Watching, Waiting and Hoping – Part 5
by Ash D
Disclaimer etc – The characters and situations used in this fic are the property of George Lucas and Lucasfilm. Thanks also to the great Zahn and KJA. The rating in this has moved up a little so it is verging on the PG13 in this chapter. Please read and review.
Luke slouched into the anonymity of his robe and kicked a few pieces of dropped rubbish with the toe of a dusty, black, knee-high, leather boot. 'Go and see Mara. She sees things clearer than you.' "Hah!" he scoffed quietly. "Mara has so many neuroses I can't see why she should see my problems any clearer." Still, Luke felt drawn to the trader. She'd never leave him and disappear. He might not hear from her for months, but she was always there, ready to fight his corner if she had to. He'd saved her life and she'd saved his. If they'd been Wookiees they would have been together for eternity. "Whoa!" Luke stopped in shock at the strange notion. "We'd kill each other long before that… or would we?" It was an uncomfortable idea. Yet here he was, hands in pockets, shoulders hunched, wandering along the walkway on the way to his own apartment and he knew he would call at Mara's first. The fact struck him again, but this time with all the effect of a Death Star Superlaser. Mara Jade would never have left him without a word in the way that Callista had. Whatever happened between them, the major arguments, the minor disagreements, nothing would make Mara betray him in that way.
Strange how he viewed Callista's disappearance as a betrayal.
The apartment block was one that had been stuck on the back of the Imperial palace like an unsightly carbuncle. Luke thought it might have previously housed security or even some of the domestic staff but, as he'd said to Callista earlier, most of his friends were housed in this part of the city.
He keyed in his access code and wandered slowly into the pristine lobby, the shining marble the only evidence of its status as a home for the Rebellion's elite. With a mounting sense of trepidation, Luke waited for the turbolift to take him to his destination. He'd faced the Emperor and Darth Vader and here he was more apprehensive of facing Mara Jade. The confusing thing was that they were friends. Luke considered Mara one of the truest friends he had and he'd never felt like this before. They hadn't parted in anger, there had been a little awkwardness on her part, but with Mara you never knew what to expect. She was a complex and demanding woman. Luke frowned in confusion. He couldn't work out why he felt like this; he only knew he had to see Mara immediately.
The last time he'd seen her was on Yavin IV, a routine stop-off en route to some outpost of Karrde's. She'd brought supplies for the Academy with her, for which he was grateful. Luke had run all the way down to the landing pad as soon as he heard the 'Jade's Fire' had docked. When the entrance ramp had lowered, Luke had felt a breathless rush of excitement at the thought of seeing her and he wasn't disappointed. She'd stood at the door dressed in a dark green shipsuit, and smiled at him; the sun had glinted off her hair, the burnished colour of real fire and added flames to the green of her eyes. A pang had worked its way to his heart and he'd gasped a little, and then buried the feeling deep inside him. He'd thrown his arms around her in a welcoming hug and then leaving his arm over her shoulders had walked her to the great temple. It had been good to have her with him.
He pressed the door com and waited… and waited… and waited. She wasn't in. Luke's shoulders lowered in disappointment until a thought struck him and he stretched out with the Force. Her presence immediately surrounded him with its warmth and sparkling vitality. Luke pressed the door com and left his finger on it. Still no Mara Jade opened the door and berated him for waking her up. 'Waking her up!' – uh-oh. Luke took his finger off the door com and slapped his hand against his forehead. She was asleep. It was in the middle of the night. How could he be so thoughtless? 'Typical', he thought. 'Too immersed in your own problems to think of others'. He turned and guiltily crept away…
"What in Sith's name are you doing here at this time of night?"
The voice was low and tired but if it could have, it would have flayed the skin from his bones.
Luke stopped, carefully turned to face the speaker and when he did, his jaw dropped in shock. Mara Jade stood in front of him, her hair falling to her waist in an untidy tumble of red-gold curls and clad in something Luke had never imagined. But the item of clothing she was wearing left little to his thoughts which had suddenly become uncomfortably vivid.
"Skywalker!"
He just stared, his mouth open.
"Skywalker! Hello… anybody there?"
Mara took a step forward and waved her hand in front of the bemused Jedi's face. He blinked a couple of times and Mara watched as his eyes grew large and a flush covered his cheekbones.
