Jedi Athletes Use Midichlorian-Enhancing Drugs To Boost Performance
Becoming strong in the Force is hard work, requiring years of training, traveling the galaxy, fighting evil, and avoiding the temptations of the Dark Side. The payoff is immense, though, as those with a strong bond to the Force can prove their strength in intramural athletic events such as the X-Wing lift, lightsaber boomerang throw, and man-versus-droid dueling challenge. Unfortunately, advances in pharmaceutical technology have made possible an easier route to the Force – midichlorian-enhancing drugs, colloquially known as "MEDs".
MEDs work by stimulating the growth of midichlorians within the user's bloodstream, thus increasing the user's midichlorian count. However, the runaway growth of midichlorians can cause side effects, such as a change in brain chemistry. While mild use of MEDs only has mild side effects, such as the temptation to kill enemies when possible rather than waste time trying to capture them and thus letting them get away, heavy MED use can cause severe mental problems, including an inability to distinguish good from evil, the desire to associate with evil Sith Lords, a tendency to overestimate the power of the Dark Side, and the temptation to turn against and kill one's own Master.
The controversy over MEDs is heating up after the recent loss of Anakin Skywalker, one of the Academy's best Jedi Knights, to the Dark Side. While this would normally be nothing to worry about because wayward Jedi turn to the Dark Side all the time, the loss of Skywalker is particularly devastating because he helped the evil Emperor Palpatine turn the Republic into an Empire. While numerous explanations have been proffered for his downfall, such as the corrupting desire for power and the desire to help his terminally ill girlfriend Padme, Jedi psychologist Dr. Andrea Dextron says none of these are correct. "Tests showed that Anakin Skywalker had a midichlorian count of over 20,000 even before he joined the Jedi Order, and that number only increased as he gained power in the Force. Not even Master Yoda has a count that high. 'Conceived by the midichlorians'? How preposterous! That defies the most basic laws of biology." Dextron's conclusion: "It's obvious: Anakin Skywalker overdosed on midichlorian-enhancing drugs."
Nevertheless, many Jedi athletes choose to use MEDs to give themselves an extra edge in close matches. A major cause of MED use is the long-standing rivalry between the Jedi Academy and the Sith Academy, which has beaten the Jedi in 13 of the last 14 Jedi-versus-Sith competitions. The one competition the Jedi won was the "Force Football" event, where the Jedi used their superior knowledge of psychology to perform a Jedi mind trick on the referee to trick him into calling someone who was clearly out of bounds in bounds. After that incident, the use of Jedi mind tricks on referees was banned, putting the Jedi at a severe disadvantage. One MED user, whose name is withheld for privacy reasons, says that "You know the Sith are going to be shooting themselves up with MEDs. If I don't use MEDs too there's no way I'll be able to compete."
The Jedi Council has attempted to combat the problem of MED use by instituting testing programs and penalties for those caught using MEDs. Although the newer MEDs are virtually impossible to directly detect, the use of MEDs can be inferred if someone has a midichlorian count that is "higher than could be naturally attainable." With the new policies, Jedi participating in interscholastic athletics will be forced to take random midichlorian tests. Those with a midichlorian count of over 20,000 will be deemed to have been using MEDs and will be punished appropriately. First-time offenders will be barred from competing for a year, while repeat offenders will be expelled from the Jedi Order. However, some students claim the testing policies are ineffective, saying that MED users can calibrate their doses to stay below the limit, thus avoiding punishment. One MED user said he was "very relieved" after learning that he had a midichlorian count of 19,984. Others say the punishment is too harsh, noting that students who are expelled will likely join the Sith Academy, improving the quality of their athletic teams. "If we really want to finally beat the Sith in something, the new MED policies will only hurt us." Others say that the whole goal of preventing MED use is counterproductive, arguing that the Academy needs to "let go of their inhibitions" and "embrace the power of MEDs." Says one MED user, "Never underestimate the power of MEDs, or we will suffer the same fate the New York Yankees did when the Red Sox beat them."