Chapter 12

Michael's POV

It was only three days later that Sydney came home from the hospital. She was still talking very little, mostly to me and Simone, and hadn't told any of us what had upset her so much a few days before.

Once we were all inside, I went to the kitchen to make us all something for lunch. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sydney walking away, toward her bedroom. Jack just watched her, and I knew he only stayed where he was because he was sure Sydney wouldn't talk to him. Simone began to follow her sister, but I rested a hand on her arm.

"I'll go," I said softly. "I think it's my turn this time. I'll be back as soon as I can to make the lunch. We all have to eat something."

"I'll take care of it, Michael. Just go see what you can do for her. She's still so quiet. She's not usually like that."

"No, she isn't," I said as I walked away. I felt Jack's eyes on me as I walked down the hall toward Sydney's room. When I reached the door, I found it locked. I knocked loudly.

"Sydney, please let me in," I whispered.

"Go away, Michael," Sydney said without opening the door. "I don't want to talk to anybody right now. Please just leave me alone."

"No, Sydney," I answered calmly. "I won't leave you alone. Please open the door. Whatever is the matter, I want to help you."

The door suddenly jerked open. "No you don't!" Sydney snapped. "You're all so busy trying to act like everything is normal, that I'm 'all better.' You don't want to hear anything about how I feel!"

I reached out quickly, before she could slam the door in my face. "Yes I do, Sydney. You know you can always tell me things. Actually, this time you don't have to. I know you don't want to tell your dad you heard those people talking about what he did to your mom. You don't have to, Syd. He knows; we all do."

She stepped back from the door, a silent invitation for me to come in and shut the door, I was sure. That's exactly what I did, and after we were both seated on the bed, Sydney spoke again.

"How? I haven't told anyone about that."

"Well, yes you did, sort of. Simone said that while the two of you were alone in the hospital room you said something like 'How could he do that to her?' We were able to put the pieces together from there. That's why you aren't talking to him, isn't it?"

Sydney only shook her head in reply at first. Then she added very softly. "I'm not mad at him Michael... She hurt him a lot while he was gone, so I guess that's part of the reason he did it... But if not for me, I don't think he would have. It's because of me. I know him... He saw her as a threat to my well-being when she showed up here. I'm not a little girl anymore; he doesn't have to protect me that way now!"

Sydney burst into tears, and I considered asking Jack to come in to talk to Sydney about this. One more look at her face and I knew she wasn't ready. She'd let me in because I was the one she wanted to listen... and to make her understand.

"Sydney, you may not be a little girl anymore, but you're still his daughter. He's spent every day of his life since you were born protecting you. He's needed to do that, and I know you realize that. When I first met him, I couldn't understand why he did some of the things he did. Then, as you and I got to know each other better, and I knew I'd do anything to protect you, I finally understood. Sydney, asking him to stop protecting you, to stop doing what he's done since the day you became part of his life, is like asking him to stop breathing. He does what he thinks he needs to do. Sometimes other people think what he does is the wrong thing, or even a very bad thing. But he's your father. He makes no excuses for loving you. I won't sit here and tell you I'm sorry for what he did, because I do understand why... If I'd been in his place I would have done the exact same thing."

"To get even with her for what she did to your father, right?"

Sydney was angry now, her tears vanished. I knew I had to be completely honest. Just as I could tell when Sydney was holding things back, she knew the same of me.

"That would have been part of it. A small part. Sydney, I'm not the only person she brought suffering to. She took my father away... But by leaving you, she also deprived you of your right to know not only her, but also your father, for a very long time. You know it was because of her betrayal that your father closed himself off so much, and still does. And then, when she did come back, it only made our lives more complicated and painful. I know how hard you tried to make some kind of connection with her, and up to a point you did. But that woman wasn't the person you had hoped to see again one day, was she Sydney?"

After a moment, Sydney slowly shook her head. "She was never my mother, no," she whispered. "She looked like her, and sometimes she sounded like her. But inside, she was someone else. She was so harsh, so calculating... That person wasn't my mom. She died when I was six years old. It was hard for me to keep seeing her, but I kept it up because I thought... I thought eventually I could say a proper goodbye to her. And so could Dad. I was a little girl when she went away... I can remember crying because she wasn't there, and missing her. But after a while, she was really just a dim memory, someone I loved once that had been gone so long I mostly forgot her, except a few very specific things.

"But it was different for Dad... He had to bear most of the pain. I'm not stupid; I know how hard it is for him to love anyone. Maybe it was easier, before she betrayed him like that... But I don't think so. What she did almost crushed him. So when she came back, I thought, if I did things right, maybe he'd heal too, and he'd be different... Maybe he'd stop trying to hide himself all the time, that I and everyone else that was in his life would finally get to know him. Now she's dead, and there's no chance of making things right anymore. He killed the only person he ever really loved, because of me!"