"Luke!"
He took a couple of steps backwards and banged straight into the opposite wall. Mara chuckled wickedly, the sound emerging from low in her throat.
"Mara… I didn't mean to wake you up."
"Well you did, Farmboy. If I hadn't guessed it was you, Skywalker, you might have been full of holes or missing another appendage." She slid up the hem of the lacy thing Luke thought she was almost wearing and pointed to a small blaster attached to her thigh.
"Mara… you're…" Luke stumbled, the words tripping over his suddenly clumsy tongue. "Can't you put something on?"
For a moment, Mara's face matched her hair, then the colour faded to its usual creamy perfection and she vanished into her apartment. Luke stood awkwardly in front of the open door. What was he supposed to do now?
'For goodness' sake, Skywalker, get yourself in here now – if you're staying?' Her voice murmured dryly in his head and he jet-propelled himself inside.
Mara moved to her bedchamber and covered her sleep attire with a dark green tunic, tying back her hair as she did so. The sight of Luke standing dumbstruck in front of her had, for a second, made her forget a few things - or rather, one thing. For the second time in a matter of hours she stood in front of her reflector asking herself questions.
'I wonder why he's here? He could have been with Callista and yet, he's here to see me.'
Her face warmed again at the image she must have presented. She'd been deeply asleep when the door com had sounded and it had taken a while for it to properly penetrate her dream. She'd felt his Force probe and then his withdrawal and she'd dragged the sleep from her mind and herself from her bed and opened the door. Mara grimaced at her reflection in the glass. She'd been so intent on stopping him from escaping that she'd not bothered thinking about the lacy sleeping shift she'd pulled from her bag. It didn't hide very much of her body and part of her cringed with embarrassment, while another part rejoiced. There wasn't much wrong with her body. It was strong and slim with curves in all the right places and Luke had, for the first time in years, seen her as a woman and not a budding Jedi or a friend to rely on in a crisis. Mara's eyes widened at the thought as she relived Luke's heated blue gaze on her body. He'd looked all right. She recalled the memory of how she had felt as his eyes had traced slowly from her ankle to her neck, lingering, caressing and then, embarrassed, Luke had flushed and stared at anything rather than Mara.
'I wonder what he was thinking? Do I have to thank Callista for reawakening his libido? Does he realise that he really saw 'me' and not the walking sack of Jedi potential, or has he pushed it from his mind already? Has Luke seen me and yet isn't aware he desires me?'
Mara bit her lip, making it bleed. As the bead of blood appeared on her lip, she gathered her hair into a rope and braided it quickly. Darting out her tongue, she smoothed the blood from her lips. She couldn't delay any longer; she had to face Luke.
'He wants me, he doesn't know it, yet, but he does. I saw desire in his eyes. What about Callista? Does he still want her? It's possible to love more than one person at a time, but will Luke know the difference between love and mere body chemistry? If he does…' Her mind quailed at the thought. 'Which category do I fall into?"
Luke paced back and forth in Mara's lounge. It was even emptier than his own was, and that was saying something. He stared at her closed bedroom door. What was she doing in there that was taking so long? He pushed away the sight of her in the lacy sleeping shift, the smooth legs which seemed to go on forever, the soft curve of her breasts, the rosy nipple peeking through the fabric aching for a man's mouth to close over it… Yeah… he pushed all those things to the part of his mind marked 'Do not open'… the part of his mind which only awakened when he dreamed. Luke Skywalker hadn't quite forgotten how to dream, but he hadn't dared do it for a long time. Dreams were for other people, not for him.
He slumped into a chair and put his head in his hands. Now that he was here, he wasn't sure what to say to Mara. Perhaps he'd better go. Had Mara had gone into her bedchamber and fallen asleep? Yeah, and maybe there's a rancor in my pocket.
Mara stood silently at the chamber door and watched him as he drew his hands wearily over his face. She felt the uncertainty at the core of his spirit and his bone-deep tiredness.
Without a sound she tiptoed over the polished wooden floor and laid her hand gently on his shoulder. "Luke," she whispered. "What is it?"
He lifted his head and peered at her in the darkness, his face illuminated only by the constant flickering lights of the city planet.
"Nothing," he said, pushing away his tiredness and smiled at her.
