There you are guys, I know its been months but here it finally is. I'm starting a new one tomorrow and hopefully you'll see the first chapter within a week or two.

Thanks for all your support.

Sasha

No Looking Back

Chapter 6—Perfect night

Lily walked out of the portkey terminal. Her heart was in tatters. The man she saw back in London wasn't James and the fact was there was no resemblance other than the fact that his hair was slightly mussed. Her breath choked on a sob. Lily wanted to go home and cry, in facts he was long overdue for one but here she was in Brussels going to meet Charlie so she can let out her sordid secrets.

What am I going to do? she thought and the question wasn't focused on her messed up friendship but on the fact that she was helplessly in love with a man who she knew was no where near serious about any woman, let alone her. She shuddered out a pent up breath.

Had she fallen in love with him before, during or after they made love? People didn't fall in love without knowing did they? How could she have loved James without knowing it? Why hadn't she had some inkling, some suspicion, and some kind of warning system to tell her that this would happen — that she would feel like this — love like this?

'Lily! Lily, over here.'

'Hullo Char,' Lily answered with forced brightness when Charlie came close enough to see her expression.

'Oh honey you look terrible.' The statement so truthful yet so bold Lily had to laugh but it came out a bit too sharp and Charlie rested a hand on her shoulder. 'What's wrong? I've never seen you like this. Come one let me take you home. Jack is away for a few days so it'll be just us girls.'

Charlotte had had a strange feeling that something was wrong from the moment Lily called from London and told Jack as much when she made him leave without her on the fishing trip.

'Lily never asks us for anything Jack, the least we could do is be there for her.' She told him seriously and he grinned that sexy grin of his before kissing her swiftly on the lips.

'That's fine love; want me to pick her up from the station?'

'Err, no I was thinking we'll have a couple days alone together so I was hoping you disappear till then.'

Her husband let out a booming laugh and went to his brother's to fill in that fishing spot. Now all she had to do was hope Lily was ready to tell her about whatever was troubling her and try to fill in the gap that had sprung up between them this past year.

Lily had planned to tell Charlie everything, logically and calmly with no tears but as soon as she was pulled into a welcomed hug they poured out of their own free will.

'Charlotte I'm in love … with James —'

'Is that a problem honey? I thought you two made a wonderful couple.'

'Us being a couple isn't the problem,' Lily said but almost wailed. Her tongue was in knots and she didn't know how to explain anything.

Pulling back Charlie immediately went into best friend mode and shepherded Lily into the vintage Jag that she owned. It took only minutes to drive to the muggle neighbourhood where her friend lived—after all Charlie did nearly run over a few red lights on the way.

After leading Lily to the sofa Charlie said, 'stay here while I go get some wine.'

'I don't…'Lily began but her best friend shook her head.

'Well I certainly do and besides, it's just one glass,' she suggested in a more gentle voice. 'It will do you good.'

Minutes later Lily took a sip of the cold crisp wine and had to admit it did taste good.

'Now tell me everything.' Charlie commanded as she settled on the sofa and faced Lily. 'You're in love with James but what? You're scared? A full commitment isn't all that scary you know.'

'No it's nothing like that,' Lily interrupted as she took a huge breath. 'What I let you think before, what I told you…simply was true. James and I …we weren't…there was nothing between us—'

'But there is something now? Now that you're in love with him I mean.' Charlie asked cutting through Lily's stammering.

'Yes…no…I don't know. We—we slept together and it was wonderful, fantastic…it was the best night of my life.' She said looking into Charlie's face but she saw no hint of shock or criticism from the fact that Lily did something that was totally out of character for her so she plunged on. 'I never thought I hadn't…you see he was angry at first; angry that people were talking about us being this couple. Of course I tried to explain and apologise but then he kissed me and…my goodness Charlie I just wanted him so much.'

I never imagined I could feel like that, my feeling overwhelmed me. I know this must be hard for you to understand …since well you and Jack were in love and…'

'I didn't love him the first time I had sex with him,' Charlie said interrupting her.

'What?'

'Actually,' Charlie continued matter-of-factly, 'perhaps you and I are more alike than we've ever noticed before. Jack was very angry with me the first time we made love. You see I was the one who went after him. I was the one who instigated everything, who seduced…'

Charlie shook her head ruefully. 'The thing was when I went after Jack I had convinced myself that it was Antonio that I loved not him. I was angry with Jack and he was angry with me but somehow all the anger became transmuted…all the angry was focused to something else.'