I held her until her sobs died down, and I tried again. "I know you're upset. This must be hard on you, but realize that your dad did what he did for all of us. The whole world is better without that woman. I know you had dreams of what your mother should be like and she destroyed them all, but this is reality now. I could be the mother you always dreamed of."

I knew I was in trouble when she didn't even crack a smile at my joke. I sighed and tried again. "Sydney, your dad loves you. Whether or not he…you know…killed her for you is his problem. Not yours. Not mine. Not Simone's. It's his. Plus, he has realized by now that she never loved him. She may have hurt him, but it was by no means your fault. She used you, like she used everyone, to advance her secret plans, and now she's dead. There's no one left for her to hurt or misuse, except us. Let's just make sure that she doesn't get the best of us through her death. It's exactly what she would have wanted to happen. Don't you think?"

Sydney looked up at me sincerely and replied, "I guess so," and then she sank back into my arms, sobbing. I knew the time had come when she needed to talk with her father, but I decided to let this moment last. There were hard times coming, and she needed to savor these rational moments. We were still engaged, and we needed our time together as well. I started to consider Sydney's need of me. I decided I would bring that issue up during lunch, and save Sydney's conversation with her dad for later.

Simone called us to the kitchen where we got to sample her cooking expertise while we talked. There was no question that Sydney needed the most support possible, so I decided to move in with the three of them. After some debate, and even a level of begging from Sydney, we convinced the other two that Sydney and I should share a room, just in case anything went wrong.

I was more happy that Sydney was getting engaged in the conversation than that we were going to be living together in the same room. It was the first time in a week that she had shown true interest in something, and it was a milestone. After dinner, Simone and I excused ourselves and left to go get ice cream to give Sydney and her dad some time to talk.

Sydney's POV

Once we were alone, I wasted no time in asking Dad exactly what had happened the night I'd had my most recent breakdown. To his credit, he didn't even hesitate to answer.

"Yes, Sydney, I did shoot your mother. She showed up just after Michael and Simone had taken you upstairs. She didn't ask to be allowed to see you... But she did threaten me. I have no idea why, but she said she wanted to take me away from you again. When she pulled a gun on me, I didn't hesitate to shoot her. There were other people lurking nearby, but when I killed her I'm guessing they ran away. I didn't even notice. I wanted to get inside to you."

I sat silently for a moment, and then carefully made my next statement. "But Dad, you loved her once; she was your wife... Didn't it even bother you, doing that to her? I always thought that maybe, even after what she did to you, that part of you still loved her."

"No, Sydney, I didn't," he said matter-of-factly. "I can't blame you, or even some other people, for wanting to believe that. But after she left me, any love I had for her died. Our circumstances, Sydney…They were unlike anyone else's that I knew. I had no one to talk to, and you were so small. I'd never felt so afraid in my life. I know that's no excuse for some of the things I did... and didn't do. But no matter how I felt about your mother, I always loved you. More than anyone else."

Tears sprang to my eyes, more because of the lengths my father was willing to go to for me than anything else. "But Dad..." I began softly. "How long are you going to keep protecting me this way? I know you said you didn't do that to Mom because of me... But I don't believe you. Not completely. You must have thought she'd ask to see me again, even if was only for a few minutes. With the condition I was in, I know you wouldn't have allowed that. How... How many more people's deaths have to be my fault? I can't take any more of this..."

I was sobbing too hard to go on. Dad didn't try offering any lengthy explanation now. He knew I wouldn't be able to focus on it. Instead, he allowed me to lean against him, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. We stayed that way until my tears eased sometime later. Once I'd cried myself out, I looked up at Dad and completely changed the subject.

"Michael and Simone must have gone somewhere else, Dad. That ice cream place is just over ten minutes from here. Where do you think they went? Maybe..."

I heard my voice begin to shake, and couldn't stop it. I felt my fear and near-paranoia of losing someone else in my life start to press on me. Dad rested his hands on my shoulders and nearly commanded me to look up at him.

"Sydney," he continued. "I want you to listen to me. I'm sure they're fine. Michael has his cell phone with him. If they aren't back in ten minutes, I'll call him, all right?"

"Now, Dad. I want you to call him now. Please."

Dad nodded slightly and pulled out his own phone, dialing with one hand while he grasped one of mine with the other. I watched his face closely as he waited for Michael to pick up on the other end of the line.