Mara moved away and lit a couple of lamps before walking towards the kitchen. "Don't lie to me, farmboy," she threw carelessly over her shoulder as she sauntered away. "You wouldn't be here unless there was something wrong."
"We're friends," he countered evenly. "Friends visit each other."
There was a dry bark of laughter. "Not in the middle of the night. And besides…"
Luke could hear the sound of water boiling and the chink of the sturdy earthenware mugs he knew Mara liked. She may look like a piece of Alderaani china but she preferred to drink her caf in something solid.
"Besides what?" He directed his voice towards the open kitchen door.
"You've never been here before." Mara emerged carrying two large mugs of steaming hot liquid.
"I have."
"Haven't."
He frowned. "I have."
"Nope." She handed him one of the mugs. "Watch! It's hot!" she exclaimed, then laughed when he burnt his tongue.
"Have been here."
"Have not."
"I have, I'm sure I have… Haven't I?" He searched the laughing green eyes for the answer.
Mara took a sip of caf and shook her head. "Sorry Jedi, you've never been here."
"It's very…"
"It's empty and you know it. I'm never here - well, hardly ever - so I haven't had time to decorate." She took a deep breath; Luke had relaxed a bit and his blue eyes had begun to smile a little more. How to introduce the topic that the whole galaxy wanted to know about? Mara included herself amongst them.
"Now tell me," Mara commanded, kneeling by the side of Luke's chair, her green eyes dark and serious. "What's wrong? And don't give me any excuses, Farmboy. I know you far too well."
"I told you…"
"Luke…" Mara stretched out his name warningly. "You might as well tell me what you came for. You didn't wake me up in the middle of the night for nothing. Even you are not that naïve, Jedi Master." She pushed her rope of hair over her shoulder and manoeuvred herself into a more comfortable position. "I suppose it's about Callista – isn't it?"
"Yes." Luke hesitated. "But…"
Mara interrupted him with a brisk air of false cheerfulness which sat awkwardly between them. "She's back, you waited for her, you can be happy together. End of story."
Luke frowned. "It's not like that at all and you know it."
"Then tell me. I'm here for you," she asserted gently, even though she was hurting inside. 'Sith, of course I'm here for you.'
Luke sat, the light from the lamp creating a burnished halo around his tousled head. He could feel her hurt. Somewhere on a deeper level they connected together but he didn't understand it.
"You must be happy she's returned. You spent such a long time seeking her out."
"I was, I mean I am, but…"
"She hasn't regained her use of the Force?"
Luke shook his head. "No, she hasn't."
"I thought as much. I could sense you, even with your shields, but I couldn't feel or sense her at all. The only thing was…" Mara tilted her head to one side in thought. "I could feel an empty spot in the area around you. But I think that was only because she was with you and you are so strongly imbued with the Force that it reflects all around you."
"I feel very confused," Luke whispered. "I mourned her loss – I mourned the loss of the hope that I might have a home and a family with the woman I loved. I strayed too near the dark side on many occasions because of that loss. In the end it was too much."
"You let her go from your heart. You don't love her." Mara's voice remained quiet, but the sureness was undeniable. "Luke, you never did love her…"
"I did …" He was up out of the chair, his hands clenched into fists, furious blue eyes blazing down into Mara's bright green one's. "How can you say that I didn't love her? I would have done anything for her. Han said you could see things clearer than I did and you tell me this!" Luke's voice dripped with confused anger.
"Would you have lost the Force for her?" The question hung in the air like an Imperial Destroyer and with possibly the same effect as if its entire arsenal had been trained on an Ewok village.
The tortured man stopped dead and turned to stare at the seated girl. "Would I have what?" he asked harshly, his blue eyes pinning her in place with the strength of laser bolts.
Mara arose and walked to stand in front of Luke. They stood face to face, each trying to fathom the other's secrets. "Would you, if you could have, lost the Force so that you could truly have become Callista's equal?"
"That situation never arose," Luke muttered, confused. "The Force is my destiny – my life. I can't be less than I am."
Mara's heart broke inside. "No, I guess you can't. You never could."
"Callista would never have allowed it, even if it had been possible. I couldn't have gone through with it. It would have driven me mad. To be forever dark, like the effect ysalamiri has on our kind. That's the only way I could understand what she was going through. My duty is to the Force and the galaxy. I have to look beyond my own personal happiness. I am the Jedi Master."