Antonio? Oh my god, Antonio was Captain of the school's Quidditch team.

'When I went to bed with James,' Lily confessed gruffly, 'I thought…' she looked up and bit her lip looking directly at her best mate, 'I thought—felt—believed that it was Jack who I loved.

For a moment the silence between them was so intense, so profound that Lily feared that she had gone too far in her confession.

'Oh Lily, it is so awesome that we should both have experienced almost the exact same thing. You know what this means don't you?' Charlie asked her voice serious.

Lily looked at her, her heart beating painfully at the thought that the other woman wanted to end their friendship. What was she going to say? That she—Charlie could never trust her again?

'No … what does it mean?'

'It means that you and James are quite definitely meant for one another,' Charlie told her excitedly, 'just like Jack and I were.'

'It, it's just not the same thing Charlie, we never, we disliked each other from the first time we met.' Lily said grasping at straw to make Charlotte understand.

'Did you forget the time when Jack and I first met? When you introduced us? Don't you remember how we cussed each other off?' Charlie said in that all knowing tone she had.

Lily shrugged dejectedly but tried again. 'No, Char James doesn't love me,' she told her friend positively.

'He took you to bed, made love to you,' Charlie reminded her.

'He wanted me, but he doesn't love me. The two are vastly different things that are worlds apart from each other.' Lily said painfully and stretched her hands to draw the comparison. Then she stopped and hesitated. 'Uh you won't tell Jack about how I thought I loved him, will you?' she begged Charlotte, 'I know I realise now that …' Lily stopped.

Even now that she learned from Charlie's explanation of Jack's anger with her when they'd made love that he really was the gentle and compassionate lover she had imagined it did nothing of her new found realisation about James. Her fragile fantasy had gone and with it came reality.

Loving Jack had been an emotional form of protecting herself... and James….he had gotten through that somehow.

'Don't worry about it Lily, we have our confidences together that require total silence even to the people we share our lives with. Now come on lets go out somewhere.' Charlotte said grinning and an hour later Lily found herself on the streets of Brussels still uncertain about her future.

'James….James…are you listening to me?' Sienna demanded.

'Uh…no sorry I was thinking about something.' James answered quickly and to his knowledge calmly but his cousin got a weird grin on her face.

'Something or someone? Oh my goodness, you're thinking about her aren't you?' she squealed in their grandmother's little living room. 'Oh James I'm so happy for you.'

Rather than pretend he was thick and didn't know whom she was referring too he decided to change the subject altogether.

'Never mind me; I still would like to know how you sprained your ankle.'

Sienna huffed, 'and I told you its because Nikki pushed me by when she fell. Now don't change the subject Jamie. You're in love with her aren't you?' she said but didn't wait for an answer—not that he would have given her one of course— 'oh my goodness I knew it. When you guys get married and I'm a bridesmaid, I'm letting you know in advance that I am absolutely not wearing any sort of pink get up at all.'

'You don't have all your ducks in a row yet my dear cousin before you're jumping too much ahead of the game.'

'I'm almost an adult now James, you'll have to listen to my opinions sometime.'

'Yes but not now, I still have two wonderful years yet so I'm going to ignore you.' He shot back and then did what he said he'd do—he ignored her…for about an hour after all there is only so much a guy can take.

Lily walked into her building and then went directly to work. She had a lot of catch up on and because of this Petra and Peta didn't question her about her whereabouts. She'd been gone a week but felt strangely different. Maybe it had been because when Jack had returned from camping three days after her talk with Charlie it felt natural to walk up to him and give him a sisterly hug and kiss.

After work was the party at Frank and Alice's. Lily personally had her own sense of style but Charlotte made her buy this sinfully indecent dress. Okay so it wasn't in decent but it seem that way. The naked slip underneath didn't look like a slip. In fact it just looked as though there were nothing.

The thing was if Lily was honest with herself she'd realise that she not only bought the dress because of Charlie but she wanted to see James's reaction.

In her flat Lily have half wondered whether she should go or not. Alice had informed her via owl that the party had gotten a bit out of hand and now contained up to a hundred people. It was a good thing the other woman had booked a hall. But the news from her friend shattered any excuse she had not to wear the dress.

