoke up to reassure her father. It was not my place. "Dad, it's ok. She fooled a lot of people. I know Sydney doesn't remember her very well, and she did some terrible things to all of us, but we need to put her behind us. This family needs to move on without her."

He replied coldly, trying to withhold his emotions, "But how do we do that when she's had such a negative influence on all of us?"

Simone's answer was simple. "We'll get through this. All of us. Together."