"Michael, it's Jack," Dad said briskly. "You need to come home now. Sydney and I were just talking, and all of a sudden she started to panic. I'll do what I can until you get here... But she needs you."

They said their good-byes and hung up, and I gave my dad the sourest look I could muster. He asked me what was wrong, and I decided to tell him. "Dad, I told you to call him to see if he was ok. What I just did was far from a breakdown. You make it sound as if I can't handle myself and like I'm so dependent on people. I'm as independent as I ever was. Just because I'm worried about where Michael is doesn't mean I'm going to have a breakdown if he doesn't get back right away. I'm not an invalid!"

He started to respond, "Sydney, I…"

"Don't 'Sydney' me! Next time I'll just call him myself. You just had to go and call him home! I only asked you to see where he was and you had to frighten him that I'm going down again. I'd like to think that attack the other day will be the last. I've been feeling so much better, and then you had to go and scare him like that."

This was the closest I had ever seen my father to crying. "Can I talk now? Are you done?"

"Yes, Daddy. I'm sorry I blew up at you. There's just been a lot of stress lately. About…things."

"I know, Sydney. I've watched you endure them. What I've had to realize is that there are some things you have to endure on your own, and I can't help you. As I was watching the tapes while I was your mother's prisoner, I felt so helpless, but it struck me today that I felt just as helpless standing right next to you. I just didn't want you to slip that far again. I thought if Michael came home that he could prevent you from leaving us…again."

I started to cry. I wasn't exactly sure why. I guess it was because of the quick change in emotions, or the honest fear inside him that I sensed. "Dad, I know you didn't mean to hurt me. I'm sorry for blowing up like that. Please, just be honest next time. I wasn't even close to a panic, was I?"

"Well, it could have been close, but you are right. I was exaggerating a little to get him home quicker. I really didn't want to lose you, and I thought that was where we were going."

Michael and Simone came home shortly after Dad and I finished talking, and we sat in the living room together eating the ice cream they brought. In the middle of our conversation, we heard a knock on the door. Dad went to answer it and Eric and Dixon walked in. I was happy to see them. They had been on an assignment for the last few weeks and hadn't been able to come see us or the new house.

We stayed up together most of the night, eating ice cream and catching up on each others' lives. It was nice to sit together with everyone who was important to me just talking. My only wish was that Francie could have shared it too, but I tried not to concentrate on that, because it would have made me even sadder. For now I had to engage with the people that were here with me and at least try to convince them that I was getting better.

It was quite late when Dixon and Eric left for their homes. Even though I should have been exhausted, I didn't feel tired at all. Simone and I cleaned up the clutter of the empty pints of ice cream, and then we all sat down to a game of Scrabble, at my suggestion. Even Dad joined us, but soon he got a phone call and excused himself from the table.

When Dad hadn't returned after over fifteen minutes, I started glancing back toward his room every few seconds, wondering what was taking so long. That maybe something was wrong... something else that was my fault.

"Sydney," Michael called loudly. "It's your turn... Do you want to stop playing?"

"No," I answered quickly. "No, it's okay."

I forced myself to concentrate long enough to take my turn, but after that, I went back to watching the door to Dad's room, waiting for it to open. I could hear his voice now... He was shouting at someone. Simone looked up at me, and I knew she heard it too.

"Sydney, he can take care of it," she said softly. "It's okay, he'll come back soon. Let's just finish the game. You need to try to relax."

She was right, and I knew it. I could feel the tension building in my body, my worry over what was happening in the next room slowly destroying my capacity to concentrate. When my next turn came, I stood up from the table.

"We'll put this away, Sydney," Michael said. "Go ahead; find out what's going on."

I smiled in gratitude as I walked away. By the time I opened Dad's door, the shouting had stopped. I found him sitting on the bed, his cell phone still in his hands, his head down, staring at the floor.

"Daddy?" I asked tentatively. "Who was that on the phone?"

"Kendall," he answered without looking up. "He wants me to leave tomorrow on a very important mission. I don't know many details; the briefing is first thing in the morning. I'm sorry, Sydney... I tried to explain, to make him understand that I need to stay here and help you. He wouldn't give me the choice to stay. And he... He wants Michael to go with me."

I took a step back. "Both of you?" I asked shakily. "Why?"

Dad looked up, his eyes filled with anger. "You know how Kendall is. He says it's necessary, and if he has to, he'll insist. I'm sorry, Sydney. I knew you'd be upset. We'll come back as soon as we can, I promise." He stood up from the bed and took a couple of steps toward me. I took a more steps backward, so I was standing in the doorway. I began shaking my head vigorously.

"You can't both go. You can't! I'll... I'll never see you again!"

