Watching, Waiting and Hoping

Part 11 by Ash D.

Disclaimer - Lucasfilm Ltd owns the characters and situations in this story. I've only borrowed them for a short while to play with them. This chapter is 'R' rated.

Callista shot through the doors back into the ballroom and took in lungfuls of air, trying to calm the rapid beating of her heart and ridding the palpable air of distress from her person. Inside the ballroom the scene was unchanged but deep in her heart and mind, Callista knew her life had taken another strange and quixotic turn. A burst of anger shot through her as she considered how unfair it was. But she had made her choices and created the direction destiny was going to take her.

Luke was in love with Mara Jade and she with him, there was no denying the feeling between them. 'They're really going to have to work on their split-level concentration skills. A whole army of Imperial clones could have stood behind them and those two still wouldn't have noticed.' She sighed ruefully. Leia was right - it wasn't Callista's time. As far as she and Luke had been concerned, it had never been her time. It was one of those things that caused heartache and pain to all concerned, but she wasn't going to have a happy ever after story. 'Perhaps I can help Luke achieve his?' A sob threatened to break through her assumed façade. 'Force, I sound so noble… but I still love him. I can't destroy his happiness – I just can't.'

"Callista?" Han stood in front of her. She was pale, unhappy and seemed lost in her own thoughts.

"Callista," he repeated. She looked up, startled, as his voice broke through her reverie. "Everything okay?"

"Han." She acknowledged him then fell silent and stared at her toes, hoping he wouldn't notice her tear streaked cheeks and red-rimmed eyes.

"What is it?"

"Nothing. Really, it's nothing."

"That means it's something or someone."

"You're very perceptive, Han."

"I have to be living with four Force sensitive people in the house and with one of my friends head of the Jedi order. I have to keep my wits about me to keep up with them. Believe me, it can be very hard, but in this case... it wasn't so difficult." 'The fact you've been crying is a dead giveaway.'

"How do you manage?"

"I've never had the Force, I've just learned to trust my instincts and I've been knocking around the galaxy for a long while now. You learn enough to survive. Eight years is a long time…"

"I thought I might have adjusted by now and I suppose I have. It's just…" she stared up at him, the shadows deep in her grey eyes. "I find myself reaching out all the time. I've misjudged a lot of people and made a lot of mistakes."

"Callista." With the soft rustle of the material from her gown, Leia joined them. "Have you seen Luke?"

The taller woman went a funny pasty colour and again began to examine her feet. "No."

Leia slid Han a comprehending glance. "You have – where is he?" Leia turned to go out onto the balcony. "He won't like this, but there are some dignitaries he has to meet."

"Don't go out there!" Callista called sharply, panicked as Leia brushed past her and stood at the door, peering out into the dimly lit area.

"Why ever not – there's no one out there."

"There's no one…" Confusion suffused Callista's face. "But I heard… I saw… They were behind…"

Han began to nod his head as enlightenment dawned. "Luke is out there…" He wandered closer to his wife, "And he's with Mara." It could be the only reason Callista was so upset. 'Well! The kid must have apologised enough to please the lady – at least, he hoped Luke had been sensible and had done that.'

Callie visibly drooped. "Yes," she whispered, the raw agony swiftly crossing her classical features. "I didn't know it could hurt so much seeing them together. I didn't know that I loved him that much and how big a mistake I made by leaving him." Her shoulders shook slightly as she attempted to master the despair gaining the upper hand in her heart and mind.

"Well, they're not there now." Leia's voice was tart. She was supposed to be introducing the Jedi Master to some of the honoured guest representatives and in true Luke fashion he had skipped off without telling her. She should know by now that you couldn't make Luke do something he didn't want to and he was impulsive by nature, but this was more impetuous than usual. She didn't think he'd moved this rapidly since the first Death Star.

"But they must be… They were… I don't understand. Have you scanned for them?"

"Yes," Leia answered, a little frostily. "My Jedi training is not as rudimentary as all that. I can certainly locate my brother's presence in the Force – or lack of it. He's not out there."

Han wandered casually outside. "Where were they?"

"Over there…"

Han pursed his lips thoughtfully and scratched his chin. "Ah… what's this?" He picked up a dark object from the ground and brought it to Leia.

"Luke's jacket?"

"Yup." Han prowled around for a bit, humming faintly.

"Han!" Leia muttered.

"Sorry, sweetheart. Can you sense if there's been a struggle."

"I would have heard…" Callista began.

"Leia?"

His wife closed her eyes and focused on her brother's signature in the Force. It was always with her, no matter how near or far, but tonight it was muted as if something was interfering. Still, the feeling that she had gotten earlier of barely suppressed passion was - in spite of everything – there."

She relaxed a little. "He's okay as far as I can tell."

Callista tried to remember the long ago days of her own training. She'd helped Leia once before without the Force. She couldn't sense what Leia was feeling but she could help. Callista straightened her shoulders as a gut reaction told her this was the right thing to do. For the first time in ages she was able to behave like a Jedi and pass on some of the skills she had learned. It was time to offer a little guidance.