"Yes, you are and it's been a lonely and difficult path for you. But no one should forgo their own contentment at the expense of everything else. Callista came along at a time when you were feeling the strain of the burden you had willingly assumed. You are only human, Luke, and sometimes you did far too much too soon - took on too many students, dabbled in things you did not understand…"
Luke turned his white, tired face to stare at Mara. "I had to do those things. I was all there was. I hoped Callie might have been able to share them with me. She'd been a Jedi in the Old Republic, she'd undergone the type of training I hadn't had the luxury of enjoying. I was needed to fulfil a task, carry out a function, and I was rushed through Jedi training. I hoped she might be able to teach me to be a better Jedi."
"Oh, Luke." Mara's voice soothed. She could almost see and feel the weight of the burden he was carrying.
"I thought I loved her. At the beginning it was wonderful between us. We were happy…" he qualified his statement with a shrug. "I was happy and I assumed Callista was too. Then this rift appeared and it was the Force. The power that makes me who and what I am had the potential to break us apart and it did so. She left me but told me to wait. When she regained her Force ability she would return to me."
"You did wait, Luke."
"No, I didn't. I've told you this. I let her image go from my heart. Maybe you're right and if I had loved her properly I would still be waiting for her. I would be grateful that she had come back to me. I wouldn't have cared about anything - where she'd been, whom she'd been with and how long she'd been away. None of it would have mattered."
"Luke, I…"
"Perhaps I'm not capable of such a love… Perhaps I don't deserve it."
Mara had had enough and reached out, grabbed his shoulders and shook him with as much strength as she possessed. "Luke Skywalker, I don't ever want to hear you talking that way again." Her green eyes drilled holes into his blue ones. Fire shot out of them, her expression intent on making him see that he was wrong, and her heart clenched with the pain of feeling his anguish. 'Oh, Luke, Can't you see how I feel,' her heart cried inside her.
Luke rocked lightly on the balls of his feet as Mara continued to try and shake sense into him. He hadn't realised she was so small without her customary boots. He didn't exactly have his father's height either, so she would match him perfectly. Luke blinked at the strange thought popping into his mind. He also sensed that she was in pain. Was that anguish for him?
"I don't know what to do, Mara."
"I can't tell you, Luke. I can advise you, tell you what I think, but in the end it has to be your decision."
"I know I don't love her. I sat and looked at her and she's still beautiful and I felt nothing for her… nothing. The thing is, Mara… she's a nice person – a good person, but I can't love her any more."
"Can't…" Mara echoed.
"I don't love her. I told her…"
"You actually told her that you didn't love her?"
"Yes, I did, but I don't know if she believed me and I'm not sure if that love can't come back. What if the resentment I'm feeling is preventing me from loving her again?"
"How long has she been back?"
"Three weeks," Luke murmured.
"And you've seen her every day?"
"Yes."
"When did you decide that you didn't love her?"
"I'm not sure, but it was pretty quick. At first I was overjoyed. I assumed she had found the Force and had returned so could get married and have lots of little Jedi babies." He spoke self-deprecatingly, but Mara could tell the words pained him. "It wasn't long before I sat looking into her grey eyes, telling myself with a sort of panic that I just felt numb with the shock of her return. I soon came to the conclusion that I just felt empty. I felt nothing for her. I was happy to see her, but she didn't affect me or the life I'm leading in any way."
"Suppose…" Mara's tongue slipped out to moisten her, suddenly dry, lips. "Suppose you can't love her because you're in love with someone else." Her voice faded to a whisper.
"In love with someone else?" Luke's voice cracked. "Who would I be in love with?"
Mara stared into his blue eyes, so close that she could feel his breath on her cheek. She swallowed, suddenly uncomfortable at how near she was to him, and retreated a few steps. Clearing her throat, she tried to inject a less emotionally charged mood into the proceedings. "It's been all over the holonet – you and her."
"Oh, sithspawn, don't remind me. I've had a reporter on my tail virtually twenty-six hours a day. I lost him on my way to Han and Leia's and he was nowhere around when I came here. Just as well, with you running around the corridor in next to er… nothing." He went scarlet and closed his mouth with a snap. "Do you sleep in that?"