I was too angry and confused to cry, but what he said next helped to calm me down. "Sydney, I love you. Michael does too. I promise you we'll come back. We won't spend an extra minute away when we could be coming home. I promise you we'll be back, Sydney. Both of us."

I knew he couldn't make that promise any more than I could, but it was enough. I knew he would make himself survive, just so that he could make it back to me. I knew he cared and he loved me. Whatever the assignment had been, I knew it had to be important to Kendall, and therefore, Dad and Michael had no hope of escaping it. I let out a sigh, and quietly relented,

"Ok, Daddy. As long as you promise."

"I promise. Sydney, I swear to you, we will come back, no matter what. Just hang in there for me, ok?"

"Yes, Daddy."

"I think it's about time for bed. It's getting late, and that argument over the phone took a lot out of me."

"I'd really rather stay up and talk. I'll wake up in the morning and you'll be gone, and I want a chance to catch up first while I'm well and everyone is here. Is that ok?"

"I can't stay up more than a half hour, but I'll give you what I can. I'll always give you what I can, from now on."

I smiled. "I'll take your word on that one, Dad. Don't let me down."

He chuckled a little bit and we went into the living room together to catch the others up on what was going to happen. I had gotten so worked up over the mission that I had forgotten that Eric and Dixon had left earlier, and I began to search for them until I remembered that they were gone. Michael and Simone were in the living room, playing Scrabble, or at least pretending. When Dad and I entered, they silently got up from their game and sat down on the couch, leaving room for us to sit side by side. I immediately started to cry, which only worried Michael and Simone. Because I could not speak through my tears, Dad began to inform them of the reason for the phone call he had received.

"Well, I've just told Sydney why Kendall called," he began.

"Oh, no!" Michael whispered in the middle of the sentence. He knew where it was going.

"I tried to convince him to pick another pair, but he's intent on having Michael and I for this mission. I don't know exactly what it is yet, but we have to be out of here tomorrow morning."

Simone straightened up immediately as soon as she got his point. "That must mean I should be the one to make sure things are ok around here, then? I don't know if I can handle it if…well, you know." She lowered her head apologetically.

I had to reassure her. I wasn't angry at her any more and I had come to terms with my illness. We never knew when it could strike, or what could trigger it. "It's ok, Simone. I understand." I made sure to be as sincere as possible, so I would not sound in any way sarcastic. I wanted her to know that I was ok with it all.

Dad continued, glad that I wasn't hurt. "Well, Simone, we could ask Dixon and Eric to help you and that way you would just be a phone call away from help at any time. I'm sure they'd be more than willing to…" The phone rang again, cutting him off. "Excuse me. It's Kendall." We all dreaded the worst.

Jack's POV

As soon as I got far enough away, I answered my phone.

"Hello?"

"Jack, the situation has changed. I need you and Vaughn here ASAP. No questions. See you in about ten minutes."

Normally I wouldn't have raised any argument, but under the circumstances I couldn't help myself. "Oh no, you aren't doing this to me, or to Sydney! She needs us both to stay here tonight, to give her time to adjust to our leaving. She really hasn't been well."

"I know that, Jack. I wouldn't be making this call to tell you you have to leave now if you didn't really have to. Get here as fast as you can... Both of you. I'll look in on Sydney myself, the day after tomorrow. See you soon."

As usual, Kendall hung up without a goodbye, not giving me time to ask where his good-hearted offer had come from. I walked quickly to the living room, knowing there was no time to lose.

"We have to go, Michael. Now. I'm sorry, Sydney, he's insisting... We'll be back as soon as we can."

I had never seen Sydney look so sad, not even when I'd left her as a little girl. She'd hardly known me then. Now she did, and she needed me. And I was leaving her. I looked into her eyes, and was amazed to see a smile spread across her face.

"It's okay, Daddy." she whispered. "I won't be by myself. You'd better hurry... You'll be late."

I knew that was Sydney's cue that we should leave before she changed her mind. Michael hugged and kissed her goodbye, and we left. I'd wanted to hug her too...but knew if I did I'd never get out the door.

Sydney's POV

After Dad and Michael left, I just sat down on the couch, not moving or saying anything. Simone sat beside me for a long time, just watching me. At last, she spoke.

"Sydney, I'm sure they'll be..."

"You can't promise me that," I broke in. "Whatever it is, it must be urgent. Everything we do is dangerous. They could both die. There's always the risk."

"Just try not to think about it. I'll be here, keeping you company, and I'll call Dixon and Eric tomorrow to see if they'll come visit. It's late, Sydney. We should get to bed."

"Yeah, I guess we should. I'll see you in the morning, then."