"Focus on that sensation, Leia," Callista's low voice sounded loud in her ear. "What else are you aware of?"

Leia breathed deeply and exhaled. "I can feel mischief and warmth." She snapped open her eyes and walked to the far end of the balcony. "They left that way."

"So we can all stop worrying." Han murmured, before freezing. "What do you mean they left that way?" There was no exit.

"I'll throttle that brother of mine one of these days." Leia sighed. "They jumped over the railing and escaped that way."

"Hey! He hates these occasions. He could do with an early night." Han closed his mouth; he just reckoned that he'd said too much. He only hoped Leia wouldn't notice his slip… or Callista.

I think I'll take my leave too," Callista said. "I'll see you again before I go." She needed some solitude to do some serious thinking. It could work… the possibility was there and for the first time, Callista could see some purpose.

"You're leaving?"

"I think we all know that Luke isn't interested in me any more and I'm finding it awkward enough… It will be nice to return home and not have a holo-reporter following me." She gave the Solos a shaky smile.

"Callista… Don't leave without talking to the kid this time."

"I won't. I'm going to offer to help the Jedi knights. I still can't do it on Yavin IV. The temptation to dabble in the dark side would be too strong, but Icould work from home. Just helping you there, Leia, made me see that I could give practical assistance."

"Where are you going?" Leia asked although she thought she already knew.

"I'm going home to Chad. I had to leave to be with my Master all those years ago when I agreed to training, but I'm finally free to go home. Most of my contemporaries are dead and gone but just being next to the ocean will mean so much. You can't believe how much I missed being able to go home."

Leia's eyes took on a faraway glint. "I think I can," she whispered.

"Now that Luke knows I'm back I can finally go home."

"It was one of the first places he tried to look for you." Leia added, remembering.

"I thought so. It was one of reasons I didn't go there. Now if he needs to contact me I'll be on Chad, next to the most beautiful oceans in the entire galaxy." She smiled sadly. "I'm trying to make the best of things, Leia. I don't want to make a scene. It's finally time for me to open a new chapter. I'll always love Luke…"

"It's alright." Leia stepped forwards and embraced Callista, finally forgiving her for things that were past. "We understand."

The former Jedi sniffed a little and then nearly did start crying as Han also embraced her.

"Hey," Han tapped Callista lightly on the cheek. "You're nearer the spirit of the Jedi Knights now than you probably have been for a long time. Keep your chin up and keep in touch this time. You have all that knowledge and experience locked up inside you. It would be a shame not to pass it on."

"I will." Callista produced a handkerchief, wiped her eyes and left Leia and Han alone on the balcony.

The Solos watched her go, sympathy in their eyes. "She's a brave woman," Han murmured putting his arm around Leia's shoulders.

"That was never in doubt. She was just misguided and occasionally, I think, a little foolish."

"She did love him."

"She didn't love him enough to stay with him that first time and as I said – a little foolish. If she'd never left Luke…"

"They'd probably be married by now."

"Probably and that would be really hard."

Han tilted his head down, gazing at his wife quizzically. "Why would that be hard?"

"Because, flyboy, as you pointed out to me, Luke is in love with Mara and if appearances are anything to go by - she's in love with him. Callista just delayed the inevitable from happening later than it should have done."

"I think you're correct on this one. I remember Luke and Mara when they first met. There was a connection as far back as Myrkr, without the Force, and on Wayland with it. It wasn't love then, but there was definitely chemistry. Just like us." He kissed his wife's pert nose. "Come on, your worshipfulness – haven't you got some politicking to do, disguised as dancing? We can leave the kid to do his own romancing. He'll be fine."

Leia laughed. "I do, Han, but I think I can squeeze in a trip round the floor with this rather good looking Corellian I picked up a while back."

Her husband chuckled. "Now that's an offer I cannot refuse, sweetheart."

Mara awakened to the sensation of someone kissing her breasts with lazy enjoyment. "You woke me," she accused lightly.

"Did I?" The words were a little muffled as he moved lower, stuck his tongue in her naval and chuckled as he felt her squirm. His tousled head appeared above the covers again, grinning wildly.

"You still have energy after the night we've just spent?" Mara's voice was incredulous.

Luke laughed and kissed his way over her shoulders and up to her smiling mouth. As soon as his lips touched hers the magic began anew. This time the loving was gentle and agonisingly slow as both participants wanted to draw out the experience for as long as they could. Eventually they lay wrapped in each other's arms gazing at nothing in particular each of them busy with thoughts of what they'd just experienced.

Mara Jade glanced at her lover, a soft smile covering her lips. She'd only begun to fathom how deep her feelings ran for the Jedi Master. Friend, enemy, lover, teacher, and equal - the list went on and on. He completed her and made her whole. For the first time in her life she realised how empty a human being she'd been. Her reliance on her pride and on her much vaunted skills prevented her from making the journey towards a better life. "I love you, Luke," Mara whispered softly, unable to keep silent any longer. "I love you."

Luke's mind went blank. 'Love?' Love caused you pain. People betrayed you and lied to you but disguised it as 'love'.