"Mind your own business, Jedi." Mara bit out, mortified that he'd brought up the matter of her sleeping attire, or lack of it.
"It was… nice."
"Nice!"
"It was a bit… well, nice." He went red again and Mara's ire vanished. Luke might be the Jedi Master, but there was still a part of him that remained innocent. A sudden desire to make him squirm caused her eyes to light up. "I'll answer your question, farmboy. I don't usually sleep in anything at all. You're lucky you caught me on an off day. That piece of 'nice' cost many credits. Less fabric doesn't always mean a cheaper price."
Luke went white.
"Did I say something to upset you, Skywalker?" Mara's tone lightly mocked him. "You've gone very quiet."
"I'd better go."
Mara chuckled maliciously. "If you are going to win back the fair Callista you can't pass out with shock every time she leaves some intimate item of apparel lying around. She is a woman too." A red-gold eyebrow arched and a slim hand ran teasingly over Luke's tunic collar, pulling at the flap at his neck until the scrap of blue lining fell contrastingly over the black cloth.
He brought his hands up and took hold of Mara's meaning to remove them from his body, but as soon as Luke grasped Mara's slender fingers with his own, all thoughts of letting go vanished from his mind. His pulse increased, and his heart sent the blood rushing through his body
They stood as still as statues, gazing once more into each other's eyes. Without volition, Mara drifted closer and her eyelids fluttered shut, her lips parting in an unconscious desire to feel his covering her own. Luke felt himself sway nearer and nearer…
His eyes took in the picture Mara made and then registered how close they had become, their hands trapped between their bodies. Luke suddenly felt part of himself begin to react and, appalled and ashamed, he jerked away, willing his unexpectedly aroused body to calm down.
Mara's eyes flew open and she took in the situation and the shock coming at her through the Force. She jerked back out of range and glanced nervously at the wall chrono. "It's late, Skywalker. Perhaps you'd better go home," she muttered, gazing at him with wide eyes, brighter than polished jewels. She didn't want to be kissed out of pity or experimentation. The fact that she'd been more than ready to do the kissing vanished from her mind.
"Mara…" Luke said quietly. "I'm sorry… I didn't mean to..."
She shifted on the soles of her bare feet. "It's okay. I'm glad you can come to me."
"Who else would listen to me? Han was right. You do see things more clearly than anyone else does. I wonder why?"
Mara swallowed painfully. "It's because we are friends and I…" She looked down and cleared her suddenly constricted throat. "I care for you very much." Her green eyes gazed directly into his, the honesty shining clear and true. "If you need to talk some more, I'll be here for a while. I've taken a leave of absence from Karrde's employ."
Luke's blue eyes widened in amazement. "Mara! Is anything wrong? You're not ill or…" His voice quickened with concern.
"No, Skywalker." She smiled at him. "I'm fine."
"You sure? I had a vision of you…"
"Luke." Mara's sigh was deep and tired. She wasn't ready for this, but she should have known; Luke even in the midst of his own troubles, still had time for hers. It was difficult to tell him that he was most of them all rolled into one tempting man. "Go home and get some sleep. Saber practise tomorrow?"
Luke paused for a moment. "I don't know… yeah, why not?" It would be good to loosen up with a little exercise. No one ran him as close in a saber fight as Mara did. He grinned at her, suddenly enervated despite the tired lines around his white face and the exhaustion he was fighting in his body, and Mara could only smile in response.
"I'll see you tomorrow."
"Looking forward to it." He took a step closer to Mara and hesitated. "I'm glad you're here for me, Jade."
Mara's smile faded and their eyes caught and held once more. "You'd better go," she all but whispered.
"Yeah." And still he could not take his eyes from her face and actually leave.
"Skywalker?"
"Mm-hm."
"Is this a staring competition? If it is, you will lose.
The sharp comment broke the strangely seductive spell of her spring green gaze and Luke blushed, laughed and relaxed. "It's just you've gotten so pretty, that's all." He coloured again and Mara found herself reacting in the same way at the clumsy compliment. Luke had surprised her with that one and he appeared to be as taken aback himself. It was unlike him to be so bold.
"I'll see you tomorrow. The door, Skywalker…" She pointed. "Is that way."