Peta eyed her dress hours later and gave a low whistle, 'sexy.'

Petra who was with Lily laughed and then groaned, 'don't say that. For that last few minutes I've been trying to convince her that it wasn't.'

Lily eyed her friend, 'I never said you succeeded. Believe it or not—'

'Lily,' Peta said interrupting her.

But the Lily didn't ask her what it was she knew. All the hair on her arms stood up and she angled her head to the doorway. There he was. His height made him much easier to see than half the guests and she drank in his oozing sexuality. If she hadn't already had her hand around her friend arm Lily would have made a fool of herself by jumping the man's bones.

But then his gaze caught hers and beneath the hazel depths hot, intense waves radiated toward her as he looked his fill. She felt his eyes like a caress and Petra let her go and gave her a shove in his general direction. Somehow her feet moved in his direction but she was so entranced she wasn't sure where she was going after all he was looking at her as thought he wanted to eat her alive. What more could a woman ask for?

James eyes blazed as he reached her. 'Lily,' he breathed her name and then suddenly she was in his arms and he was kissing her.

It had been a week since he had seen her, tasted her, felt her and now she was in his arms and he didn't want to let her go. He'd denied what he had felt for those seven stupid days but from the moment he saw her all of the willpower he had been carefully controlling went up in smoke.

'I've missed you,' he groaned. 'Why didn't you keep in touch and why am I wasting time talking? Why are we wasting time here?' he muttered against her mouth, 'and why are you wearing that damned dress…it makes me want to…'

'James,' Lily warned gently. 'There are children here.' She said and then it reminded him. 'You could be carrying my … our child.' He said but she shook her head slightly.

'No I don't think so, not…'

'Not his time?' he suggested and she gave him a brilliant smile.

'Yes. I—that night was the most wonderful…I've never felt like that. I stayed away because it was such a leap from not knowing then to feel in such a full blast.'

'And what do you feel?' he asked and he begged her with all his soul to trust him and she looked up at him she said softly, 'I—I love you.'

'Come on, I'm sure Frank and Alice will understand lets go back to my flat. I need to show you how I feel in private; we have a lot of time to make up for.'

Her eyes darkened slightly, 'I—I have something to tell you when we get there and your feelings towards me might change.' She said in a strangled whisper.

Not sure what to make of her words James just nodded and lead the way out the door.

When they reached his flat Lily gave him a tremulous smile before taking a seat far away from him. So far he understood that she needed space all he had to do now was listen.

'When I started to make love with you that night, I had thought I was in love with someone else.'

James felt as though he had had the wind knocked out of him. He didn't respond. He couldn't or words will come out that he would regret later.

'You see, I've come to the realisation that I never really loved him. I just thought I did but the bloke I created in my head never really existed. He was just something I created so that I could avoid looking for heartbreak and love. There is nothing to worry about but…James; I mean there was that woman before—'

James quickly shook his head, 'Ariel was nothing, she's gone and to let you know the gypsy did say it would be my baby.'

'Not your baby James,' she said and he felt his stomach drop, 'ours. Yours and mine.' James swallowed the lump in his throat.

'I love you James and only you, what I felt before was nothing compared to how I feel for you now.' She said and by the time she had gotten all her words out he had her swept up in his arms and was kissing her.

'I don't care who the guy is as long as you marry me and love me I don't care who he is.'

'Do you mean that? That you don't care I mean. I could tell you but then things will be awkward because you see James I've made peace with it and I got back the old friendship I had with him from the first. The way it should have been if not for my stupid fears.'

'Honey all I know is that you've proven you love for me and nothing else matters.'

'I realise that I wouldn't have given myself to you if I hadn't already known deep in my soul that I love you.' She said. 'I want to marry you and have as many children as possible. I want to grow old with you and create my home with you.'

'Well then, baby I better start moving on the loving because honey there isn't enough time in our lives for me to show you.'

James said and proceeded to show her the most perfect night of her life.

Please R&R

I haven't proof read it but i hope its fine as it is!

I know it may not be wat you're expecting but i tried even thought the story line dried up in my mind after soooo very long of not typing it. i have the summer to make it up to u...so here we go and a new story will soon be born