"Luke?" she whispered. "I said I loved you." She turned her head and gazed at his profile. Mara couldn't feel anything coming from him at all. He'd raised his barriers against her.

He turned his head slowly to face her and his eyes glittered strangely. "Callista said that she loved me too." He gazed back up at the ceiling once again - the complete lack of emotion chilling in one who usually let his emotions bubble far too near the surface.

Mara narrowed her eyes. She'd just bared her soul to the man, finally revealed what had been festering in her heart and mind for years. The lovemaking they'd shared surely was a manifestation of what each of them felt for the other.

"Are you comparing me to Callista?" Mara couldn't believe she was asking this. "Do you wish that it was her lying here instead of me?" Her temper began to rise.

"She said she loved me and then left."

"So you figure that I'm going to do the same."

"It's what usually happens. You don't usually hang around for long. Good old Skywalker – farmboy, Jedi Master, dupe..."

"Have I ever betrayed you before?"

"No, but you never said that you loved me before either."

"I can't believe after what we've just experienced, you're comparing me to the body snatcher?"

Luke sat up, his expression furious, his lips white with suppressed temper. "Callista wanted to be with me…"

"So she came back to life for you and then left you to wander the galaxy searching for her. In eight years she never let you know if she was even alive. Oh yes, Skywalker, that sure sounds like somebody who wants to be with you." Mara cut in viciously. "If you treated her declarations of love so cavalierly I'm not surprised that she left you."

"That's unfair, Jade."

"Unfair! You don't know the meaning of unfair," she shouted bitterly. "Unfair is me loving you when I didn't want to." The desolation clawed at her gut and threatened to spill over in anguished tears. She wouldn't let him see her cry. "Do you think even after all that was done to me by the Emperor it was easy to rid myself of a lifetime of Imperial conditioning? You were my enemy and then my friend. You showed me compassion and respect when no one else in the New Republic would have trusted me. I started to fall in love with you then. I didn't want to. Love made me weak…" She rolled away, dashing the traitorous tears before he could see them.

"Then it's only a matter of time before you stopped. Love is a temporary thing."

Mara rose up on one elbow, clutching the sheet to her breasts. "I can't believe you, of all people, could be so cynical. It's not like you at all. You are capable of great love. Your family, your friends… the Jedi Order."

"That's not the same."

"No? Luke… what we shared last night and the night before was nothing short of miraculous."

Her words struck him and he clenched his fists to stop them trembling. Luke laughed bleakly, trying to cover his fears. "Then it's about time I learned. This kind of love hasn't brought me anything but heartache."

"Listen to yourself, Luke," Mara pleaded. "Listen to me…"

"I am."

"No listen." Mara gave a cry of frustration. He was breaking her heart and he didn't know it. The most important person in her life - one she would die for - and he was rejecting her love. It was the most precious thing she had to give. All at once the Force bond between them gave a little tug – the barriers between them started to break down. The shields were failing and she let all her anguish flood out. They'd always had a bond through the Force – not as strong as Luke had with Leia, but there had been one nonetheless. Now the natural barriers Mara had erected between her and Luke were dissolving. She couldn't hide what she felt from him any more.

A burst of feeling hit the Jedi Master; one of distress and total, abject misery. He tried to raise his shields to block the emotions emanating from her but they were too strong – too overwhelming. His barriers dissolved in a wave of her pain.

Luke heard his words he'd said echo around his head. Again he heard his cruelty to Mara, the one person he'd thought would never betray him, and he felt her response – the hurt and the sorrow. He wanted to take back all he'd said, to bury himself in her warmth but the fear of losing her kept him saying stupid things – kept him from taking a chance that she would never let him down– compelled him to keep her at a distance. He wasn't a cruel man but she was too beautiful to stay with him and love him. If she loved him she would, in the end, leave him – everyone else had. He was trying to prevent the thing happening that he feared the most. He didn't want Mara out of his life, but it was better if she didn't love him.

"I think you'd better leave."

Her voice was glacial and Luke knew that he'd hurt her deeply. He'd been cruel, but couldn't she see how afraid he was? Couldn't she see his anger stemmed from the fear that she'd walk out on him? Callista had hurt him more than enough to last him the rest of his life. If he let down the final barrier and gave his heart totally to Mara, when she left him he would not survive emotionally. "Mara… I…"

"Just leave." She turned away from him, burrowing into the comforter, her shields locked up tight.

Luke stretched out his hand which hovered over her bright curls in an almost caress before pushing the covers aside and dressing swiftly and silently. "I'm sorry, Mara," he muttered wretchedly. "But love…" He shook his head, his face impassive, and left.

When the door closed behind him Mara gave way to the tears she'd been struggling to keep in since he'd rejected her. "He's wrong," she repeated over and over as she sobbed out her grief. "He's so wrong. I've loved him for nearly ten years. I would never betray that love. I want to be with him… I want to be in his arms where it's warm. My heart is cold without him. I'm not alive without him and I do love him… I do." Eventually she fell into a restless sleep, where the love of a blue-eyed charmer was given freely and without reserve.