I doth apologise for how incredily stupid this is, and I must warn against spoilers at the end. Ohterwise, have at it!

X Wars

Back by popular demand, my one-shot is now a two-shot. This time, in honor of Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith, we're going to have some guest stars. Guest stars, say hello.

They all mutter, "Hello."

The author appears with a light saber in one hand and a manila folder labeled, "blackmail."

At the sight of the folder the guests scramble to be the first to shake every hand in Audience, however, most of the Audience never gets the chance because crazed fangirls mob Anakin. They would have mobbed Obi-Wan too, but he was chained at the ankle to the Author.

Obi-Wan glares at the Author. "Why, again, am I chained to your foot?"

The Author doesn't answer, she's busy watching Yoda beat Jar Jar Binks into oblivion.

Obi-Wan raises his light saber and prepares to saw of the Author's ankle, but stops short. In front of him is Rogue, who in an attempt to speak sounds like a fish might if it were forced to breathe air shortly after eating a kilogram of horseradish.

"May I help you, miss?" Obi-Wan asks, unaware that the Author is now clutching him protectively.

"Gaagaa, haminah ga do faa kii nawaw!" Trying to impress the Jedi, she starts proclaiming her love in what she thinks is Cling-on. However, Ob-Wan doesn't speak Cling-on, and what she was saying was not complimentary in the slightest. It actually meant, "Your mother was a Gungan and your father smelled like Bantha-fodder!" In a remote dialect of the language that most Wookies speak.

All of the Star Wars cast members pause for a moment, all wondering what Obi-Wan would do. The pause isn't very long, but long enough for Yoda and Chewy to bet on how many seconds Rogue would last. During this pause, Ob-Wan greatly considers hacking her into a billion tiny pieces with a dull spoon, but because the Author has now restricted all of his free movement, he settles with the response, "Kachi fralk nani polec anfri tarfari naaeki." There is no point in translating this sentence because it have to be censored in order to maintain the K+ rating.

Rogue doesn't realize what he said and screams gleefully. She dives at the full-entangled Obi-Wan, but backs off when the Author begins hissing and spitting. Obi-Wan is now wholly in the throes of misery, and moans, "Why me, why couldn't I have been eaten by something large and without dental hygiene instead?"

Of course, now the Author is listening and smacks him rather hard on the head. "Because your even more attractive counterpart Christian isn't here to be hugged." She decides it would be a good idea to emphasize her point by squeezing the life out of Obi-Wan.

Sadly, Obi-Wan is not actually squeezed to death and still has enough breath to squeak, "Well, dolt, you're the Author, why don't you write him in?"

Still leeching the life out of Obi-Wan, she gleefully answers, "Because I can't bring a singing poet into Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith! Can you just imagine Anakin and Padmé singing 'Come what may'? Anakin is too melodramatic to begin with, and Padmé is too busy crying over the fact to he's a Sith that she would completely throw the whole song out of tune. That's a good idea, though. Maybe we should have a Moulin Rouge week and –"

The Author never finishes, however, because Logan stalks onto the set, which is actually his bedroom.

Obi-Wan whispers to the Author, "Is he part Wookie?"

The Author squeaks and quickly detaches herself from Obi-Wan. Logan glares menacingly at Obi-Wan and proceeds to loom over the Author. "What is this freak show doing in my bedroom?"

At the same moment, Yoda has finished with what was Jar Jar Binks and is distracted by a flashlight that for no apparent reason is hanging in Logan's hand. He attempts to snatch it, but when Logan refuses to let go, Yoda hits him with his cane and begins shouting, "Mine! Mine! Just as bad as the droid, you be!"

Logan begins waving the flashlight around, and consequently Yoda as well, as the little green man won't let go of the flashlight. During the distraction, the Author sneaks away and continues her mischief.

Across the room, Padmé suddenly blurts out, "Anakin, you're going to be a terrible father!" She squeaks and holds her hands to her mouth.

Anakin peels off the fangirls and looks at Padmé in what might be surprise or anguish or a desire to hack her face off.

Once again feeling possessed she screams, "Your going to chop your son's arm off!"

Anakin has had enough and begins shouting, "I hate you! I hate you!"

Obi-wan, hearing his cue jumps in and chops of Anakin's three human limbs and shouts back, "You were the chosen one! It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them. You were to bring balance to the force, not leave it in darkness!"

Now in total and complete agony Anakin shout's back, "I hate you!"

Somewhat distressed that the Author was using them to recreate her favorite scene-ending, Obi-Wan continues, "You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you!"

At that moment Pyro rushes in and sets fire to Anakin's body.

Logan looks at the grinning Author. "You are a sick person."

Pretending to pout, she whines, "But my handler - I mean psychiatrist says I'm making good progress!" Logan continues to stare her down. "You ruin all my fun."

"Fix him, sicko." The Author sighs and with a click of her mouse Anakin gets put in the Vader suit. "All the way." Logan's voice is beginning to get scary.

The Author shrinks back and squeaks, "You can't take Vader out of the Vader suit! That's the ultimate geek blasphemy! I couldn't do that!"

Suddenly everything freezes and Hugh Jackman walks on. "Hello, mates! The Author seems to have hit writers block, and while she attempts to save what little plot this story has, I'll be advertising for Foxtel!"

Another Hugh Jackman walks on. "You can't do that, she doesn't have the copywriting."

Yet another Hugh Jackman walks on. "Then what are we supposed to do."

Harrison Ford runs past in a yellow jumpsuit shouting, "I didn't kill my wife!"

All the Hughs watch him run past. Hugh #1 asks, "Was that Harrison Ford from the Fugitive?"

As if to answer the question Tommy Lee Jones runs past shouting, "I don't care!"

Hugh #2 sighs, "She's barking mad."

Hugh #3 looks around. "Perhaps we should just end it here before she brings in Mark Hamil."

A dramatic "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" is heard from outside.

The Author cackles hysterically and cackles just before the Hughs draw the curtain closed.

REVEIW OR I'LL CARVE YOUR HEART OUT WITH A SPOON! props to whoever can tell me what movie I'm mocking