I got up from the couch and began walking back toward my room. "Wait, Sydney," Simone said suddenly. I turned back to face her, a quizzical look on my face.

"I thought maybe, if you're afraid to be by yourself, I could sleep in your room, on the floor. I mean... If you think it might help."

I smiled to help her see she hadn't been wrong to suggest it. "Sure. That would be nice. There are extra blankets in the closet in the hall if you don't want to take the one off your bed."

A very few minutes later, I was settled in bed, and Simone had made a reasonably soft bed out of two blankets and her pillow. After we were lying still in the dark, trying to relax before falling asleep, a sudden question occured to me.

"Simone, when you were little, did you ever have friends stay for sleepovers?"

I turned to look in Simone's direction. I could barely make out her outline in the darkness. "Yes, a few," she answered. "My... My mom never really liked having a bunch of noisy children in the house very long, but she allowed it for my sake. I would have been the only girl in my class not allowed to have one. Did you?"

"No... Mom left so early, and since Dad worked all the time, I lived with a nanny. She always I was enough of a 'handful' I still hate that word."

"I'm sorry, Sydney." Simone's voice was so sad I was sorry I'd brought up the subject. I tried to take the edge off of my previous words. "It wasn't really that bad, most of the time. I was glad someone was there. At first I missed Mom a lot, but that faded. I didn't really know Dad, so I couldn't really miss him at all. It was okay."

"I don't see how it could be," Simone whispered. Her voice had grown thick, and I knew she was crying. I heard her start moving around, standing up from the floor.

"Where are you going?" I asked quietly.

"Nowhere," she answered. "Just move over a little." I did, and in the next moment I felt Simone settle in next to me.

"We aren't little girls anymore," I protested. I wasn't really angry, but I felt awkward.

"No, we're not," she answered. "But we never knew each other when we were little girls. Making up for lost time isn't so bad... Is it?"

At first I was tense and tried to stay as far away from her as possible, but after a while I began to settle down. I kept reminding myself that she was my sister and she was only trying to help. She must have been terrified that I would break down again. I wished I could assure her that I would be ok, but I could feel my mind breaking down. Once in a while I could see my thoughts straying back to the way they had been, even just for an instant. So far I had been doing well but I knew I couldn't let my guard down, or it would overtake me.

As I was thinking these things, I began to drift to sleep. I dreamt of my mother and father and the way my life could have been had they been together and had Simone been with me my whole life. It was the best sleep I had gotten in a while, and I give the credit to Simone. She was the only one who had the ability to turn this night from a scary, lonely one into something not just endurable, but pleasant.

Simone's POV

I stayed awake as long as I could, listening to my sister breathe. When I was sure she had fallen asleep, I began to let myself drift away as well. We were both nervous, but for different reasons. She was nervous about Dad and Michael being away, but I was nervous that I might not be as protective of a guardian as she needed. I did not want to fail her again. If she broke apart on my watch, I would never be able to forgive myself.

Just as I was falling asleep, I heard Sydney whimper. I opened my eyes and sat up. She was asleep. She didn't seem to be having nightmares, so I let her sleep. A few minutes later, she was talking. I looked over to see if she was awake, but her eyes were still closed. I silently listened to what she was saying.

"Daddy. Mommy. Simone. I missed you. Can we go out for dessert? I want ice cream with chocolate syrup. Oh, never mind. We can just stay here. We'll talk and play games. Just the four of us. What? No, Daddy, you don't have to go. Stay here with me. What? Michael too? NO! You CAN'T go! I want you HERE! You have to take care of me! What kind of family are you? You don't even take care of me when I'm sick! No, I don't want her. I just want you and Michael, Daddy. Stay here with me. No! You're not sorry! Stay here! No! No! Daddy!"

By this time, tears were streaming down her face, and I was surprised that she hadn't awoken yet. I didn't dare wake her lest she would not come entirely out of her dream world. I did not want to force her into consciousness. Instead I kept listening. She was silent for a few minutes, but she started again.

"Sick. I'm too sick. I can't survive without them. I'll fall again. This spiral of descent. I can't stop it. I can't help it. They're here and then they go away. I must have killed them. It's the only reasonable explanation. I killed them. I killed them. I…killed…them. I…"

She fell into silence, and I knew it was time to wake her up. This thought pattern was not good. During the day, she had appeared to be getting better, and I did not like what I was hearing here. I hoped that these were not her true thoughts. I gently tapped her shoulder. There was no response. I whispered her name in her ear. No response. I began shaking her. I was gentle at first, but she continued not to respond. She was asleep. I decided to give it one last try before I went to sleep.

No response.