Mean Things I've Done To Dr. Julian Bashir (or Sue's Revenge)
by Lyda Mae (RavenDove) Huff
Chapter One: Strangest of True Confessions
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This story is not like others that you have no doubt read in this place that is no place at all. It was never meant to be. It is a story with two parts. One is a lie, the other one true, but I fear there is more truth in the lie than I may ever be able to tell you. In telling it, I let you into the darkest parts of my fantasy mind.
It is a story of rape, revenge and finally of healing that comes where least expected. A story of hard times, and how we deal with the hurt that others give us, even if the hurt was never intended at all.
It has no beginning, no middle and no end, except within my own mind...
The first time I ever saw Dr. Julian Bashir grace my TV screen I was fourteen years old.
I had lived through my parents divorce only to watch the level of their fighting increase. I starved for love, attention and peace that could never be had in the place I called home.
At school I was just another face in the crowd. I had few friends, and struggled with undiagnosed dyslexia, and mental illness. Just icing on the cake of usual adolescent pressures. I cried constantly for help that was not there, because the world often does not hear.
At so young an age I had also been ill used by men and boys I had trusted. My naivety becoming their badge of twisted honor. All that remains of their crimes now are nightmares that I will not put in words.
I had been hurt in every way a person can, and I wanted death, for it was the only escape I saw.
Then there was that face, that voice. So charming and exotic. He visited my home faithfully each week without telling me I was worthless. He told me stories of distant worlds where there were happy endings. He was a healer with magic tools that took away pain. I wanted him to come and whisk me away to his space station in the sky; where he could heal all the hurts that no one else saw. I turned to that fantasy instead of suicide to escape the pain of my life.
Time passed... I grew older... I loved a real person... I lost...
Dr. Julian Bashir again returned to my mind with another role to play. Where before he was a savior, in my hurt mind he was a threat. He was the avatar of all things male. All things I found attractive, and since attraction had left me burned it was evil. Somehow I needed to even the scale.
Emasculation... Thus threat becomes victim...
Where my earlier fantasies were simple adolescent white knight fantasies of a savior. Now I became the abuser. I would hurt what had hurt me. I would have my revenge on men, if only in my mind. Dr. Julian Bashir was the perfect victim, because he wasn't real. He could not feel as I turned the knife.
It was in this time that I started to think up stories, though I would not write them. I was not ready to share them...
Life changed... I grew older... I found Real Love... I Married... I became a Mother... I began writing stories of all kinds, and somehow over time, I healed...
I still do mean things to Dr. Julian Bashir, but it's not the same. Over the years I've come to empathize more with him than with his tormentors. Thus my victim of choice becomes my own surrogated for Battered Sue. He is as my sister put it, my Battered Swen.
The circle comes round full. From wished for savior, to threat, to victim, to surrogate self, and in self saving me. By helping me to finally know, all the things I would not let myself feel. The pains I held in, in those dark moments when I would not let myself cry.
I know where the fantasy ends, but at times in my life Dr. Julian Bashir has been more real to me than I am. I have loved and loathed him as I have loved and loathed myself. Been both attracted and repelled by him at the same time. I bare for him now a strange love I can never explain. Perhaps it is gratitude.
I have written many scenes over the years in which Bashir takes the short end. They have served a purpose, and now I will share some of them with anyone who cares to read them. My they serve a purpose for you as well.
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Just one note for actor Alexander Siddig who played the role of Dr. Bashir so well for seven years. If this should ever meet your eyes Sir, before you go out to file that restraining order, you really should know that. At this time in my life I am not interested in meeting you in person. I think you are a very talented actor, and I am sure you are a wonderful person. I just would never be able to look you in the eye without seeing the character you resemble so much. That's just one of the risks a person takes when they take on a role long term. I'm very sorry if this offends you. I am only trying to be honest with myself, and the World at Large.
Lyda Mae (RavenDove) Huff 12-21-2004